Cathartic Carvings
By: Illusion of the Mirror
He tried his left side. He tried his right. He covered every source of light in the room, lest it distract him from slumber. He flipped the sheets off his bed and even laid sideways in an attempt to get comfortable enough to fall back asleep. Cloud had been roused by a dream…a dream which now made it impossible to find respite.
Soldier…meteor…and the Ancient that he would never be able to put to rest. No matter how many times he swore he could forgive himself for failing, no matter how many times he promised the others that he could be there for them, he would always fall back into this; this melancholy. Always.
Why does it have to be this way? Why do I have to be this way? I can't forget these emotions or my inadequacies. I never will be able to…and it's killing me. I'm dying a little bit more every day.
The silence of the early morning darkness was rudely interrupted by the air-conditioning whirring to life. The cool air that poured from the vent above his bed brought the scent of all things familiar. It was of the life that he lived day after day; the life that ever drowned him in memories. He could never escape here, not with these faces that represented the past and constantly reminded him of it.
Every smile, every phone call, every empty shot glass; they're all so harmless on the surface. But this life, these faces, they're what's keeping me this way. I can never move on…not unless I-
No. I can't. I can't think this way.
Pushing himself up from the bed, Cloud placed his bare feet on the cold wooden floor. He glanced abashedly to the still-made twin bed across the room. I can't go on this way. I can't live a lie and I can't be someone I'm not. And I'm not someone worthy of this family.
Cloud crossed the room and ran his fingers along the hand-made quilt adorning Tifa's bed. He thought of her falling sleeping on the couch in the extra room, watching over the two children who practically begged her to sing them to sleep. Silently, he traversed the small steps to the hallway and cracked the door to the room adjacent to his own.
Soft snores drifted from Denzel's bed in the corner, but he immediately noticed that the couch, though sufficiently mussed, was unoccupied. Stepping into the space and closing the door halfway behind him, he crossed the room to Marlene's bed to find the scene he so often found in the morning. The young girl clung tightly to Tifa as their chests rose and fell in near unison. The sleep-saturated smiles on their faces told of sweet dreams and the hole in Cloud's heart widened exponentially.
These beds hold a family; a family that doesn't deserve someone like me. They deserve someone who wants to be here with them, not only when they're asleep, but also when they're awake. The children deserve a role model that can be with them body, mind, and spirit. And Tifa…
Tifa deserves someone who not only sees her for the beautiful young woman that she is, but also puts her first. Someone that isn't broken beyond repair. Someone that isn't like…me.
Cloud ran a hand gently down Tifa's exposed cheek. She hummed softly in her sleep and a rueful smile broke his lips. He knew what had to be done.
It wasn't until later that morning that Tifa found the note and discovered Fenrir missing from the garage out back. She did not shed a tear.
-- O --
Large, cold raindrops fell to the earth in a silver barrage, their bodies splashing into puddles of their brethren on the pavement below. The silky sheen of the water blotted out the sky, the trees, and the river that curved along with the earth. Nary an animal braved the downpour; foxes cuddled inside their dens and birds hid safely in their nests. But this was no torrent. The peaceful beating of the drops on the earth was, if anything, melodic.
Beyond the rainfall, another sound wormed out. The roar of a motor bike faded in and out through the trees as it wound with the road beneath its wheels. Protruding leaves from low-lying brush trembled as the vehicle sped past but settled quickly back into their former state of respite.
Eyes forward and watching the asphalt through the fog of rain, Cloud raced forward with no destination in mind. He dared the road to take him. Just dared it. The drops made hollow tup tup sounds on the leather of his jacket. A million gray needles stabbed his face and bare wrists. Thoughts of a smiling Flower girl poked at his mind. He sped up to silence them.
Lean left. Lean right. The increasing speed brought more pain, but it was good. He needed the speed. He needed the pain. He needed to ride; to run.
"You need to stop running, Cloud." He sped up again. He would've glanced at the speedometer. He would've. But he needed to see the road. He needed to feel it. To be it. No…that doesn't make sense…he needed to use it. That's right, he needed to concentrate on it and nothing else.
