Title: The Flaw in the Design
Author: Naughty_grrrrl
Artist: Asmadaima
Fandom: Supernatural
Genre: Romance, semi-AU
Characters/Pairing: Dean/Sam(antha), John
Rating: NC-17
Wordcount: 15,195
Spoilers: Set pre-series.
Kinks/Warnings: Explicit M/M sex, AU, underage wincest (beginning with Samantha at age 14, but without actual penetration until age 16), feminization, transexual!Sam, transgender issues, body modification, bottom!Samantha, crossdressing, first-time, schmoop, domestic!fic, angst.
Summary: Samantha's journey into who she wants to be, both inside and out, and how it changes the Winchester family irrevocably. Part of the Good-Girls!Verse, the sequel/prequel "Good Girls Do…" is set in the middle of Part 4 of this story.
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural, nor the characters portrayed in this story and I make no profit from these writings.
Author's Note: This was written for the first ever Spn_Kinky_Bang and I am very proud to present to you all. I am unfamiliar with transgender issues and the process of changing genders, i.e. hormone therapy, surgery and their effects on a male body, so I have done as much research as I could and deduced the rest. So don't take this as gospel truth. ;p
I'd like to thank Emeraldheiress for beta services without which this story would have been riddled with misspellings and grammar errors. Also, thank you to Asmadaima for the wonderful art for the story. The way Asmadaima drew Samantha is just perfection, so wonderfully vulnerable, just the way I saw her in my mind! If you would like to see the art Asmadaimacreated, go to the addresses below.
http :/pics .livejournal. com/ naughty_grrrrl /pic/ 000010dh
http :/pics .livejournal. com/ naughty_grrrrl /pic/ 00006t8q
http :/pics .livejournal. com/ naughty_grrrrl /pic/ 00007kkx
It started when Sam was a little boy; he always felt… different. At first he couldn't say why. It was just this deep feeling like he wasn't the way he should be, the way he thought of himself in his mind. He never wanted to do the things other little boys did. Things like playing with their Tonka trucks and army men, getting messy in the dirt while building forts and thinking up ways to win the playground war. For Sam, being one of the boys had never fit the mold he had for his own life, at least not the one he envisioned in his mind.
One day, when Sam was eight and feeling especially uncomfortable on the playground with the other kids, Dean made a joke about Sammy being a girl. He'd laughed and said they should call him Samantha from now on, because he might as well be a girl. All the other kids laughed and went on playing, but for Sam, as soon as the words were spoken, he knew it was true. It was as if a spotlight had been shined into the confused darkness of his mind and Sam instantly understood after so long why he felt wrong. He was a girl, even if his body said otherwise.
Once that revelation came, Samantha was like a new person. Same thoughts, same body, but from then on she saw the world from the viewpoint of a girl. No matter what the rest of the world chose to see her as, she knew the truth and that was all that mattered.
For years Samantha only admitted this revelation to herself, worried about what her father and brother… especially her brother… would think about it all. In her mind she referred to herself as a girl; she considered herself a girl who just happened to have some extra parts on her body.
As she got older, Samantha got creative with how she presented herself to the world. She still wore jeans and t-shirts like every other boy, but underneath she let her inner girl flourish. Whenever she was able to, pocketing change and forgotten money from her family, she would find moments to go and buy frilly little girl panties and bras. Shades of pink and purple, yellow and red; girly underwear with cute little bows and hearts and anything else that caught her fancy.
However, she had always known that one day her brother and father would find out, that she wouldn't be able to keep it to herself forever… that she wouldn't want to, either.
It was a few months after Samantha turned thirteen, when Dean discovered her secret.
The day had been like any other day, walking home from school with her brother, laughing and joking about some random thing. Their father was away, like always, on an extended hunt that had kept him away for weeks already and was looking to be even longer. The cold rain started falling from the sky, soaking them through in a matter of minutes. Dean and Samantha had run home, trying to get warm and dry before catching a cold.
Slipping into the small house they were living at, Dean started pulling his clothes from his body, shivering as he moved, "Sammy, get undressed, dude. It's freezing in here, stupid heater kicked the bucket again, and you need to get warm."
Samantha nodded her head and started to walk towards the bathroom, bottom lip between her teeth as she worried it.
"Sammy, what'd ya doin'? You're gonna track water through the house. Change here."
By then Dean had stripped down to his boxers, hands on his hips as he frowned at Samantha.
"Um… I need to go to the bathroom." Samantha said quietly, trying again to pass by Dean.
