Chapter 4: The Search Is Over
"The search has come full circle / our destinies are one / So if you ever loved me / show me that you gave a damn."
"You came home pretty late last night," Kim said as Payson hurried into the kitchen, juggling Harper and her purse.
"Uh, yeah I guess. Sasha and I were working on some possible invitationals to take the girls to. They could use the practice." Kim looked up calmly from the newspaper in front of her, eyeing her daughter. "Did Harper go down okay?"
"She was fine. You and Sasha have been spending a lot of time together lately," Kim said. Payson shifted Harper in her arms and reached into the fridge for a yogurt and some milk to add to her coffee.
"I guess. The office was a mess when I started, so we've been trying to get everything straightened out."
"Right. And all of that needs to be done with Sasha? At his apartment? Late into the night?" Kim pressed. Payson frowned and stopped moving.
"What are you saying, Mom?"
"I'm just saying that you and Sasha have been spending a lot of time together," Kim said, shrugging innocently.
"He's been a good friend to me, Mom."
"Right, a good friend."
#
Payson spent the entire drive to the daycare center trying not the think about what her mother had said, or not said, but it was harder than she thought. Her mind kept turning back to Sasha. He was a friend, a good friend, just like she had told her mother. And that was it. Wasn't it? She thought about how safe she'd felt in his apartment her first few nights back in Boulder, how the smell of him on the pillow had made her feel more secure than anything she could remember. Then she remembered all the little touches they'd shared, his hand against her shoulder, their fingers brushing…it grounded her, made her sane. And then there was that little kiss he'd pressed to her cheek. If she closed her eyes, she could still feel it, and the tingle that had shot through her, catching her by surprise.
"Oh my God," she whispered.
"Mommy!" Harper cried in protest from the back seat. "You passed daycare!"
Payson shook her head clear and noticed that she had indeed passed the daycare center. She pulled into the next parking lot to turn around.
"Sorry baby. Here we go."
Harper was oblivious to Payson's mental state as she unbuckled herself from her car seat and scampered inside. Payson followed slightly behind, just to make sure she got inside safely, and smiled when her daughter rushed off to a group of kids surrounding a large building-block city. Then, she turned and went back to the car, dreading going to The Rock. She wasn't sure she could be around Sasha right now, not after realizing that she loved him…was in love with him.
In a way, she always had been. But over the years "in love" had turned into just "love;" the way you love your parents and your friends, those close to you. She hadn't thought of herself as in love with Sasha for a very long time. It scared her.
Payson sat in her car in the Rock parking lot for almost ten minutes before she gathered the courage to go inside.
"Keep it together, Keeler," she muttered to herself. She forced a smile and waved at the gymnasts who said hello to her as she climbed the steps to the office.
"Morning Payson," Sasha said brightly.
"Hi," she said stiffly, sitting down at her desk and burying herself in paperwork. The amount of paperwork to be done was endless, and it was always a good excuse to get out of talking to someone.
"I thought we might work late tonight, set up a Rock invitational and get the details sorted out before we start inviting other teams," Sasha suggested. Payson felt her heart start to pound in her chest.
"I, uh…I can't. I'm sorry." And she was sorry. But she also really wasn't. Sasha frowned and she knew that she was being unnecessarily cool, but she also wasn't quite sure how to act like normal around him, not when normal had so completely changed.
"Payson, is everything okay?" Sasha asked, moving to get out of his chair and come over to her.
"Yes!" She practically shouted, hoping it would keep him from coming any closer. "Sorry, we've just…been working late a lot lately and I really need to spend an evening at home with Harper."
"Oh, yes. Absolutely," Sasha agreed. He sank back into his chair, still studying her.
#
Sasha watched Payson closely for the next hour or so, looking for any indication of what could be wrong. She certainly didn't make it easy, although Sasha was starting to wonder if he'd done something; when one of the gymnasts came in to ask about homeschooling paperwork, Payson was her usual kind, warm self, and when a parent came in to fill out a new insurance form, Payson chatted easily, but when it was just the two of them, she held her shoulders tense and her head down, and didn't speak to him unless absolutely necessary.
He wondered if she'd figured it out, that he was in love with her. He thought over every interaction they'd had and couldn't come up with a single one that would have given it away. But what other explanation there was for her suddenly uneasy behavior, he didn't know.
After an hour of uncomfortable silence, the thing that unnerved him the most, the phone rang. He saw Payson lunge for it.
"Hello?" She asked, forgetting her usual Rock greeting. Sasha watched her face go from guarded excitement to full out joy.
"Really? Oh, thank you! I can come over tomorrow and sort out all the paperwork," Payson said happily, bouncing in the chair. She hadn't been this unguarded all day. When she hung up the phone she spun to face him.
"I got the house," she said.
"Really?" Sasha asked. Payson's excitement was contagious. Sasha stood from his chair and crossed the room.
"Really!" Payson jumped into his arms and he swung her around, the both of them laughing with happiness. All questions about what he'd done or what was wrong went out of his mind, because she was in his arms and that was all that mattered.
"Am I interrupting something?"
