Title: A Love Lost

Disclaimer: I will never be able to write something as amazing as Kill Shot...

Author's Note: Hello all, my apologies that this took me a bit longer than I expected. I wanted to wait until I was on break and my initial plan was to write some no Tuesday but sleep overcame me instead.

As some have noticed or questioned, yes I changed Dr. Burke's name for the sake of this story. I have a plan later on which will tie in with the whole Roger thing. Thankfully in the show he's just Beckett's physical therapist.

Hope you all enjoy this chapter.

KP, aka Ashley

Whirling noises swirled within her head, tantalizing her eardrums and dancing swiftly over her skin cells. Beckett sat at her desk staring at his seat, which sat bare for the time being. She made a face realizing that it was probably useless thinking that he would come in today especially after their fight yesterday. "I need time to clear my head." His words were so clear within her head as she replayed the scene. The look on his face said it all and she questioned whether he would forgive her? Forgive her for keeping the truth hidden and barely staying away from breaking down. It was only a matter of time until she came crumbling down.

Sometimes Beckett could feel it coming. She wasn't one to cry not even at a young age. While other teenage girls cried their eyes out over boys Beckett decided that throwing a few punches here and there would be more helpful. Constantly fighting for control over her emotions but it was times like this that that tight grip of hers loosened and she could feel the control slowly slipping from her fingers.

She tugged her bottom lip between her teeth as she tried to focus on the murder board before her. The detective had moved and was now slumped against her desk in the early morning as other detectives and officers began trickling in. Ryan and Esposito came in early like usual and chose not to bother Beckett. Whenever she fell into this state it was better to leave her alone and allow the detective space to piece the puzzle together.

Rather than the board talking to her, it chose to stay silent. It seemed like one big jigsaw that would never come together. She took a deep breath and ran her fingers over her eyes rubbing them gently as to not smear her makeup.

Her body slid down the side of the desk, each piece of her vertebra making its impression against the hard wood behind her flesh and clothes. She sat in a crouch with her bottom nearly hitting the hard ground of the precinct. Beckett didn't fall completely; she still needed that sense of control. Though the murder board refused to talk it didn't mean she couldn't force it to. Glaring at it intently she hoped that some detail would pop out at her. Beckett was nearly at the stage of praying when she heard soft footsteps approaching her.

Beckett's soft green eyes trailed up the pair of legs that stood next to her. She found herself rising with her eyes and standing full length beside Castle who extended a coffee toward her.

"Good morning," he said in his normal tone. His eyes looked tired and he hadn't shaved. It was odd seeing Castle with a little more scruff than usual. Typically he was so clean-shaven and proper but seeing him sleep deprived proved that their fight really did wear on him too.

Beckett's lips couldn't help but curl up. "Morning Castle," she took the coffee full heartedly and took a generous sip. The warmth from the vanilla latte slid down her throat with ease and tasted like God to her. Oh coffee how wonderful you are.

She looked into his eyes after setting the coffee down, "I'm glad you decided to come in today."

He shrugged it off like usual and leaned against the desk. "Better to let this one slide right?"

Beckett looked down for a moment licking her bottom lip. "Castle," she stated still trying to find her voice. "Are we not going to talk about what happened at all?"

Castle peered at her, "That I saw you nearly topless?"

A slight blush crept over her checks. "If you mention that to anyone I will shoot you."

He nodded with a triumphant smile and went back to looking at the board.

They stood there for a moment in silence next to each other. Somehow over the years the two grew closer to each other. Not emotionally but physically too. It wasn't until recently that Beckett noticed how comfortable she had become with grazing his skin, touching his face or hands, the fact that they stood so close to each other and she no longer pulled his ear when he came close to her phone. It was things like that that showed Beckett how much they had changed and that it had been for the better.

She took a deep breath trying to even her heart rate that spiked up suddenly while in deep thought. "I mean our fight, are we not- are we not going to talk about it?"

Castle sighed and his head fell a bit. His chin met his strong broad chest that was masked so well by his dark blue button up shirt. "We don't have to talk it about it until you're ready. I told you yesterday that I would wait for you. Ball's in your court now."

He pushed off the desk taking a closer step to the board. "By the way, what happened with Gomes?"

That's the thing about Castle, one second he would say something deep, sweet, and profound but then jump to the next topic rather than wasting any time on the last. Beckett felt trapped between topics halfway through thinking a sentence out about their fight and the other half about the current case. Both caught in her throat as she tried to speak but nothing came out. The detective cleared her throat raising her hand as she took a step closer.

"We ran into a bit of a snag with Gomes yesterday."

He sighed like a three year old. "You're kidding right?"

