Chapter Fifteen

October 17th, 2010

"Mr. Hummel," a gentle voice startled Burt from his sleep the next morning. He and Kurt had played chess for nearly an hour after finding one in the waiting room. Burt had remained by his side, holding his hand and singing softly to him while he son slept. "I don't believe you're still supposed to be here," The nurse said smiling.

"Hmm, yeah well, I'd be here by now anyway," He stated rubbing his hand over his face. "What time is it?"

"Ten, I actually came in to inform you the doctor is on her way and if everything looks good, Kurt will be going home today."

"Well that's good news," Burt stated as he looked at his son. "Will there be any complications."

"The doctor will tell you if there would be."

"Thanks," He offered, he leaned forward, looking at his son sleeping, almost looking peaceful and he smiled. He'd forgotten how young his son looked; somedays twelve wasn't even the right age.

There was a soft knock on the door and Burt turned, grimacing at the pain in his chest, he smiled weakly at the doctor. "Hey doc."

"You shouldn't be here Mr. Hummel, you're only just recoving from a serious arrythimia-"

He waved her off, "He's my kid. Besides I'm safer here than anywhere else."

The doctor couldn't truly argue with that, but his stress level alone was her primary concern. "Burt, you have to keep yourself as relaxed as possible until your stress test."

"He is my stress test," Burt offered quietly smiling weakly. Kurt was his biggest stressor but worth the most effort.

She smiled and began to look at some of Kurt's injuries, "He's healing nicely. He'll be able to walk with a knee brace for about six weeks and then he can get rid of that. His arm should be healed by then too."

"He's going to be okay?"

"Physically I have no doubt. I don't think he'll even have any scars honestly."

Burt smiled, "He'll be thankful for that."

"It's going to be a long road for both of you, though. You're going to be on medication the rest of your life, and we have to make sure for the next several months that you don't become overly stressed. And Kurt…he's going to have to face this attack, my other concern are his lungs. He has shown some sign of a little damage already."

"Meaning?"

"His lungs probably won't have the same capacity as they did before this happened. I'm not saying he won't sing and dance, but it's going to be a long time before he doesn't get winded regularly."

Burt shook his head. "I don't understand why anyone would want to hurt a child."

"There are sick people in this world, Mr. Hummel." She looked at Kurt's chart. "He's still has a low fever of about 99, we've checked it multiple times during the night, is he usually a little higher than most?"

"Not usually, he's either lower or about the same."

"Well, all signs of the infection are gone, it could just be because he's covered up and he's been sleeping a lot. It's your call, I'd like to release him today, and that's not a high enough temperature to keep him here if you're okay with that decision."

"I think Kurt would like to go home."

She nodded. "Consider it done, I'll sign the paperwork, you get yourself a ride and I expect to see you both out of my hair by lunch."

He smiled, "Doc?"

"Yeah?"

"How long?"

"What?"

"How long will I live with the damage done to my heart?"

"You could live another forty or fifty years, Burt, don't count yourself out yet."

He smiled weakly. "It's just kind of scary, you know?" He shook his head, "I'm being dumb," he offered.

Dr. Loyle shook her head, "No you aren't, Burt. What you're feeling is normal, and I'd like you to watch those feelings closely. In the next several weeks as you start to realize you can't do as much as you'd like you could start to feel depressed, don't let that fester."

Burt looked at her, and gave a very small nod, "I'll do my best."

"That's all we ask, you two take care of one another."

Burt gave a small nod, before he stood up and made his way out of the hospital room. He quickly dialed Carole's number and waited, "Hey, Kurt's being released…any chance you can come get us and take us home? Thanks Carole, love you too."

Kurt woke up about an hour later, blinking his eyes he looked at his father, took in the slightly sunken in tired eyes, and the paleness. "You should be at home," he whispered.

"We're on our way, kiddo. Although, I think it's very likely you won't be sleeping in your own bed for awhile."

"That's okay. I'll sleep upstairs in my old bed or in yours," he offered.

"All right. The doctor is signing you out now, how do you feel?"

Kurt looked at him and forced a smile, "Fine," Kurt replied.

Burt nodded, "I figured you'd say something like that. It's okay to not be okay, Kurt. I know I sure as hell don't feel fine."

Kurt looked at his father for a long moment, as if considering what he was saying, he closed his eyes, "I…" He wasn't used to opening up. He was used to disappearing into the back while people noticed everyone around him. He liked it that way, then he'd joined Glee, and while he wanted to be a star he did have things that were far more important to him than that.

"Kurt, you've always been able to talk to me, if you need to explode, just explode kiddo. But you can't bottle this all up inside you, it'll tear you apart."

