Chapter Seventeen
Kurt did surprisingly well for having a panic attack earlier that day. He'd had an initial hint of concern when they entered the resteraunt because it had been busy, but Noah had smiled at the hostess-an old friend of his, and requested a quiet table in a corner.
They had a quiet evening together, they were half way through dinner when Kurt received a text from his therapist 'Need anything?"
He smiled and quickly texted back 'I'm good for now, thanks though.' He wasn't great, wasn't even perfect wasn't sure if and when he would be. But he was better, and that was enough right now.
"So suspended?"
Noah nodded, "Unfortunately it means no Glee for two weeks…which you know blows. But Figgins says the only reason I wasn't expelled was because I was defending another student…and while fighting shoulder never be condoned, the deed was still noble or somethin'."
"That does blow," Kurt replied quietly.
"Well, supposedly that Sam kid is finally joinin', he seems cool."
"I think he swings for my team," Kurt offered quietly.
Puck's eyebrows narrowed, "Really? You sure…he didn't strike me as a flamer."
"Hey!" Kurt growled, though only playfully.
"Dude, come on!" Puck stated grinning. "The point is, don't get your hopes up on that one. Besides, you're taken now."
Kurt rolled his eyes, "I know," He replied shrugging, "But it'd be nice not to be the only one anymore."
Noah looked at him, "That bothers you doesn't it, you aren't alone Kurt."
"I know…sometimes…" He smiled "Can we talk about something fun, this conversation is kind of a downer."
Noah smiled, "Of course. All the same, sorry I got kicked out of school when you needed someone."
"It's cool, you're mom's gonna kill you though after everything." Kurt smiled as Noah shrugged, but he quickly pushed forward, "Why did you hit him?"
"He was gonna hurt you, isn't that reason enough?"
"I guess….but a single punch would've done it-"
Noah closed his eyes and sighed, "Look Hummel…" Pausing he studied the boy, "I don't really wanna talk about this in public. Are you done, can we maybe…talk somewhere private?"
Kurt nodded, smiling as they paid their bill and headed out of the resteraunt. To his surprise, Noah drove to a small outlook area, it wasn't large and it looked like it had been an old drive in movie. Kurt looked over at Noah as he sat there quietly, "You…everything okay?"
"I exploded today because I haven't been sleeping well lately. Can I be honest with you about something…if you promise not to freak out?"
"I can promise to try not to freak out." Kurt offered quietly, concern for his boyfriend mounting.
Noah looked at the steering wheel, staring heavily into the horn as though he weren't in the car anymore. "I came to the church that morning to pick you up-I know Mercedes was going to drive you…but something told me I needed to be there. So I came…and when I saw Merecedes talking and you nowhere to be seen…I got very nervous." He closed his eyes, the memories flashing through his mind, "Kurt there was blood everywhere…you were so…" He felt his breath begin to quicken, "You were dead…" He took a sahky lung full of air, "I was so angry…and…and scared. I was drenched from head to toe in your blood, and then we were in the waiting room and I exploded again…at the Glee club because…" He shook his head, "I can't get the image out of my mind. I keep trying but all I see is you lying there dead and I keep thinking I've lost my shot, he's gone and now I have to live without him…"
Kurt reached out, placing a tenantive hand on Noah's leg, which drew the boy's attention from his memories. "I am here, and I am alive. You didn't lose me Noah. I'm not going anywhere."
"I'm sorry," Noah whispered and for the first time in Kurt's memory he got to be the shoulder someone cried on as he held Noah.
It was some twenty minutes later after a little more talk, that Kurt realized it was almost ten, "I should get home," He offered quietly. Noah nodded and started the car. When they pulled up to the front of the house, it was only a little after ten, but the living room light was still on. Kurt looked at Noah and smiled, "Thanks for a good night."
"Sorry for loosing it," He offered quietly.
"You're not invincible Puckerman, don't force yourself into that. Really, thank you."
Noah nodded, smiling as Kurt gave him a quick kiss and then got out of the car. Noah watched him all the way to the door, before sighing and leaning his head against the steering wheel.