Denzel…he'll miss me. Marlene might too. But they're better now. Or they will be.
He revved the gas again. No, concentrate. Concentrate!
Rain was working its way down his jacket collar and into his boots. It didn't matter. He wasn't sure how he'd left the main road. That didn't matter either. He was here. He was fast. He was alone, and that's how it should be. He wasn't sure when he'd started screaming into the wind, but he stopped. His throat hurt. His face hurt. His wrists hurt. Glorious pain that took the memories away.
He closed his eyes. He felt the sharp bullets of water on his face. Yeah. He revved the engine again. Fenrir rumbled beneath him. Yeah. He bit his lip. He gripped the handle bars tighter. Yeah.
Sand in the road makes for a biker's nightmare, but for Cloud, it was more like a fantastic dream. He'd dared the road…now it was coming through. Fenrir slid, laid the bike down, and spun with it into a road sign.
It hurts. Cloud opened his eyes to stare straight up into the gray heavens. I hurt. Barely able to see, he noted the irony of the road sign that cut into his right leg; road slippery when wet. It hurts. He closed his eyes. But I deserve this.
-- O --
The violins that fiddled in the petite red-head's ears drove her onward through the early morning mist. The wheels of her new green bike spun flawlessly as she hummed her way down her normal route. Dew dripped from the leaves over-head and splashed on her bare arms and knees.
It was a good thing she remembered her mp3 player this time. It gave her a defined pace. Maybe this time she wouldn't be late for work at the shop. Glancing up, she took a moment to survey the world around her. The forest was wet with rain, but she knew the birds were out and about, even if their songs were masked by the classical music from her ear buds.
But what was that? Slowly arriving at a stop, the girl halted to survey a trail of scratches that scarred the road. Glass? Dismounting, she wheeled forward and followed the trail with her eyes until they settled on a mass on the shoulder. A bear? No, too big. She plucked the mini symphony from her ears. The mist clouded her view, but as she squinted through the early sun's reflected light, she realized what was before her.
Oh Lord! Letting her bike crash to the pavement, the petite young woman raced forward. It was a wreck! Someone might be hurt! Oh no… oh no…oh no…oh no…
She could see the massive motor-bike. She could smell the oil. And the closer she got, she could make out blood; lots of it. Her gag reflex threatened to present her with a gift, but she choked it back down and rounded the front of the wreck.
A man. There was a man! She knelt to inspect him. Please don't be dead! She laid a hand lightly on the pulse point in his neck. Alive! He's alive!
"Sir," she said even though she was pretty sure he couldn't hear her. "Hang in there, I'll get some help." The girl reached into her pocket and produced a small green cell phone. Punching a speed dial number, she glanced down at the man. His breathing was labored. He needed help fast!
"Hello?"
"Mom! It's Emily! I need you to come quick!"
"Gracious," a voice on the other line gasped. "You sound like you were in a wreck!"
"No…I wasn't…but someone else was. Mom, I need you to bring your first aid kit and get here as fast as you can. I'm on my river route."
"We'll be there in two shakes of a lamb's tail, Sweety."
"Oh, and Mom? Bring the van, not the car."
"Mercy…"
Clicking the phone shut, Emily knelt down next to the man once again. She ran her hand through his blonde, dirt and blood-stained hair. "Don't worry, mister. You're going to make it." She peered down at the road sign that was wrapped around the motor-bike. "Just hang on."
-- O --
Waking up was something that Cloud instantly regretted. The pain that seared through his every limb was mind-numbing. He groaned but the sound came out as more of a gasp. A figure rose and moved into his peripheral.
"Sir? Are you awake?"
His tongue was swollen, but he was able to form words with minimal effort…although the pain was anything but minimal. "Is this hell? 'Cause it hurts like hell."
The figure giggled and lightly placed a hand on his forehead. "No, it's not."
Putting all his effort into focusing his eyes, Cloud turned his head as much as his body would allow. As his vision cleared, he was sure that the young woman that stood before him was Aeris. "Is…is this heaven?"