"I'd like to continue seeing Dr. Leland," Kurt murmured, maybe the only person he could open up to was Spencer, but he did want to tell his dad about everything. Burt looked at him for a long moment and nodded.

"I'll call him when we get home, set up an appointment for you." Burt reached out; gripping his son's good arm, "In the meanwhile, if you need to talk, don't hesitate just because you suddenly view me as fragile, okay."

Kurt closed his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Quit apologizing, I want you to remember who the father is here. I get that you're probably going to be taking care of me for a little while, making sure I eat right and stuff…but I'm still the father, and I don't want you to think I can't do that job anymore."

October 19th, 2010.

The remaineder of the day had gone smoothly; they'd both slept the majority of the day, Burt getting comfortable on the couch, and Kurt sleeping in his father's room. Carole had remained with them a majority of the afternoon, watching over them, making sure they both ate at least a little something.

Burt had done as promised and set up a meeting with Kurt-because of his lack of mobility with the knee brace, Spencer was coming to the house. Kurt had done the best he could in showering and shaving prior to Spencer's arrival, and he looked semi presentable when he answered the door.

"Hey Kurt, how ya feelin?"

Kurt smiled slightly, "Okay…do you mind if we talk out here, dad's sleeping."

"We can talk where you're comfortable."

"Did you want something to drink?" Kurt asked as he brought an afgan out to wrap up in.

"A cup of coffee, and bring yourself something."

Five minutes later Kurt and Spencer were seated on the porch swing, sitting there quietly. Spencer didn't press him, which Kurt really appreciated; he let Kurt prepare himself for whatever they'd tackle for the day. "How long does it last?"

"How long does what last?"

"All of this? The anger I feel, the pain, the fear…the…" He closed his eyes, "The uncontrollable need to put space between myself and everyone else so I can protect myself?"

"Everyone's different, Kurt. I know it's not the answer you want to hear, but it's the right one." He turned slightly to face the teen. Kurt was still sitting, staring out at the street. "But I would like to help you work through that feeling, if you'll let me. Why are you feeling this way today?"

"It's not really just today. It's been since I woke up. I…" Kurt closed his eyes, "I feel like I'm suddenly a huge burden."

"Kurt?"

Kurt took a shaky breath, "I was...I considered killing myself if dad didn't make it." He hadn't wanted to admit it, but he had to say it. "Wrote a letter and everything the minute I got the phone call I'd kill myself."

"Why?"

"I can't do this without him."

"Kurt, son, you would've survived."

Kurt gave a painfully sarcastic laugh. "Survived and living are two different things. I have no one else. Trust me, I would've been dead inside."

"Why are you telling me this now?"

Kurt looked out at the street, "I'm not sucidial anymore at least I don't think I am. Can't say it hasn't ever occurred to me, but I'm so tired of feeling this lost."

"How so?" Spencer was concerned. He knew Kurt was a good kid, and between the immediate need to see him and this conversation, he was a littled worried for Kurt's sanity and life.

"I'm tired of being the only person who's gay in this town and in my school. I'm tired of the abuse and the bullying, I'm tired of watching my father struggle with it like that's his job," Kurt closed his eyes. "I don't want to die. But I can understand why so many kids do." He whispered as he wiped at his cheeks. "But I can't do that, because now someone has to take care of dad, and the garage and I have school."

Spencer reached out, touching Kurt's arm. "Kurt, I need you to slow down for a moment okay, what you're saying it is normal, but it concerns me. When you start talking suicide, I do have to worry."

"Please don't tell my dad."

"You know I can't do that."

Kurt buried his face in his hand, "He can't stress out otherwise he'll have another heart attack."

Spencer sighed slowly, "I have to tell your father, but I can soften the blow if you're willing to make a deal with me."

"Okay," Kurt said lower lip wobbling as he realized he was probably in big trouble now.

"How much have you thought about this?" Kurt closed his eyes and took a shaky breath, he was slightly relieved when Spencer began to rub his back slightly, "Take your time, son, you're safe okay."

"I thought about it right after I woke up but not in depth."

"Okay, so you don't have any plans or anything."

"Not anymore," He whispered, "I don't want to die…but sometimes I'm so overwhelmed."

"All right, we can deal with that. Yes, despite doctor patient confidentiality, I do have to mention this to your father, but I'll let him know that in my honest opinion you are not in immediate danger of doing anything. Here's the deal, you meet with me three times a week, either here or in my office, and if you do get to the point where you feel like you have no other choice, you'll call me immediately."

"Okay," He whispered.

"Good boy," Spencer offered quietly. They sat in silence for several more minutes. "Kurt, this isn't the end of your world; I know it feels like it right now, but it's not. There's still a lot out there for you. Don't let a beautiful flame get put out because people are jerks."

"I know. It's like they're trying to break me…they don't like any of us Gleeks…but me especially."