Kurt smiled as he stepped into the house. "You're late," Burt Hummel's voice echoed from the living room.
Kurt rolled his eyes, "Yeah by five minutes," He stated as he stepped into the living room. His father wasn't mad at him, he was grinning as he lay sprawled on the couch. "I hope you're resting."
"Haven't moved an inch since Carole left. How was your date?" He asked grinning as his son took a seat on the chair next to the couch.
"Dad-"
"What, I'm supporting, seriously, how'd it go?"
"Fine." He stated.
Burt nodded, "Oh come on," He whined. "Where did you go, what did you do?"
"He took me to breadsticks, we talked…and then we talked some more."
"Sounds very…simple for Puckerman's tastes."
Kurt shrugged, not willing to divulge that Noah was suffering after everything as well. "Yeah, but it was kind of nice."
"Good. You need to talk or anything?"
"About?"
Burt rolled his eyes, "I don't know about today, the panic attack, anything that's on your mind kiddo?"
"Are you implying something? Do I need to be worried?"
"No, but sometimes I worry about you. I just wanna make sure everything is okay, or at least not terrible."
Kurt looked at him, "This isn't about that suicide thing is it, because I told you I wasn't acutally going to do it."
Burt took a deep breath and began to shift, his son tried to stop him almost immediately, "No, come here," He stated as he sat all the way up, letting his son join him on the couch. "Kurt, suicide is kind of a big deal."
"No really," Kurt couldn't resist.
His father sighed, "Listen up for a moment. The basic fact is that…I worry about you Kurt, I have since the day your mom told me she was pregnant with you. It's a father's perogative to worry about you. And while lots of teens who are stressed or worried about stuff may have it flit across their mind from time to time, thinking about it...doesn't make parents very comfortable, because they worried they're doing something wrong. I know that you get lonely, and scared and lots of other emotions that can't even be described, but that doesn't mean you have to go at this alone."
"I'm fine dad, really."
"No you aren't, Kurt. And no one says you have to be, I simply want to make sure that you're good enough that I shouldn't expect the worse in a month or two from now."
"Sometimes…" Kurt took a deep breath, he hated feeling this cornered into being open. But it was his father, the problem was lately he felt a mixture of wanting to be around his father and wanting to be as far away from him as possible. "Sometimes I get overwhelmed."
"Why don't you talk to me about it?" Burt asked softly.
Kurt sighed and closed his eyes, "Dad-"
"Kurt, I'm your father, I get that you're trying to do that independent teenager thing, and I do understand you wanting to not discuss everything, but Kurt there are some things I need you to tell me you're going through." When Kurt didn't look at him or seem to understand, he continued.
"I can deal-"
"No you can't," Burt was getting frustrated, he wasn't supposed to stress after everything he'd been through, but damn it if his kid couldn't try the patience of a saint some days. "No Kurt, you're sixteen years old-"
"Dad you're stre-"
"Listen to me," Burt stated, shaking his son weakly, "How do you think that makes me feel? Huh, how do you think I feel when you don't tell me what you go through? I'm all for you trying to handle things on your own, but when you don't come to me, it makes me feel like I'm a bad father who can't take care of myself."
"Dad that's not-"
"I realize that isn't the point, but that's how I feel. How do you think I feel, how Carole would feel if we came home one day and found you dead-" Burt's eyes began to grow damp, he looked at his son and shook his head. "Sometimes you're so damn stubborn." He huffed.
Kurt looked at him, eyes watering, he shook slightly at his father's words. "Dad I-"
"No, you expect me to be able to trust you, how am I supposed to do that when you can't trust me to talk about stuff to?" He was trying to keep his voice even.
Kurt felt his heart quickening again, he slammed his eyes shut, "I…" Shaking his head he stood, suddenly afraid he was going to cause his father more pain. He turned on his heel and ran out the door. Jumping into his SUV he quickly pulled out of the driveway, tears clouding his vision.
