A/N. I apologize ahead of time for the angsty turn that this chapter takes towards the end. I fully intended to make this a fluffy and happy Cargan bromance story but today changed that. I'm close very with a family at our church and this year has been an incredible struggle for the three boys and their mother. I spent a few hours of this evening with the mother while the boys were away and to be perfectly honest, it was really hard. I couldn't get the song, "Grown Up Christmas List" by Amy Grant out of my head. Anyway, once again, I'm sorry.
I don't own anything.
"As children we believed the grandest sight to see was something lovely wrapped beneath our tree. Well, Heaven surely knows that packages and bows can never heal a hurting human soul." - Grown Up Christmas List by Amy Grant.
"Christmas cheer?" Logan repeats, the words sounding foreign coming from his own lips. "What are you talking about, Carlos?"
Carlos rolls his eyes. "I mean, Christmas cheer, Logan. "You can't even tell that Christmas is in a week by looking around here."
"Oh." Logan's face turns red and he drops his gaze. "Yeah well, my dad and I haven't really celebrated it for a few years." he explains quietly. In a gesture that his friends have come to recognize as a sign of embarrassment, he reaches up and rubs the back of his neck.
A glimmer of sadness shines in Carlos' eyes but he tries to hide it for Logan's sake. "I guess I can sort of tell now. We always. . . wondered why you never invited us over around Christmastime. Not that it's a big deal, us coming over. It's just that-" Carlos can see that he's not achieving his goal which is to make Logan feel better, so he abruptly switches gears.
"Anyway!" he says brightly. "I think that we need to change that. You still have all of your Christmas decorations, right?"
Logan nods slowly. "Yeah, up in the attic," he tells Carlos. "Are you sure that you-"
"Logan, don't be ridiculous!" Carlos exclaims, waving away Logan's doubts. "Come on, it'll be fun, but only if you want to. Please, Logie?"
By now, Logan is fighting to keep a smile off of his face. "All right," he relents rather easily. "I think that sounds like a lot of fun. I might be a little out of practice though."
Carlos can tell Logan meant to joke, so he acts like the words are funny instead of painful to hear. "Don't worry," he laughs. "I won't let you hang anything upside down or break it. I'm a Christmas expert!"
The two boys slowly make their way up the stairs, planning as they go. Logan quickly realizes that Carlos' Christmas cheer doesn't just involve decorations from the attic, but Christmas cookies, music, and a real tree as well. In spite of himself, he's getting excited about the prospect of finally having Christmas back in his home and he even lets a small part of his thoughts drift to his father and what he'll think when he gets home.
"Logan!" Carlos calls, waving a hand in front of his best friend's face to get his attention. "Earth to Logan!"
"Sorry, what?" asks Logan distractedly. He pulls his thoughts away from his dad and focuses on Carlos who is waiting with abnormal patience.
"Are you okay?" Carlos asks him simply. "You kind of zoned out on me for a minute there. What's up? You're not having second thoughts about this, are you?"
"No way!" Logan shakes his head quickly. "No, I was just thinking about. . . how great this will be." He briefly toys with the idea of asking Carlos what his dad will think, but even mild tempered Carlos can get angry at just the mere mention of Ryan Mitchell. It's a sensitive subject for everyone, really. Logan doesn't want to spoil the good mood that is slowly warming up the chilly atmosphere of the house.
At first, Carlos looks like he might not believe Logan. Then he smiles again and it's like he never suspected anything. "You'll see," he promises. "We'll make this the best Christmas ever."
It's so easy to believe Carlos when he's excited and determined like this. No matter how level headed Logan is, there are times when Carlos can convince him of anything. Tonight is one of those times. Maybe it's the magic of the season but Carlos has trumped the former gloom that was over the house just minutes ago.
The attic is dark and musty, lit by only a single light bulb in the middle of the room. Logan fumbled around at first before he finally found the cord. "Aha!" he exclaimed cheerfully. "And there was light!"
"Barely," Carlos remarks. He glances around the room. "So, where are the decorations?"
"There should be marked boxes," Logan tells him, looking in the opposite direction of Carlos. "But they might be a little buried because we haven't used them in a while." He carefully shoves aside a small stack of boxes, glancing behind them.
"Did you find them?" Carlos asks, looking through another pile. Logan doesn't answer him and he glances over his shoulder. "Logan?" But Logan is still completely quiet and finally Carlos turns around and crosses the room to where Logan is standing. "Logie?"
"I found the Christmas stuff," Logan says, the unexpected sound of his voice making Carlos jump. "Look." He takes hold of a box and lifts it up, stepping to the side and into an open space in the cramped room.
