After As You Were
It will be hard to stay away from him. It will be hard to tear myself away from such passion and such fear and such fun. The last few days have been torture. I keep telling myself I'm doing the right thing, I'm being a good person, a better person, by staying away from him. But am I really a better person if all I want is for him to come in through my window, tear my clothes off and fuck me till I don't care anymore?
There are things I want to say about him, about us, before I lay it to rest. There is no one I can lay out the details to, not a soul I can unburden myself on. But there are things that someone should know. There are things that I will say at the final reckoning when I will have to pay for this. I will say that it felt like Heaven. And it also felt like Hell. I got off on the pain. Pain's a thing with him, no shit Sherlock, but it turns out it's an even bigger thing with me. He played at hurting me, he pretended. But I wanted the real thing. The real thing was the only thing that could take me far enough to the edge to fly back to Heaven for a few moments.
The first time I felt guilty, sure. But the guilt only lasted as long as cleansing the house of Willow's magic stuff, and spending one night away from him. It was like that one night was my penance. Because the next day? I was happy. Not mentally, emotionally happy, but physically happy. My body was singing in the sunshine of a glorious discovery. It knew that it was only a matter of time before I would cave and go back to him for another dose. Which of course I did. And another, and another, and another.
He was more playful than I expected. I guess Riley was always very serious about making love, and Spike was all about finding the fun in it.
For two days I didn't see him. He didn't call, didn't randomly show up in my yard, or at the Magic Box, or on my patrol. He didn't come to buy a burger at the Doublemeat Palace. I guess when I dumped him I had counted on him following me, begging me, attacking me, fighting me, hurting me, more of the same. I didn't think he'd give up. And I missed him. I missed him so much I almost let myself be the vulnerable girl I still am sometimes and beg him, attack him, fight him, hurt him. It is already hard to stay away from him. And I saw him today. It wasn't much. But it was something. Suddenly I ran into him on my way home from the grocery story after work. He looked terrible. I can only imagine how awful I must have looked. He reached out to touch me, and I let him. He held my face in his hands for a moment, and then left. I had never felt number in my life. And then I watched him walk away. Like I watched Angel walk away, like I watched Riley fly away in that helicopter. I thought that I was the one leaving Spike, and I felt righteous and free walking out of his crypt. Because for once I thought I had the upper hand. I didn't think it was really over. Somehow now I feel like I didn't end it, that he did, because he knew I wanted it to be over. And yes, I do want it to be over. I need it to be over. But then why do I still feel like another man has just walked away from me forever and left me behind?