After Smashed
Oh God, I can't believe what happened last night. Except I can believe it, because it's been building. I was deceiving myself about where our…understanding…was leading. I was pretending that finally, against all odds, after all the hatred, we were friends. And I was finally getting some comfort that was given purely altruistically. I should feel betrayed, and wonder what he was playing at, whether or not he's been playing me the whole time. I should feel betrayed, but I don't. I don't feel betrayed because I don't think I have ever wanted someone that much. All day today I have literally been quivering with excitement and fear and desire. I haven't been able to eat because my stomach still has that feeling you get right before an orgasm. I went and dealt with my friends, lying about where I'd been, what I'd been doing. Willow seemed to believe me, once I got the hang of my lie and started to expand on it. Tara knew it was a lie of course, Tara always knows. I wish I could have pulled her aside and apologized for deceiving her, that I would tell her the whole story in a few days, as soon as this thing whatever it is, sorts itself out.