HEAVY IN YOUR ARMS – FLORENCE + THE MACHINE

I was a heavy heart to carry

My beloved was weighed down

My arms around his neck

My fingers laced a crown

I was heavy heart to carry

But he never let me down

When he held me in his arms

My feet never touched the ground

She found him in the owlery after the Leaving Feast, staring out the window into the setting sun. He had been there for some time, hoping to get as far away from the festivities as possible. The staff insisted on talking to him, and the students were becoming reckless in their behaviour, no longer afraid of punishment since the term had ended. All in all, it would have been a terrible mistake to stay in the Great Hall. But he should have known she'd find him. Even if he hid in a more unexpected place, Hermione had always had a knack for seeking him out.

When she entered the room, there was a flurry of wings and feathers as the birds around him spotted the newcomer. A tawny brown feather fell in front of his eyes. He watched its progress to the floor without expression.

"I should have known you would hide," she said. Her tone was too even to betray whatever it was she was thinking. If she were mad, or upset, he would have to look at her to find out. But he couldn't look at her. All things considered, it would be nothing short of self-inflicted torture to let his eyes wander to her face. Not now that she was leaving, and he couldn't possibly ask her to stay.

"I'm not hiding," he replied. "I'm in the middle of an escape."

"From who? Me?"

"From everyone. I can't tell you what horror it is to sit at that table, pretending I give a damn what day of the year it is."

"Do you really not care at all?"

He heard her move from the doorway, saw her stand beside him from the corner of his eye. Snape squared his jaw, determinedly looking out at the grounds, which were now bathed in a hazy orange glow from the sun. Hermione was staring at him, but he refused to even glance in her direction.

His heart squeezed painfully when he realised she might have taken offence at his indifference. But he had to maintain the illusion, even if it hurt.

"Not one bit."

Liar, he thought viciously to himself. The past few months had been spent dreading this day. He cared very much that it was the day she was to leave him. The day she had to leave him.

Beside him, Hermione sighed, dragging a hand through her unruly curls. "Severus…"

"Professor Snape," he snapped.

"I'm not your student anymore," she pointed out, a little defensive. "And I'm an adult. Why shouldn't I call you Severus?"

"Because I will always be Professor Snape in this castle. Don't insult me by refusing to give me the respect I am due."

"I've done nothing but respect you, Professor," she said, her quiet voice turning into a snarl. It always amazed him how she could go from lamb to lion in the space of an instant. Sometimes she was both at once. "I've respected your privacy, your feelings, your personal space and need for time, your ridiculous bloody rules-"

"And yet here you are, Miss Granger," he drawled, "Contradicting yourself."

It worried him how easy it was to fight with her. He knew her well enough to recognise which were sensitive points for her, and what angered her the most. She hated it when he didn't listen to her. She hated it when he interrupted. But most of all, she hated it when he refused to acknowledge how his heart beat wildly when she was around, or how he would find himself staring at her for hours at a time during class. This toing-and-froing that had existed between them since the school reopened was driving them both a little crazy. He had felt their bond growing for years, and he had done his best to ignore it for years. She was an underage witch, and he, her professor. But now there was nothing to stop them from exploring whatever this was, and it terrified him.

He couldn't let her in. He couldn't burden her with his love.

"I'm fighting for what I want," she retorted. "What are you doing? Hiding from a teenage girl in a room that stinks of owl shit. The brave, selfless hero of the Great War can't even face his own feelings. And you say I'm contradicting myself."

"You have no idea what you're talking about," he said coldly. God, but she was right. Where was his courage? Decades of lying directly to the distorted face of the Dark Lord, and he couldn't even look her in the eye.

"Don't I? I lived through the same war you did, Severus, and I played my own part in it. What could you possibly have to lose from opening up to me? I know about your past, and your feelings for Lily, and what you did with Voldemort. I'm willing to put it all aside and start anew with you."

"That makes you a fool," he snarled. "The past is never forgotten, Hermione; it lingers. In every crack and every split of your mind, it lingers. No life with me would ever be a new one, and I am not stupid enough to assume I can give you what you need." Snape stopped abruptly, realising he had gone too far.

