Chapter 12: Take It All
"I will change if I must / Slow down and bring it home / I will adjust / Oh, if only / If only you knew / Everything I do is for you."
"This is ridiculous," Kelly snapped, reaching out and smacking her computer. Austin Tucker winced.
"They're both as stubborn as people can get, KP. It's done, you have to get over it," he said carefully, hoping she wouldn't turn her anger on him.
"It is not done. Payson just needs someone to knock some sense into her, and I don't know why the two who are actually in Boulder with her can't do it!" She growled again and Austin couldn't help but think she was damn sexy when she was mad, especially if it wasn't directed at him.
"I know you think Payson needs you twenty-four seven, but she's a big girl. If she doesn't want to marry Sasha, there's nothing you can do," Austin reminded her. Kelly turned her glare on him.
"Payson doesn't know what she wants. I'm flying to Boulder, okay?" Austin knew she wasn't so much asking permission as telling him her plans. He sighed and rubbed his hand across his forehead.
"Fine. How long will you be gone?" Austin asked. Kelly shrugged, her finger rapidly clicking against the computer keys as she purchased a plane ticket to Boulder.
"As long as it takes."
Austin stood up, shaking his head and smiling. Coming around to her side of the desk, Austin leaned down and pressed a kiss to her head.
"Hurry home, okay? I've been missing my girl." Kelly waved him off with a smile.
#
Three weeks. It had been three weeks since Sasha officially ended things with Payson, and she'd hated every day of living life without him. Things at the gym were tense and uncomfortable, the gymnasts were starting to notice that something was seriously wrong, and the nights spent alone were just depressing. It didn't help that Harper asked Payson every day when Sasha would be back from his trip. Payson still didn't have the heart to tell her little angel that Sasha wasn't going to be coming around anymore, and maybe part of her hoped that she wouldn't have to, that all this would blow over and Sasha would change his mind.
Payson sat in her office chair, watching as Sasha ran the gymnasts through a particularly brutal conditioning circuit. They'd both been rough on the athletes since their split, using the quickly approaching Worlds as their excuse, and part of her felt badly for them. The gym certainly wasn't a fun place to be anymore.
She was pulled from her thoughts by the sound of the gyms double doors flying open, clanging against the wall. She winced at the sound, ready to tell off whatever over-exuberant teenager had been so careless, when she heard the hush fall over the gym. The name she heard the gymnasts whispering made her groan.
"Payson Keeler, you are such a dumb bitch," Kelly snapped as she stormed into the office, slamming the door shut behind her.
"I'm sorry, what?" Payson asked with a short laugh.
"How have you let this go on for so long? Huh? You know exactly what you need to do to get Sasha back! It would be so easy!" Kelly raged. Payson frowned.
"It would be easy if I were willing to lie to him! Kelly, I can't tell Sasha what he wants to hear because it wouldn't be true. It's not as simple as you make it sound. What are you even doing here?"
"I'm here to make you stop acting like a crazy person. That's my job, remember? Get your shit together, Keeler."
Payson sighed, shaking her head. The last thing she wanted to do was hash it out with Kelly in the gym office, but she knew that her friend wouldn't let her get out of it. Maybe that was why Kelly was actually her best friend.
"I don't know what you want me to do," Payson admitted.
"I want you to tell Sasha you'll consider marriage! That's all it would take. You don't have to land on yes, as long as he knows you'll think about it!" Kelly insisted. Payson could see her practically shaking with frustration and anger, and wondered why in the world Kelly was so invested in her love life. It was her mistake to make, not Kelly's.
"I would be lying to him, Kelly, and he deserves better than that. Even if it hurts. Why do you care so much anyway?"
"Did you really just ask me that? I care because you're both my friends, because I want to see you happy, and because you're both being stupid!" Kelly huffed. Payson narrowed her eyes, knowing that wasn't all there was to it. Kelly wilted under her stare and threw her hands up. "Fine, that's not all. Look, ever since Sasha showed up in Boulder, like, eight years ago, you two have had this connection. You were always in love with each other, everyone knew it. That's why it blew up when you kissed him, everyone knew that there was actually something between you two, even if you didn't."
"Okay, so we've been in love with each other for a long time. So what?" Payson pressed.
"It's not about that," Kelly huffed, waving her hand dismissively. "Even when you weren't together, you were more together than any other couple I've known. You…you gave me hope, okay? You know my parents had a shitty relationship so I never really had a shining example of what true love is, until you and Sasha came along. Austin and I wouldn't have made it nearly this far if it weren't for you two."