"So get your clothes off and go. I'll put them in with a load of laundry."
"I… I'll change when I get to the bathroom."
"Gooddammit, Sammy, why do ya gotta be so difficult." Dean huffed as he leaned over and, before Samantha could jump back, whipped her shirt over her head.
Dean's eyes got impossibly wide as he took in the pale pink, lacy training bra Samantha had on, mouth moving, but no words came out.
Samantha tried to cover herself up, but Dean's hands pushed them away after a few moments and he finally spoke. "Dude… why are you wearing a bra?"
"I don't want to talk about it!" Samantha cried and ran to their room, the door slamming and locking after her.
Leaning back against the door, Samantha could feel tears on her cheeks and she wiped them roughly with her hands, a sob falling from her lips. She stood there for a few minutes trying to get her emotions under control before pulling off her jeans, her hands trembling as they jerkily tugged the material down her legs. Taking a deep breath to try and calm herself, Samantha walked over to the old scuffed and chipped dresser that came with the house and pulled a new outfit out of it.
The sound of the door knob turning made her look; a few seconds later Dean was standing in the open doorway with his lock picking set in his hands. "Knew you would lock it, I swear you're such a girl, Samantha."
Another sob escaped Samantha at her brother's oblivious words and she held her clothes in front of her body.
"Sammy, why are you wearing girls' panties and a bra?" Dean asked quietly as he took a step closer.
Samantha shook her head, tears falling even more as she tried to figure out a way that this wouldn't end up blowing up in her face.
"Sammy," Dean walked up to her and cupped her cheeks, his thumbs wiping away the tear tracks on her cheeks. "Tell me, I won't be mad, I promise."
She stood there quietly for a few seconds and then whispered, "I'm a girl… I feel like a girl inside… I just wanted to feel like one on the outside, too."
"You want to be a girl?" Dean's faced pulled into a confused frown as he looked at her.
"No, I am a girl… at least in my mind. I don't care what everyone else thinks, I'm a girl!" Sucking in a deep breath, Samantha calmed herself down. "I just wanted to be able to dress like I feel inside."
"Okay, Sam-"
"I want to be called Samantha."
They stood there for a few quiet seconds as Dean absorbed Samantha's words, his face going through a hundred different emotions before finally the trademark Dean Winchester smirk appeared, even if it was a little less bright than usual, and he laughed softly. "I always knew you were a girl!"
From the moment that Dean found out about Samantha's secret, Dean slowly adjusted to the idea that his little brother Sam was now his little sister Samantha. It wasn't perfect, but they grew closer than ever as Samantha became more comfortable with who she was and what she wanted. Dean started buying her clothes and such here and there, his way of showing he was okay with Sam now being Samantha.
The first was a pair of dainty little ballet slippers that Samantha had sighed over through a store window, eyes all dreamy and wistful as she look at those perfect little things, before Dean dragged her towards the grocery store with a knowing smirk on his face. Then it had been a girl's fitted sweater, a denim knee length skirt, a frilly scarf, jewelry, and a few things of basic make up. Before long she quickly amassed a small treasure trove of "girly things", as Dean like to call it, and she jumped at the chance to be the girl she felt like on the inside.
On days when it was just them, when they knew their father wouldn't be home anytime soon, Samantha let herself dress completely like the girl she was in her heart. Dean would laugh and give her this small little smile that lit up his eyes whenever she would prance around the house feeling happy and whole for the first time in her life.
"What do you think Dad would say if he knew I dressed like this when he's gone?" Samantha asked quietly one night as they watched TV.
They were cuddled together on the couch, Samantha pressed up against Dean's side with her legs tucked under her and her head resting on Dean's chest. She had on a pair of pink daisy-duke shorts and a white fitted tank top and matching pink hoody... the outfit was a gift from Dean for her fourteenth birthday a few weeks ago and had quickly become her go-to comfy clothes when she needed to feel comfortable, but "girly" at the same time.
She'd let her hair grow out longer, not as long as she'd like it to be, but it was to her shoulders, a messy choppy cut that let her pretend to be the boy in public and a girl in private.
It had been nine months since Dean had found out about her and recently Samantha had finally found the courage to go to the library and read up on transgender issues where she found some interesting things. Because she had realized who she was at a young age, she had a number of options that older transgendered people didn't. Samantha hadn't hit puberty yet, so her body was still in a sort of holding pattern before her testes dropped and her voice lowered and she started to grow hair, thin out and grow taller; before her muscles and bones took the shape of the man she could have been. If she wanted to, she could start taking hormones to grow breasts, keep hair from sprouting in unsightly places, redistribute fat more appropriate for a woman, and keep herself from becoming as tall as she believed she would eventually grow.
