A/N: I guess I got my swagger back? Enjoy. Love and be loved. Read… and review!
Winter Air
Bright, beautiful, omnipotent white. Darkness is extinguished by the light. All of the cobwebs of the past few hours are gone. It feels like a fresh start. It feels like a chance to do everything all over again. It feels like the joy is back. It feels like things are making sense again. It all comes back to me. It all makes sense. It all comes together. It gets so beautiful and yet so harsh. It is too great for mine own eyes. I cannot stare directly into it because it is unbearable. I am not worthy. It all becomes clear… in the blink of an eye.
I open my eyes to the world around me and look straight into the eyes of chaos. Chaos, yeah, that pretty much describes my room. Clothes lay on the ground, just about everywhere, a coffee cup with residue of hot chocolate sits on my desktop, and a picture-less picture frame is staring right at me. Mom got it for me last Sunday so I could put pictures of me and my friends in it… but… I just couldn't think of anyone… so I left it untouched on my desk, good as new. The black background of the wooden frame stares at me from across the room and sends a bit of a quiver down my spine… but I kinda like it. I draw the blanket in closer to my body and pull my knees into my stomach and start looking for something else to look at. The cold air breathes down my neck and so I shut my eyes and pull tighter. So… so cold. 'Just like me.'
That voice… I've heard it before. It's not the first time it's spoken to me… not the first time it's attacked me. I've heard it before, and it has been just as vicious as it was just now. I just… I never really thought about it before. But he's always been there. He's always reminded me when I screw up. He's unkind and unfair, but he's always right. Invariably, he is always right. When I do or say something that is wrong or mean or hurtful, he lets me know. He's just… he's just there. He scares me sometimes… tells me to do things… tells me how to think or act or feel… and I just don't want to… I know that it's wrong… but I know that he's right… but right now he's just reminding me of something I already know… that I'm so cold… but I really don't want to be… I do want to go back to being happy… what I would give to have Rika take it back… take it all back and take me back into her arms… to have her smile upon me again with kindness and joy… I want to be kind and open and warm…
Warm. Ahhhh, how nice that would be. I thrust the blankets off of me and venture out into the cold winter air. I sit up in bed and reach for my black sweat pants and pull them over my grey shorts. I jump out of bed, go over to my dresser drawer and pull out a long sleeve, blood red shirt and pull it on. I shove the cabinet closed and open another one near by, pulling out a violet t-shirt and put it on. I stand up and prepare to leave the room. Time to face the cold, vicious world.
As I step into the bitter upstairs hallway I feel my body grow colder with the winter air intruding through my clothes and tightly wrapping itself around my body. I look across the hallway and see the door of my parent's bedroom slightly ajar, which means that they're up already. I take a few steps down the stairs and the floor of this old building creaks with every step. Sometimes I really despise this place. I love my parents, I truly do, but their decisions don't exactly fit the perfect background for me. This place where I live… it is no home. It's not even a house. It's a building. I live in a building. That's all. How many people get to say that about their childhood? While the others are growing up in homes and such, I am stuck inside of a building. A building built in search of servicing others. There is no freedom in this place, just a sense of being that is subjected to the wants and needs of others. The others. Ah-ha. There it is again. The wants of others. No personal experience of self celebration. No, rather, I am stuck being the object of the others desires, not their affection. I am an object of lust, not love. I am an object. I am an object.
I reach the bottom of the stairs and have a couple of paths to choose from. I could move onward into the store part of the building but I hear no commotion coming from there. Are we closed? We're closed on Sundays, but it's not Sunday. I turn my head instead and look directly into the bakery. No sign of life? I turn to the final possible path, taking a peak into the kitchen and there I find my parents. Once again I feel the cold air wrap itself around me like a Christmas gift and the hairs on my arms stand up. I walk gingerly into the kitchen, almost as if the cold has injured me in some way. Dad picks his eyes up from reading the paper and Mom looks over at me from the stove, busy making eggs. "Good morning, Takato. How'd you sleep?"
How does she think I slept? "Fine…" I respond with no real emotion in my voice.
"Would you like some eggs, dear?" she asks sincerely.
My initial reaction is to hiss 'No' at her, but I know that won't be received very well. "Umm… sure." I say, again emotionless.
"Okay, you can have this batch. It'll be ready in a sec." She says.
I take a seat across from Dad and stare at the back page of the newspaper. The stories are about as interesting as watching leaves fall or grass grow. They read off, "Mother Killed Giving Birth," "Snow On the Way," and "Teen Girl Commits Suicide."