Payson snorted at the mention of Austin's name. He and Kelly were dysfunctional at best.
"Speaking of Austin, tell me this; if you're such a champion of considering marriage as an option, why do you tell Austin no every time he asks?" Kelly faltered for a moment before violently shaking her head.
"Don't change the subject…"
"I'm not!"
"Yes you are." Kelly was interrupted again when Sasha stormed in.
"I don't know what the bloody hell you two are going on about in here, but it's distracting the gymnasts. Take it outside," Sasha snapped. He turned to leave again but Kelly reached for his arm, catching him by the sleeve of his shirt.
"Oh no you don't. You two have some serious issues to discuss. I'll take care of your gymnasts."
"Kelly," Payson hissed warningly.
"Have fun!"
And then it was just Payson and Sasha, staring awkwardly at the floor, the walls, anywhere but at each other. Payson let her head fall into her hand and massaged her forehead.
"I'm sorry. She…"
"She means well, I'm sure," Sasha offered. Payson nodded.
"Right."
"She's pretty angry with us," Sasha said. Payson snorted.
"Yes she is."
They sat in silence for a few moments, both waiting for the other to speak. Payson opened her mouth once, begging herself to do as Kelly had said, to do whatever it took to get Sasha back, but she couldn't. She'd meant what she'd said to Kelly, Sasha deserved better than a lie.
"We'd better get back out there," Payson finally said, standing from her chair. Sasha nodded hesitantly.
"You don't think she'll kidnap us and tie us up somewhere, do you?" he teased. Payson smiled for the first time all day.
#
"Annabelle, you have got to focus!" Payson insisted as Annabelle hit a shaky landing on her triple. The young girl stamped her feet, throwing a mini-tantrum, and then took a deep, ragged breath.
"I'm sorry!"
"What's going on?" Payson asked.
"It's this gym, Payson. Everything is so…tense. I can literally feel it, crushing down on me. The pressure…"
"Pressure is a part of the sport, Annabelle. If you think this is bad, wait until the Olympics."
"No, no, not that kind of pressure."
Payson sighed. She knew exactly what the girl was talking about; the thing between her and Sasha was creating an absolutely stifling atmosphere in the gym, making it hard to breath. She'd seen more than one gymnast falter under the pressure.
"It will get better, Annabelle, I promise." She hoped she wouldn't make a liar out of herself.
#
"I can't believe you flew all the way here, Kelly," Kaylie laughed as the four girls sat around a high top table at some local dive bar.
"Well someone needs to get Keeler's head in the right place, and you two certainly aren't getting it done," Kelly snapped, gesturing between Kaylie and Emily.
"Hey!" Emily protested. "I'm only here when Damon is on tour, Kaylie is the one who's home for the entire summer."
"Which is almost over," Kaylie reminded them. Payson groaned, listening to her friends bicker about her love life.
"Can we just put a moratorium on my issues with Sasha for tonight, please?" Payson begged. Kelly huffed.
"Hell no," Kelly cried. "Until you're prepared to stop being stupid, you can deal with my hounding."
"Kelly…" Payson sighed. Kaylie reached over and put a hand on her arm.
"Can I ask you a serious question?" Kaylie asked. Payson nodded, defeated. Her friends weren't going to leave her alone any time soon.
"Go ahead."
"I guess I just don't understand why you're so dead set against considering marriage again," Kaylie said. "And we can all see how miserable you are without Sasha."
"I don't want what happened with Jeffrey…"
"That is such bullshit!" Kelly interrupted. "You're just being a coward, and you're being stubborn."
"I am not," Payson whined, feeling a bit like a petulant child even thought she knew it was true. There was no evidence to suggest that what had happened with Jeffrey would happen with Sasha; he was a good, kind, honest man. He was a good father, even though the role had been thrust upon him without his asking for it. And he was the love of her life.
"Payson, you're the only one who can make this decision but for the record? We all think you're making a mistake," Emily offered. Payson shook her head.
"You all can think what you like."
"Payson, come on," Kelly begged.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore tonight. Either shut up about it or take me home."
#
Payson was working out on the low beam, long after everyone had gone home for the day. Harper was with Jeffrey's parents for the one weekend of supervised visitation, leaving Payson all by herself. The workout was a sufficient distraction; exactly one month had passed since she and Sasha broke up and every day it was harder to be around him without throwing herself back into his arms.
