15
Conversations
…
The night stretched on forever. Ichigo found himself waking up again, this time to a strange feeling welling up in his chest. He opened his eyes in time to see Toshiro stirring. The feeling, he realized, must have been the boy's reiatsu.
Toshiro sat up in a daze. He looked around him. "Where…?"
Ichigo grabbed the glass of water he'd left on the side table. He put it in front of Toshiro. "Thirsty?"
"Kurosaki?" Toshiro asked.
Ichigo laughed quietly and motioned to the floor. "Yeah, which one?"
The boy cringed. "Why?"
"You scared the life out of everyone with that little stunt," Ichigo informed. "We were all worried sick."
"I apologize for earlier," Toshiro said. "I don't know what came over me."
"Don't worry about it," Ichigo said. "I doubt your brain could take any more stress."
"What time is it?" the small captain wondered.
"About four in the morning. You've been out since yesterday." Ichigo watched the boy carefully. "Come on. Let's go into the kitchen so that we don't wake them up. Maybe not Yuzu, but Karin would be ready to kill the first person to interrupt her sleep."
Toshiro nodded and followed the older boy out of the room. Once they were safely out of the danger zone, Ichigo asked, "Want anything to eat?"
Toshiro shook his head, eyes fixed on the floor.
"Yeah, thought not," Ichigo mumbled. He took a seat at the table, motioning Toshiro to do the same. "You want to talk about it?"
"There's nothing to say," Toshiro grumbled. "After all, this is the way it's supposed to be, right? Shinigami slay Hollows and purify their souls so that they can go to Soul Society. To think otherwise is to be naïve."
"I don't know," Ichigo said. "Is it always the right way?"
"What do you mean?" Toshiro asked.
Ichigo shrugged. "The Vizards never get crap for it. They're part Hollow."
"But they're still mostly Shinigami," Toshiro defended.
Ichigo raised an eyebrow. "Eh, not always. We have to fight back the Hollow side."
"So what does this have to do with the Arrancar?"
"They're like the Vizards; walking on the line." Ichigo scratched his head. "Yeah, I guess it's probably less preferable to being a full Shinigami or a pure soul where you don't have to fight off some insane monster inside you, but it's not like they can help it. All things considered, they've been pretty tame."
Toshiro furrowed his brow. "Your logic is severely twisted."
"Is not!" Ichigo protested. "I'm just speaking from another perspective."
"So the message you're trying to get across," Toshiro concluded, "is that not everything is black and white. That the Vizards are a light gray and the Arrancar are a darker shade?"
Ichigo scratched his head. "If you want to make an analogy, sure."
"And how does this help?"
"I just don't want you to end up remembering Ulquiorra as bad because he was part Hollow," Ichigo responded.
"I don't think I could," Toshiro replied. "After all, he recognized that staying a Hollow could become a danger and allowed himself to be purified instead of running. His decisions were what made him a good person."
Ichigo's eyes softened at this speech. It was one of the few times he'd heard Toshiro speak from his heart. "You know," the older boy said, "it was all for you. I don't think he ever cared what happened to him as long as you were safe."
"Why do you say that?" Toshiro inquired.
Ichigo chuckled. "Because he's never asked anything from me, but before he left, he said to look after you."
"So that's why you bothered to—"
"I would have done it anyway," Ichigo assured, "but I thought you'd want to know that."
"I see," Toshiro mumbled.
Ichigo visibly cringed.
"What?" Toshiro demanded.
"For a second, you sounded just like him."
"Is that a bad thing?"
Ichigo bopped Toshiro on the head. "Hey, don't go pulling the emotionless zombie routine. It doesn't work for you."
Toshiro glared up at Ichigo, rubbing the spot Ichigo hit. "I would appreciate it if you held back on the physical abuse. Did you know it is a serious offense in Soul Society?"
For a second, Ichigo stared, as if not sure what to say. "Wait, was that supposed to be a joke?"
"I don't know, was it?"
"Alright," Ichigo said, "now I know you're messing with me."
Toshiro shrugged his shoulders briefly. His eyes were distant.
"Hey, are you going to be okay?" Ichigo asked.
"Of course," Toshiro assured. His voice was flat. "Death is part of a Shinigami's job. If I couldn't stand it, then I should not be a Shinigami, much less a captain."
"Did you even want to be a Shinigami?" Ichigo wondered. "You looked pretty mad when you said that Karin would probably be forced into the Academy. Something about not wanting that to happen again."
The boy's muscles tensed. He pressed his lips together tightly. "It's none of your concern."
"Toshiro…"
"Captain Hitsugaya," he corrected.
"Fine, Captain Hitsugaya," Ichigo said, "I think it is of my concern if Karin's going to turn all cold-hearted because of it."