The girl brushed his hair away from his face. "No, I'm afraid that's not where you are either."
Slowly, her face came into focus. No, it wasn't Aeris, but she looked very much like her. Her hair was redder and shorter…and her eyes were darker green. She smiled kindly at him, exhaustion evident on her face.
"You gave us quite the scare. We thought you were a goner."
Cloud tried to quiet the pain ringing in his head. "We?"
"My family and I. I found you beside the road. You lost a lot of blood…" She trailed off and surveyed his bandaged form. "I'm so glad you're alive."
Cloud stared into the girls eyes. She looked so…so kind. His gaze faltered and he averted his eyes. "Why? You don't know me."
The girl raised an eyebrow briefly. "What's your name?"
"Cloud," he mumbled.
"Well, Cloud, now I know you."
Cloud looked back up at the girl's smiling eyes. She continued to stroke his hair from his face. "But…"
"I'm Emily," the girl said matter-of-factly. "Emily Bordeaux. I'm pleased to meet your acquaintance Mr. Cloud."
"Strife."
"Pardon?"
"It's Strife. Cloud Strife."
Emily's smile split her entire face and Cloud could swear she was glowing. "Cloud Strife. It fits you."
The thing about smiles is that sometimes they're contagious. This was one such smile, and Cloud found himself bearing the pain that it caused his face.
"Oh!" Emily exclaimed as she spun around and reached for something on the end table behind her. "Here, my mother said to give this to you if you woke up." She produced a large glass of ice water and three small, brown pills. Cloud just stared at the medicine.
She held her hand out farther. "They'll help with the pain. And you lost a lot of blood, so you'll need the water to rehydrate."
Hesitantly, Cloud reached out and took the objects from her, wincing in pain. He took a sip and dropped the pills into his mouth. They drug along the back of his tongue leaving a gritty residue. He took another sip and then glanced down into the glass.
"The ice isn't melted. How long were you waiting?"
Emily smiled and pulled at the hem of her brown blouse. "Well, I've been here all day…I just kept refilling it so it'd be cold when you woke up."
Cloud looked up from the glass with astonishment. He was about to reply when a short, blonde woman in white burst through the door. "Oh my, Emmy, you should have told me he was awake!"
"Sorry, Mom. I was just-"
Mrs. Bordeaux immediately addressed Cloud. "Good, you've taken the pills. They should help numb the pain a bit. We bandaged you up, but I knew you would be in a fair amount of pain since you took such a beating. How are you feeling?"
The whirlwind of speech caught Cloud of guard. "Um…like I was in a wreck."
The woman slapped her forehead. "Oh, yes of course, what was I thinking?"
Emily stepped forward and placed a hand on her mother's shoulder. "Mom's a retired nurse, so she patched you right up."
"Yes," the older woman chimed in. "But it will still take a while for you to fully heal, I'm afraid."
Cloud strained to push himself upright. Once in the sitting position, he looked down at his bandaged legs. "I don't know how to thank you."
She smiled. "You just did." Looking down at her watch, Mrs. Bordeaux gasped. "My goodness, is it that late already? Well, I'll be. Emily, dear, would you go get some dinner for our guest?"
Emily nodded, and with a smile in Cloud's direction, she left the room.
"By the way, dear," the remaining woman said. "My name is Lissette Bordeaux. My husband James and I rushed right out when Emily called us."
Cloud merely picked at a bandage on his arm. Lissette, sensing his discomfort, took a step back. "Not only was your skin scarred up from the road, but your legs are badly bruised and the one has a deep cut from that road sign that was wrapped around your motorcycle." She paused and raised an eyebrow. "How that happened is still a mystery to us."
"I…hit a patch of sand and laid the bike down."
"Oh dear. That explains the condition of the motor-bike."
Cloud instantly looked up. "Condition?"
"Let's just say you should get a decent price for the scrap metal." A tall man with dark, graying hair and a strong jaw-line entered the room and joined Lissette at the bedside. "I see you're awake. Good, Emily hasn't left your side all day."
