AN: Special Thanks to greatest BETA ALIVE: Dorme99... she beats me up, threatens to tie me down in front of a computer screen, and can edit a chapter in under 24 hours! You're the best thing since SLICE BREAD WOMAN! Did I mention she's also has her own story going on too? HATS OFF and **3 Cheers to you** XOXO, JS
**WARNING: This chapter has drug and alcohol use by underage characters. I am not in support or glorfying such activities in this story... as you see at the end there are consequences for you're actions. This topic is also a bit dark/angst so ... if that bothers you ...exit now... no hard feelings**
Seth's Prologue: A Wasted Youth
"Yeah but nobody searches
Nobody cares somehow
When the loving that you've wasted
Comes raining from a hapless cloud
And I might stop and look upon your face
Disappear in the sweet, sweet gaze
See the living that surrounds me
Dissipate in a violet place
Can't you see what you've done to my heart
And soul?
This is a wasteland now
We spies
We slow hands
Put the weights all around yourself
We spies
Oh yeah we slow hands
You put the weights all around yourself now
I submit my incentive is romance
I watched the pole dance of the stars
We rejoice because the hurting is so painless
From the distance of passing cars
But I am married to your charms & grace
I just go crazy like the good old days
You make me want to pick up a guitar
And celebrate the myriad ways that I love you.."
-Interpol, "Slow Hands"
Seth had always been influenced by music. Even here at the twilight of his life he still loved music. As he lay in bed, Seth rolled over and watched Bella's sleeping form. He still loved watching her sleep after all this time.
All of sudden, Seth felt his heartbeat become erratic, his body went into a cold sweat. Frantically, he dashed out of bed and into the bathroom. Immediately, Seth locked the door as he reached over to start the water in the shower.
Once his clothes were in a pile on the floor, Seth hopped inside the shower in an effort to calm his nerves. He let out a deep sigh as his mind started to wander. Life shouldn't be this hard.
Instead of being locked in his bathroom trying to calm his body and mind down, Seth really desired to be back in bed with Bella. At this point in their lives, Seth should've been asking Bella to marry him; however, that would never happen for them now.
When Seth got his breathing under control, he exited the shower then proceeded to wrap a towel around his waist before he entered the bedroom. Seth crept quietly past Bella's sleeping form; he couldn't help pausing for a moment to gaze at her beauty.
Seth was attempting to commit everything about Bella's beautiful features to memory.
After he pulled on a pair of boxers, Seth slid into bed beside Bella without waking her up. His hand started to shake a little as he reached over to brush the wisp of hair from her porcelain face.
As he gazed at her rosy, perfect bowed lips, Bella sighed which allowed them to part. Seth could only imagine what it would be like to lean in and kiss her. If he was of a sound body and mind, Seth would've woken her up by making love to her.
He took a deep breath as his heart filled with regret because this was entirely his fault. Seth's unhappiness was his own design, and now the future he'd planned for Bells was forever lost.
Flashback: Bella and Seth are in the Fourth Grade
Seth had been watching the new girl all week. He couldn't help looking at her because she was so breathtakingly beautiful but sad at the same time. She sat in the back row as a way to separate herself from everyone else.
Even at his young age, Seth knew what nervousness looked like from watching the way his mother responded to his father. The new girl whose name was Bella Swan clearly had issues, but Seth found comfort in that since he hoped they could be best friends.
However, Seth took his time to work up to being close to her. Every day he tried to make Bella fill included with a kind word, or smile. As time pasted, Seth realized that he wanted Bella as more than just a best friend.
Seth went to his older sister Leah for advice and of course, she laughed at him before she told him how to win Bella over. Leah suggested since Valentine's Day was around the corner that he should make her something special. He smiled and agreed since Leah even offered to help him.
On the other hand, Bella was extremely shy but she was also mature for her age. She had to learn to fend for herself because of the flighty tendencies of her mother, Renee. Bella stayed away from everyone in an effort to avoid all the unpleasant rumors that were floating around about her mother. Especially, when her father Charlie suddenly disappeared without a trace.
So, Bella resolved to come to school everyday on time. She turned in all her assignments, but she was suffering in silence.
In fact, Bella's only comfort was the timid smiles from her classmate Seth. Sometimes he'd even eat lunch with her or be her partner for a class project. Bella enjoyed his company but she knew their worlds didn't mix.
When Valentine's Day arrived, Seth practically ran to school. Leah teased him the entire night before for being pressed to give Bella a bunch of candy and a card. Seth ignored his sister, he had no problem admitting the way he felt about Bella was serious.
Unbeknownst to Leah, Seth had been saving his allowance to buy Bella a guardian angel pendant. He knew her birthday was in September so the angel was holding her birthstone. Seth rubbed his thumb across the sapphire stone with a satisfied smile on his dace before he placed it inside the gift bag for Bella.
Bella was dreading this day more then any other holiday during the school year because if you didn't get anything for Valentine's Day, you couldn't help but feel unloved. In the end, she did receive a card from her teacher and Seth had given her a card that said to meet him after school on the playground.