The last of the stories intrigues me. I wonder what happened? I squint my eyes to try and read the tiny print and discover what happened and why she did it… 'A teens life was cut short yesterday, all in blame to
"Takato, here you go! They're ready!" Mom exclaims.
I turn my head away to face her and see her holding out a plate-full of bright yellow eggs for me. I push the thought of the dead girl from my mind and go to retrieve my breakfast. I sit back down and throw salt and pepper on them… but I'm not all that hungry now. I push the food around for a few seconds, then put a couple forkfuls into my mouth… but they go down painstakingly. I look around for any exit from having to continue eating. But where do I go when I'm the one who sat down? I stop eating and in a minute or so Mom sits down with a plate for herself. She begins to eat and my Dad just keeps reading… its quiet… so quiet… its murder! The silence speaks volumes for what is between the three of us. They have no idea of what is happening in my life. They don't know what's going on. If only I could give them the insight… but they'd never forgive me. Losing all of my closest friends… what loser son does that? And by pushing them away it shows the lack of character I have… or at least that's the way they'd see it. They have no idea how hard this is for me… to have nothing… to have no one… this isn't easy! Do they think I like this? Is that what they think? It's not like I'm asking for this! It's not like I was hoping for this from the very beginning! They don't even know me! This silence… it speaks such volumes. The truth comes shining through the empty air. It punctures the brain and tells it exactly what is really happening. If they only knew… if they only knew! Maybe… maybe they could help me? Maybe they could make things better? Maybe they could point me in the right direction… but they would never understand. How could they? They don't know what its like to be me.
Mom goes about her merry business, eating happily, without a care in the world. Dad reads the paper solemnly, uncaring for the rest of the world. God, they are infuriating! Say something! Say anything! Tell me what to do! Please! "So, are you excited for the snow, Takato?" Dad says nonchalantly.
Snow… "What… snow?" I ask him, confused.
Mom shoots me a surprised look. "Why do you think we're not open?"
Why aren't we open? I look to the nearest window and sure enough the pane is white with snow. It is light but it is there. I stand up and move to the window, looking out the window, dazed and confused. It's… snowing. Wow. The white downpour seems almost invading to me…. Not only is it covering the ground, but it is also overshadowing the grey world with a bright shade of something else. This is so strange. I don't like it but it seems so inviting, then again, so are all things that are bad for you. I turn from staring out the window to my parents and my Mom is just staring at me… smiling. Why must all those who infuriate me smile at my seething hatred? I need… I need to get out of this damn house… but how, when it is snowing like this? What could I possibly do? What is there to…
The lake! Of course! It's only the second weekend into December, so he's still looking for people to help out if they can! "Umm… I think I'm gonna go swing by Old Jenkin's Lake… to help set up…" I announce to the room.
Dad pulls back the newspaper and finally reveals his face to me. Lines riddle his face, signifying years of knowledge and hard work. His glasses give off a certain sheen that awes me for a moment. He opens his mouth and I await his instructions, "In this weather?" he starts and pauses. "You better be bundled up real good and be extra careful on your way there and back."
I nod my head, my mouth hanging open. My Mom's blonde hair whips around as she goes back to eating her breakfast, "Extra careful is right." she calls out just before going back to work.
I turn tails and head back up the stairs to put on more protected clothes. I hustle into my closet and dig out a pair of boots for the weather, an extra pair of socks to pull over the ones I'm already wearing, big floppy overalls, a sweatshirt and a jacket to wear, gloves and a ski cap. I load it all up into my arms and slowly carry it all into the bathroom. I drop everything off on the floor and close the door behind me. I stand up straight but then dodge the mirror. The fear of facing myself is far too much to handle. I can't even look at myself anymore without feeling a monster well up inside of me, ready to vehemently attack. I sit on the floor and pull on the new pair of socks. Next, I stand up and pull the dark blue overalls over my black sweat pants. I lift up the grey sweatshirt and pull it over my dark red and violet outfit, then slip a denim jacket over the sweatshirt. I feel something rumble around in the denim pocket, so I reach inside and
"Ewww, gross." I say aloud as I pull out a half eaten lollipop out. I throw it into the trashcan and I don't know what it was doing in there or why anyone would put it there but I can't help but feel responsible. I turn the water on and wash my hands clean of the sticky whatever on them. I rub them through the towel, look up and
Those shallow blue eyes. Dark rings, darker even than they were before, surround the area around my eyes. My nose is dried out this time… all scabby and foul… my hair is still a mess. There are heavy lines within the dark circles too… about three lines under each eye. My lips are extra fat. My neck… so long and so thin. I feel sick just looking at him. His eyes… they are much worse now than they were a week ago. His skin is so pale that if it were any whiter I'd call him a ghost of the person he once was. His cheeks are still so sunken into his face that he resembles a skeleton. Involuntarily, I take a step back to get a better look at this man.