"Kurt, have you ever reported them."

"What good would that do?"

"More than you think, actually. The government legistlatures are changing daily, thirteen kids have killed themselves recently because of bullying, if you feel in danger, even a little of doing the same thing, then it's their fault and they should be punished by law for that. Not to mention, Kurt they are physically causing you harm-that's a crimel" leaning over he looked at the teen, trying to capture his eyes. "Kurt, I promise you, it does get better son. You just have to hold out a little longer."

"I'm trying," he whispered, tears coursing down his cheeks.

"I know."

They sat there in silence for a long time, Kurt looked at him, "When I think about everything it all feels like I'm being suffocated, how do I manage that?"

"One thing at a time."

"Too easy," Kurt smiled sadly.

Spencer laughed out loud, "Oh yes." He chuckled softly for a few more minutes before he looked at Kurt, "How can we make it more managable?"

"I don't know. I feel like if I did I wouldn't feel this bad."

"You probably would…I think the extreme situations have just made it all that much worse, but you'd still feel overwhelmed."

"What do you suggest?"

"Talking about it is going to do you wonders. You may not think so now, and you're going to cry, and yell and god knows you're gonna be angry. That's okay; you have to get through those stages to heal. But, there are other ways. Your dad can't return to the garage immediately, and your torn between helping him and helping there, what if you trained a couple of your friends this weekend so they could help out in the garage, and then you brought the paperwork home, so you and your father did that in your down time?"

"That could work…I guess."

"I'll talk to his doctor and see if that's possible, that way maybe he doesn't feel as trapped either. As for school, I think it would be best for you to try and go out with your friends at least once a week, it doesn't have to be for long periods of time, but you'll achieve two things that way-first off you'll realize they are sorry and you'll be able to come to terms with all of this. And second off, I think it will help you realize that you aren't as alone as you feel."

"What about dad?"

"As for your father, I think for you to take all the responsibility is unneccessary. You're barely seventeen, you can look after him, but you have things you have to do too. Now Carole is dating him, and if she loves him, it might not hurt to reach out to her and create a schedule that the two of you could work out to make sure both of you are taken care of. In addition, while you're trying to force feed him healthier stuff, I have it on the highest authority that you need to eat a little less healthy and put on a couple pounds."

"But-"

"Find a way Hummel," Spencer joked softly. "You've lost a lot of weight, whether you think so or not is irrelevent. It's important that you put some of that weight back on."

"Okay."

"The main thing I want you to focus on is how you can become calm when you feel overwhelmed. What can you do for yourself that will help with that for awhile?"

"I'm not really sure."

"What do you do know when you get overwhelmed?"

"I sing…sometimes I take hot showers and sometimes I cook."

"All right, so go with those three things, if you feel super overwhelmed and you need to get away immediately and you can, tell whoever that you need to take a break, walk away and take a shower-recognize that it's okay to feel that…since in the shower if you have to." Spencer offered. "But you take time for you."

"Okay." Kurt paused for a little while again, "I talked to an officer and gave my statement."

"How'd that go?"

"Terrible, I relived it…I hate how helpless I feel and felt. The officer said at some point this week I'll probably have to go to the station and pick the guys out of a line up."

"I think you'll be surprised at the peace you'll get from knowing these men are in jail."

"Would you come with me?"

"To the station?" Spencer was surprised by this.

Kurt sighed, "My dad is a hot head sometimes, and I'm worried if he goes…he'll get too upset. I need someone who can stand by me nad help me do this rationally without having a mental meltdown."

"Can't exactly turn that down. Of course I'll go, you tell me when and where and I'll be there."

"Thank you."

Spencer nodded. "Anything else you want to talk about?"

"I have to go back to school on Monday."

"All right, how does that make you feel?"

"Terrified enough that I almost pee myself," Kurt laughed slightly at his joke. Spencer smiled, "I'm afraid that I'll be attacked again, and this time I won't come home-which would kill my dad. I'm afraid to face the rest of my Glee members after…everything."

"Can I ask why?"

"What if they still try to push God, what happens if they say…say this was God's punishmen-"

Spencer felt his heart sink at that moment, "Kurt, God doesn't create this kind of pain, and you said you don't believe in him-stick to that. Don't decide he only exsist to torture you. That's only going to cause you more heartach."

"What if God does hate me?" Kurt whimpered.

"God doesn't hate you, those who follow him and have narrowminds have chosen the path's they did. Don't ever believe for a second that he hates you. God doesn't make mistakes. Whatever you have to do to convince yourself of that, you just keep on doing it."

Kurt gave a small nod. "I'm such a mess, how am I supposed to do this?"

