Renegades
The jig is up, the news is out
His eyes were filling up with tears again, and he brushed them away angrily. He had to be strong, because Sam was just clearly falling apart.
Yeah, be strong for Sammy, because he was doing just so much better.
Dean was lying on the hospital bed, looking pale, bruised and so very frail, as if he was dead already. Alex couldn't take it. If something happened to Dean, he didn't know how he would cope.
He wouldn't even have a demon to blame to extract revenge on. He wouldn't have anything.
Sam was looking just as worried as he was, trying to be strong for him, Alex knew, and for Dean, and he just couldn't take it anymore. With a glance at Sam, he left the hospital room and the hospital altogether, sitting on the ground, resting his head against the building.
He took out his phone, and dialed their father's number. He knew Sam would have tried that already, he was absolutely sure of it, but he had to try too. He couldn't let Dean die – not without his father there for him, even if just for the last time. Obviously, as it always did these last few months, it was straight to the voice mail, but he took a deep breath, and decided to try anyway.
"Dad, it's Alex. Look, I know you're still upset with us. With Dean mostly, even though this is no one's fault. But that's not what this call is about.", his voice was rough, and he felt as if he couldn't make the sentences come out right, "I… Dad, Dean is dying.", he felt the tears streaming down his face, and he couldn't even try to stop them, "He got caught in some electricity. It was dumb and stupid and reckless, and well, you know your son, and he's dying. Sammy is with him right now, and I just had to come here to tell you. You can't just let him go like this, dad. Not with this stupid fight. Look, if you want to just come… come see him, okay?", the words were rushed and uneven, and he was struggling to get every single syllable out, but he had to do this, "Just come see him. Try to help him, dad. I swear if you come I… I'll go with you, okay? I'll leave Sam and Dean hunting together, or I'll go alone, and you go with Dean, just please, dad, please forgive us this time, and come see him."
He turned off the phone, and tried to stop his body from shaking with his sobs. Jesus Christ, he needed to get a grip, to get a hold of himself. He couldn't fall apart just because his dad wasn't there, but God, why couldn't he just answer his damn phone? It was his son, damn it!
It wasn't as if they had planned on anything happening the way it did. They were just so close, had always been close, way more than they had been with Sam. They were friends, and they understood each other on a level very few people ever could. It was hard, their lives. They never quite knew where they would be, they never had any sort of constancy in their lives but for each other. Sam had left them, for what it seemed to be forever, and their dad was always coming and going, ever since they were toddlers. They just had each other – they had always just had each other – and for some time things just seemed wrong if they weren't together.
There was no explaining what or how they had become so much closer than before. They couldn't pinpoint the moment they stopped seeing each other as brothers and found something else, buried deep inside them, as if they had meant to be that way forever.
He had left for a while, when he noticed his feelings for Dean weren't exactly brotherly anymore. He got accepted into a small college on a scholarship – he got good grades, and he didn't mind studying on his own when he had to -, nothing fancy or important, but he did it. His father had approved – which was pretty much the root of Sam's problem with him and their dad – and he had tried to stay out of their way for a while.
Dean had already graduated High School a year before. Alex did it the next year, and it would take Sam three more to finish, because he had missed a grade once. Dean knew something had happened when Alex said he was accepting the scholarship, and for a few weeks they hadn't seen each other.
And then Dean started coming over to his crappy apartment every time he had the chance. He had their father's Impala now, and every time he wasn't hunting, he was with Alex, taking the risk of leaving their dad and Sam alone for days on end. They would talk, and they would have fun, and Alex decided he had to tell his brother what he was going through. So that Dean would be disgusted with him, and despise him, and leave him forever.
But that hadn't happened.
He told Dean everything he felt – and Dean hadn't said anything. He had just taken Alex's face in his hands, and kissed him roughly, as Alex had seen him doing so many times before, to so many girls. And it was just right. It didn't matter to them that they were brothers, or that this could be seen as wrong because they were men – they weren't a relation and they weren't a sex, they were Dean and Alex, and they worked, and they were right.