Carlos crowds in close to his friend and finally sees what has him so entranced. "Oh," he says quietly.
On the very top of the box is a picture. A picture of Logan and both his parents. He's so small that Carlos can tell right away that it's his first Christmas. He's never seen a baby picture of his best friend, he realizes. Not until now.
Tall, blond haired and blue eyed, Ryan Mitchell is the odd one out in the picture. Carlos has never seen him so genuinely happy before. His wife, Rebekah is petite, dark haired, dark eyed. Both of them are smiling widely. In the middle, held up by both of them is Logan, a miniature replica of his mother, except for his smile. Carlos has never realized it until now, but Logan has his dad's smile. He's heard that a picture speaks a thousand words, but this one alone speaks more than that. Maybe over a million.
It's a glimpse into his friend's life when it was a good one. When he had both parents, alive and well and full of love. When they were complete and Logan had everything that he deserved. Sure it was long before he met Kendall, James, and Carlos, but looking at this picture, Carlos can see that Logan wasn't in need of anything else. The hardest part isn't that Logan doesn't have any of this now. The hardest part is that Logan doesn't clearly remember having any of it.
"I've never seen this picture before," Logan says so softly that Carlos can barely hear him. "At least. . . I don't think I've ever seen it before. Maybe I have and I just forgot. I mean, it's on the top of this box so it's not like it was buried or lost or anything like that."
Carlos listens to Logan's little ramble and then touches him gently on the shoulder. "Are you okay?" he asks after a brief moment of silence.
Logan flashes him a quick, but genuine smile. "Yeah," he says simply. "Sorry about that, Carlos, I was just thinking. I'm okay though." He tucks the framed photo carefully under one arm and stands up. "I guess we can start with this box, right? It looks like there are some good things in here." He digs through the contents of the box, looking highly interested. "Wow, I haven't seen some of these things in so long that I forgot we even had them!"
It's ironic that Logan is perfectly fine while Carlos just wants to cry over his friend's miserable and cheerless Christmases. None of this is right at all. But for Logan's sake, he smiles too and watches as he continues to look through the box. "Let's get everything down before we take everything out," he suggests when Logan seems to get lost in thought once again.
"Oh, right!" Logan blushes a little and carefully replaces the items, being extra cautious with his precious family picture. "Do you want to take this down and I'll look for another?"
"Sounds good to me," Carlos agrees readily. He accepts the box from Logan, making sure to hold it tightly so that nothing will be harmed. Then he walks slowly down the attic stairs and places it in the hallway before returning to Logan.
The boys repeat the process several times with Logan handing Carlos boxes of Christmas things and Carlos walking them down the stairs and piling them carefully in the hall. In only a short while, Logan has found every Christmas box in the attic and they're all ready to start decorating.
"So," Logan kneels on the floor in front of a box and pulls out a string of lights, before glancing up at the other teen. "Where do we start?"
"Well, it's late and dark out so we'll do those tomorrow." Carlos decides. "Let's work on the inside today." He opens another box and finds only Christmas tree decorations. "We'll have to get a tree too," he says almost to himself.
After a little while, Logan simply sits back and watches as Carlos opens each box and inspects all of the contents. His mind is still spinning with the day's most recent developments. Not only is he not alone, but he's also getting ready for Christmas, something he hasn't done in years. His mood has been lifted in a surprisingly short amount of time.
Pulling out the picture of his family again, Logan looks at it while Carlos continues to empty the boxes and talk to himself. He tries to remember what it was like to have both parents. If he concentrates really hard, he can remember the sound of her laugh and the way her arms felt around him. He can remember his dad making up bedtime stories and using funny voices for all the characters. He can remember her singing to him after the stories until he fell asleep. He remembers more than anyone would think, but he's too afraid to share his memories in case speaking them out loud might make some of the details fade.
"Carlos," he says quietly, interrupting Carlos' monologue about the garland. "Where should we put this?"
Carlos carefully takes the picture frame into his own hands and looks at it. "Somewhere very special," he tells Logan as he rises to his feet. "Grab that strand of garland and follow me. I think I have the perfect spot."
Logan follows him into the family room and watches as Carlos first drapes the garland over the mantle of the fireplace and then places the picture in the very center. "There," he says in satisfaction, stepping backwards to inspect his work. "What do you think?"
Logan doesn't have to answer him. His shinning face is enough. "It's perfect," he whispers like he's afraid to break the spell that has settled over the house. "Thanks, Carlos." He stares at it for a while and then shakes his head. "What next?"