He wears a ridiculous outfit that puffs out and makes him seem more like a big, ball of black and dark blue… rather than any kind of person. Slowly he removes a denim jacket he was wearing and it reveals that his shoulders are smaller than they previously appeared. He tears off a grey sweatshirt and tosses it aside, revealing a much more real, grotesque person, with thin arms, a flat stomach and a thin torso in general. He resembles more of a skeleton now than ever before. But no… there is still more. He thrusts obscene overalls off of him and steps out of them and into the inviting warm air. He stares hatefully at me… and I stare at him in his full. His head is titled downward and his eyes appear just visible in the mirror, staring at me as if I have just killed his lover and he is ready to attack. He stays in this position for a few moments and each second that passes I feel more and more afraid that he will attack. Every moment that goes by I fear him more and more. I try and turn my eyes away… to turn away from him and look to something… anything else…
"LOOK AT ME!"
My eyes thrust back to him. His head is no longer titled. No. Now he stands up tall, a hating scowl on his face. His eyes are wide open, not even a hint of eyelids showing. His teeth show as he grits them at me. I… I don't want to look at him… but I can't tear my eyes away.
"Look… at… me." He slowly commands.
His chest begins to rise and sink with each loud breath he takes. I… hate him. And he hates me. Suddenly he brings his hand to his cheek, almost as if he's slapped himself. His pinky lies above his lips but below his nose… his ring finger crosses over the bridge of his nose and blocks off vision from one of his eyes… his other three fingers sit barely separated on his face, completely blocking the view of his other eye… slowly he begins to drag his hand down the side of his face, forcefully rubbing it… he moves his hand down his face until his ring finger inadvertently begins to pull his lower lip down… the rest of this hand slowly moves into position… around his neck… he bring his entire hand into a stranglehold around his neck… he wants me dead… he wants…
Suddenly something goes off in my mind. What… what am I doing? I blink a few times but my reflection is still the same… I stand in the bathroom, back down to my original outfit with my hand clasped firmly around my neck. I let go and take a few deep breaths. What… what just happened? Who… was that person? That… that couldn't have been me… could it? I… I need to get the hell out of here. I… I can't look at myself anymore… I just… I just can't!
I quickly thrust all of the clothes back onto myself, putting the boots on last and then run out of the bathroom as quickly as I can. I thunder down the stairs and out the back door before I can catch a glimpse of myself in anything or see my parents again. I don't want them to see me… not after what just happened… I don't want them to know… I don't want them to hate me…
It takes plenty of time, but I traverse the route to Old Jenkins' Lake fairly quickly. I climb the hill that I once raced down against Rika. What was I really thinking that day? Where did that even come from? What was I thinking? What was…
No! I shove the thoughts from my mind as I move slowly over to the lake, each step a little heavier than the last. The lake is well known throughout the city, but it's more famous to the locals than anyone else. People love to come here for whatever reason; to relax, to skate, to have fun or just to be alone. Depending on the time that you arrive this place can either be packed or it can be empty. There isn't much known about Old Jenkins himself though. A lot of rumors fly around about him, but no one is really sure what is actually true. I personally have never met him before but I most certainly would like to. His autonomy is so secretive that it's interesting and even borders on fascinating. For the most part you could call him some creep who transforms this simple lake into a magical place every winter, and it is quite the magical place to be indeed. There have actually been marriage proposals on sight before, people claim to have had their first kisses there and new friends are found almost all the time. It's very nearly impossible to go to the lake and leave unhappy.
What the secret behind it all is, however, is the warm heartedness of the man behind the lake. Mr. Jenkins may be very mysterious but he preaches all of the good ways in life; he invites teens to come set up his shop that is outside of the store; which is a small building that bears the spring, summer and fall until, during the winter, he sells ice skates for anyone who needs them. It's not a big building, but it's also not all that small. The ice, somehow, has never given way for anyone to fall through… not in any of the number of years that it's been around, which goes back to further than anyone is certain.