"That's what's stopping you?" She asked incredulously. Far more effectively than he'd have liked, she moved to stand in front of him, and this time he couldn't look anywhere else. Her eyes bore into his, hard and warm at the same time, a lion and a lamb. Despite his best efforts to remain indifferent, he felt himself soften to his very bones at the sight of her. God, she was beautiful. And kinder than anyone he had met, with a tenacity that surprised him to no end. How he hadn't seen her for who she was for so long, he didn't know. Most of the time he counted it down to sheer prejudice, which he was still trying his best to let go. But he had told her the truth – the past lingers. It's never fully gone, and his memories weren't going anywhere either.

How could he get her to see, the man she thought she wanted wasn't at all the man she needed. Hermione deserved better than a broken old wizard like him. He came with baggage far heavier than she could carry, and he hated the thought that she was wasting all her love on him. The greatest gift he could give her would be to never tell her how he felt. His love had concrete feet – it would only drag her down.

"You think you're protecting me," she said softly, searching his eyes for something. "From what? Your memories? What you've done? I know what you've done, and what you've been through. How can I get you to understand that I want it all, the bad and the good? I love you, Severus. Nothing can change that, and nothing ever will."

With her words, his resolve finally buckled. He hung his head with a short, sad sigh. His heart felt like it might burst with happiness and sorrow all at once. She loved him. She had said it, and now he knew. And yes, he did love her. Fuck, he adored her. But he couldn't say it. He would never convince her to leave if he said it.

"I'm sorry, Hermione," he whispered. "But, I can't…"

"I know it feels that way," she said just as softly, leaning in closer so that their foreheads nearly touched. His whole body ached to take her in his arms and kiss her, the way he had before the war in this very tower. "And I'll bet you think you're being incredibly selfless. But I've got news for you, sir – you're not. In fact, I think this may be the most selfish thing you've ever done."

His head snapped up to look at her, pain and desperation etched all over his face. Why couldn't she understand?

"Hermione…" he moaned, wanting to bury his head in his hands. Instead he opted for turning away from her. But she grabbed his arm before he could so much as move an inch.

"Depriving me of the chance to really know you? Seflish." She said, but her voice was gentle. "Asking me to leave here without you, so you can feel better about 'saving me from yourself'? Selfish. Forcing me to live out my days without love? Selfish. Don't do this to yourself, Severus. And don't do this to me."

He couldn't look at her again. If he did, he knew he'd cry, and he hadn't done that since boyhood. But the pain in his chest had grown to dragon proportions, and he felt like he might explode with the intensity of it. She didn't know what she was asking… she didn't know…

When he didn't respond, she lowered he hand slowly from his arm, and looked away sadly. Never had he wanted more than to simply hold her and comfort her. But that was selfish, too, wasn't it?

"If you change your mind, and I hope you will," she whispered, sounding as though she were on the verge of tears, "You'll know where to find me. Just don't take too long, my Severus. I would wait an eternity for you, but that's too long to be without you."

She left soon after, hovering in the doorway for a moment, possibly giving him the chance to reconsider his non-offer. But before long, she was gone, and it was only him and the owls in the tower once more.

Night had fallen across the grounds by the time Snape woke from his reverie. In his mind, he had gone over every possible scenario a million times, each one more unlikely than the next. But whether or not she could handle the darkness inside him, and whether or not he could live knowing she was carrying his burden, it all only came down to one thing: could he live without her?

His answer came in an instant, loud and clear with an echo that only strengthened his decision. He turned on his heel to leave, taking a final breath before he went through the door. Hermione was right, the room did stink of owl shit. With a note of finality, he stepped down onto the staircase and made his way back into the castle.

Like the know-it-all she was, Hermione had known what was in his heart and head before even he did. And of course, she was entirely right. He was indeed a very selfish man.

And he couldn't live without her.

And is it worth the wait

All this killing time

Are you strong enough to stand

Protecting both your heart and mine?

I'm so heavy … heavy in your arms

A/N: As you will soon discover, Florence + The Machine is one of my favourite bands, if not my absolute favourite. Their music, and Florence's voice, are just magical. To me, listening to their songs is quite literally like being underwater. You can't help but be immersed in the feeling, and in the lyrics.

I'm aware this song is mostly about unrequited love, and feeling guilty for not loving your partner as much as they love you, but I'm focusing only on the 'I'm a burden to my love' kind of feel that kind of shows itself in the verses. I think it's appropriate for this particular chapter.