Beckett shook her head as she grabbed a marker pointing to a picture. "Gomes doesn't deny being there for the crime but the way he tells it there was someone else there with him."

Castle's brow furrowed, "There was someone else there? Why didn't the witnesses mention anything?"

She shrugged, "So far all the ones Esposito and Ryan spoke to said that they only remembered Gomes because he stood out."

"Just because he looks like a creep?"

Beckett nodded throwing her hair over her shoulder. "So far all the other witnesses that came in remembered seeing someone else. We tried having them talk to a sketch artist but that didn't really lead us anywhere."

She handed him a folder with all the sketches in it. It crinkled with the transfer of hands. Castle opened the light green folder and splayed all the sketches out across Beckett's desk. He examined each one, his eyes carefully going over each wrinkle, every hair on his head, the dark tinted sunglasses that fit the man's face perfectly.

There was only one thing that all sketches had in common, it was always a man but on the downside each witnesses' memory retained the picture differently. For one woman's the suspect looked like an old man mixed with an elf from Lord of the Rings. Another, the suspect appeared to be Michael Weatherly.

Castle's face scrunched up and his mouth moved to the side of his face as he thought.

"Is that your thinking face, Castle?"

He grinned, "Yeah, I've been working on it. Do you approve?"

She shrugged taking a seat. "Reminds me a little of Hooch."

Castle's face broke out into a large smile as he sunk into his seat still examining the pictures. Finally it came to him. His finger nearly broke through one of the sketches, "There is one thing that all these pictures have in common."

"Besides the fact that they're all men?"

He looked up, "Way to state the obvious, and yes." Castle sat up coming around just behind Beckett and putting his arm out next to hers. His body was almost against hers as the too stood. It didn't feel odd or strange but as if the fight was now just a thought pushed to the back of their minds. "In all these pictures our supposed suspect has that distinctive tattoo on his neck. In some it's just a little dot as if the witness couldn't remember what it looked like but it's there, in every single one of them."

Beckett leaned down farther as a few strands fell down. The rest of her hair was kept up in a messy ponytail that she threw together in mere seconds when she decided to get out of bed. Saying it was another sleepless night for the detective was an understatement. She examined all the pictures alongside her partner paying careful attention to everything just as he did. Each picture was how the witness saw the man in their minds. None of the sketches made the man look too old but none suggested that he was a strapping young man.

She hit his arm with joy, "Castle you are a genius." The detective circled each marking and quickly puts them up on the board.

Castle grinned and sat back down feeling triumphant once more. "Isn't that why you keep me around?"

Beckett thought for a moment and chose not to give her truthful response. "I thought it was so you wouldn't whine to the mayor again or have you calling me all the time?"

He glared at her, "I already do both of those things."

She grinned rolling her eyes at him. Perhaps forgiveness was easier to achieve when she didn't ask for it. She never begged before but somehow after each spat the two had they managed to make things work out in the end.

The partners stand near each other once more looking at the board with joy at the newfound clue. Thankfully a tattoo was similar to a fingerprint; there are never two alike. Even if different people went to the same artist asking for the same tattoo it would come out differently each time. This was a step in the right direction.

Beckett called over the boys to show off the clue. Not in a boisterous or bragging way but the fact that they needed to find their second man and soon.

"I want you guys to run that tattoo through our database and see if it pings at all. This guy has to be in the system."

Esposito nodded as Ryan stayed to chat with Beckett about the case. "So I tried calling our lone suspect again but no answer. Esposito and I were about to head over to his place to question him."

She made a brash decision, "Castle, fieldtrip?"

His eyes crinkled that special way and his ears perked up too. "Of course,"

Beckett looked back at Ryan, "I need you two to run point here and keep going through those sketches. There might be more similarities there than we think right now. Call me if anything comes up."

The two were headed to the elevator in an instant and it seemed that the decent was even quicker. No long and endless drone of silence. The void was now filled just because her partner was back. The drive over to Broadway wouldn't be nearly as lonesome either.

"I parked on the street today," she said as they hit the lobby and headed for the large glass doors.

The cold November air hit her harder than she remembered it being this morning. The same went for Castle as he squinted past the sudden burst of tears that glossed over his eyes.

She began to unlock the cruiser but heard her name being called from behind.

"Detective Beckett!" a voice in the distance called out. She turned instantly to find their missing witness. She jogged to meet him halfway in front of the precinct.

"Detective," the man said breathlessly. "I'm sorry for not answering, I've been avoiding my home." Air must have burned his throat as he tried fruitlessly to gulp it down. "Ever since yesterday I've felt-felt strange."

Her brow furrowed as she looked at the suspect. "Are you feeling sick?"