I close in on the front door of the store, which is sealed shut. I walk up to it, turn the handle and… locked? Hmmm. I let go of the handle. Strange, it's still the second weekend, so it should still be open for help. Maybe I should try the back door? I walk around the side of the building, a good fifteen feet or so, turn the corner and as I arrive at the back door I find a note taped on all four sides to the door. It reads;
"And said: Thus Far shall you come but no farther,
And here shall your proud waves be stilled"
—Job 38:11
Thanks to all for coming out and helping set up the shop!
Skating begins on the 22nd
I… I'm too late. I came all the way out here… and I am too late. I go to looking at the snow that surrounds my feet. I begin to walk away, unsure of exactly where I'm going to go. I was… so ready to help. I was so prepared to make something of this day, and now I have nothing. I am stuck outside in the freezing cold air with no purpose and no reason. I wasted my time… wasted… I have wasted away once again…
I feel dryness well up inside of my throat. I really just don't know what to do… all that trouble to get here… all the trouble I went through just so I could get here and make something of myself, and now I can do nothing but read… read a sign posted to expel the need for anyone even like me… no need at all… I'm not needed… I…
'You're worthless!'
Worthless… yes… that fits quite adequately. I am worthless. I really… never do anything right, do I? Everyone has left me… no one cares about me anymore… not Henry… not Jeri… especially not Rika… not my parents… not even… not even I care anymore. So what if I wasted my time coming here? That's what I do best, right? Waste away. Just like you! You always waste your time and other people's time! You always do this bullshit! What the fuck is wrong with you? Jesus Christ, you make me sick. Damn it Takato, get your shit together! Oh that's right, you can't because you're too busy wasting away! You fucking loser. I hate you! I really do. You are a horrible person. Look what you've done to your friends? Henry and Jeri and Rika… all of them… gone! But… I tried so hard to get them… no… no I really didn't… I just let them go… just watched them turn their back on me and walk away, forever into the darkness… the others… that's all they are to me anymore… just the others… lost and gone forever… you fucking...
"Damn it… what the fuck is wrong with me?" I say aloud, finally speaking out against… myself?
I look up briefly and see a snow covered wooden bench overlooking the entire lake. I try to wipe some of the snow off, but barely get any off before I sit down and go back to staring at the ground. What… what's wrong with me? Why am I being so harsh? Why am I beating myself up like this? I suppose I deserve some of it… but… where is this coming from? I don't… I don't hate myself… I… I love myself… I know I do… at least… I think I do. So, why am I doing this to myself? Why
"Hello there, stranger." The distant voice says, piercing my thoughts.
I look up into the strange whitened air. The bright blue sky and white snow background burn my eyes for a few seconds, as if I have just looked directly into the sun. I close my eyes once more and the darkness of closed eyes is equally as troubling. I try once more to open my eyes to the world around me and the figure of a person comes into focus. Slowly but steadily the facets of this person become sharper and clearer. They come into focus little by little until I begin to make out the person… slender… medium height… a girl… she stares down at me through her brown eyes… a smirk on her face… but a halfhearted smirk at that… as if she knows… she is one of them… one of the others… "Mind if I have a seat?"
"Jeri… umm… sure." I say, bewildered at her sudden appearance but a mixture of joy and uncertainty sweeps over me. I am happy to see her again… but I want to hate her for everything that has happened between us…
She takes her time wiping the bench clear of snow… she is so slow in her approach… so patient… so cautious… so methodical… so infuriating. The snow comes down slowly around her and she shines against it like an angel. It pours out slowly around her, almost as if it was salt being slowly thrown onto the world. She leans over the bench but she stands tall and strong. Her fair skin is complimented by her clothing; she wears a light pink sweater that covers the entirety of her torso, light brown sweat pants that cover from her waist to the tips of her sky blue boots. Something about her is just so vibrant and so alive while set against the backdrop of the falling snow. She seems so real to me, yet I know her as so fake. I feel more self-assured with her around, but at the same time a green eyed monster is beating inside of me, clawing at my insides to attack her in some way and make her go away. But I can't do it… and I won't do it. She finishes clearing it all off and takes a seat next to me.