It was her chance to be a woman on the outside as well as inside… but she wouldn't be able to do any of that without their dad knowing. It would be obvious before long.
"I don't know, Sammy," Dean shrugged and pulled her closer to him, pressing a kiss to her temple. "Dad's a little hard to figure out, sometimes he takes news better than I imagine, other times… well, it's not so great."
After nearly a year, Samantha had realized that no matter how much she tried to make him call her Samantha it just didn't work. But she had at least got him to stop calling her Sam. Sam was the little boy she used to be, Samantha was the woman she wanted to be and Sammy, well, Sammy was Dean's little sister who used to be his little brother.
"Do you think he would be able to accept me as a girl?"
Dean turned towards her and threaded his fingers through hers, their palms flat together as they looked into each other's eyes. "Maybe… why are you asking?"
"I want to start dressing like a girl all the time; I want everyone to treat me like a girl." Samantha nibbled on her bottom lip nervously. "I was reading at the library yesterday that I could take hormones to help me grow breasts and to keep from growing heavy, coarse hair in places. My voice wouldn't lower and I wouldn't get too tall for the average girl… stuff like that."
"Aren't you too young, Sammy?"
"Well, most transgendered people don't start the change until later in life, but that's usually because they haven't publically acknowledged who they are inside or they were kept from making the change. They're have been people who have done it early… it helps the transition to be easier if the hormone therapy starts before I hit puberty. After that there are some things that couldn't be changed or that would only be able to be changed so much."
"And you want to do it… I mean, become a women outside?"
"Yeah," Samantha gave him a little grin, "I wear bras even though I don't really need them… I want to have breasts and hips, curves like a real woman."
Dean swallowed heavily at her words and unconsciously adjusted himself. Samantha wasn't blind, she'd seen the way Dean had begun to react to her, especially in her girl clothes. Something had started to build between them a long time ago, even before Dean had found out about Samantha, and as they grew older it started to show more and more.
Maybe it was the fact that they lived out of each other's pockets or that they really didn't have anyone else except each other. She knew their relationship probably wasn't what most people would consider normal, even without the hunting life involved. They weren't like others siblings, fighting and hating each other, wanting as much space as they could get. Samantha and Dean were the opposite and always had been, but it was the fact that they were so different that allowed them to connect and depend on each other, each taking up with a personal strength when the other stumbled and fell. They were each other's strength and the last sentry against the harshness of the rest of the world.
As children they would cry and whine being parted from each other, holding tight to each other in their bed at night, their father's gruff voice cursing at the way they'd only cling to each other tighter when he tried to make them sleep in their own beds at night. It had never felt right being away from Dean for very long, even in sleep; Samantha missed her brother horribly when he went on long hunts with their father every so often. She missed him like a missing limb or a piece of her heart. He was a vital part of her life that she couldn't live without, he was her breathe and her life, her everything.
Even if he wasn't the person she trusted most in the world, there was a physical need attached to her love for him. Dean was attractive, she had always known that, but as she got older she began to consciously see it when she looked at him. He was tall, already 5' 11'' and bound to grow taller. He'd gained muscle over the years of helping their father on hunts and he filled out his clothes nicely. Dean always had a cocky grin or a dazzling smile; he made the female, and parts of the male population, wherever he went take notice of him without really even trying. But, that was only a small part of what made Dean, Dean. He was smart, no matter how much others thought otherwise, and gentle, kind… He was could always make Samantha smile whenever she was down. Dean took care of her, loved her, more than anyone else in the world. He was her brother, her friend, the boy she loved.
When she looked at Dean, Samantha would get a tingling feeling in her belly and she would feel out of breath and hot. She wanted him to hold her and kiss her and touch her, and wanted to do the same to him. She knew he felt the same way; she saw the looks he gave her when he thought she wasn't looking, the longing on his face. They both wanted each other, but hadn't taken the final step from "harmless" cuddling and tactile interaction, to something more… yet, but maybe now was the time to acknowledge what had been building between them for years now.
Taking a chance, Samantha crawled onto Dean's lap, keeping her eyes on Dean the whole time to make sure it was okay, as she straddled his lap and sat down on his upper thighs. Gingerly wrapping her arms around his neck and threading her fingers through the hair at the nape of his head, Samantha looked up at Dean and gave him a shy smile. "I want to be a girl, Dean, I want be your girl."
