Chapter 9: Selfishness

I was running, but I didn't exactly know where I was going, nor did I care. At this point, I had slipped into a deep depression. Both the woman I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with and my best friend were dead, another friend I despised, and my third friend believed I was a murder, and probably wanted to kill me as much as I wanted to kill Peter. Because of this, I believed there was no reason to continue living. I wondered why I didn't just stop running and let the Ministry catch me, and let me waste away in Azkaban. I supposed it was because I didn't want to go out that way, and I knew James wouldn't have wanted me too either.

Somehow, I ended up in Scotland. I didn't know what I was going to do once I reached the ocean, but I decided I would figure something out when the time came. The area I was in was so beautiful, I decided to stay a few days. I built a shelter and a fire, a soon fell into a restless sleep.

That night I had nightmare after nightmare. My nightmares included Elizabeth's, James's, and Lily's death, and Remus coming after me to kill me. I don't think I got even two hours of sleep that night.

To get food, I had to transform into my dog form. There was a small village nearby, where I would scavenge for food. Because I couldn't be seen as a human, I had to remain a dog while in town. I was searching for extra scraps in a dumpster along the side of a small restaurant, when suddenly I heard a growl behind me. I turned around to see a huge Rottweiler – a big, muscular dog – standing right behind me, baring his teeth. Behind him were three other dogs. From what Elizabeth had told me about dogs, I could tell the group included a German shepherd, an American Bulldog, and a mutt I couldn't identify. All of the dogs appeared to be tough and dangerous, and they seemed as if they wanted to kill me. Frankly, I didn't care whether or not they did.

"What are you doing here, mutt?" the Rottweiler growled. "Don't you know we run this town?"

I sighed. Being an Animagious means I can communicate with other animals, even if I don't always want to.

"I don't see a sign." I said snobbishly.

The Rottweiler gave some sort of signal, and all three dogs in his pack attacked me. I wouldn't have fought back even if I could. I just wanted my life to end.

The dogs were tearing me the pieces. Suddenly, we heard a bark which seemed to come from nowhere.

"Leave him alone!" a voice commanded sharply.

All the dogs stopped chewing on me and looked towards the voice. I looked too, and saw a big snow-white dog with fur like soft, fluffy cotton.

"Aw, come on, Misty, we were just having fun. No need to be upset, Babe," said the Rottweiler.

Misty growled. "Shut up, Wiley! And don't call me 'Babe'!" She turned to me. "Come on."

I hesitantly followed. Not knowing what to say to a dog, I struggled for words. "Um… thank you, for helping me. "

Misty smiled. "No problem." She said. "Do you have a mate?"

I froze. I didn't have the strength to love anyone again, especially not a dog, and here this dog wanted to know if I had a mate! "What?" I asked in surprise.

"You know, a mate? Pups? Anything?" Misty asked impatiently.

"No…" I answered slowly.

Misty wagged her tail. "Good. Then you can be mine." She licked me on the cheek.

I quickly pulled away. "I don't think that's such a good idea…" I began.

"And why not?" Misty asked angrily.

Not knowing what else to do, I transformed into my human form, risking everything. Misty yelped in surprise and bolted away from me, obviously terrified. At this point, I knew it was time to move on.

I traveled north for an hour, until I decided to stop for the night. I tried to get some rest, but sleep wouldn't come. The pains of loneliness and depression were worsening. Suddenly, an idea came to me. I wondered why I hadn't thought of it before. I didn't know if it had been done before, or even if it was possible, but I was willing to try. I was going to attempt to commit suicide, using my wand.

Smiling, I quickly dug through my bag for my wand. Once I found it, I laughed, even though I wasn't quite sure why, and laid on my back with my wand in my left hand. I took my time, gazing up at the stars. I knew that once I set the Killing Curse on myself, it would all be over. I wouldn't have to suffer any longer, and I would finally be able to see Elizabeth, James, and Lily again. I could hardly wait, yet I didn't move. I just continued to stare at the stars without moving.

Several minutes passed, and finally I sat up. I slowly crawled over to a tree a leaned against the scratchy bark. Then, I pointed my wand towards my chest. "Avada…" I began, but stopped.

Suddenly images began to fly past my eyes. I saw you, flying around your parent's house on a toy broomstick. I saw myself bringing an eleven-year-old boy, who I assumed was you, to King's Cross Station. I saw you being sorted into Gryffindor, and playing in your first Quitditch match. Then, I saw James and Lily, standing side by side. Lily's head was buried in James's shoulder, and she tears silently flowed down her cheeks, even though they were obviously in a wonderful place, a place much better than Earth. James shook his head sadly.

"How could you leave our little boy alone down there, Sirius, with no one to care for him and love him? I trusted you to look after Harry, and you failed us both. How could you be so selfish?" By the time James finished speaking, he was screaming at me, and tears were streaming down his face.

The images disappeared as quickly as they had come. I realized killing myself was a selfish and irresponsible thing to do. Elizabeth, James, and Lily all died because they didn't have a choice in the matter, but here I was taking my own life. How could I have even considered such a thing? Sighing, I put my wand away, and somehow managed to get to sleep.

I was awakened by the sound of men's voices. They were angry voices, shouting to one another. I froze as I realized the footsteps and voices were coming closer. I knew it would do me no good to run; they would just find me anyway. As soon as the thought occurred to me, one of the voices shouted, "There he is, by that tree!"

In a flash, I was disarmed from my wand, and was pulled to my feet. Someone tied my hands behind my back and said, "Sirius Black, you're under arrest!"

Author's note: I know the dogs are a little off topic, but I felt like I needed to add something to this chapter. Was it worth it, or a horrible mistake? Please let me know. I STRONGLY appreciate any and all reviews. Thanks. :)

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