Lissette turned to the man. "This is my husband, James."
"Pleasure to meet you," the tall man replied. "And your name is?"
"His name's Cloud, Daddy. Cloud Strife." Emily reentered the room carrying a tray holding a bowl of steaming soup. The smell was heavenly, and Cloud realized he was hungry; very hungry.
A blonde girl about ten or eleven years old came through the door behind Emily. "Cloud," she said. "That's a funny name."
"Luna!" Lissette chastised. "Don't be rude!"
Cloud smiled. "It's alright. It is kind of funny."
Luna pushed past her parents and leaned on the bedside. "You sure are lucky Emily found you. If she hadn't you'd be…" Luna leaned her head to the side, crossed her eyes and stuck out her tongue. Lissette flicked her ear. "Ow!"
Cloud glanced at Emily, who still held the tray of evermore tantalizing cuisine. "Yeah…I guess I am."
"So where are you from?"
"Okay, Luna. That's enough," James interrupted. "The man only just woke up. He's probably hungry."
Luna frowned. "Oh…alright. Bye, Cloud Strife." She waved as her mother ushered her from the room. Cloud half-smiled at the use of his full name.
Emily stepped forward and set the tray gently down on Cloud's lap. "It's only chicken dumpling soup, but I thought you might like it. Mother always makes it just right."
"Thank you," Cloud said softly. "I don't know why I'm so hungry…how long was I out?"
James gripped Emily's shoulder. "Around 48 hours, so we'll leave you to your dinner. If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask. There's a baby monitor on the mantle there." Cloud nodded in answer.
As the two of them turned to go, James paused and looked over his shoulder. "You're welcome to stay until you're healed. We have plenty of room."
Cloud nodded again and Emily and her father left him alone. It was kind of them, but he had no intention of staying. He'd leave as soon as he was able.
-- O --
Nobody expected it would take so long for Cloud's injuries to heal, but his condition only seemed to get worse. The places where the gravel from the road cut into his flesh oozed blood and puss every time Emily or her mother came in to change his bandages. Despite their efforts, the wounds became infected and Cloud struggled to simply sit up in bed.
But despite the fact that Cloud felt like he was intruding on this kind family's life, he never once felt resented or unwanted. On the contrary, they treated him almost as if he was an honored guest, something that Cloud couldn't understand. They didn't know him. They didn't even ask about him. And yet…they cared. It perplexed him to no end.
It took a few weeks before Cloud's condition took a turn for the better and he could begin doing mundane care-taking by himself. However, that wasn't the end of daily visits from the Bordeauxs. Lissette would come in every morning and every night to inspect his bodily state and bring him home cooked meals. At first, his pain outweighed his hunger and his meals were left relatively untouched, but as he healed, Cloud discovered that Lissette Bordeaux was a superb chef.
Luna would come in daily too. She seemed to instantly take a liking to Cloud and told him that she, "had always wanted an older brother!" She even commented that she thought it was "cool" that every day he could pick more gravel out of his skin. Cloud didn't think that was so cool.
Sometimes, she would read to him, and sometimes she would prattle on about her day until one of her parents chased her from the room. Cloud didn't mind her antics, but he humored her parents.
One day, Luna even brought some of her little friends in to show off "the motorcycle man" almost like a proud curator at a museum. The two younger boys that came into the room behind her looked about in wonder from his many bandages to his spiky blonde hair and un-shaven face.
"Wow, mister," the taller, lanky boy said with his wide eyes peering through his huge glasses. "You look awful."
Cloud suppressed a laugh. Of course he did. He knew that, but to hear this child with messy, light brown hair, dirt and grass stained clothes, and that was missing his two front teeth say so, it was kind of…funny.
"Cloud Strife, these are my friends Mason and Benji," Luna stated a little too loudly.
Benji, a short and pudgy boy with freckles bridging his nose, blinked his saucer-blue eyes. But as the other two jabbered on about this and that, Benji just looked down and clutched something to his chest protectively. Curious, Cloud asked, "What have you got there?"