Alex had gone back to hunting just a few weeks after that, leaving college and whatever would have happened to him in that place behind, and their father had welcomed him back with open arms and a great smile. He and Dean kept everything a secret, because they didn't want to freak Sammy out, or make their father test them for possession. John could be many things, but tolerance was not his forte.
Things started to go downhill when Sam decided he wanted to go to college. John didn't want to lose Sam, everybody could see that, but Sam had a great point on his side: Alex had left. Alex had gone to study when he wanted to, and John had given him the choice to go. Okay, Alex had come back not even a year after that, but, honestly, Sam should have the same chance.
Only John trusted Alex to come back. He knew that, given the chance, Sammy never would.
They had an enormous fight, and John hadn't quite been the same after the whole affair. He had always been quick to anger, and even quicker to disappoint, but after Sam had left he was in a constant state of impatience and bitterness, and neither Dean nor Alex knew how to cope.
They started leaving for hunts on their own soon after that. They always came back, but it was getting more and more difficult to be around their father. And then, just a few months before John's disappearance, it all went to hell.
They decided they had kept their dad in the dark for too long. They tried to be honest with him, so that they wouldn't have to pretend anymore. But they just truly didn't know their father all that well, it seemed.
John hadn't accepted them – and what's more, he blamed Dean for the whole thing, as he always did, ever since they were kids. Dean was older, and Dean was taking advantage of Alex, and Dean was wrong. Alex tried to argue that he had been the one to come forth with his feeling, he had been the one to talk to Dean about it, but John wouldn't listen.
He told Alex he had to choose, and even if he loved their dad, he would always choose Dean before everything – even Sammy.
Ever since that day, they had only seen their father in the hospital, when he had been hurt. Their dad called everyday to his cell phone, and would only talk to him, never Dean. And then he had disappeared, leaving no trace behind, and his son was dying, and he wouldn't pick up his phone.
He was never so close to hating their dad, to understanding Sam's problems with the man, as he was now.
Alex heard steps beside him, and when he opened his eyes and looked up, Sam was staring down at him, his face a mask of sorrow and sadness.
"He didn't…", Alex started in a panic, thinking Dean had passed away while he was having a nervous breakdown.
"No, Alex, he's… well, not fine, but as fine as he can be.", Sam offered his hand, and Alex took it, getting up, and having to look up to see his younger brother.
"I was just trying to get dad.", he said, looking down, and putting his hands in his pockets, "He didn't answer his phone."
"I didn't think he would.", Sam replied in a low voice, "Look, the doctors have Dean resting. We should go back to the motel, and get his stuff together, probably eat something."
"I don't wanna leave him alone.", Alex said, tears gathering in his eyes again.
"We won't. We'll be just an hour, two at the most. You need to rest too, and he needs some clothes, and we can't leave the room for so long, not with all our things there. We should clear it from guns and stuff."
"Okay.", Alex finally agreed, following Sam to the car, automatically going for the shot gun place.
"How come you don't want to drive?", Sam asked, trying to lighten the mood. Alex smiled a bit, and looked over to his younger brother, who was turning on the car.
"Dean never lets me drive, unless we're on a hunt where we can't stop for sleep. I'm just used to it.", he shrugged and went quiet all of a sudden.
"We'll find something, Alex. I know we will."
Alex just nodded and looked out the window. He didn't know if he wanted to find something. He didn't even know if he could allow himself to believe there could be something out there to save Dean. He didn't dare hope, and he didn't want to think of the price they would have to pay to keep Dean from dying.
Once they got back to the motel, he left Sam to do some packing, and took his phone out, trying to reach their dad again. Once more, it was just the voicemail, and he was getting desperate.
"Look, I know you're mad. I know it's this demon thing you've found, but for Christ sake, dad, put this fight behind you. It's your son, and he's dying. Don't let his death hunt you forever. Just… come and see him.", he said angrily to the phone, turning it off and throwing it on the bed.
He was just so angry at John.
He exhaled angrily, and started running his hands through his hair, pacing the whole extension of their room, while Sam watched him with cautious eyes. He had never seen Alex angry at their dad before, the guy seemed to have an even bigger hero worship for the man than Dean did, and yet, here he was, almost shouting at him over voicemail.