For the next hour and a half, Carlos and Logan unpack the boxes and spread the decorations all throughout the house. Carlos assumes the unfamiliar post as leader and Logan does exactly as he's told, looking more and more excited as the house finally starts to look ready for Christmas. At some point, Carlos turns the radio on to the local station and they listen to Christmas music. Sometimes they talk, sometimes they sing along with the radio and other times they work in a companionable silence.
It's after 11:00 at night when they're just about finished until tomorrow. They shove everything out of the way and then get ready for bed before going downstairs to the basement. Carlos makes sure the bring a couple of old Christmas movies on VHS downstairs and soon they're watching Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Carlos quoting it nearly word for word while Logan tries to remember what happens.
"Carlos," he says, his eyes on the screen. "What is Christmas Day like at your house?"
Lowering the volume, Carlos turns to face his friend. "Well," he says slowly. "My parents don't let us get up until 7:00. Sometimes my littler sisters all get up earlier than that so they come in my room and we watch Christmas DVDs on my laptop until it's time to go down. Then we downstairs and my mom takes a picture of all of us with our stockings and then we open presents. We don't just tear them all open though. Every time we get a gift, we have to give one. And we have to watch everyone open their presents too. When all the presents are unwrapped, we eat breakfast and then we just stay all together at home."
Chewing thoughtfully on his bottom lip, Logan asks the question that's been nagging at him for a while now. "What do you think my dad will think about everything we did today? About everything we're going to do?"
Carlos thinks carefully about Logan's question. "I don't know," he says honestly. "It would be awesome if he really liked it. Just like you."
To Logan's embarrassment, tears filled his eyes. He ducked his head away from Carlos and spoke into his pillow. "I really want him to like it, Carlos. I want it to make him happy. But you know what? All the decorations and the music and everything we still have to do. . . that's not what makes me happy. Having you hear with me has made me happy. And I'm just afraid that I can't be what you are for me to my dad. Does that make sense?"
"Logie," Carlos says softly, scooting closer to his friend and touching him on the shoulder. "I bet you do make your dad happy. He's not alone with you."
"Sometimes it feels like I'm all alone even when we're together," Logan admits. "I mean, I'm really glad I have him, Carlos, don't get me wrong. Some kids don't have any parents at all and some kids have parents who abuse them."
Carlos stiffens slightly and before he can stop himself, the word are out of his mouth. "Logie,you dad has never hurt you like that, has he?"
Logan shakes his head quickly. "No, Carlos." he says right away. "I think my dad still loves me. It's just that. . . I don't think he can really love me that much if he doesn't take care of himself."
In the background, Rudolph and his friends are being escorted into the castle on the Island of Misfit Toys, but Carlos ignores it. "What do you mean?" he whispers.
"Carlos, I have a really serious question for you." Logan says, looking back up at his friend. "If someone hates who they are or doesn't think that they deserve to be cared about, do you think that they can really love other people?"
Carlos doesn't have to think at all to answer that one. "No," he says right away, but gently because he knows it will probably hurt Logan. "Not as much as they deserve anyway. Logie, that's why I think your dad is the way he is. Because he misses your mom so much that he let himself get lost in his sadness for her. Maybe he wonders what he did to deserve losing her and maybe he thinks that it's his fault in a way. I think that he even questions what he did to deserve you as a son too. Not in a bad way. I just think that he might think you're too good of a person to be his son. And honestly, you are, Logan."
"My dad is a good person," Logan says unconvincingly. "He's just. . . broken."
"Yeah," agrees Carlos. "He is broken. He's so broken that he can't see the good things anymore."
"I want to help him see the good things," Logan sighs. "I want to fix him. Do you think that's impossible, Carlos?"
Yes. Carlos does think it's impossible. He's too young to clearly remember Ryan Mitchell before he became the empty shell of a man he is now. But he has heard his parents talk about him before. Like how he was always laughing and always joking and always. . . always happy. They talk about things that Carlos can't even imagine.
Carlos can't see any of that in Logan's dad now. All he sees is a man living half a life and even fading away from that. And he honestly can't see how they can fix him now. But he'll never in a million years, tell Logan that. Besides, he'll always believe in the magic of Christmas. It's a time for miracles. "Nothing's impossible, Logie."
"Maybe when he comes home," Logan says thoughtfully. "These decorations will cheer him up and he'll start to come back to me. Maybe we'll have a real Christmas this year."
Carlos pretends to be fascinated with a loose strand in his sleeping bag so Logan doesn't see the doubt in his face. "Maybe." he says, forcing cheerfulness in his voice.
