It was half past midnight when Anna peeked out of her window into the pouring rain. "Oh for Chrissake..." She reluctantly dragged her feet to the door. For a moment she leaned her forehead against the it and wondered whether to open it or not, but she would need to face him sometimes anyway. "Come in, Sir..." automatically her arms stretched to take the soaking wet long coat and stretch it to dry on the coat-rack. "Take slippers and take your shoes off. I give them a clean before they get totally ruined by that mud-bath. I guess you find some malt in the bar."
But neither the malt nor bar in general had been touched when she returned to the living-room of her own country-house. "I see you finally have learned how to set fire in that hearth." The Scot was pacing around.
Anna collapsed back on her couch. "Well it took still some half an hour to get a decent flame. I haven't been here for a week so it was damp and chilly. And that rain... Anyway, why are you here at this time, Sir?" Better to get it over and done with.
"Thought you might want to know who the men were and why they attacked." The Controller looked tired.
"No, I don't want to. And told you that already."
He shrugged and rubbed his eyes. "All right. Nevertheless, Ralston is not happy. Neither are the Soviets."
Anna swallowed. "I'm sorry, Sir. I never wanted to cause you trouble."
Her superior walked to the window. "Ach, it's nothing I couldn't handle. It's not the first time Ralston has been raving at me. This time though he has a good reason to be afraid for his own hide as the Soviets, as well as his own superiors, and naturally also I, are demanding explanation how the attack was possible, as none of us others were informed of the place until day before yesterday. And it looks like those men had entered the building already three days ago, according to what they got out of one of those wounded. So someone there has been leaking information. By the way, major Smirnov, he was very impressed by your... performance. He told me that after he passed on a complaint from Belkin." She stayed quiet.
"Why did you come here, Anna?"
She frowned. "Well, it's my place. My house. Without a phone and none of you have the keys here. That's why."
He still watched out from the window and hemmed. "Good enough reason. Bodie got a little alarmed though, he had tried to call your apartment, already before I called him, to ask if he knew where you are."
Anna winced. "Why thank you so very much. Is fretting contagious? I wish you had the sense to tell him to stay put."
Finally the man turned to watch her. "I did. Whether he obeys is a different matter, considering the time he has spent under your insubordinate influence. I thought I had a handful in him and Doyle already, but those two are nowadays mere apprentices compared to you." He did sound so tired it hurt Anna.
"I'm so sorry, Sir." It was a mere whisper. "It won't happen again." A piece of paper she instantly recognized, was tossed in front of her on the table.
"It looks like you wanted to make sure of that. I really should one of these days give thought to the trial period clause in our contracts of service." He should give thought to many other things also, and quickly. "Don't you have anything to say? Just a curt, short letter of resignation in my mail? When did you write it?"
She shrugged again. "Yesterday. Before I went to buy the gun."
The letter was snatched away again and the Scot sat himself on the low table and leaned towards her. "And why?"
She couldn't read his face. "Isn't that obvious?"
He straightened up. "Tell me one thing, lass. Do you often suffer from such... anxiety as yesterday?"
She filled her lungs and let out a deep breath. "No..." she frowned. "I felt as bad the day Smythe attacked you, and especially after we heard from the fall. I don't know why. I'm sorry I can't explain it. But otherwise, no." She yelled at me like a she-devil had Bodie told Mr Cowley after that day in the hospital. "I'm sorry that I wasn't able to explain myself better to you yesterday, Sir. I know you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. It's just... that sometimes one is too few. That's all. That's why I said I wanted to have any one of the agents with you. Two pairs of eyes see more than one, and so forth. That was all that I meant." She met his eyes. "If I had a child in need of protection, I would be just as happy to leave it under your wing as Bodie's or Ray's." Her gaze was level and he couldn't help but feel a gush of warmth.
"What was the last thing you said to Komarov before you left the room?"
Anna was baffled. "Said?"
He gestured with his hand. "Wrote in the air. I read the notepad and your question about the thickness of the ceiling."
She frowned for a moment. "Oh that. I asked him to follow me in a few minutes. That's all. I counted on his curiosity and felt I needed a possible ally, and thought he could understand technical things better than me, like the ventilation. And I had seen the way he monitored his surroundings. That's why I paid attention to him. He must have been a bodyguard or a security-man at some point. Or at least should be one."