We both stare out onto the frozen lake. I wonder how this little lake can support so many people, year, after year, after year, after year? I suppose that's just part of the magic behind the lake. The icy surface gleams bright white and blue, reflecting the snow and sky back off of it. There… there's just something mystical about it. It is enchanting and enthralling but just the way it is disturbs me a bit. How could this lake possibly be so strong as to hold up people and support them? How does that happen? How does something so beautiful have so much strength? Rika and Jeri… they too are beautiful but they have no true strength behind them. They are just humans. They can be destroyed or locked away and will someday pass from this world… they have their own strengths, but they are not strong. Henry too… he is beautiful, but he is just a man. He is not immortal. Someday he will diminish and leave this world… but this lake will remain and every fourth season it will provide the same support for people everywhere. This lake is so strong and beautiful… so mystical…
"So, tell me, Takato, how have you been?" the other asks me.
I don't want to take my eyes away from the lake, but I do with some effort and steal a glance at her. She sits back on the bench, legs crossed, hands in lap, looking over at me as I lean forward off the bench, my elbows sitting comfortably on my knees, my right hand in a fist which my left hands wraps around. What do I say to her? Do I tell her what she wants to hear; that all has been well? Or do I tell her the truth; that I don't really know what's happening to me right now. That I feel abandoned by everyone and left for nothing. Left by everyone who ever mattered in my life. Left to fight against something I really don't completely understand nor like. What do I tell her? What do I say? "Umm… things have been… okay."
She cocks her head to the side and stares at me oddly, because she can sense something about what I've just said. It's almost as if she can smell my uncertainty and wants to sniff it out. "Well, what does 'okay' mean?"
Do I lie? Do I tell her how I feel? There just seems something so put offing about telling her that I hate her and everyone else for abandoning me. I just… I don't know where to go or what to say. "Well… things have been… just okay. Nothing real good to say, ya know? The usual." I respond.
"So things have been bad, then?" She responds, having caught the dangerous ambiguity in what I said. Again… do I lie?
"Well… I mean, there's just nothing to say, ya know? The usual stuff." I say, determined to neither lie nor tell her the truth.
"Takato, what is the 'usual stuff'? Really?" She asks, forcing the issue because she can sniff out my uncertainty and wants to chase it down.
I pause for a few seconds, trying once again to discover a solution to her problem that is neither completely wrong nor completely right. "Just been trying to get by in school. Just trying to get to Christmas break. Trying to get by, ya know?" I say dully.
"No, I don't know. Why don't you tell me?" she says calmly.
I stare into the dark brown in her eyes and try and read what it is that she wants. What the fuck do I have to say to shut her up? What will make her stop pestering me? I feel like she's just fooling me and making me say things that she knows she can manipulate and turn around and force out my thoughts. I don't want to share with her… but I want to. I… I want to grab her hand in mine and squeeze it tight and know that we are still friends and things are going to be okay. I want everything to be good again… I feel a sudden urge to cry out my fears to her and tell her everything that's been going on with me… that I really don't know what's been happening to me? "I just… I've been…"
I stop and when I don't say anything she definitely takes notice. She leans forward also and tries to look me in the eye, but I turn my head and look at the snow now on the ground. I don't want to look her in the eyes right now… I feel almost guilty at my disdain for her and for everyone else… "Please talk to me, Takato…"
I can't stop myself now. I turn to her and almost yell, "Why? Why should I talk to you? You come of out nowhere and start asking me all these questions!"
She stares at me a little surprised, but not altogether jarred. "I'm sorry… I didn't know it would bother you this much…"
"Of course it does! You sit there all smug and think you can just play on my words and try and get me to say things I don't want to say." I say as cold as the snow.
"I just… want to know what's going on in your life." She says slowly
"Why? Why do you suddenly care? You haven't talked to me in forever, now suddenly you care?" I say impassioned at her.
She closes her eyes, as if that may soften the blows I am throwing at her, "I just want to know what what's going on in your life."
I stare at her, bewildered and unsure of what to say now. I peel my eyes away from her and stare back out to the lake. A silence falls between us as I am unsure just of what to do or what to say. There seems to be an emptiness of emotion; the silence screams the truth of the nothingness between us, but at the same time, I don't seem to mind it all that much… a little quiet every now and then… makes things alright… but right now everything is NOT alright…
"It was Henry…" she says quite suddenly.
I look over to her, a bit confused, and my eyes implore her to go on, "He was really worried about you… so he wanted me to check up on you… told me that when he talked to you last Friday you acted really strange…"
Of course… Henry… he must have seen something in me… something that spoke to him… something that scratched at his soul and wouldn't let him get away with watching me slip through the crack into oblivion… he felt guilty… he felt sorry for me… I would feel sorry for me too…
"He thought I could help you out more than anyone else." She confesses to me.
