This is not an actual journal for any of the people listed here. Nor will it ever be. This is a journal for my muses.
The people you'll see here include Amazing Red, James Storm, Haylee Jacobs [OC], Frankie Kazarian, Trent Barreta, Tina Corino [OC], Sierra Hickenbottom [OC], Rydell Borden [OC], Scotty Rechsteiner [OC], Alex Shelley, Evan Bourne, Danielle Brooks [OC], Ariana Hart [OC], Regina Ellington [OC], Jayden Black [OC], Crimson, Edge, Cody Rhodes, and probably others I can't remember.
January 27, 2012
I've hit a dark spot in my life, a spot that at night I wonder if I'm ever going to pull myself back out of it. I guess it's my own fault for screwing up so badly, but at the time, I wasn't thinking. I guess knowing that the head boss man doesn't like you wasn't enough for me; I had to go fuck things up even more.
I can handle losing my career, I can find work anywhere, I can handle losing my friends, I've got more that can look past the fact that I did drugs once. I can't handle them taking my boyfriend away from me. That…that shatters what's left of my confidence, my reality.
Jack and I haven't been together long, but we've known each other for a really long time. We met when I debuted, I was backstage after Kofi had left me so I could go get changed. We were going to go get to know each other better after our match, that's when I ran into Jack. I was in the locker room and he came in to introduce himself. I don't even really remember what happened. I just remember he was somehow down on his knees helping me change, and he was taking off my pants. He stopped and ran after placing a series of kisses to my stomach and hips. I don't even know why he did that, but damn did it send the rest of me into frenzy.
We were always together after that, whether it was traveling together, secretly of course, or competing in the ring. I still recall how turned on I was the first time he did pushups on me in the ring with his hands splayed on my ass. That's when I realized I had to have this man as more than just a friend. Too bad I didn't do anything about those feelings at the time.
I had dated other guys instead, always sleeping around and fucking guys that never once cared about me like Jack did. I kept trying to prove to myself that I didn't need someone that loved me; I just needed someone to fulfill my needs. Name anyone on the roster at work and I've probably slept with them, or got down on my knees for them in the locker room. I guess it's not surprising that I became the locker room whore pretty fast. Still am to a certain extent but not as bad. Someone else took my position, poor them. Now I only get down on my knees for Jack.
I remember the first time we kissed. It was right before a match we were going to have together. He came in to ask me about my match, asked me who I was going against. We got really close, and at some point he asked if I wanted a kiss, then we kissed. It was like the entire world stopped around us, and it was just us. I know that's cheesy, but that's how I felt. I completely forgot about our match until we broke apart for air. His face was so flustered, and I still remember how out of breath I was. It was magical, and then I realized I truly wanted that man.
And then, then there was the one time I had got down on my knees for him for the first time. It was after I had broken up with my last boyfriend. He came into the locker room to talk, and somehow we started talking about my ass. He was admiring it, and I couldn't blame him. I got a nice ass. Anyways, somehow I ended up on my knees and sucking him off right there in the locker room. Those soft sounds spewing from his mouth were beautiful, and stuck with me for the rest of the night as he left to work, I didn't care about work after that. I just wanted him back and to have him like that again.
It wasn't long after that that we slept together. He was so different compared to the boys I've been with. He was soft and tender where necessary but he was so powerful and strong at the same time. I remember seeing stars that night as we made love for the first time; I still remember the screams that escaped my mouth. No one had ever made me scream out of pleasure and not pain before.
And now, now I sit alone at home in the dark. It's just like how I've been left before by others. I'm wrapped up tight in one of his sweaters, the smell of his cologne still on the material. I had been traveling with him, but I got caught. I got told if I didn't leave right then, I wouldn't be able to come back to work ever again. I remember how hard I cried, how much I clung to Jack. He took me to the airport and I left, I came back home. I've been in this spot on my bed for the past…three days now. I haven't slept much, I haven't really eaten, and I haven't spoken to anyone. I've become a hermit, and it's my entire fault.
He's due here today or tomorrow for the big show, here being St. Louis. Yeah, I'm hiding at home with my parents, hiding in my old bedroom. I know they've told him I'm here, but I don't care. I'm a hermit, and that's all I'm going to be. I don't need him, I don't need anyone.
I've fucked up everything, and I'm going to lose everything.
Evan Bourne