"You're getting sloppy in your old age." Payson nearly fell from the beam at the sound of his voice.
"Am I?" she challenged, completing a flawless aerial cartwheel. He crossed the gym, coming to stand beside the beam. For a moment Payson felt as though she were sixteen again, training for the Olympics.
"Can you still do that Double Turn?" Sasha asked. Payson frowned a little. This was as close as they had been outside of the workday in weeks.
"Of course I can, it's my signature move," Payson scoffed. Taking a deep breath and tightening her core, Payson launched herself into a double turn, extending her leg perfectly horizontal to the beam. Before she did it at the 2012 Olympics, no other gymnast had done it in International competition. She wobbled a little bit and Sasha's hands immediately went up to steady her.
The feel of his fingers against her back and stomach made her gasp. She could feel the heat of his hands against her skin through the thin tank top she wore, almost like there was nothing separating them. Payson turned her head to look at him and the desire in his eyes set her belly on fire. Without warning he pulled her from the beam and into his arms, pressing his lips to hers.
Payson sighed into the kiss, clutching his shoulders and opening her mouth beneath his. His tongue swept inside to tangle hers and he pulled her closer, allowing no space between them.
Together they sank to their knees before Sasha twisted, forcing her back and hovering above her. He kissed down her neck at the same time his hand slipped beneath her tank top, his fingers flexing against the skin of her stomach. Payson sifted her fingers through his hair and then grabbed a fistful, holding him to her and arching beneath him.
"Sasha," she breathed. "I missed you."
His entire body froze and Payson cursed herself. Slowly, Sasha's hand pulled away from her skin and he rolled off of her, sitting up and putting some distance between them. Payson bit her lip, hoping the pain would shock the tears out of her eyes.
"That shouldn't have happened," Sasha said, his voice rough. Payson cringed, shaking her head.
"Sasha…"
"I think…I think I need to take a leave of absence," Sasha said carefully. Payson's heart nearly stopped before it began thundering in her chest, rattling her ribcage.
"What?" She gasped. Sasha nodded solemnly.
"I can't be around you right now. I need time for it to sink in that we aren't together anymore, and that can't happen when I still see you every day. The gymnasts are nearly ready for Worlds and I have no doubt you can get them there, and I'll be back in plenty of time for the start of the Olympic year. Think of it as an extended vacation," Sasha explained, sounding sadder than she'd ever heard him.
"Sasha, you can't leave," Payson insisted.
"I have to. It won't be forever, I promise."
"When?"
"I'll tell the gymnasts tomorrow, and my absence will start the day after." Payson reached for his hand, tightening her grip when he tried to pull away. She couldn't help but remember how she'd felt when he left her after Worlds all those years ago, and the same feelings were amplified now. She couldn't lose him.
"Sasha…"
"I'm sorry, Payson."
Sasha pulled his hand from hers and climbed to his feet. He stood still for a moment, not looking at her, but not walking away either. Payson held her breath, hoping he would reconsider. Instead, he walked away.
Payson sat, still and silent, for a long moment. Part of her didn't believe that he would actually leave, and the other part of her was terrified that he would, that this was her last chance to fix everything. She knew that if she allowed him to actually take a leave of absence, she would lose him forever.
"Sasha," she whispered, staring at the doors he'd just disappeared through. Then she scrambled to her feet and hurried out the door. She didn't know what she would say, or if she could ever really get married again, but she did know that she couldn't lose Sasha. A life without him was not one she wanted.
"Sasha!" He kept walking for a few steps before he stopped, keeping his back to her. After a long moment he turned to face her, his features glowing under the moonlight. He waited.
Payson ran to him, desperate to make him stay. She jumped into his arms, trusting him to catch her, and grabbed his face in her hands, kissing him deeply.
"Don't go. Please. I'll change, I'll be different."
"Payson," he sighed, setting her down and prying her hands away from his face. "I don't want you to have to change who you are for me."
"That's not what I mean. I mean…look, I can't know how I'll feel about marriage a year from now, two years from now, whatever, but I do know how I'll feel about you. I don't ever want to live my life without you. I love you, Sasha Belov. Please stay with me."
Sasha took a deep breath and for a moment Payson thought he would say no. Then a slow smile spread over his face.
"I'll stay."
"Really?" Payson cried, giddy. Sasha leaned in and kissed her slowly.
"Really. I'll stay forever if you'll let me."
A/N: THANK YOU to LauraW89, threewishes6716, crazylady789, JTellersOldLady, and anonymous for your reviews!
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