The Controller hemmed. "And there I was, thinking you were finally genuinely flirting with a man, and wondering how the hell I would explain a Russian to Bodie."
The corner of her mouth twitched. "So sorry to disappoint you, Sir. Just manipulative me."
He watched her. This was the woman he knew. Logical, strategically thinking.
"I'm sorry captain got wounded. He maybe hesitated to fire for a second because I was behind the men." As if she was talking about some session at the shooting range.
"How did you notice the gun, Sir? I was being very careful and tested it dozens of times in front of the mirror. With that blazer it shouldn't have shown."
He shrugged. "You were being careful, aye. But I saw you turn and pull the jacket tighter and thought your figure was different."
She frowned. "Dammit. Was it that obvious?"
He shook his head. "Probably I was the only one there who could have noticed anything."
She lifted an eyebrow. "Good heavens, I may be getting old but I do still have eyes." Her eyebrow got even higher and the Scot thought it might be wise to drop that particular issue.
"Didn't you give any thought to the risk of getting caught with that gun?"
Her eyes met his again, unfalteringly. "Yes, I did. I knew I could, and still can be, arrested or deported or both. I knew you would be... furious if you knew. That was the worst. But I would have taken the full responsibility. I still take that. I thought that you'd get easier out of the situation if you genuinely didn't know. That was also one of the reasons why I wrote that resignation. To prove I was acting on my own initiative and that you had nothing to do with it." She lowered her gaze again.
"Why did you do that, lass? Why did you take that risk?"
She was silent for some time. "Because it was worth taking. After what I felt yesterday, if I had heard something had happened to you, and had done nothing to try to stop it from happening, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. I've lost too many already."
The Scot stood up, momentarily unable to cope with the sorrow he sensed in her. "I think I help myself to the malt now."
She sighed. "Make it two, please. This wine hasn't been helping me at all tonight."
He rubbed his eyes again.
"Sir, you should be having your rest." She got a mere grunt as reply and was handed her drink. "Really, Sir. We could have talked some other day."
He sat beside her. "I didn't want to postpone it." Neither did Bodie, the Controller had never heard him plead like that when the agent had learned the essential of what had happened. She's going to leave. Please don't let her. Whatever it takes, Sir. Whatever. "You have proved to be so astonishingly quick in your moves that I couldn't be sure we would have found you anymore in a day or two."
She had huddled in the corner of the sofa. "I wouldn't have left without talking with you, Sir. Not this time."
He gave her a look. "Not even after what I said to you in the hotel?"
She met his eyes again. "Especially not after that, Sir. I didn't want to vanish leaving you to feel about me the way you felt. Christ, that was the worst, I thought I would die... And I didn't plan to run away from the consequences either, what ever those prove to be." She took a long swallow.
"And what if nothing had happened, what then?"
She gave a small, tired smile. "I guess I would be over the Atlantic, agreeing with everything you felt about me there. Starting with something like ludicrous, insane nervous wreck. Although I can't yet be totally convinced I'm not that." She let her glass down on the table.
"Are you still angry at me, Sir?"
Her huddle was tighter but yet she sounded simply like a tired adult woman, not a pleading child. And that was disturbing. "I don't know. I should be. I am both your superior and your friend, and I don't know which side I should allow to take the lead." He finished his drink with one swallow.
"I am really sorry, Sir." And in her eyes the Controller saw compassion and genuine understanding.
"Don't do that, Anna!" He stood up and paced around the room. "Your understanding makes this only more difficult for me! If you were an ordinary agent, I could discipline you without having any greater remorse. But you are not. You've never even been an agent, not even a police. What you did, you did because of your gut feeling, using your intellect, talent, instinct, whatever it should be called. I'm supposed to have disciplinary actions against you. You know that. I should punish you for showing exceptional courage and initiative. For showing loyalty. And that is tearing me apart. But I have to do that... no-one is above the rules... I know you understand that." He halted in front of the fire. "For forty damned years I complained that no woman understood my job. But now I can't bloody hell claim this feels any better." He grabbed the bottle again and it wasn't a small drink he poured. He went back to the window.