"Seth I appreciate you giving me a card today, but I don't think we should be friends. We're from different sides of the track and because you've been so kind to me I don't want you to sully your family's good name by associating with me."
She spoke in her soft timid voice while Bella peered at her shoes, clearly refusing to look Seth in the eyes. Seth smiled at her as he saw her cheeks become flushed. His hand reached out to caress the apple shape of her cheeks before he could stop himself.
Seth stepped closer to her and raised Bella's head so that they could stare into each other's eyes. Leah looked from across the street with the biggest grin on her face. Her baby brother was growing up so fast.
As Seth lowered his hand from her face, he intertwined his fingers with hers. He even pulled their joined hands to his lips so that he could place a soft kiss on the back of her palm before he spoke the words that changed everything for Bella's lonely life.
"Bells, I'll always be here for you, always. From this moment on nothing or no one will keep me away from you. Will you be my Valentine and my best friend," Seth asked with a bright smile on his face.
Bella smiled back at Seth. She hadn't heard someone call her Bells since her father up and disappeared. She pulled him into a hug because Bella thought this was the beginning of her fairytale.
Furthermore, she thought they would be together forever. Bella thought Seth was her future as he gave her the gift bag full of candy and the pendant.
Now, that Leah could see that Seth hadn't been rejected. Leah ran across the street to meet them. As they walked Bella home, Seth kept stealing shy glances of Bells. He thought of her as if she was the sun and the stars in his sky.
Flashback: Bella and Seth Are In the Seventh Grade
As time went on,Seth and Leah's home life started to implode all around him. The cracks rose to the surface slowly but it was too much for Seth to take. He always had Bella to lean on. Bella attempted to hold all of Seth's pieces together but it was becoming too much for either one of them to bear.
Eventually, they decided to try alcohol as a form of escaping the world together. They started out scoring beer from older kids around LaPush and Forks. Then as the tolerance grew they tried harder liquor.
Seth didn't care if it was dark or light as long as he got wasted. Bella went along with it because she never wanted Seth to be alone in time of happiness or sorrow. They were able to keep the secret from their parents and for a long time no one suspected anything.
One day, Seth scored some of Leah's cigarettes and offered them to Bella. Bella shrugged and then that became part of their rotation as well. Seth reasoned poisoning his body with foreign substances was away for him to silently give his parents the middle finger.
Looking back on their situation, Seth would later regret his actions. Every day, for the rest of his life he wished that he could go back and time; and Seth desperately wished he never took a sip of alcohol.
If he would have been sober, Seth wouldn't be trapped in a prison of shame and regret. Seth wanted to believe that in a world where he was free of parents, depression, and drugs, Bella and Seth would of had a wonderful life together, but within a year he fucked that all up too.
Flashback: Bella and Seth Eighth Grade Thru Sophomore Year of High School
Seth thought his life had hit bottom before, but this was an all time low. The first thing to fall apart was the Clearwater family, which sent him spiraling out of control and in right into the arms of Emma.
Emma came out of nowhere as far as Bella was concerned. She often told Seth that Emma was like a modern day Lolita. However, Seth took Bella's opinion with a grain of salt.
He thought Emma was exciting and fun, because she opened his mind to new heights as well as addictions. Places that Bella didn't want to go. She was too focused on the future and didn't want to risk not getting a scholarship out of Washington State.
They had argument after argument in regards to Seth's budding friendship with Emma. Bella in a lot ways felt that Seth was cheating on her. As Bella and Seth grew up, no one ever questioned them about their relationship status; however, most people just assumed that they were in fact a couple.
Naturally, the rumor mill began to churn when Seth and Emma's various deviant behavior became public knowledge. Bella hated Emma with every fiber of her being. Eventually, she confronted Seth about it once and for all.
"Dammit, Seth! Emma is a waste of space! She's bringing you down, Seth! I know what it feels like to lose someone close to you. You know that already," Bells paused and stepped closer as she embraced Seth in a tight hug.
Seth hated seeing Bells angry but at the same time, he wasn't ready to walk away from Emma. Sure Emma got him in trouble and didn't have any plans for the future. However, that's what he loved about Emma, she was free in all the ways Seth wanted to be right now.
Since Seth was holding onto Bella in a romantic way, she felt safe to continue speaking her mind about Emma. She pulled back slightly so that they could gaze into each other's deep brown eyes.
"Listen, Birdman, I don't want to fight with you especially over Emma. I just worry about you. I know you're broken hearted right now with your father passing, and then your sister running away. However, Birdman I'm here for you, always but I need you to choose me over her. I love you, Seth with all my heart."
The lump in his throat felt like it weighed a ton. Seth stared into Bella's shinning eyes. She clearly was on the verge of crying. Not to mention Bells pulled out the big guns by calling Seth her pet name for him.
Seth felt like shit right now because Bells was more than enough for him. Truth be told she was all he wanted in his sad and miserable life right now. At the same time, he loved her to the point that he could set her free if need be.
He leaned over to place a soft kiss on Bells' forehead as Seth breathed her scent deep in his lungs as he made the choice. The large portion of his heart died in that moment when he chose to put his undying love for Bella aside.
