Renegades

Never more to go astray

Alex just didn't like it.

They had been through some pretty rough stuff the last few months, what with their father's disappearance and Sam's girlfriend's death, and while Alex knew they were hunters and bad things always happened around them, he just had this annoying feeling that this time something seemed to be one hundred percent badstuff.

Ever since they had hit the road, Sam had been with a single thing in mind and that was to find the demon who had killed Jess. It annoyed Alex sometimes, when they were hunting the demon for their mother – Dean and Sam's mother, that is – the younger Winchester didn't seem to mind all that much whether they were successful or not, but now that he was personally involved, and he could remember being so, he was always demanding they found their father, they hunt the demon, they did things his way or no way.

It was like Sammy just didn't care they were actually saving more people by hunting bad things than tracking down their father. It was like Sammy didn't care about saving people anymore. He just wanted revenge.

Alex could relate to it to some extent. That same demon had left him in a burning house, after making a deal with his parents – that's what his father always told him, that's what he would always believe -, that very same demon also screwed up his life, just as he did Dean's, John's and Mary's, but revenge wasn't all there was to it. There was the saving people, and making their world a better, safer place. He liked knowing he was doing his best to help the ones who couldn't fend for themselves. He enjoyed hunting. He was born to live this life, he just knew it – it was his destiny to help people. Dean felt pretty much the same way, even though he always tried to make it sound as if hunting was all part of his game and charm. It wasn't all about revenge for the both of them, but Sammy and their father… they were always at odds because they were so much alike. John only wanted revenge and now Sam had the same purpose, and it was driving Alex and Dean completely insane, because they didn't want to fight with their brother, but by the Gods, could Sam be annoying.

They had tried being patient with him - after all, he was readapting to the hunting life, it wasn't easy, and they knew it. But that week, that specific week, man, it was proving to be a hard task not to just yell at him.

Alex looked at the front seat, where Sam was sitting with pursed lips, and Dean was trying to just pay attention to the road. The last few hunts had been tough, especially for Sam, who hadn't been to a hunt in the last four years. First it was the whole Bloody Mary stuff, with Sam trying to take the blame for every little thing in their lives, and almost getting killed because of his lack of self esteem. After that, Dean was being chased by the police – and then presumed dead -, because a damned shapeshifter was looking like him while trying to commit murder. That was actually the week Alex was finally able to hunt, his injuries from the past hunt completely healed.

And then the hunt that left them all a little crept out: the poltergeist in the boys' old house. Seeing Missouri, the woman he knew was responsible for John taking him in and fighting for him tooth and nail, was amazing and terrifying for Alex – nobody enjoyed meeting someone who knew more about him and his past life than himself.

Two weeks after dealing with their mother's spirit, and Dean and Sam were, once again, at each other's throats. Their latest hunt wasn't helping matters either – having a night inside an old asylum, protecting teenagers from their own stupidity did nothing for Sam's nerves.

At last pulling on some cheap motel for the night, the three of them got a single room, Alex and Dean putting their duffle bags on top of one of the beds, letting Sam have the other one all to himself – because of his nightmares, of course. They could have just taken another room, but it wasn't safe to leave Sam alone, and they didn't want to be apart. Thankfully, Sam was a little too self-absorbed to care to ask why they didn't want to have separate rooms.

Sam called dibs on the shower, and hurried into the bathroom, and Alex and Dean laid down – Dean on Sam's bed – and there was a calm silence, the kind only people who knew each other so well they didn't have to speak could have.

Soon, their brother left the bathroom, his hair dripping wet and clothes already on.

"I'm gonna get us something to eat.", he said, looking at Dean before taking the car keys from the table, and leaving without another word.

The two remaining Winchesters looked at each other, wondering when Sam would finally crack and do something really stupid just because he was frustrated.

Alex had a bad feeling about the whole thing.

"I think I'm gonna take a shower now.", Dean said after a while. Alex only nodded and listened to the sound of his… of Dean in the bathroom. Before long the man was back in only a towel, and Alex didn't waste any time in going in himself.

When he got out, Dean was already dressed, and Alex had to smile at him. Things hadn't been easy for them in any way these last few months.

They were still waiting for Sam to get back, the TV was on some sitcom or another, when Alex looked at Dean, his eyes serious.

"Missouri knew it.", he said, biting his lower lip, in a show of nervousness Dean knew all too well.

"Knew what exactly?", he asked, a smile on his voice, "The woman knows everything, it's kinda hard to tell what you're talking about right now."

"She knew… it.", the younger one said, and Dean sighed. He had been waiting for it since they met Missouri two weeks ago.