My eyes track her down quite quickly from staring at the snow. What did she mean by that? "What… do you mean?"
"I'm not sure… he felt like there was something I could help you with better than anyone else could…"
'Better than anyone else could. . .?' The words ring through my mind and echo into my memory. Why her? She is so empty … so untrue to herself and others… why would she be so perfect as to help me? Maybe because we have so much between us… maybe that's it? Maybe… but… still… "So… how did you know I was going to be here?" I asked as the thought occurs to me.
"I called your house to talk to you about all of this, and your Mom told me you were headed here. So I thought I'd meet you here… I guess…"
Something inside of me calls for.. for.. for honesty. Something claws at my stomach and tells me that I should tell her about some of how I've felt over the past few months, how I've never felt more distant from her, how I hate her and everyone else.
NO! You can't trust her! And she'll hate you for hating her!
I just don't know that she will! And that fear of the unknown is keeping me away. I can't just throw myself at her with a sob story. She would never understand. She could never understand. Right. Right? I look over at her now. She looks over at me so concerned. The black of her eyes is so small, that hazel brown all encompassing and begging me to dive in and swim in her warmth.
She'll only hurt you! She'll only help me.
"Jeri" I say, pausing to allow the words to come to me. They flow forth like they'd always been there, "you have to listen to me. Don't interrupt me because that's only going to stop me from telling you everything."
She nods her head.
"It's just that everything has been so different. Every one's changed and everything is so different from the summer. And, to tell you the truth, it started when you and Henry started dating."
I revisit that place in my mind as I recline on the bench. My arms sit limply at my side and I stare out into the snow. My heart winces at the pain I felt when the girl sitting next to me slipped through my fingers. I needed her then, just like I need her now. I look at her sideways and frown, "It sounds really stupid, I know. I know this is going to sound ridiculous but it's the truth. I felt like I was the one that loved you, and he was the one dating you."
"Takato."
"Please, Jeri. Please." I stop her. She looks so disconcerted. "I know it sounds ridiculous and I know we could debate what I know about love and whether what I felt for you was love or not but that is just how I felt. And then Rika with all her bullshit with Ryo and I just," now I stopped.
I felt the weight from the last two and a half months come crashing down on me. I wanted to stop the pain before it came but there was nothing I could do. I felt the warm tears welling up. I look over at Jeri and she shakes her head, "I just miss you guys."
"Takato! We haven't gone anywhere," she says reaching out and grabbing my hand. She puts it in her lap and holds it in both of hers. She rubs our hands but I can't feel her flesh, only the gloves. I can't feel her.
"But you have." I say fighting the tears off. "You guys've all left me. No one fuckin cares anymore."
"Takato, that's not—"
"I fucking hate you guys," I say ripping my hand away and standing up to face her. "And I hate it. I don't want to. I don't want to hate you guys anymore. I just want it to all go back to the way it was."
She seems crushed by this and I see the tears welling up in her eyes. "Takato, it can never go back to the way it was before."
The tears stream down her face. I stand looking down at her and there is a solemn acceptance between us. Can never go back. The words, I can tell already, will follow me for the rest of my life. I turn my back on her and face the lake. I can feel the tears preparing to overflow. The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. "What about us?"
A strong wind comes rushing by and the snow drives in all around me. "What do you mean?"
"Do you think we can ever go back to what we were before?"
She says nothing.
I turn back to face her as she wipes a few stray tears away. "Do you think we could ever be us again?"
"Of course we can, Takato. We were never not us. I've always been here for you. I swear."
I can't go on. My legs buckle and I fall to my knees. The tears come hard and fast. The warm droplets race down my icy cheeks. Snow droplets and fresh tears mix together to blur my vision. I sink down and lay my head on the freshly powdered bench. She places her hands on my head and I sob. The guilt of my hatred comes rushing to me.
How could you ever doubt them!
I don't know! I should have known, I should have never doubted Jeri. She would never leave me, never hurt me like this. What a fucking jerk I am! Horrible person! Yes! Horrible person! Fucking terrible friend! Fuck up, all you are!
Suddenly, I feel arms wrapping me up and lifting my lifeless body. I get dropped off on hard wooden material and I look up into the eyes of my captor. The bright beauty of it cut right through me. I am transported from the dark recesses of my mind and find myself lying on the bench looking into Jeri's hazel eyes. That… that's never happened before. I've never heard the voice while I was around others. Never had him take over while I was with someone. "Takato! What's wrong with you?"