"I know this is probably the wrong time to ask, but… what the hell happened between the three of you while I was away?", Sam asked, having just finished to throw some more clothes into a bag.
"What?", Alex asked, looking disoriented for a second, "What three?"
"You, Dean and dad. First you two are hunting on your own, and then, that night, before the scarecrow hunt, he wouldn't talk to Dean. He asked to talk to you. And in my apartment, when Dean was telling me what had happened, he said 'dad checked in with Alex everyday'. What happened? What's so serious that he would stop talking to Dean?"
"Now's really not the time for that, Sam.", he tried to run from the subject, half knowing it wouldn't work. Sam and any kind of knowledge was like a dog and a bone.
"Well, I think it is. Dean is in a hospital, and we have no idea how to save him yet, and dad could help, but you seem to think he isn't coming because he had a fight with Dean, what is it?"
"Nothing, Sammy, just leave it.", Alex answered angrily, staring at his brother from the other side of the room.
"I sure as hell won't leave it. Dad stopped talking to me too, Alex, when I left for college. Is that it?", he asked, moving towards Alex with each word, looking angrier and angrier with each step, "Dad decided he wouldn't talk to Dean because Dean wouldn't hunt anymore? Or because he wanted to hunt on his own? What did Dean do, Alex? What DID HE DO that you didn't? Why is dad mad at Dean, and Dean alone? What is it his real son did, that his PERFECT ALEX DIDN'T?"
"WE ARE TOGETHER!", Alex finally shouted, having had it with Sam and his accusations, "We both are together. Not as brothers, not as friends, as lovers. We have been ever since I came back from college. And then we told dad, and he freaked out, and he blamed Dean, as he always does.", he took a deep breath, to try and stop screaming, "And then we left.", he added, in a calmer voice, tears making another appearance. Jesus, he was a wreck. "And then dad disappeared. And here we are.", he finished with a huge sigh, just staring at Sam, who seemed to have gone into shock.
"You and Dean are… Jesus. Fuck.", he was staring at Alex as if he had never seen him before, "No wonder dad got mad. I mean…"
Alex just shook his head at his brother's reaction, expecting the worst every time Sam looked as if he was going to say something.
"You know what? I'm going back to the hospital. Try to call dad. Maybe he'll answer if his real son calls him.", he caught his jacket and left, slamming the door behind him, and Sam sat on the bed, his head on his hands.
He had really screwed things up this time.
The whole real son thing was cheap and low, and he would never had said it hadn't he been so frustrated. It wasn't Alex's fault, but he had a short temper, and he was stressed, and he just tried to take it out on the nearest target.
It was a cheap shot. And one that didn't have a single trace of truth.
Alex was John's real son in ways Sam could never dream of being. He was everything their dad expected in a son. Even Dean couldn't quite match that – or that was how it seemed, but just because Dean had all the responsibility all the time. And Alex could be himself, just as Sam always could, but Sam chose to be different, and Alex, having the opportunity to be anything he wanted, had decided to be just like their dad.
It hurt sometimes. It hurt even more because he loved Alex so much, and he knew Alex loved him too. Just like Alex had said the day he had come back, Alex had been the one to always support him. When he was twelve and had run away from home and found a dog, Alex had been the one who picked a fight with John about it, trying to defend him, even knowing it would never work, but just so his punishment wouldn't be so bad. Alex had been the one to defend him again when he wanted to go to college. Alex would be the one to defend him at school, and help him study, even though he preferred to be with Dean.
When their dad had gotten him his first computer, Alex had been the one to say it was okay that he and Dean hadn't gotten anything quite so big for Christmas.
Alex had always been there for him, and at the same time, he felt as if hadn't Alex been there, he could be the one close to Dean, and who John would turn to when Dean wasn't there. But he wasn't, and that hurt, because even though Alex was the adopted kid, he, Sam, was the outsider.
He never allowed himself to quite think about this, but whenever they had a fight, it was the first argument he would think about – but he had never actually said the words, until today.
He would have to apologize – apologize and then do some serious thinking, because the secret Alex had told hadn't quite sunk in yet.
He would have to do that later, he needed to save Dean first.