Even if he'd decided to leave Emma alone, Seth just didn't see himself living the kind of life he once pictured with Bella. He took a deep breath and talked himself into believing the best thing to do would be to set Bella free.
Breaking up with Bella sent Seth spiraling further out of control, living in Emma's world meant everything was a twenty-four hour party. They took pills to get out of bed in the morning. They took pills to go to bed at night.
Finally, Sue couldn't take Seth's behavior any longer so she kicked him out of the house. Emma being a runaway had her own place so he simply moved in with her. Soon after the change in address, Seth was expelled from school.
However, Seth didn't care. All he thought about was where his next fix would come from. Nothing else mattered anymore, but one night while he laid in a drunken stupor, Bella's face filled his mind.
Suddenly, he needed to see her right away. Emma was out so Seth decided to take a shower and sneak into Bella's room.
Once he arrived, all he could do was gaze at her sleeping face. She had always been beautiful. She looked like Sleeping Beauty or Snow White laying there with her lips parted.
Bella's creamy porcelain skin was flushed which caused Seth's pulse to race. Seth knew he still loved Bells, but he didn't see a way to make it work anymore. He no longer felt worthy of her love and devotion.
Seth couldn't help himself as he climbed into her bed. He just wanted to imagine a life with her. As soon as he lay in the bed beside Bells, his body relaxed. Bells subconsciously moved closer to him too. They laid there for what felt like hours to Seth in his intoxicated state. Out of nowhere, Bella started talking in her sleep.
"Seth, please come back home to me. Seth, can't you see what you do to my heart and soul? I love you, Seth. I need you in my life because you're my best friend," Bella whispered softly but the words seemed to fill up the entire room.
All of sudden, Seth wrapped his arms around her, they both sighed and he felt like even in her sleep Bella knew he was there. Seth even leaned down to kiss her forehead as he whispered softly into her hair, "Bella, I hope you'll forgive me. I promise that I'll change for you. I'll go to rehab in the morning, because I love you, too."
However, Bella was sleeping so her thoughts were swirling together randomly. In her vulnerable and unconscious state, Bella blurted out the words that condemned Seth forever.
A smile graced her features as she murmured in her sleep, "I don't understand...you don't know me at all. Why would you love me, Jake?"
Seth's hold on Bella loosened when he heard that name slip out of her mouth. He mentally rolled his eyes because Jacob had left this god-forsaken place years ago. Of course, Bella would be like all the other girls in town and secretly pine after him.
He jumped out of her bed clearly upset for no rational reason. Seth quickly dashed out of her window without even giving Bella a backwards glance. However, Seth was determined to be sober.
Even if Bella no longer wanted him, he wanted to be free of the demons that haunted him. Seth still had Emma, so he reasoned they could start a life together. A life filled with love and sobriety.
Flashback: Bella and Seth Junior Year in High School
Somehow, Seth and Emma had managed to beat the odds. They went to rehab, then to a sober living community, and were fully committed to sobriety. Seth's mother was excited to have her son back in her life.
Emma unfortunately wasn't being faithful to Seth or their shared sobriety. She was using occasionally, and even sleeping around with other men. For unknown reasons Emma just had the natural compulsion to make life hell for Seth.
In spite of their troubled past, Seth couldn't find the strength to walk away from her. They both ended up with their GED's instead of enrolling back into high school. Bella and Seth began the process of repairing their friendship.
However, it was clear that they both desired more from each other. Seth denied the fact that he still loved Bella when Emma would question his feelings for her. When Emma came home crying on that fateful day. On November 6, 2009, Emma came home crying and shared news that finally killed his soul for good.
"Emma, what the hell do you mean? How sick are you? I need details! What exactly are you trying to tell me," Seth screamed at Emma because she was being evasive as usual.
Emma literally was shaking as she paced the floor of their bedroom. She was unsure of how to tell him this kind of news. How do you tell someone, they're dying?
"Seth, I went to clinic because I wasn't feeling well. I went to have an STD test, which included screening for HIV/AIDS. I'm so sorry but this time my AIDS test came back positive."
She immediately dropped to her knees in front of Seth as tears streamed down her face. Seth was furious. This meant that either she wasn't following through with her sobriety, or Emma was sleeping around.
Seth felt like his whole body was on fire as he began to yell at her.
"Get the fuck out of my house, Emma. Get the hell out of my life you fucking whore! I knew it! I knew you were lying about being clean, but I loved you so much that I just prayed I was wrong. I gave up everything for you! I gave up her for you!"
Seth walked away to leave Emma crying on the bedroom floor. Emma disappeared sometime in the night but she left a copy of her test results for Seth. Two weeks later, Seth was confirmed HIV positive.
He moved back home, but never told anyone of his illness. Bella and Seth friendship re-bloomed. They were inseparable again. However, Seth maintained a friendly distance. Seth wouldn't take the chance of killing his beloved beauty too.
So this was the hell that Seth imprisoned himself in. As he watched Bella sleep in his bed, all he could do was fantasize about their life together. At least they were together again, but Seth would die regretting his wasted youth.