"Yeah, I figured she would, what with reading minds and everything. Why bring it up now, though?", he asked, turning the TV off, and turning around to face Alex.

"Because she knew it, and she didn't say anything bad about it. I mean, she knows I'm not really your brother, not by blood. And if she didn't say anything, it's because it's okay, isn't it?"

Dean looked down, not quite capable of meeting Alex's eyes.

Alex was strong. He was tough, just like his dad. Damn, the kid had killed his first witch when he was eleven, for Christ sake. But when it came to being "normal" and thinking things were "freakish" he had an issue bigger than even Sammy did. And that was one of the reasons Dean wasn't sure he wanted to find their father all that soon, because the man certainly was not helping matters with his disappearing act.

"Look, I don't know nothing about 'okay' stuff, Alex. I know about what we are. And what we are is okay. And that's it."

"If it's okay, don't you think we should tell Sam, then?", Alex said in a confident voice, and Dean knew he had just been had.

"We're not discussing this again. Not until we find dad, and put an end to this crazy shit we're going through with Sammy. There's nothing to do with normal, Alex, it's just… the kid's got more on his plate than he can actually chew, let's not add to that right now, okay?"

Alex's green eyes looked at Dean intensely for a few seconds, before he smiled, and conceded with a nod.

When Sam got back, the TV was on again, Alex was dozing in his bed, and Dean was cleaning some guns.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

†

There was a phone ringing. And ringing and ringing, and Alex was just about ready to smash the thing when he heard Sam picking it up, and his first words made Alex's blood turn into ice.

"Dad? Are you okay? Are you hurt?", his brother asked, and Alex didn't listen to the conversation anymore, waking Dean up with a hard shove.

They both stared as Sam questioned their father, ready to blow up at any second in his frustration. Sammy was never any good in getting orders without a reasonable explanation. He didn't know how to take a refusal.

Dean finally had enough and took the phone off his hands. Alex, right beside him, could hear his father faintly.

"Dad?", Dean asked. Alex heard an irritated sigh, and then his father rough and cold voice.

"Give the phone to Alex, Dean."

Their eyes met, but Dean gave it to Alex, who heard the orders their father was giving as they did since they were kids: get your orders, follow them, and don't ask questions. With a last 'yes, sir' he hung up, and tried to explain what they had to do, but Sam was already out of the room.

With a sigh, Alex and Dean started getting their stuff together. They had a job to do.

†

"I just can't believe you left!", Dean started again – and again and again – for what was sure to be the seventeenth time, ever since they had left the creepy town, and its creepy inhabitants.

It had been a rough couple of days. Dean had been alternately a worried older brother, an overprotective older brother, and an abandoned friend, changing moods every five seconds.

Alex wasn't much better – he could understand Sam's desperate need to find their father, but, hell, you just don't abandon your brothers to a hunt, let alone one of the kind they just had. But unlike Dean, Alex knew when not to mention it. He knew Sam was annoyed enough, and feeling guilty enough, without Dean or Alex bothering him, and pestering him with the Ican'tbelieveyouleft crap.

Yes, he had left. No, neither Alex nor Dean could believe it or understand it, and the fact that Sam showed up to save them from the human-eating scarecrow just in time wasn't making the fact that he had left any easier.

Sam just sighed again, trying to control his temper – after all, he kind of could admit he deserved it, so he, at least, wasn't shouting back at Dean as he usually would. A few miles ahead they found a motel, and Dean stopped there, barely leaving his bag on top of one of the beds before leaving without saying a word to either Sam or Alex.

Alex took a deep breath, and sat down beside Dean's bag, listening to Sam sitting in front of him on the other bed.

"I am sorry.", he said in a rough voice after a few minutes of silence.

Alex looked up and faced his younger brother with half a smile.

"I know that. Dean knows that too, Sammy. He just has to, you know, vent. That's Dean, you know how he gets when things don't go his way.", he said shrugging and running a hand through his hair, messing it up even more than usual.

"I kind of get that you both know, what I want to know is if you can forgive me already. I said I was sorry.", Sam continued, looking almost angry at the fact that Alex and Dean wouldn't just forgive and forget.

That's how it used to be when they were kids. One of them would screw things up, and then the other two would be annoyed, but when the sorrys were said they were accepted, and the one in the wrong would be forgiven, and everything would be alright again. But now things were different – it was like Alex and Dean were in this rhythm Sam could not understand. It was like they had their own secret language that Sam didn't speak. They would communicate with a look, understand each other without a word, and Dean had already stopped with his bitching about his leaving at least three times just because Alex had said "enough".