†
Dean opened his eyes, and saw Alex sitting on the chair beside his bed, his eyes an angry red that told of his crying, his hair a complete mess, belying his nervousness, and he closing and opening his fists, which was a sure sign he was mad.
"Hey.", Dean said, his voice rough.
"Hey. How are you feeling?"
"Like crap.", Dean answered with his shit eating grin, "What's got you so worked up?", he asked, trying to get to Alex to talk about something other than his condition.
"You won't like it. And I won't tell you. Not until we find a way to cure you.", he answered, and Dean took an exasperated breath.
"Just tell me, Alex."
"No.", the younger man said, half a smile playing on his lips.
"I'm a dying man. You should do anything I say.", he argued back, seeing the almost flinch Alex did when he said dying, but comforted by the fact Alex wasn't trying to be all moping about it, he couldn't take it.
"Well, I won't talk. That will give you motivation enough not to die, right?"
Dean just smiled a bit, and Alex went back to looking down and seething in silence.
He must have fallen asleep, because the next time he opened his eyes, Sam was coming through the door like a man running from hell hounds, a piece of a newspaper in his hands.
"I found something that could save you."
And even if he argued and bitched a lot, he couldn't deny he had felt hope.
He wasn't going to die.
He wouldn't have to leave Alex alone.
†
Alex wasn't sure how he felt about the whole thing. Their saving Dean mission had turned into one of the most freakish hunts they had ever had, and what's more, now they would have to live with the knowledge they had killed someone just to save Dean's life, even if it hadn't been their fault, technically.
Dean was in their room, gathering his things up so they could leave, and Sam was… well, Alex didn't know where Sam was, and he truly didn't care. The man had been strange ever since Alex had told him the truth, even though he hadn't said anything about it to Dean. Alex was just waiting the moment that conversation would be had – it was sure to be lovely.
He took his phone out of his pocket, leaning on the Impala, and dialed their father's number yet again. He was still mad at the man, but he wouldn't leave him hanging, not knowing if his kid was dead or alive.
"It's, well, it's me again, dad. Sam found a healer. Dean is alive, and out of any kind of danger. I just… I'm sorry. I screwed things up. And I'm sorry I disappointed you so much. I just don't know what's right anymore right now, you know? I'm sorry, dad.", he turned off the phone, putting it in his pocket and looking down, seething in anger.
"I should be the one saying I'm sorry.", Alex looked up, and Sam was standing right in front of him. Alex didn't say anything, just staring at him, till the taller man was leaning on the Impala, beside him, "I'm sorry, Alex. I freaked out, and I said things I shouldn't have. I… you are his real son. Just as real as me or Dean, and honestly, a much better son than I could ever be. That's what got to me, and that's why I said so many stupid things, and I'm sorry, okay? I just got jealous. I do that sometimes."
"It wouldn't have hurt if I didn't think like that sometimes too, Sam. I just… you think I don't feel bad about dad being mad at Dean, because of something that, if blame was to be put on someone's shoulder, it should be mine? That I don't see how much it hurts Dean every time dad called and would only talk to me? But I… I love him, Sam. More than anything. More than I love dad. Dean is everything to me, and I can't just let him go. He's more than my brother, he's my whole world.", he looked up, staring directly into Sam's eyes, "And if you can't accept that, that's fine. But I just ask you don't mention this to Dean, then. Because he couldn't take it to have his brother turn on him too. Just pretend you don't know anything, and don't hurt him more than he is already hurt."
Sam didn't have the time to answer, because Dean came out their room in that moment, and threw the last of their bags into the trunk.
They got in, Sam sitting in the front with Dean, and Alex really silent in the back. Dean could sense there was something wrong going on between Alex and Sam for days, but didn't want to get into it – those two were worse than any girl when it came to feelings.
"So, Dean, tell me… how long have you and Alex been sleeping together? You didn't do anything while I was sleeping, did you? Because, man, that would be just gross."
Dean almost hit another car, and Alex could have sworn he almost swallowed his own tongue, while Sam smiled brightly, laughing outright when Dean started to shout at him.
Sam looked at Alex, and he knew Sam would be okay with them.
At least for now.
Don't hate Sam… so much xD
Hope you guys enjoyed it, and don't forget to review!