He shook his head, "No, I feel that someone's been following me."

Beckett nodded; this was definitely a step in the right direction. If one of their witnesses felt a constant presence that was a good sign. Creepy but good regardless. It would help launch the case into the next step of finding the second man and tracking him down.

"Okay Henry, let's head inside-"

She was cut off but an instant hum that passed by her ear. Red. That was all she saw for a moment. Her breath hitched in her throat as she stood there helplessly. Blood sprayed on her coat and she could feel her body slumping down behind the car. Her name was straining to be heard in her ears as Castle called for her feverishly.

"Kate," he screamed pulling her down covering her with his body. The two stayed behind her cruiser as people scattered outside the twelfth. She felt frozen as her eyes stared at Henry Wyatt's lifeless body.

"Kate," Castle said once more still holding her body close to his. "Are you hit? God, there's blood everywhere."

"I-I'm fine, Castle." She said straining to make her voice heard. Beckett's breathing was quick as she reached into her pocket retrieving her white iPhone to make a quick call to Ryan or Esposito, whomever would answer fastest. Her walkie was still in the cruiser and it was too risky to reach inside for it.

"Kevin," she yelled into the phone. "There's a sn-sniper outside the precinct." Her voice hitched while speaking as if that word was vile and it left a bad taste in her mouth.

Castle being Castle peeked his head above the cruiser's hood. When Beckett looked at her idiotic partner and grabbed his collar another shot was fired hitting like a rock against the hood. They sat there against the hard cold cement on the street plastered together. Beckett didn't even push him off and Castle didn't resist holding her tighter.

"If you ever do that again, I swear to God Castle,"

He nodded quickly, "I know, I know, you'll kill me faster than the shooter will."

Castle tried to keep his breathing under control but it seemed useless. There were no longer screams but police were stationed inside the precinct and Ryan called for SWAT. They sat there for what seemed like hours. Time felt slower than molasses but faster than a hummingbird. It was such a contridiction that neither Castle nor Beckett could describe it.

Finally there seemed to be a break. Beckett wiggled out of Castle's arms turning slightly so her face was closer to his. She peered up over the cruiser while staying safely hidden behind the hunk of metal. Her breathing seemed to be the only warm thing to her. The second the first shot rang out her whole body became ice. Castle could feel the coldness of her skin beneath the long turtleneck she had on.

Beckett sniffled trying to outlast the cold, as she stayed pressed against Castle. She took one more gulp of air and looked into her partner's eyes. They were so kind and seemed deeper than the ocean. But they were clouded with fear, not about the shooter but about her. Just looking into Castle's eyes she could tell that's what he was afraid of.

"Castle," why was she talking in a whisper? "You're my backup. I'm going to just look over the cruiser-"

"No, I can't have you shot again."

"Castle, listen to me. You stay down and if you see anything shoot." It seemed like a bad idea especially because he was a civilian but she did it anyways. Quickly unholstering her service piece and pressing it into Castle's firm big right hand. She squeezed her hand around his just for a moment and then her head was up. Peeking up around the cruiser to try and get a visual of their shooter. She squinted, as she looked the sun obstructing her view slightly as she scanned the surround area looking for some kind of indication.

Castle had his head barely showing above the car as he scanned alongside her. Looking and waiting for something to happen. Their search was ended as SWAT pulled up outside the twelfth and they began to get ready.

"Kate, come on." Castle urged first handing her the weapon and then taking her hand in his. The dark black gloves felt like ice against his hands. He wasn't sure whether it was the weather or the current situation that made the air feel thicker but it burned his throat and stung his eyes as they hurried inside.

They headed straight for the elevator not bothering with the officers and detectives gaping at the outside world. A shooting outside a precinct was never good and Beckett was sure that Gates would be all over her ass later in the day.

Once the partners were in the safety of the elevator Castle let their hands drop and stuffed his aimlessly in his pockets. There was a bare cold imprint left on his hand that would never be filled again. Beckett's breathing was still a bit erratic but she had calmed down. Her eyes were filled with anguish and terror, as she took deep but shallow breaths.

Beckett slide down the smooth walls of the elevator and just sat there taking in deep breaths. Castle proceeded to stand and not say a word trying to give her space for the time being. When the doors dinged and opened the detective stood up warily, her hands shaking and her knees wobbly. She pressed her hand against the steel bar inside for more leverage and walked out with her head lower than usual.

She didn't carry herself the same way that she used to and lacked confidence.

"Beckett!" Esposito and Ryan shouted jogging over to her and Castle near the elevator. "What happened?" Esposito said looking at her. All three could tell that there was something seriously not right with Beckett but chose not to press the subject further.