The two of them had always been close – Dean and Alex would gang up on him far more often than Sam would be with either one of them, and they didn't seem to need to talk a lot to understand each other. They were both like their dad, and Sam had always been a little different, and he got that – but now all of that had reached another level. It wasn't just that he was a little different, so they gave him his space: it was that they were on a level of intimacy and understanding that Sam had never shared with anyone, not even with Jess.

"Look, Sammy, saying you're sorry doesn't change the fact that you left. And I get it – you just had to go, you saw a chance to find dad, and you thought we weren't doing enough to find him, so you went your own way, like you did when you left for college.", Sam was about to interrupt him, when Alex held up his hand, "And if you remember, I was the one to support your decision. I didn't even want to go to your house when Dean got it in his head you had to help us find dad. I think you deserve your life, Sam, it's the life you would have chosen for yourself, and by God, I get that. But Sammy, youleft.", Alex said in a lower voice, that sounded so disappointed Sam almost flinched, "And I know you're sorry, and I get you, and I, well, I forgive you. You're my younger brother, I could forgive you anything. Dean too. But you left when dad had left us too, Sam. And that's what hurts Dean the most. He'll get over it, we both know that, but his bitching, and his screaming… well, it's his way of trying to come to terms that we both got caught in a hunt without you, when we thought you had our backs. And you came back, and for me that's more than fine, but Dean needs to vent a bit before he's okay again.", he finished with a small shrug, and got a few things out of his bag, going to the bathroom for a shower.

Sam was left staring at the door, feeling even worse than he had before – he had forgotten this about Alex. Dad would scream, and threat, and be all military, and Dean would scream too, and pick fights when you did things he didn't approve of. But Alex… Alex would stare at you with his green eyes, and look just the exact way to make you feel like crap, and start apologizing for anything you could possibly imagine. He would know just what to say to make you realize your mistakes, and, more than that, feel guilty about them.

He wouldn't scream and bitch, you couldn't really make Alex angry – you disappointed him, and that hurt more than dad's screams, or Dean's bitching.

Dean came back later that day, when Sam was on his computer, and Alex was lying on their bed, reading. He didn't even acknowledge Sam, going straight for his bag, and then the bathroom. Sam sighed, and he and Alex shared a look, before he got the car keys and left, telling Alex he was going to get their dinner.

When Dean got out of the shower, Alex was staring at him with an annoyed look that had never boded well for him before.

"What?", he said, throwing the cheap motel towel over Sam's bed.

"You know, I get it that he pissed you off, and I get it that you felt bad when he left, but the guy has just lost what he thought was the love of his life, and for once he is actually trying to trust dad to have all the answers. He did what any of us would do, Dean. He left us because he thought dad could make things right again. You can't keep blaming him for that, you know you can't, not when so many times we did the exact same thing.", he had sat in the middle of his speech, and was now looking at Dean with his angry green eyes, and the book he had been reading thrown on the floor.

Dean sighed loudly, before beginning to pace though their small room.

"I know that, okay? I's just, damn it, Alex, dad doesn't have the answers. And dad left us. What if…", he stopped, as if he was afraid to continue with what he was going to say, "What if dad just tell him he can't be around us anymore? What if dad makes him choose, between the two of us or the chance to hunt with him, to try and find the demon that took mom and Jess? What if Sam finds dad, and dad… what if he doesn't choose us?"

He stopped his pacing and stared at Alex, who now was looking shocked and sad all at once.

"I thought you were the one who had no problems with us."

"I don't. And honestly? If Sam was, you know, the Sammy we know, we used to know, I wouldn't be worried, but this bent on revenge man, this guy who won't sleep, this person who turned his back on us during a hunt? Well, him I don't really trust right now. Not with this."

Alex looked down to his lap, feeling guilty all over again.

It was just like when dad had left them. When he had said he better come with him, and leave Dean behind.

"You know I would never choose anyone before you, right?", Dean said, sounding very close, and when Alex looked up, he saw Dean standing right before him.

"I wouldn't either. And just give Sammy some time, okay? This revenge thing can't last forever."

Dean just shrugged and pulled Alex to his feet, drawing him close. Their foreheads touched, and a second after his lips were on Alex's, tasting them slowly at first, and demanding the next moment, pulling him closer, kissing him until they were both out of breath.

"I missed this.", Alex said, but Dean didn't answer. He just held Alex close, and hoped to God he would never lose him too.

Hey, guys!

Sorry for the long time without updating – I wasn't quite sure how I was going to go about getting to the point where my plot comes up, but now I've found a way, and we're back on track.

I hope you like the chapter!

Don't forget to review!