Burt sighe das he leaned back against the couch, boy did he suck at being a father or at least he felt like it.
Kurt didn't know where he'd ended up until he arrived in front of Noah's house, it had started to rain, Kurt quickly threw his car door opened and headed to the front door, hands shoved in his pockets. He knocked on the door, beginning to feel cold and stupid for the way he'd acted towards his father. His mind began to race what if his father had another heart attack-
The door swung open and Noah stood before him with no shirt, "You're drenched," He grabbed the boy and pulled him inside. He paded into the living room grabbing a towel from the couch and wrapping it around the teen, "I just left you and you were fine, you're crying, what happened?"
Kurt shook his head, "I'm sorry, I…I just needed to get out."
"Okay," Noah offered as he guided Kurt to the kitchen and sat him down. He opened a cupboard over the fridge pulling out a small bottle of vodka, he poured a little in a glass and handed it to Kurt.
"What?"
"Just drink it, it might calm your nerves a little."
Kurt looked at him skeptically and threw it back, grimacing and coughing at the burn. He felt it burn it's way through his body, warming him slightly.
"I'm sorry," He whispered, "I should call dad-we…we were arguging."
"I'll call him now," Noah offered, "You sit here and dry off a little okay?'
Noah headed back into the living room, the call was quick and prompt, Noah promised to bring his boyfriend back soon. He padded back into the kitchen where Kurt was crying a little, but looked a little better. "What happened?"
"Wanna talk about why you decided to drive here in a monsoon?"
Kurt gave a noncommittal shrug. "Dad and I started talking, and he's worried about me…and I…I've contemplated suicide, and he was afraid that I'm hiding too much from him and it all just happened at once and I got upset and-."
"Hey," Noah offered quietly, "Take a deep breath, your dad isn't here right now, you aren't in trouble, just talk to me."
"I'm scared Noah."
"Of what?"
Kurt gave a terrified chuckle, "What am I not afraid of, I'm scared if I step one toe out of line, dad's gonna have a heart attack and won't survive, I'm afarid I'm going to die…"
"Did you tell him that?"
"No."
"Chicken," Puck joked as Kurt shoved him for it. "Look Hum-Kurt, the only way you're going to get through this is if you come clean to your dad. It's pretty much been an impossibly rough four weeks and I think you're putting a lot of stress on yourself. While your father may still be weak after this, he's not dead, and he's definitely not a weak person."
"What if I am?"
Noah gave him a 'duh' look. "Kurt you're the only guy I know who goes through dumpster dives, swirlies, and gets the crap beat out of him every day and bounces back snappier than ever. You aren't weak dude."
"Don't call me dude."
Puck chuckled softly, "Give yourself a break Kurt, tell you what, the rain's let up a bit, I'll drive you home, maybe you can talk to your dad about what's really got you so upset."
"You know what the worst part about the last month has been?"
"Hmm?"
"I've never felt so alone or helpless. I'm always the one in control, but I felt like I was spiraling more and more out of control and up until you asked, no one even seemed to…notice or care. They were all more concerned about converting me rather than…than asking me how I was coping, if I needed a huge, whether I was eating, sleeping, where I was living…how I was handling my…" He closed his eyes, "The assult. No one came to visit but you and dad and occasionally Carole."
"I think we've all gotten so used to you being this independent guy who can take care of himself that none of really considered if you actually could."
"I can't…and it terrifies me, I want to think I'm so mature and adult…but…"
"You're just a kid?"
"Yeah." He was mildly surprised when Noah wrapped an arm around his shoulder. Pulling the boy closer, Noah leaned his head against Kurt's. "I'm scared." He murmured. "Scared that dad's gonna die and I'm going to be left alone. I'll have no one Noah…"
"You'll have me, and mom and Lil."
"I know," He whispered. "But dad…"
"He's your dad. Believe me dude, I get it."
o0o
It was nearing eleven when Noah showed up with Kurt. Burt answered the door and gave a short smile, "Hi Noah," He greeted softly.