I'm so vulnerable. Had she heard what I had heard? Did she know what I had said? Did she know what I knew? "Jeri, I'm sorry I—"
"No, Takato. I'm sorry."
I sniffled then wiped fresh tears. The snow now came down around her in slow motion. Her pasty white skin was fading into the background of the lake and landscape. I have no idea what is going on. Jeri grabs me by the shoulders and fixes me into a sitting position. She sits down next to me and I follow her movements. She crosses her legs and clasps her hands together. She closes her eyes. Her muscles relax.
Her eyes open. "I'm sorry that I didn't realize before what Henry meant when he said I could help you out more than anyone else."
I just sit there in stunned silence.
"Takato, there's something I need to tell you. Something I never shared with anyone until I told Henry a few months ago. Something you never knew about me before."
My mind began to race. All we had been through and there was something secret about Jeri? We'd been best friends since as far as I could remember. The lonely girl who was outcast by everyone and then accepted later for her individualism. We had been through everything together. Leomon's death and the D-Reaper. Everything. Everything, that is except my recent plight. And apparently what she was about to tell me. The tears dried on my face.
"Takato, do you remember what happened when my Dad tried to re-marry?"
"You hated it," I say, finding the answer in an instant.
"Yes, but did I ever tell my Dad that?" she asks.
"No, you only really told… me."
"Exactly. I internalized it, because I hated that my Dad was trying to replace my Mom."
'Internalized.' That word scares me. I'm not even sure I know what it means but I don't like it one bit. She continues, "I wanted to act out but I wouldn't, do you remember that?"
I nod. I knew all of this already.
"I wanted to blame my Dad so bad but instead, I blamed myself."
"Why? You didn't do anything."
She puts her hand on my knee but doesn't look me in the eye. Instead she stares out to the lake, "I know that, now. But back then I didn't understand. I couldn't blame my Dad for wanting to remarry and my brother was all for it. Everyone was on board except me. Then you remember how no one in school liked me?"
I nod again. "But they were all full of—"
"But you remember?" she asks.
The frown on her face is so foreboding. "I liked you, Jeri."
Instead of smiling at this, she shakes her head. "I was mad at myself for letting my Dad remarry and forget the memory of my Mom. People didn't like me. I was so young, Takato. I started to question who was wrong: all of the people who didn't like me, or the one me who did like me."
I could almost see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it scared me. "Jeri, I liked you!"
She grimaces and pulls her hand away. She shifts her body weight and uncrosses her legs. She stares out into the distance. "Takato, I…"
"You what, Jeri?" I entreat.
"Takato," she says, turning back to me. "I didn't even like me."
I felt as if I have just watched a mountain crumble before me.
She reaches up and puts her hands on my shoulders and we make eye contact. "I hated myself."
Like an angel denied faith I shook my head in disbelief. How is any of this happening right now? "Jeri…"
"Do you remember, Takato, back in September, when I had that scar that I wouldn't explain?"
…She has a scar on her right forearm from an accident a couple of weeks ago that she refuses to tell me about, but it makes her veins really visible …
I feel lost. I remember so clearly the mark, the frayed skin healing itself. She had come back from summer vacation with that scar. But what did that have to do with any of this?
"Takato… I did something…" she paused and I looked at her face. Fresh tears were streaming down her face. "Really terrible."
"What did you do, Jeri? What happened?"
My mind is moving at a speed I never knew it could. I can't imagine what happened? It was an accident. What had she done?
"I hurt myself, Takato." She says with a sob. She doesn't even look at me. "I cut myself. But I haven't done it again since then and I promised Henry I never would again. And that's why—"
She continues to talk but I'm in another world. She… cut… herself? She cut herself? She took something sharp to that right forearm and cut herself open. She gutted her arm on herself. Cut along a vein on her arm. Cut up herself. Cut herself. She cut herself. I try to picture a sad Jeri, defeated by the world around her that beat her down, alone in her room, the lights off, lying hopelessly on her bed wielding a blade that was playfully, slowly, teasingly running against her right forearm. But I couldn't even picture a sad Jeri.
"—know it was a mistake but, oh, Takato, I just don't know what—"
I don't know what possessed me to do it but it was what I desired most, to know the answer, "Did it hurt?"
She stops immediately and stares at me through wet eyes. "What?"