They both spun towards the door and Payson shrieked in happiness, bouncing towards a radiant looking Emily Kmetko. He wasn't sure he'd ever heard Payson shriek that way before.
"Emily! What are you doing here?" Payson asked after they'd exchanged hugs. Emily came farther into the office and hugged Sasha too.
"I'm out of school for the summer, took my last final yesterday and hoped the first plane back to Boulder," Emily explained. Sasha saw Payson frown and wondered why. He knew that the girls were still close, well Kaylie, Emily, Kelly, and Payson were anyway, but he hadn't kept up like he should have.
"I thought you were staying in L.A. for the summer?" Payson said cautiously. Emily shrugged.
"Changed my mind."
"Bull."
"Okay fine, I came to see you. Payson, why didn't you tell me about Jeffrey?" Emily asked. Sasha saw her look in his direction.
"Sasha knows, its fine. How did you find out?"
"Jeffrey called to see if you were staying with Damon and me. Pay, you can't go through all this by yourself, even if you think you can," Emily reminded her.
"You didn't have to come, really, but I'm glad you did."
"Sasha, am I allowed to steal her away for lunch?" Emily asked.
"Of course," Sasha said, nodding. He watched as Emily pulled Payson from The Rock and couldn't help but be glad that the tension seemed to have broken.
#
"God, Jeffrey is such an ass," Emily said as she and Payson picked at their salads.
"He sure is," Payson agreed.
"I just can't believe it. He was always so…"
"Sweet? Attentive? Perfect? He works with actors for a living, I guess it isn't such a stretch to think that he picked up a few tips," Payson said, snorting derisively.
"He did have everyone thinking he was perfect. God, I remember Kaylie and Lauren were so jealous," Emily laughed. Then her face fell.
"Oh my God," they said at the same time.
"I wonder if he slept with Lauren too," Payson whispered, her face going a little green.
"No. No, I'm sure Lauren wouldn't do that…twice," Emily assured her. Payson didn't believe her. Her hand itched to dial Lauren's number and ask her about it, but she knew it wouldn't make anything better.
"Right. Cause we all know Lauren was such a loyal friend. Anyway, I don't want to talk about Jeffrey anymore, how were finals? Graduation is coming up, isn't it?"
"Yeah. Finals were good, I can't believe they're the last ones I'll ever take," Emily mused.
"Time really flies, doesn't it?" Payson asked.
"It really does."
#
Lunch away with Emily was just what Payson needed to get over the funk she'd been in earlier. When she got back to work, promising Emily that they'd get together again soon, the awkwardness between her and Sasha had disappeared.
"How was lunch?" Sasha asked as she walked back inside. He was on the floor with the gymnasts, but he stepped to the side to talk to her.
"Good. I've missed her; we had weekly lunch dates in L.A. and she and Damon came over for dinner all the time," Payson explained. "I'll let you get back to it."
The rest of the afternoon sailed by and Payson knew she would be okay working with Sasha, despite her unrequited love. Eventually all the gymnasts were gone and it was just her and Sasha left as she finished up the last of her work. Sasha was working out, doing pull-ups on the high bar. She got distracted for a moment by the lines of his arms, the hard ridges of his abs that peeked out from beneath his tank top when he lowered himself down. She shook her head clear and grabbed a pen so that he could sign a few documents and she could go home and see her baby.
"Think you can be bothered to sign some papers and release me from this prison?" Payson asked, crossing the gym. He smiled and did two more pull-ups before dropping down to his feet.
"I suppose," he agreed.
"Good. It looked like you needed a break anyway, old man." Payson teased. Sasha scoffed, wiping his face with a small towel and then draping it across his shoulders. Broad, chiseled shoulders. Payson caught herself staring again.
"Old man? Please, I've totally still got it." Hearing the word "totally" come out of his mouth made Payson snort with laughter, which made Sasha scowl.
"Sorry, I'm not laughing at you."
"Right," he drawled. Payson couldn't stop giggling, swaying towards him and doubling over with laughter. She reached out, bracing her hand against the hard wall of his chest and felt his muscles tense beneath her fingertips. Her laughter died as she looked up at him.
"What?" she asked.
She didn't have time to draw another breath before his lips were on hers and his arms were around her waist. Payson gasped around his lips, her other hand coming up to his chest as well, like she was going to push him away. Instead, she grabbed the wide straps of his tank top and pulled him closer.
Sasha deepened the kiss, pushing his tongue past her lips and into her mouth. She welcomed him, pulling herself up onto her toes and pressing her chest tightly against his. Sasha groaned in the back of his throat and it sent a spike of pleasure through Payson like she'd never felt before.
They broke away, breathless, Payson's entire body tingling. Sasha pressed his forehead to hers and closed his eyes tightly.
"Payson…I love you. I've loved you forever," Sasha whispered.
In a heartbeat, Payson ran the gamut of emotions from elation that he returned her feelings to mind-numbing fear. Her heart slammed against her chest, and not in a pleasant, exhilarated way but in the way that made her blood run cold. But she loved him, and he deserved to know it.
"I…I can't."