"I can't help thinking that I have caused this whole... mess. That I spoiled your life when I invited you to join us. Caused you pain... disarray. Caused you trouble and worry. Maybe even imbalance." He took a swallow.
"Every agent may face that, Sir."
He shook his head. "Agent, yes. They know what they may face, right from the start. But you are no agent. And I never meant to harm you." He felt a light touch on his shoulder.
"I am familiar with mess in my life, and trouble and worry and pain as it is, long before I came here. Nothing new to me, those things. And it was my decision to join the squad, Sir, finally even against your own advice. Due to my personal egoistic reasons. And it has helped me to work with my problems, my losses and my hate and fears, nightmares. It's not easy to open the doors to HQ always, yet I feel it has helped me to stand better on my own. You have not harmed me."
Anna was suddenly feeling so tired she felt like falling. "I'm the one who should apologize. I should have kept better my distance. It would have helped you to keep yours too. I know how hard it can be for someone in your position to be too... attached, too involved. Too much a friend. I have seen how it was for TJ and for Jack." She had to lean against the window-sill. "All I can blame you for is that you took such good care of me last winter. It's not that easy to snarl and snap at someone who has dragged you out from... you know."
He looked at the weary woman, feeling sudden tenderness. Aye, lass. Or at someone who has made you feel you are a person instead of an institution.
They were quiet for a while, both so very exhausted.
"What are you going to do about me, Sir?"
He looked in his glass. "It depends on what you are going to do."
The woman sighed. "I wish I knew. I wish I bloody knew why I felt the way I did. I don't want to feel that ever again. Last night I thought that if I returned home to the States, the water in between might be wide enough to take some edge of it away if it ever returns." She was now watching the fire, leaning to the window-sill with her bottom.
"Tonight then?", he looked at his glass again.
"I don't know. If this happens again... I can't promise it won't, because I don't know why it happened. It might be easier for you if I left anyway. Less problematic."
The Controller took another swallow. "Left CI5 or left the country? Yes and no. Of course I will allow you to leave if that is something you really want. And thinking about your personal situation, I can not even recommend staying here. Hell, you'll face disciplinary actions if you stay in the squad, as Ralston most certainly won't keep quiet, and that vindictful bastard probably will try to get at you one way or another if you stay in UK but leave CI5. Or then the young captain will try to charm you and make you defect." He gave a tiny smile.
"I will do everything in my personal power to curb Ralston's enthusiasm to avenge his humiliation on you, Anna, yet I may not be able to totally silence him. But for all the rest, it is you who has to decide what you are willing to bear." He finished his drink. "Still, I am not able to say I wanted you to leave because if you did, I would never see you again. And I know that Bodie doesn't want to lose you either, or Doyle, or even Macklin. Nevertheless you have to decide for yourself." He sighed.
"And what ever your decision, I will give you my support. Even if it means losing you as a spice in my life, child." The Scot handed the empty glass to Anna, lifted his hand and caressed her cheek. "Thank you for the drink."
She turned to put the glass away and winced when pain hit her shoulder. "What is it, lass?" His eyes were full of worry.
"It's only that shoulder and my back... didn't like the weight and bones of that man. Nothing to worry, only a bruise, I think."
He touched her cheek again. "You did so well, and made it all look so easy and acrobatic that I almost forgot I wasn't watching a professional." A thought came to his mind. "Why were you up this late? Are you all right?" She stayed quiet and after a moment he lifted her chin and looked into her eyes. "That man you shot." He saw her eyes get watery. "Och good lord, little one. I'm so sorry." She had killed for him. Och, my bairn... "I'm so very, very sorry."
Anna felt safe, pressing her face against the side of his neck and shoulder. She took a wavering breath. "Thank you, Sir. "
A hand was stroking her shoulder and back. "Everything will be all right, child."
She sighed and moved a little. "You are the only one who's allowed to call me that, Sir."
He gave her a sad little smile. "My bonnie bairn." She gave him a questioning look. "My beautiful child. That's what I thought when I saw you there on the yard, cleaning your Sig in the sun. I was so proud of you, so proud of your courage an prowess there. And at the same time so very ashamed, and so sorry for all that happened."
She felt like choking. "Oh Sir..." her arms were again around him and his hand was caressing her hair.