"I guess we'll find out," Logan says. "We'll make it impossible for him to ignore or forget. We'll make everything so beautiful and happy that he just has to come back and I'll have a family again."
"Logan," Carlos' throat is aching with the tears that are threatening. "You know that no matter what happens, you'll always have us, right?"
"Of course I do, Carlitos." Logan says with a genuine smile. "I'll be okay no matter what happens. But at the same time, I can't help hoping that things might finally change this year. Change for the better, you know?"
Carlos nods wordlessly and looks up at the TV where the misfit toys are singing now. Logan is perfectly content now, but Carlos finds it impossible to pay attention to the innocent Christmas movie. Right now, he's thinking that maybe he made the wrong choice in bringing Christmas back to Logan's house.
Logan is overjoyed right now, but what happens if his dad comes back and is untouched by his son's attempt? When you're flying high, where do you go but down? Carlos is afraid that in trying to make Logan happier, he's only set his best friend up for even further disappointment.
Christmas has always been his favorite time of year, but it wasn't until a few years ago that Carlos changed some of his views on the holiday. It's no longer about getting, but about giving. It's not about material things, but about faith, love, joy, and peace. His Christmas list went from having Power Rangers on it to having things like, Logan getting his teeny tiny family back and to have everyone love each other. Why couldn't people see that love made everything easier? Love was all anyone ever needed.
Deep down inside he knew why. It was because it was a broken world that he and his friends and family lived in. There wasn't enough of giving love and there wasn't enough of receiving love either. People were so wrapped up in themselves that they forgot about everyone else around them. And Carlos knew that all the Christmas songs and decorations couldn't do a thing to change that.
The problem with people and Christmas was that everyone looking for the magic of Christmas in the material things, like lights and presents and cards and music. When really all they needed to do was realize that the true magic of Christmas could not be bought or seen or touched or heard. It was still there though. It was there for everyone and it was free. It was love.
Carlos glances back over at Logan to see that he's fast asleep with a small smile on his face. He switches off the TV and lays down too, staring into the darkness of the room. No matter what, he tells himself, Logan is going to have the best Christmas ever. And it be because he won't be alone this year or any year from now on. Carlos isn't going to let that happen. He's not going to lose Logan like Logan lost his dad.
As soon as James and Kendall come back, Carlos plans to tell them about his plan. They've let this go on for far too long and they're fortunate they still have Logan with them. They're fortunate that he's a completely different person than his dad. He's the strongest person any of them will ever know. He has a courage that his dad will never know and they're going to help him stay that way. As long as they don't leave him alone, Carlos is confident that Logan is going to be okay.
"Carlos?" Logan has woken up, but he still sounds dreamy and half asleep.
"Yeah, buddy?' Carlos props himself up on one elbow and looks in the direction of Logan's voice. "What's up?"
Logan yawns and then pulls his blanket closer around him. "I just wanted to say thanks one more time. Not just for tonight though. For everything. For always being there for me. You and Kendall and James and all of your families. Sometimes I forget that I really do have a family. A huge one."
Carlos is momentarily stunned into silence. Even while he was asleep for that brief amount of time, Logan seems to have read his mind. "You'll always have a family, Logie." he says softly. "You'll always have us, I promise. We won't ever leave you."
"I know that," Logan sniffs and Carlos hears the blanket rustle a little as he moves to wipe his tears away. "Carlos, I want this Christmas to bring my dad back to me but even if it doesn't. . . I know I'll be okay. Sometimes I miss my mom and I miss my dad and I miss the way things were before, but you know what?"
"What?" Carlos' voice cracks slightly.
"When I remember that I have all of you, it all goes away. All the pain and sadness. I know you always say that I'm really strong and brave and everything but I wouldn't be able to do it without you guys. You're really amazing people yourselves. So thanks, Carlos."
He just wishes that he could help more, because it feels like he could never do enough. "Any time, bro." Carlos whispers into the darkness.
A/N. Thanks to FishStickFriday for pointing out a mistake in the previous chapter. For clarification, the boys are fifteen in this story. Sorry about that, guys. I'm hoping to update this story soon as while as post another one-shot, but I have finals this week and next week, so I'll be pretty busy. In the meantime, I love you all and I hope you have a wonderful week.
Oh, and if you could all keep the family I mentioned above in your prayers, it would mean so much to me. So much has happened to them and they don't deserve any of it. It's breaking my heart because I know I can't do anything to help them. It's been even harder lately because it's so close to Christmas. SP please, keep them in your prayers.