Chapter 13: With Or Without You
"Through the storm we reach the shore / You give it all but I want more / And I'm waiting for you / With or without you / I can't live / With or without you"
"Sasha!" Harper shrieked, flying into his arms the moment Payson opened the front door. He swung her up into his arms, hugging her tightly and planting a kiss on her cheek. He and Payson had been officially back together for almost two weeks, but he hadn't been able to spend much time with Harper.
"Hello, Puiule," Sasha said warmly. Payson smiled at the endearment.
"Are you sure you're okay staying with her tonight?" Payson asked. Sasha nodded, laughing as Harper grabbed his face between her little hands and gave him an Eskimo kiss, rubbing the tip of her nose against his.
"Of course. Kelly's leaving in the morning?"
"Yeah. Good thing too, I think Austin was ready to hop a plane," Payson laughed, digging in her purse to make sure she had her keys.
"And Kaylie?" Sasha asked.
"Tomorrow afternoon. School starts back up on Monday."
"Give them hugs for me," Sasha said. Payson nodded, leaning in to kiss him. She chose to ignore the tightness in his lips as he returned it.
"I love you. Harper, be good for Sasha okay? And I love you too."
"Love you, Mommy!" Harper called after her. Sasha stood in the door with Harper on his hip and they watched as Payson hopped in the Lexus and drove away to meet the girls. When the car was out of sight, Sasha turned to Harper.
"What would you like to do tonight, puiule?"
"That's not my name!" Harper giggled. Sasha laughed.
"It's my special name for you; it means you're my little cub," Sasha explained. Harper giggled, hiding her face in his shoulder. "So, my little cub, what shall we do?"
"Go to the Rock!" Sasha laughed, not at all surprised that Harper wanted to go to the gym. The little girl was in love with gymnastics, just like her mother. Anytime he or Payson gave her the option, she wanted to go to The Rock. And she wasn't satisfied with somersaults and cartwheels anymore, she wanted to learn handsprings and aerials, even though her toddler body couldn't handle it yet.
"All right, we'll go to The Rock." Sasha set Harper on her feet and she scurried away to get her shoes.
The moment they set foot inside The Rock, Harper ran straight for the low beam, jumping onto it and twirling around. Sasha couldn't help but see Payson in her as she focused intensely on putting one foot in front of the other. She must have felt his eyes on her, because she looked up suddenly, straight at him, and waved. He waved back and gave her a smile.
Sasha wasn't sure he'd ever wanted to be a father, his gymnasts were enough like children that he hadn't ever felt an overwhelming desire to have children of his own, but Harper had captured his heart and soul, and now all he wanted was to be her father and have more children with Payson. She made him want that storybook life he'd always thought would be so boring; a wife, a real house, two point five kids, a dog, and even a picket fence. Of course if Payson wouldn't marry him, he didn't want any of it.
Marty had told him that he was being old-fashioned and overly stubborn, insisting on marrying Payson. He'd taken the same stance Payson had, that there were ways to move a relationship forward without getting married and that they didn't have to be to have a real family. Sasha saw the point in that, he really did, and in his younger days he wouldn't have spared a second thought towards marriage. But with Payson it was different. She made him want those things. He didn't want to be just her boyfriend, he wanted to be her husband. Apparently she didn't.
"Sasha watch!" Sasha shook himself from his own thoughts and turned his gaze on Harper, who jumped into the air and twisted all the way around, landing firmly on the little beam.
"Getting ready for the 2032 Olympics, puiule?" Sasha asked with a laugh. Harper nodded firmly.
"I'm going to be a champion, like you and Mommy!" Sasha wondered for a moment how Harper could possibly understand that he and Payson were Olympic gold medalists, and then pushed the thought aside. She probably didn't really grasp the concept, and even if she did, it didn't matter.
"Yes you are, Harper. Yes you are."
Harper moved to the trampoline to "train" though she was really just jumping around and practicing her forward rolls and Sasha sat down on the stairs leading up to the office, watching her and thinking about Payson.
They'd been back together two weeks and nothing had changed, although he wasn't sure he expected it to. Short of getting married, he didn't think much could change, but he had expected to see some sort of change in Payson's attitude. Instead, she seemed to be acting like nothing had ever happened. Back to the honeymoon phase. She'd promised him she would think about marriage, but a part of him was certain she'd just said what she knew he wanted to hear to keep him from leaving. And he'd gone for it; he'd believed that because she'd said it, she meant it. Sometimes he thought he was a bloody fool.
He hadn't noticed Harper bouncing over to the stairs until she practically jumped on top of him. He laughed, wrapping his arms around her and hugging her tightly, pressing a kiss to her head.
"Having fun, puiule?"
"Yes!" She cuddled into his side and yawned and Sasha knew it was probably time to take her home and feed her dinner so that she could go to sleep. She turned her big blue eyes on him, blinking slowly.