The detective took another shaky breath and looked into his rich brown eyes. Looking around the room for more air but unable to take more in as she stood. "Henry Wyatt showed up and as I tried getting him inside the sho-sniper fired."

The only word in that sentence she said with confidence was sniper. The one word that caused more damage than anything and she was capable of saying it so clearly while the rest of her statement seemed mumbled and in a hurry.

The detectives nodded and looked at each other. "I'll call Lanie and tell her what's going on. I'm sure she'll put a rush on Wyatt's body."

"I'll call ballistics and CSU to check out the scene downstairs. This guy is just taunting us now." Ryan said retreating with his friend and partner quickly whipping out his cell to dial the correct numbers.

Beckett stood outside the elevator a moment longer just looking around, lost in the fog that was her mind. A hand reached out and touched her shoulder gently, "Let's go to your desk." Castle said softly behind her.

But she shook her head, "No, I need to get away from the noise." Her shoulder moved away from his touch as the detective proceeded toward the conference room. It was secluded and the perfect place to hide out for a while. It suited her and gave her solace. Whether it was where she and her friends had a few drinks after a rough case or sitting around the table crowded and hurriedly passing the Chinese food or pizza around the table it was a safe haven for the detective. She hurried inside leaving the door open for Castle who she knew would follow. At this point she didn't mind but there was that nagging presence that wanted to be alone but didn't want to snap at him.

Castle made sure that the door was closed tightly behind them and went over the blinds making sure to close them as well. He knew that Beckett would want her privacy but he would stay as long as Beckett wanted him there.

She sat in a stiff chair pushed almost in the corner looking outside the window. Her eyes looked back the glass and the reflection of herself. All she wanted was fresh air to breath or the feeling of being watched to dissipate. But with Castle in the room it was difficult to not be watched.

"You're staring at me." The detective said in a low voice looking out the window.

Castle nodded and took a step closer taking the invitation. "I'm worried about you."

Beckett's jaw tightened and she nodded, "You're always worried about me."

"Not all the time, just when someone or something threatens your life."

She raised a hand to her face to wipe away a lone tear that broke the seal and felt foolish for crying in the first place. Slowly the control was slipping out of her grasp as she and Castle sat there in the conference room. Both seemed to be waiting for something or perhaps they were just waiting for the other to say something. Break the tension that filled the room higher than the ceiling and was nearly overflowing out the strong windows.

"It's going to be alright."

"I'm fine, Castle." She barked back looking ahead and barely acknowledging him.

"All I'm saying is that-"

She turned to him, "Just stop saying. Okay, things won't be fine. My life just flashed before my eyes for the second time this year. How the hell do you think that makes me feel huh?" Beckett took a deep breath trying to steady herself. "I feel like someone is constantly watching me all the time. Like there is this almighty presence that is waiting to snap me in two. So you know what Castle, things are not going to be alright."

He sat back looking at her and feeling an overpowering urge to apologize but he chose not to. Rather than trying to pick another fight with Beckett he chose his battle. Though his stand was beside her sometimes it was better to walk away for a bit. He knew that sense of control was falling and it was falling fast, quicker than a boulder plummeting from a high cliff. The weight of the world was on her shoulders and she wouldn't be able to carry it for much longer.

Castle ran his fingers over his pants and licked his bottom lip. His eyes wracking her entire body as she sat there slumped in the chair. Her legs came up and were flush against her chest. Beckett tried desperately to curl up in that chair but Castle could tell how uncomfortable she was.

He looked at her once more and decided to give her space. At that moment he remembered the advice Beckett had given him with Alexis. Give her space because if you hold on too tight you could lose her, and losing Beckett was the last thing he wanted to do. Castle stood without a word and walked out of the conference room. He couldn't help to look over his shoulder once more. Beckett's gaze fell on him as he left. It was an unspoken agreement that it was better for him to leave but they both knew it.

Once the door closed and she felt safe within the room did the tears come. They fell silently at first and slowly she slumped forward in the chair. Her chin against her knees as her strong toned arms worked to keep her body curled up. Beckett was fighting so hard but lost the fight as the sobs wracked her body.

No one could hear her but even if they did no one would say a word. That's when she lost control.

Author's Notes: So this chapter was somewhat challenging because I was trying to mix influences from the episode into the chapter. I feel that it stayed true to the overall message that was sent out this week with Kill Shot and that it also leaves this open ended for this particular story. There is a plan I promise and there will of course be a bit more drama. I'm sure as this story progresses you all will see that I'm trying to mix certain aspects or story lines from the show into this to get a good end result.

I'm hoping to have the next chapter up by Saturday so hopefully that will happen. Please review and I hope that you're all enjoying the story.

KP, aka Ashley