The other two went silent and Benji stared wide-eyed at Cloud. He slowly held out his hands to reveal a threadbare stuffed cow that sported a mask and cape made out of scrap quilting material.
"Wow," Cloud said with a smile and a nod. "That's pretty cool. I like the flower print. What's his name?"
Benji beamed. "My mommy made him! This is Super Cow!"
After the children were called out of the room by an apologetic Lissette, Cloud mused at how he had become an exhibit for small children. He couldn't help but laugh…until he recalled the two children he had left behind. Denzel…I'm sorry.
-- O --
As Cloud slowly regained his strength and was able to move about with relative ease, he started being incorporated into activities around the house. Whether he was washing dishes with Lissette or Emily, playing gin rummy with Luna and her little friends, or sitting at a place of honor at the family dinner table, the family seemed to count Cloud as one of their own, rather than the intruder that he was.
James was the most hesitant to trust Cloud, but as time wore on, he warmed up to him. James even invited his kid brother over to have a look at Cloud's bike, claiming that even though Cloud said he didn't have to, he wanted to. "A bike so beautiful shouldn't be left as scrap metal."
But the member of the family that Cloud found himself growing fonder of each day was Emily. He looked forward to their daily conversations about life and people, even though she did most of the talking and he the listening.
When she finally did ask him about his family one day, he found himself willing to give her an answer. And as he told her fondly of Denzel, Marlene, and Tifa, Emily's smile grew wider. "They sound like wonderful people."
"Yeah," Cloud sighed. "That's why I had to leave."
Emily cocked her head to one side. "Had to?"
Cloud shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "I didn't deserve that life." He paused and picked at his still-bandaged arm. "Much like I don't deserve this one."
Emily was silent a moment, and then pulled her wooden kitchen chair forward. She looked into Cloud's eyes, but didn't show a single sign of exasperation. "You're right, you don't."
Cloud frowned and opened his mouth to reply, but Emily held up a finger. "I don't either. None of us do. If you concentrate on all the horrible things all of us have done, then no one deserves any blessings."
She studied Cloud as he seemed to let her words sink in. "Life is hard, Cloud. You know that, I'm sure of it. I don't know your past, but you wear it in your eyes. Life is hard for all of us. So when you receive a blessing, don't turn it away because you "don't deserve it," receive it with thanksgiving."
Emily smiled softly and placed her hand over his. "And if you still feel like it's too much, pay it forward. Take the love that someone's shown you that you didn't deserve, and give it out to someone else." She chuckled at this. "Trust me I've been where you are. But I realized that even though it sometimes feels wrong, it's okay to let other people treat you well."
Cloud looked down at her small hand covering his. "You're really something, Emily." He looked back up into her deep green eyes.
She glanced down but then smiled back up at him. "So are you." She stood and pulled Cloud to his feet as well. "I have something I want to show you. Would you come with me to the shop tomorrow afternoon?"
Cloud nodded. "Sure. I'd like that."
-- O --
Cloud leaned on the counter as he waited for Emily to finish with a customer. When she had told him they would be going to "the shop," he hadn't expected it to be a homemade candle store. He surveyed the shelved walls that held rows and rows of colorful, intricately carved candles. The Bordeaux's owned this place. They sure were fascinating people.
Again, he averted his wandering eyes to watch Emily. She was helping an older couple pick out the correct scent and color to match their dining room. When she was finished making the sale, she walked them to the door and waved them off.
She joined Cloud over at the counter. "The Geist's are such a nice couple. You can tell they love each other so much even after thirty-five years of marriage." Cloud smiled up at her through his bangs. She returned the smile. "Come with me."
Emily led Cloud into the dimly lit back room and sat down at a wooden table. She patted the chair next to her. "Have a seat." Cloud did.
She then reached across the table and pulled two relatively large cylinder candles out of a box. One was green and one was red. She passed the red one to Cloud. He took it from her, turned it over in his hands, and then looked up at her questioningly.