Dean sat there looking like a deer-in-the-headlights for a few minutes before he blinked and pushed out the breath he'd been holding. With a gulp, Dean cautiously wrapped his arms around her, his hands cupping the soft plump flesh of her ass. "You are my girl, Sammy, always will be."
Giggling, Samantha leaned closer and pressed her lips to his for a kiss. It was soft and sweet, innocently chaste, but with the promise of something more. Leaning back, Samantha licked her lips, giving Dean a teasing smirk when he groaned, his eyes locked on the way her tongue slid across the fullness of her bottom lip.
The second kiss was all Dean. He gripped his hands tighter on her ass, pulling her as close as he could as he leaned down and pressed his lips to Samantha's. He gently coaxed them open, groaning at the shy flick of Samantha's tongue against his. Dean pushed his tongue inside her mouth, rubbing the tip against Samantha's in a slow undulation that she quickly mimicked.
Several minutes later, Samantha came up for air, wiggling her hips slightly to put her feet in a better position. She stopped when a loud gasp escaped Dean's lips. "What? Did I do something wrong?"
Dean shook his head. "No, Sammy… it just feels really good with you sitting on my lap."
Samantha frowned for a moment as to why he would gasp like that and then like a light bulb, it came to her. Something was poking her bottom, had been for a while, but she hadn't paid any attention to it until now.
Blushing, Samantha purposely wiggled her bottom again, giggling evilly as Dean gasped once more. "Oops."
"Oops, Sammy?" Dean gave Samantha a mock scowl and then proceeded to tickle her where he knew she was most sensitive.
Crying out, Samantha tried to get off her brother's lap as he attacked her sides, but Dean had always been so much stronger than her. "Noooo!" Laughing through her cries, she dived off of Dean's lap and scrambled across the couch toward safety.
"Not a chance, Sammy." Dean pulled her back on to his lap, this time with her back against his chest. "Got you now."
Tears fell from Samantha's eyes as she laughed, trying to get away from his evil tickling hands. Grabbing Dean's hands as best she could, Samantha pulled them away from her sides and up onto her chest where she held them tight against her. Dean chuckled and let his hands relax finally, his warm breath gusting along the back of Samantha's neck.
Pressing back against her brother, Samantha threaded her fingers through Dean's, sighing as his much larger hands cradled hers. Dean nuzzled her neck and pressed a soft kiss behind her ear, whispering "Love you, Sammy."
"I love you too, Dean."
They stayed there for what felt like hours that night, just holding each other and talking, finally able to share their feelings for each other. They didn't take it any farther; neither was ready for that yet, but someday, they would be.
Samantha had imagined a million different scenarios on how she would tell her father that she was a girl instead of the boy, that wanted to change her body to reflect that, but whenever she attempted to even broach the subject with him she inevitably chickened out. She was afraid of what he might say or do, of the fact that she worried that he wouldn't be able to accept her for who she is and would tell her to leave and never come back. The fear only grew bigger at the thought of him finding out about her and Dean as well. Her father and she had never seen eye to eye on a lot of things and she worried that that fact would only make things worse.
The elder Winchester was completely entrenched in the hunting lifestyle and expected Dean and her to toe the line and be good little soldiers who followed orders without question. They bounced around from state to state, year after year, Samantha would spend a month or two in one school only to get shifted to the next and spend just as little time at that one as well. She valued her education and longed for a stable environment and a single place to call home… and she wasn't shy about voicing her needs. They fought so much, Dean always in the middle, trying to keep the peace as they railed against each for hurts done against the other.
It was that image she always saw when she thought about telling him. No matter how much she wanted to live freely as a girl her fear always kept her from taking the next step to closer to reaching that goal; her father's imposing scowl always stopping her at the last second.
When John Winchester finally found out about Samantha, it was by mistake. Her father had left that afternoon on a hunt that was likely to take a while and, as always, she excitedly took advantage of her father's absence to dress the way she wanted to.
She'd put on a cute little denim mini skirt and one of Dean's old metal band shirts that had shrunk a few sizes in the wash. Samantha had styled her hair and put on a dab of make-up; nothing too overdone, just enough to feel like herself again after a week of being stuck in boys clothes without a break. After changing, she'd gone into the kitchen and started dinner for the two of them, humming away as she worked.