The wind has stopped. The snow falls silently. We stare at one another for a long moment. I blink and she continues to hold a contorted scowl. She could not believe what I had just said, but I ask again, "Did it hurt?"
The silence looms over us. I don't know what to say. She straightens her shoulders and wipes her cheeks once more. Her hands reach out and she takes my hands in hers. She leans in and now our faces are no more than a few inches apart. "I'm sorry I told you all of that. But you need to understand, that we are all here for you. Henry and myself, we are here for you."
Suddenly, the bright white snow all around us is gone. There is a flash of phoenix red. It whips around in front of me then dances around momentarily before disappearing. The fire red hair, the cold demeanor, the girl. Rika's face explodes like a firework into my mind. She is not here for me. She hates me. She said so herself. "I don't know why I was ever friends with you. Never talk to me again. I hate you!" I look back into the brown of Jeri's eyes. "What about Rika? She hates me."
Jeri rears her head back and lets go of my hands, her expression aghast. "No she doesn't!"
"She told me she didn't want to be around me anymore." I say slowly.
"When?" she fires back.
"A couple of months ago." I say, remembering the day foggily.
"What?" she asks, her brow furrowed now as she visibly racks her brain.
"Right at the end of September." I say as the memory of that day slowly comes back to me.
After a few seconds of silence there is a moment of apprehension and Jeri's entire expression changes. "Takato, can I ask you a question and get a truthful response?"
I hesitate but allow it, "Sure."
"You said earlier that you felt you loved me. How do you feel about Rika?"
Once more the blazing red hair trails through my mind. Her calm, calculated manner. Her tough girl attitude. The icy, unbreakable exterior that only I seemed able to penetrate. Ryo, he was nothing. He could not possibly see her the way I see her. She was so close to me and meant so much and he had taken her away from me. "Well… I love her too. But it's different."
She turns her head to the side, "How so?"
"I love her like a sister."
She smiles and bows her head. She suddenly pulls her sleeve up to unveil a blue, plastic watch. She looks back up at me. "Takato, if you really do love her like a sister then you should be there for her," she says as she stands up. "She's going to need you very soon."
"What does that mean?" I ask alerted.
She fixes her hair and smiles down at me, "I'm not sure, Takato. Just be there for her when she needs it."
She turns and begins to trudge back into the snow. I can't just let her leave. "Where are you going?
"Home. I told my Mom I'd back in an hour. Time's almost up."
The questions still linger for me however. I have so much to ask, so much to say and I know once this opportunity is gone I will not get another. Can never go back. "Why, Jeri? Why should I be there for her? She's not here for me now."
She stops a few yards away. She stands next to the beautiful old oak tree. The one I once stared at on a beautiful summer day, when everything was perfect. Before any of this happened. The wind howls behind me and blows snow at Jeri. It doesn't faze her, "She wants to be, Takato. I promise you. She wants to be."
With that, she turns around and is gone. I want to ask her so many things. So many unanswered questions but, for some strange reason, none resonates more in my mind and none are more important than, "Did it hurt?"
I, too, now turn around and make my way against the wind. Pushing against the snow and the winter air, I head home.
A/N: "Who said I was finished, and Father Time was the blame? They disrespected my legacy and threw dirt on my name. Told authors he's over, he ain't writin' the same. What he says is irrelevant, Rukato culture has changed." I hope no one ever thought I had given up. Both The Lake and Promise are a huge part of me and I will never settle until both stories are completed. So here's a huge step forward in the right direction for The Lake. This was a humongous chapter, almost 8.5K words. To be honest I had most of it written 3 years ago but the real world got in between me and writing and what started as a small writers block culminated in an three year standoff. I had no idea where to go with this chapter but gradually I built it into a fine chapter (in my opinion). I've missed you guys, a lot. I really have. I've missed having the free time to write for fun and to just post as much as I wanted. And I'm not promising I'm back. I'm not going to say that I'm here for good. But I promise you that both The Lake and Promise will be complete in the next year. Both are fantastic stories that need conclusions, endings. Endings which I drew up many years ago and still plan on implementing. I can promise you one thing: the quality of my writing has improved exponentially. I am much more confident in my writing ability than I ever was 3 years ago. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and I look forward to writing more in the future. 2012 will be the Year of Notorious P.A.T. By the way, the opening of this Author's Note is the opening to an LL Cool J song, I just changed the lyrics. No other authors have spoken ill of me (I hope?) I just wanted something bad ass to start us off with. Please review! I've missed you guys so much.
Love Always. Rukato Forever!
Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.