"We're going to carve them," Emily said brightly.
She set her own candle down on the surface before her and passed Cloud a small carving tool. He looked down at the wooden tool, and then met her eyes with an expression that said, "You're joking, right?"
Emily merely giggled and set to work on her own; small wax shavings beginning to accumulate below her working fingers. Cloud glanced down at the two objects in his hands then slowly began to chip away at the red paraffin. He toiled distractedly; his eyes flitting up to watch the amazing young woman that sat next to him concentrate.
It was dark outside the window of the back room when Emily sat back in her chair. She gave Cloud a bright smile and glanced down at the product of his labor. "Oh," she crooned. "That's lovely."
Cloud raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms."If it's so great, what is it?"
Emily looked up at him like a deer in the headlights. "Well…uh," she stammered. "It's an animal."
"Yeah. What kind of animal?"
"A lion?"
"Close," Cloud replied with sigh. "It's actually a dragon."
"Oh," Emily gasped. "I see it now. There's it' head and those are…"
Cloud grinned mischievously at her attempts to make out his awful carving. "I'm kidding. You were right the first time."
Emily looked back up him and then lightly punched him in the shoulder of his un-injured arm. "Jerk."
"Let's see yours."
"Oh," Emily said quietly. "It's nothing special."
She passed him the green candle that now was covered in expertly planned etchings. Cloud spun the piece in his hands. It was a perfect depiction of a graveyard. The clouds above loomed ominously and he could almost feel the wind that bent the leaves on the tree in the scene. He could even pick out flowers on one of the graves.
"Wow…this is good."
Emily sighed. "Thank you."
Cloud passed the candle back to her. "What made you carve a graveyard? I mean…it's kind of…sad."
Emily's smile was almost rueful. "A long time ago, I lost someone that I cared very much about. He was special to me in ways that no one ever was before. When he died, it left such a hole in my life." She placed her fingers gently on the grave with carved flowers. "Even now I wonder if there was something I could have done to save him; something that I missed."
Cloud was silent. That sounds familiar.
"Sometimes I feel so lonely and guilt weighs me down." She picked the candle up of the table and looked Cloud in the eye. "When I start to feel those emotions creeping up on me, I carve them." She sensed Cloud's confusion and explained.
"When I carve, I take the bad emotions and memories and concentrate them into my work; setting the energy to good use. Then…I burn them."
"Burn them? After all that work?"
Emily smiled. "All those negative feelings are tested by the fire and give birth to a beautiful scent. It's like a cleansing; like forgiveness." She looked down at her hands. "It may sound strange, but it helps me."
A prolonged silence followed. It wasn't an awkward one, but more of an understanding. Cloud studied Emily's downcast face. She really was a mystery.
-- O --
A chorus of crickets sang into the inky night as the stars shone through the cracks in the smoky clouds overhead. Everyone inside the Bordeaux's brick house was asleep, dreams taking the place of daily worries and plans. Two candles burned on the windowsill of the wide, bay window in front; one adorned with a poorly carved lion, the other an intricate graveyard.
-- O --
This chapter took a lot of time and effort and I can honestly say that I'm exhausted. This piece of the story is different than what I'd originally planned, but I feel that it's even better than I had hoped for. I hope that you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed weaving it. It's the longest chapter I'm going to have, but I feel that it's worth the time it will take to read.
Many thanks to Kimmit the Ferg for all her advice and help with the details. I'd be lost without you. And a special thanks to all who reviewed, favorited, and added me to their alerts list. I'm so flattered that you find this story so worthy of praise.
Finally, thank you to all my readers. I know that I haven't been dutiful in my updates, but I offer no apologies, just my gratitude. I cherish you all!
I also cherish your opinions. Please don't hesitate to leave a review on your way out or shoot me an e-mail if you have any questions, or just want to talk. Now that I've finished this portion of the story, I think I can have the next chapter up within the next two weeks. That's my goal, anyway.
So thank you again for reading. I'll be seeing you again soon.
Fight the power.
-- Illusion of the Mirror –
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