Dean was getting off work soon; he'd been working at the local repair shop in town as a mechanic since he'd graduated high school the month before and Samantha liked to have dinner on the table for him after a long day of work. She liked the feeling she always got when she cooked for Dean, waiting patiently for him to get off work so they could sit down and enjoy their dinner together, snuggling up on the couch afterwards. It left a warm fuzzy happy feeling in her chest… the idea that they were married and living a good life together. Sure, the fact that they were siblings meant that that dream may not the "normal" apple pie life that most people had, but would be a happy one nonetheless.
Somewhere between the last year or two, Dean had become not just a boy but a man, and the image of him always seemed to inspire those fantasies for Samantha… of them finally having a place to call home and a steady life, free of the harshness of a life on the road.
At 6' 1", he was tall and muscled from training and hunting, his body finely tuned into a work of art that made everyone take notice. The sight of him in his dirty coveralls after a long day at work always made her blush and squirm, something about how much of a man he looked in them made her weak in the knees.
"Who the hell are you?"
Samantha screamed and whipped around at the sound of her father's voice, her heart jumping nearly out of her chest as he scared her. A second later she remembered what she was wearing as her father's eyes widen as he took in Samantha in her short skirt, makeup and fitted tee. 'Oh god, this is gonna be bad,' Samantha thought as she braced herself as her father started to yell.
"SAM?" His eyes bulged and his face pulled tight, his hands clenched at his sides. "What the hell is wrong with you, boy, why are you wearing girls' clothes? And is that makeup?"
"I-," her throat closed up around the words she wanted to say, needed to say.
"Goddammit, I knew something was up, but this?" Her father paced back and forth across the kitchen tiles, running his hands roughly through his hair in a move she'd seen him do a thousand times when he was pissed. "Well, explain yourself… now!"
"I," God, why couldn't she talk? "I… I want to be a girl!"
There, she finally said the words that had been on the tip of her tongue for years now. The weight of those words felt like the weight of the heavens on Atlas' shoulders, a burden that she forever wanted to be free of.
"Since… since I was little I knew I was different, but I, I couldn't explain why. When I got older I realized that I didn't feel like a boy even if that was the body I was born in… I felt like a girl." Samantha's quiet voice stuttered through the words, the whisper was like a scream in the silence of the kitchen. "I started dressing like a girl a while ago when you aren't home… it's the only time when I feel like myself."
Biting her lip, Samantha nervously tangled and untangled her fingers together, as she waited for her father to say something. A wet drop fell on her cheeks and she wiped it away with a jerk of her hand. She was crying, 'Great, that will just piss him off even more.'
"You want to be a girl… wait a minute, you said when I'm not here, Dean knows about this shit and didn't report it to me?"
"I've known for about a year now, Dad." Dean said through gritted teeth as he stepped into the house through the backdoor, dumping his lunch pail and keys on the counter. "It was Sammy's choice when or if she told you, not mine."
Their dad stepped into Dean's space and glared at him, a scowl pulling his lips down. "She? You're going along with this bullshit, Dean?"
"Yes, sir, I am and it's not bullshit, sir. Sammy feels like a girl in her mind, if she wants to be that girl, I'll help her anyway I can."
Samantha couldn't help but smile through her tears at Dean's firm words, his chin tilted up and his eyes hard, unwilling to back down. The sight just made her love him even more than she already did.
Nobody spoke for a few seconds. She watched her brother and her father face off against each other, both of them stubborn as hell when they thought they were right. Samantha took a step forward when she saw her father ball his hands into fists, worried that he would hit Dean for his supposed insubordination. Finally, her father took a step back and blew out a puff of air.
"I don't have the time to deal with this nonsense. I have a hunt to get to." He stomped out of the room towards his bedroom, the sound of a drawer opening and then slamming closed again sounded after him. Walking back into the kitchen a minute later, he glared at both of them. "We'll be talking about this bullshit when I get back in a few weeks, boys."
He slammed the backdoor as he walked out, the truck's engine roaring to life and a moment later the squeal of tires marked his departure.
Dean pulled Samantha into his arms, wrapping her in his embrace as he nuzzled her neck. "Baby, you alright?"
Samantha let a sob fall from her lips as she shook her head no, burying her face into his chest as the tears began to flow freely after trying to keep them reigned in for so long.
"Don't listen to him, Sammy. It's not bullshit and if he can't accept it, it's his problem, not yours."
Dean let his hand slide down Samantha's spine to rest on the small of her back as he pulled her in closer, kissing her softly up and down her neck, trying to sooth her.
The sobs just kept on coming no matter how much she tried to make them stop. Her mind whirling on all the ways this could end and most of them weren't good. Would their father be able to accept Samantha like she was or was their family going to be torn apart by her wanting to live as a girl?