"Hey Mr. H, I'll see you later Kurt," Noah said quietly, patting his friend on the back he headed back to his truck.
"You didn't drive the Navigator?"
Kurt shrugged as he stepped into the house, "Noah was worried I wasn't well enough to drive back. Said he'd bring it to school tomorrow and let me give him a ride home…"
Burt nodded, appreciating Noah's gestures. He looked at his son, "So…you all right?"
Kurt stepped into the kitchen, not really sure how to begin, "Honestly no." Kurt replied softly. Burt remained silent for a moment as he sat down in the kitchen chair.
"Want to talk?" Burt's question was simple and while Kurt wasn't sure he was ready, he honestly did want to.
Taking a seat opposite his father at the table, he took a slow breath, "I'm…I'm going to try and open up…but please don't stop me because I'm honestly not sure I have what it takes to say all of this twice." Burt nodded, remaining silent, so Kurt continued "I haven't slept longer than two hours for the past three weeks because every time I close my eyes I dream that you're gone…or that something bad happens to me before you wake up…or I dream about our argument and that those will be the last words I ever said to you. I can't eat because I constantly feel sick over what I said, and guilty that I'm not doing enough to make your life easy, and I feel guilty that you had the heart attack in the first place. I can't focus on my studies because I'm terrified when I'm at school you'll die, I'm afraid you're really still in the coma and that this is all a dream…I'm scared that one morning I'll wake up to find you dead in bed or in the chair-or at work and that there won't be any comas this time…just a funeral and I'm terrified to be alone now," Kurt felt the tears on his cheeks over his words, but he pushed forward, if he didn't get it all out now he probably never would. "I'm so scared that maybe you got lucky this time but what about next time? I'm scared of everything now, cars, planes, hospitals, I'm scared that you're going to be gone and I won't have spent enough time with you to make it really worth it. I'm so afraid to be without you, that I'm physically sick. And I got into the pattern of doing everything around the house and the shop because it was the only way to really get my mind off of it, but even then I was terrified you wouldn't ever be around to help me again. I'm so scared I'm going to be hurt or killed and then you'll die, I'm so afraid that I'm going to be hurt or…or raped and I don't wanna die and I've gotten so used to worrying, now I can't seem to stop, and it's killing me dad," His final words were sobbed out.
Burt gently pulled his son by the elbow until the boy was curled against his side. He then wrapped both his arms around his son. And Kurt cried, rubbing the boy's back he whispered in to his son gently, "Just cry son." He murmured as he rocked him back and forth. "Let it out."
Burt gently ran his hands through the normally perfectly coiffed hair. "It's okay son."
After a few sniffles, Kurt straightened slightly and sighed weakly, "I'm sorry." He whispered.
Burt shook his head, "No, don't apologize, your fears are valid, Kurt. Want to hear what scares me?"
Kurt looked at his father for a long moment and gave a slow nod. "I've never been more scared when they told me you'd been…the victim of a hate crime, that you may never wake up and then when you got sick….I'm afraid that you'll be killed at school or after, I'm always so afraid to watch you walk out that door, thinking maybe this will be the day you don't come home. I'm scared that while I'm a good dad, that maybe I'm not good enough. The heart attack scared me Kurt, more than I'm willing to admit, it's one thing when I get hurt on the job, or cut myself or something like that, even a car accident there is some fault to that…but this was my own body…rebelling against me."
Kurt was almost disturbed how shaken his father looked. "I made a pact a long time ago, Kurt. I'll do everything in my power to make sure you're never left alone. When your mother died there was only one option for me, and that was make sure you were always taken care of. I'm so sorry you had to go through all this pain son."
He reached blindly, wrapping his arms around his father's neck. Burt wrapped his own arms around his son's torso, holding him for a long time, and while Burt didn't believe in God, and didn't always believe in Heaven, he said a silent thanks to whoever or whatever was listening for the amazing boy he held in his arms. Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, Burt felt reassured for the first time in a long time, he felt like maybe they'd be back to normal again.