"Sasha, are you my Daddy?" Harper asked. Sasha felt his breath catch; he hadn't been prepared for her to ask that question and he was a little uncomfortable answering it without Payson to guide him.
"Well, Jeffrey is your Daddy, but if you want me to I can be your second Daddy."
"Yes, yes!" She cried, giddy. Sasha laughed. Harper turned serious again.
"Where did you go?" Harper asked. Sasha frowned.
"What do you mean?"
"You were gone a long time. Mommy said you went on vacation, but I don't think you did." Sometimes Sasha was astounded by how intuitive Harper was, even at just three years old. He took a deep breath, trying to decide how to answer the question.
"There were some thing that I needed to figure out, and it kept me away for a little while. But I'm back now," Sasha attempted. He knew it was reaching, but she was three, she would believe it. He hoped. Just to be safe, he changed the subject. "Ready to go home and eat dinner?"
"Mhmm," Harper agreed. "Sasha, are you and Mommy going to get married?"
"I don't know, Harper. I hope so."
#
Sasha sipped his Scotch and flipped slowly through the pages of The Brothers Karamazov, but the words weren't holding his interest. His mind kept drifting to Harper and Payson, and what an integral part of his life they had become. By the time Payson walked back in the front door at almost one in the morning, Sasha wasn't even pretending to read.
"Hey, love, how was your night?" Sasha asked as Payson dropped herself into his lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck and nuzzled into his shoulder.
"Mmm, good. I'm going to miss having all the girls in town," Payson muttered into his skin, pressing a kiss to the juncture between his neck and shoulder. He felt lust flare through his body and tightened the hand that rested on her knee.
"They'll be back soon," he assured her, toying with the ends of her hair. She pulled her head from his shoulder so that she could look him in the eye; for the first time ever Sasha felt as though he had no idea what was going on inside her head. She smiled at him, leaning in to kiss him lightly on the lips.
As soon as her lips brushed against his, Sasha's hand went to the back of her head and held her against him. He felt her try to pull away for a fraction of a moment before he flicked his tongue out against her lips and she sank into the kiss, opening her mouth beneath his. Sasha's free hand went to her back, urging her to shift her position and straddle his knees, which she did without hesitation.
Sasha pulled her tightly against him, holding her like she would slip through his fingers if he didn't anchor her to him. She didn't seem to mind, rising up a little to press herself closer and threading her fingers through his hair.
"Take me to bed, Sasha," Payson gasped against his lips. He picked her up and carried her up the stairs, stepping carefully.
As he undressed her, Sasha realized how often they'd been having sex since getting back together. Though their sex life had been healthy before the break-up, they'd always balanced it with nights spent cuddling and watching movies, or talking, and being truly intimate. Post-reunion, all the true intimacy to their relationship had gone out the window. Marriage was the elephant in the room, and sex was the big sheet they threw over it.
"Hey, where did you go?" Payson asked, breathless, putting her hands on his cheeks and forcing his face up to hers. He stared at her for a moment, wishing he'd never let Jeffrey get a hold of her heart. It should have been his to protect all along.
"Right here," he rasped.
"Then kiss me like you mean it."
#
"Keep working that core, Annabelle! If you want to land your triple by Worlds you're going to need rock solid abs," Payson yelled as she worked the girls through a conditioning circuit.
"You…suck," Annabelle gasped, tightening her stomach muscles and lifting her legs higher. Payson laughed.
"Yeah, you thought you would get off easy with Sasha in Houston, huh?" Payson teased. He had flown to Bela Karolyi's camp near Houston for an annual coaching conference. When he'd first told her he was going, she'd balked at the idea; they had been back together for three weeks and he was leaving for a long weekend? She thought it was a little soon to be spending time apart like that, but then she realized maybe it was a good thing. There had been some tension between them since getting back together that she had tried her best to ignore, and maybe a weekend away was just what Sasha needed. Maybe when he came back everything would be fixed.
"Who's that guy?" Annabelle huffed, jerking her chin towards the front door. Frowning, Payson turned to see who had come in.
Marty.
"Hey Marty," Payson called warmly, giving him a wave.
"Hey Pay. Got a minute?" Payson nodded and turned back to the gymnasts.
"Okay guys, starting working through your rotations; I want everyone focusing on their weakest apparatus today. Jake and Tara will be on the floor keeping an eye on you, and I will be watching from the office," she warned. She smiled at the nervous twitter that went through the group and then turned to follow Marty up the stairs.
"Wow," Marty said once she'd shut the door. Payson frowned, confused.
"Wow what?"
"You sounded like a real coach," he teased. Payson rolled her eyes.
"Not that I'm not happy to see you Marty, but what do you want?" Payson sat down in her chair and motioned for Marty to take Sasha's. He sank down, rubbing his hands together like he was composing a speech in his head. Payson knew the look well from her years as his gymnast. "Spit it out."
"Do you love Sasha?" Marty asked. Payson frowned.
"Of course I do, Marty. Why would you ask me that?"