Payson took advantage of his stunned expression and wiggled out of his arms, running from the gym before he could even think to call her name.
#
It was almost eleven when Payson broke into The Rock, although it wasn't really breaking in because she had a key. She hadn't been able to concentrate on anything that evening, nothing but the feel of Sasha's lips against hers, and the only thing that could clear her head was a good workout.
Sasha would kill her for working out in the gym alone, without anyone to spot her, but she wasn't planning on any serious skills. Not any that would have been serious to her six years ago anyway. She stuck mostly to low level skills since her training so drastically decreased, but even a little bit of gymnastics was enough to calm her mind.
She fastened her grips because the uneven bars and the vault were the only apparatuses that could effectively shut down her mind. Testing the tension on the low bar, she nodded to herself and then jumped forward. Her hands hit the low bar and she swung under before swinging back and into a handstand. From that moment on, there was no room in her mind for anything but staying on the bar. She flew through the air, over and around the bars, performing an old routine that was more muscle memory than anything else. She worked through to the dismount, doing a simple straight backwards Salto with a full twist. She stuck the landing, saluting no one and smiling. It felt good to know that she was still a pretty damn good gymnast.
"I thought I might find you here." Payson spun to find Kim standing just inside the doors, smiling.
"Hey, Mom. Just getting a little workout in," Payson said, trying to keep her voice light.
"At almost midnight? What's up, Pay?" Kim came over to the bars, sitting down and patting the mat next to her. Payson took off her grips and sat down, toying with the Velcro. She blew out a breath, debating how to tell her mom about Sasha. She suspected that Kim already knew, especially after her questions that morning, but it was still a difficult subject to broach.
"I think that I'm in love with Sasha," Payson whispered. Kim didn't say anything for a long moment, reaching over and patting Payson on the back.
"You think he doesn't love you back?"
"Oh, I know he does. He told me as much when we kissed earlier tonight," Payson admitted. Kim's hand, which had been making soothing circles on Payson's back, stilled.
"Well then what's the problem?" Kim asked softly. Payson sighed, shaking her head and rubbing her forehead.
"I don't know. When he said that, I was so happy. But then it was like I couldn't breathe, I was just…afraid."
"Afraid of what?"
"Of…I don't know. I just think that a new relationship should be the last thing on my mind right now. I'm not even divorced yet," Payson muttered.
"And maybe you're just a little afraid that what happened with Jeffrey will happen with Sasha?" Kim pressed.
"No, not really. I know Sasha is a good man, I don't think he'd ever cheat on a woman, but…I don't know if I can ever be as unguarded as I was when I met Jeffrey. I don't know if I can trust anyone enough to have a relationship."
"Even though you've always trusted Sasha more than anyone else?"
"Even though. I think I owe it to myself, and to Sasha and Harper and everyone else, to take some time to…I don't know. Figure out my life."
"I understand, sweetie. And I think Sasha will too."
"Thanks, Mom."
"Just doin' what Moms do best, Pay." They both stood up and grabbed their things, heading back out to the parking lot.
"Oh! Guess what?" Payson asked.
"What?"
"I was so preoccupied earlier I forgot to tell you…they accepted my offer on the house. I sign the paperwork tomorrow," Payson said with a grin. Kim smiled too.
"That's great, Pay! Come on, let's go home and have some fro-yo to celebrate."
#
Payson was absent from work most of the next morning, taking a little time to sleep in and then driving across town to sign the papers on the house. By the time she got to The Rock, it was almost lunch break. She was prepared for an awkward tension between her and Sasha, what she was not prepared for was Sasha sending the gymnasts on their break fifteen minutes early and trapping her in the office.
"Payson, we need to talk about last night," Sasha said, his brow furrowed.
"I…" Sasha held up a hand to stop her.
"No, look…I'm sorry, Payson. I shouldn't have said what I did, especially with everything going on with Jeffrey." Payson smiled sadly, reaching up and tracing her fingers over his cheek. She wanted to tell him that she felt the same way, but the words stuck in her throat. So instead she reached up and pressed a light kiss to his lips.
"No, I'm sorry. I'm not sixteen anymore, Sasha, I should have stayed and talked to you like an adult. I can't lie and say I'm not attracted to you, I am, but I'm just not ready," she explained, very careful to make him think her feelings were casual. It seemed to work and he nodded in response.
"I understand, Payson. I'll wait as long as you need."
A/N: THANK YOU to Blacksash, aVampireVixen (it makes me so happy to hear FYtW sucked you in like that!), JCI, AngelWings8 (that fic I promised you is coming, I swear), iheartcam, brokenangelwings16, Elli-Wyatt, maggymoo21, xxCrimexObsessedxPrincessxx, BearyFunny66, and brochacho for your reviews! You guys are awesome!
Now, I know I've been posting these new chapters on Sunday/Monday, but I'm posting this chapter a few days early because tomorrow morning (5 am!) I'm leaving for a little trip to New York City, my favorite place in the United States, and tied for number one in the whole world.
Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys this chapter! If you do or don't, you know what to do...REVIEW! :)