She sighed and pulled away. "We should get some sleep, both of us. You're probably over the limit too, so it's best you stay here till morning." The man hesitated. "Maybe that exploding head would stay away for the night if you were close, Sir." Anna's voice was a whisper and there was a tear on her cheek. "I thought I could think it through, reason it through by myself, that's why I came here... but... I can't get that man out of my mind, I can't... I'm not used to..."
He understood. Few were used to scattering brains, especially not civilians, and that's what she was after all. A civilian skilled in the art of fighting, yet with no experience of acting on in the field... And Bodie wasn't there to keep her company, or any other of her few friends. Neither Bodie nor Doyle would easily forgive him if he left Anna to deal with the night alone, her only company images of the dying terrorists, and her own Thou shalt not kill -conscience. Welcome to my world, child. The Controller felt sick.
And there was a pang of guilt and worry. Poor lass, it was easy to see she was afraid already, afraid of the night and the dreams, using all her will-power to keep hold of her dignity and not break down. If I say no, she'll nod and say she understands, and leave it at that, and probably not sleep a blink of an eye. Kate isn't in town, the lads are not in town, I'll be up to my eyeballs with work and meetings tomorrow, who does she have to talk to tomorrow either? But if I stay, there will be trouble if any outsider ever hears about it... But I don't have the right to leave her to cope alone. I bloody hell don't have the right. She saved me there, she saved us all. And she has no-one else to ask... no one she trusts. "Do you want to talk about it, lass, or do you only wish for company?"
The woman sighed and shrugged. "I just would want to... feel safe, Sir."
Feel safe... you had no need to "feel safe" when you stood up against me, dared me. Or when you excecuted your deceit with the gun. Or when you stopped those attackers with the young Russian. You were not afraid of any of that. But you are afraid of yourself, your dreams now... "All right, little one." He touched Anna's upper arm. "Could you try and find me some kind of pyjamas?" The woman nodded, clearly not quite able to believe her luck. "Off to your wash then, lass. I see to the fire."
Once Anna turned to leave the room, her friend shook his head, grimly amused by the improbable fact that a young pretty woman had asked him to stay. He didn't have any delusions about her reasons though, being well aware that all she wanted from him was his presence. A parent to stroke her hair if the nightmare turned out to be too sickening to bear. Nothing more than that. The Scot sighed. George Cowley, you are becoming soppy and mellow. She's a full-grown woman, not a child. And neither is she any longer a wounded, ready to crash down and die. You should be ashamed of yourself, Cowley. Either be a man, or then go to another room, and stop trying to be a father which you are not.
But still, those were good shots there at the corridor. So much for being soppy or mellow. And if he got... absolution by offering the simplest comfort for the deepest of needs... It couldn't be too much to ask from him, could it? She wasn't asking for sex, for goodness' sake, only for someone to sleep in the same room. And if that helps her to fight another day... The Scot shook his head. Aye, your need for absolution will be grave indeed, Controller, once you meet your Maker. He couldn't help but chuckle sadly. Och lass, do you really know who you have placed your trust on? His mouth formed a tight line. Too much malt. Focus, man, then go to sleep.
He made sure there would not be carbon monoxide, having already checked that all the windows and the doors were properly shut. Although any intruder would come to face his revolver, which he had grabbed along the first thing after returning to London.
"Sir?" Anna's voice sounded like she was half asleep and he was also feeling comfortable warmth and drowsiness in the pyjamas Anna had found somewhere. "What kind of disciplinary actions?"
It took a second before his sleepy brain caught the line of thought. "An address... well I gave you that there already, didn't I... maybe Ralston or someone else from MI6 coming to give you a tongue-lashing... a few weeks without payment and a severe note on your record. Something like that. And if the story leaks, probably a hell of a lot of gossiping for weeks or even months in every bloody agency and force, you getting more than your fair share of that due to your insubordinance to rules, and co-operation with a Soviet, which will overshadow anything good you did there."
She was silent for a while. "I take that."
He wasn't able to see her face in the darkness. "Why?" He felt her move closer.
Because you have accepted me, Controller. Because you have no idea how much you are giving me. You and those two mavericks. My family. My dark, weird, blood-stained, caring family. "Because. Good night, Sir."
He gave her a slight cuddle. "Good night, child." They were asleep in a moment.
END OF CHAPTER 4