"One day at a time, my friend. One day at a time. Go to school Monday, with your head held high, dressed no different than normal. You show these people that you won't be beaten. That's how you defeat bullies. If your friends offer any kind of protection, take it they only want to help. I'm willing to bet they'll surprise you by how supportative they are."

"I don't want pity though."

"Then tell them that, you be Kurt Hummel. Whoever that is, show them how strong you are."

"I'm not sure I know who Kurt Hummel is anymore."

"Then you may want to find him again. Tell you what, we'll end the session for today, I think you're still tired. I'm going to go talk to your father, make sure he's doing all right as well."

"Okay, I'm going downstairs to get a few things."

"Call if you need help," Spencer offered as they entered the house. He watched the boy hobble down the stairs, and then he looked at the couch, where Burt Hummel was now sitting up, looking exhausted, and a little worried.

"How's he doin' doc?"

Spencer smiled as he took a seat in a chair by the couch. "He's struggling. More so than he lets on. I actually was hoping to talk to you about him for a moment, and check in to make sure you're doing all right."

"I'd be doing better if I was allowed to move." Burt stated simply.

"I can understand that. And we may have a little solution to help you pass the time without losing your mind."

"Okay, so what's concerned you about my kid?"

"Has he ever…mentioned…being suicidal to you?"

Burt's eyes went wide, and suddenly they began to water, "Is…has…" He closed his eyes. "No," He whispered.

Spencer nodded, "I didn't think so. Let me begin with this, he made it pretty clear to me that he doesn't want to die, but that it's something that has crossed his mind more so lately than ever. As his psychologist, while I am stuck to patient doctor confidentiality, I do have to tell you that part, out of concern for his well being."

"My kid wants to off himself," Burt whispered, his eyes burning with tears.

"No, I don't think he does, I think it's crossed his mind. That said, he and I have discussed ways to get around those emotions so he doesn't feel that way. First and foremost he's going to see me three times a week, until he or I decide to slow down a little. Second, he's going to talk to you more, be more open about how he feels and he's going to share some of the burden's he feeling right now. Lastly, he's going to call me if he ever feels that low and I'll immediately come over here-no matter what I'm in the middle of."

Burt took a slow breath, "I'm attempting not to panic-"

"And that's why I'm telling you now having already talked about this with your son. It's serious, Burt. But it's not unheard of. Lots of people consider suicide and turn out to be fine. Kurt is going to be that kid, but I want to get him through this impossible difficult time."

"What can I do?"

"Listen. You may need him to care for you a little right now, but I can't emphasize how serious it is to make sure you hear him out. I have no doubt you do that already, but more than ever, hear your son out. Also, I'm going to talk to your doctor about the possibility of paperwork being brought home from the garage that you two can split, if and when you're up to it, I'd encourage you to do it, might help bring you out of the funk you're likely feeling. Lastly, Carole needs to help if she's really going to consider being your wife one day."

"She has a life of her own-"

"I understand that, and if she wants to keep it her life vs. your life, then let your son handle everything and kill himself. But let me make this clear, that woman says she loves you, and then she needs to help. She doesn't have to do everything, but she can certainly come over once or twice a week and cook dinner while Kurt does his homework so he doesn't flunk."

"I'll talk to her."

"Good."

"You think my son…could kill himself?"

Spencer sighed, "Burt, I've seen kids twice as strong as your son hanging off the end of the rope because of bastards like the ones at his school. Kurt is a damn good kid, and he wants to live, mostly to take care of you. But it is imparative that he gets through these next few months feeling like he has people he can rely on too."

"All right."

The doctor nodded, "Right then, I'm going to get some lunch and head out, you two take care, I'll call tomorrow to set up the next appointment with Kurt. Meanwhile, take care of each other."

"Thanks doc."

Spencer nodded and stood up, making his way out the door. Leaving Burt on the couch, eyes closed and breathing deeply. His child was possibly suicidal, it was a horrific concept that Burt had dreamt of far too many times. He wanted to live now, but how long would that last. How much did Kurt have to suffer through before he decided it wasn't worth it anymore?

"Dad?" A soft voice, speak of the devil, brought him from his thoughts.

Burt smiled at his son, "Hey kiddo, come here," He whispered. The two sat on the couch together.

"Spencer told you didn't he?"

"He has to kid."

"I know…I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment."

Burt closed his eyes and pressed his lips to his son's temple. "Don't ever think you are a disappointment to me, son. You are anything but. I'm so proud of the boy you've become and how much you've survived. You just keep being my beautiful Kurt, okay?"

Kurt nodded and leaned his head against his father's shoulder. "I love you dad."

"I love you too buddy." He leaned his own head against Kurt's and sighed, for now, he'd be content that his son wanted to live for him, because maybe it gave Kurt one thing to focus on.