"Fine, maybe you love him, but I don't think you appreciate him. That man is so head over heels, stupid in love with you that he would literally die for you, did you know that?" Marty asked. Payson had never heard him talk like this, and she wasn't sure she liked it.
"What's your point?" Payson growled. Marty sighed.
"I just want to make sure you know what you're going to lose if you lose him," Marty said with a shrug. Payson's frown deepened.
"Marty, what are you talking about? Sasha and I are back together, everything's fine," Payson insisted, even as doubt started gnawing away at her insides. Marty shook his head and stood up, heading for the door.
"Everything's not fine and you know it, Payson."
#
"Momma, play with me!" Harper demanded. Payson blinked, clearing her head of the thoughts that had been plaguing her since Marty's little visit to the gym.
"Sure sweetie," Payson said absently, sinking to her knees next to Harper on the living room carpet and picking up a large tiger figure. Payson had been adamant about Harper not having Barbies, so when she was born Mark and Kim had bought a large packet of safari animal figures. Of all the toys Harper had been given over the few years she'd been alive, those animals were her favorites.
Payson mindlessly moved the figures as Harper directed, supplying a funny voice ever once in a while, but she couldn't focus; her thoughts were on Sasha. Had Marty been right? Was she losing Sasha? The thought made her almost physically ill. She had to find a way to reassure him that she wanted to move forward with him, even if that didn't mean marriage yet. She just wasn't quite sure what.
"Mom! Who's at the door?" Harper asked, sounding exasperated in the way only a three year old could. Payson hadn't even heard the knocking until Harper reached over and started patting her hard on the knee.
"I don't know, let's go see." Together the two Keeler women stood up and went to answer the door.
"Daddy!" Harper shrieked, jumping into Jeffrey's arms. Payson clenched her teeth to keep from killing her ex husband.
"What are you doing here, Jeffrey?"
"Taking my little bugaboo to the zoo," Jeffrey said, tickling Harper, who squirmed.
"No! I'm not bugaboo," Harper insisted. "I'm puiule."
Payson smiled at her halting pronunciation of Sasha's nickname for her, but Jeffrey frowned.
"Well do you want to go to the zoo…puiule?"
"Only Daddy Sasha can call me that. And I guess Mommy. But I do want to go to the zoo," Harper chattered, oblivious to her parents' reaction. Payson's heart stalled in her chest; she had never heard Harper refer to Sasha that way before, and Sasha had never mentioned it either. She wasn't even sure where Harper got the idea, but she couldn't deny how good it sounded to her ears. Jeffrey, of course, was livid. Payson could see the muscles in his jaw bunching, and the vein in his neck throbbing the way it did when he got really angry.
"Honey, I'm not sure the zoo is a good idea," Payson said carefully. Jeffrey glared.
"But I want to go to the zoo!" Harper protested, sticking out her lower lip.
"We will go to the zoo. Go get your coat," Jeffrey demanded, setting Harper down on her feet.
"Jeffrey, you can't just show up here and take her somewhere! It's a violation of our custody agreement…"
"The one you practically extorted me into signing? Sorry Payson, but I want to see my daughter."
"You should have called me first. That was really low, just showing up and knowing that I would look like the bad guy if I said no," Payson hissed.
"I don't know why you're so worried about me being around Harper, I've never been…compromised around her," Jeffrey insisted. Payson had to admit that he was right, and that she knew he wasn't a drug addict, but there was a first time for everything. "And why, by the way, is my daughter calling Sasha Daddy?"
"Probably because he's more of an actual father to her than you are. I will let you take her to the zoo just. This. Once. The next time you drop by like this, I'll go to a judge," Payson warned. Jeffrey rolled his eyes and she wanted nothing more than to smack him. She opened her mouth to say more but Harper came bounding back into the room, happily jabbering about the zoo.
"Bye Mommy!" Harper called as Steve carried her out to his car.
"She is to be back by five, Jeffrey, and not one minute after!"
Payson watched Jeffrey pull out of the driveway and prayed to whatever God might be out there that her daughter would be okay. As soon as they were out of sight, Payson reached for the phone and dialed a number she had hoped she was done using.
"Steve Tanner," he answered crisply.
"Steve, its Payson."
"Payson? Is everything okay?"
"Sort of. I mean, Jeffrey just violated our custody agreement by showing up out of the blue and taking Harper to the zoo, but he wasn't high, so I let her go. But I do have a question for you," Payson said.
"Okay, shoot," Steve said.
"Talk to me about adoption."
A/N: For the record, I am not at all happy with this chapter. It was very, very hard for me to write, but I've written and rewritten it a million times and I'm pretty sure this is as good as it's going to get. Let me know what you think!
Thank you, thank you to poppetrussell, Victorian, JCI, crazylady789, Hope85, elliemarie84, LauraW89, and anonymous for your reviews!
Please, please let me know what you all thought of this chapter even if it's just to confirm my suspicions that it wasn't very good