"I doubt it," he answered, sounding troubled. "The circumstances are different and if forced into Soul Society, she would most likely attend by choice eventually, even if not forced."
"But you still want it to be a choice," Ichigo stated.
Toshiro nodded. "It's only fair."
"As opposed to…?"
Again, Toshiro refused to meet his eyes. "Can we please drop this subject matter now?"
"Okay," Ichigo sighed, leaning back in his chair. He wished Ulquiorra was here. He'd be able to crack this kid open in a second. Then again, if Ulquiorra was here, Ichigo wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.
Suddenly, a yawn escaped the orange-haired youth. He rubbed his eyes.
"Were you awake all night?" Toshiro wondered.
"No," Ichigo answered.
The young captain's fists clenched underneath the table. He knew Ichigo was lying. He'd bet anything that Ichigo had forced himself to stay awake in order to watch over Toshiro. In fact, he could perfectly envision the teen sitting right there on that armchair, maybe with a cup of something heavily caffeinated, coppery eyes bloodshot as he watched the sleeping forms around him, all the while playing back memories of recent events. He could see Karin coming downstairs, refusing to budge with every ounce of stubbornness she possessed. Was it because she thought of them as friends?
Friends.
He was beginning to understand that once you met a Kurosaki, you had no hope of escaping again. Together, they spun a web of amiability and protectiveness. They were warm-hearted, if not a little rough around the edges. Yet, it was almost like they were trying to pull him in, welcome him into that sticky web, even if he would not fit with his cold-hearted disposition in such heavy contrast to their warmth.
"Toshiro, you're kinda zoning out on me," Ichigo chuckled. "Don't tell me you're still tired?"
"Why are you being so kind to me?" the boy in question asked.
To Ichigo, the question seemed to come from out of the blue. However, he answered it in his typical fashion. "What? You want me to kick you when you're down?"
"I don't need the pity," Toshiro muttered.
Ichigo scoffed. "It's not pity. It's sympathy."
"Sympathy will never let one grow stronger from experiences such as this."
Ichigo's eye actually began to twitch. Dealing with this situation on as little sleep as he had was not recommended. He shoved himself up from the table. Before Toshiro knew it, he was being hoisted out of the chair, Ichigo's hand firmly on his shirt collar. His back hit the wall. Jarred, Toshiro now gave his full attention to Ichigo as he began on a rampage.
"Is that what you think?" Ichigo demanded. "Well, I'm sorry to offend you by making you weak. That's what you'll become if I say that I understand the pain, right? Because you'd rather put back the pieces yourself, so that it will make you stronger. And you called my logic twisted. I thought you would realize by now that pushing everyone away will only make you break more. You just cover it up behind that cold expression, but I'm not the only one who can see past that. My question is: how much longer will it be before you've shattered?"
Toshiro watched in wide-eyed shock. "I—"
"It's not just you, either," Ichigo interrupted. His grip loosened. "You hurt everyone around you, too. We want to help and you won't let us. You make us watch as you tear yourself apart. Do you want to end up like…"
Ichigo didn't finish, but Toshiro knew perfectly well what he was about to say. "Like Katashi? Or rather, Ulquiorra? Completely empty?"
Their eyes locked steadily.
"Stop trying to take his place, Kurosaki," Toshiro reprimanded. He shoved Ichigo away from him. "I don't need you to protect me and I don't need you to fill the spot he left behind."
"I'm not!" Ichigo defended. "What I'm doing is trying to make sure you don't destroy yourself."
"I am perfectly capable of—"
"Then what did you call that stunt on the overlook?" Ichigo's arms flailed wildly.
"An error."
His cool, calm demeanor made Ichigo want to punch him. "Just admit it: everything became too much to handle and you lost it."
"I don't need to stand here and let you ridicule me," Toshiro snapped. "Whatever Katashi said, ignore it, because I am personally ordering you to stay away from me."
"You'd rather run than face up to your own faults?" Ichigo accused.
"I am leaving," Toshiro stated. His voice alone was cold enough to recreate the Ice Age. The leaking reiatsu was only going to speed that process up.
"To some lonely corner where you're going to try to pull yourself back together again?" Ichigo raged.
"Sh-shut up!" Toshiro shouted.
"Hey, you were the one who told me to take my sympathy and shove it," Ichigo answered. "Is this going to make you stronger?"
Hot reiatsu flared, catching their attention. It was accompanied by Karin's cry of "That's enough!" as she stormed into the kitchen. Her fist lodged itself in Toshiro's cheek seconds before her foot found Ichigo's stomach. Both males fell to the floor in the unexpected attack. Karin stood over them, steaming, with her fists clenched so tight that it was a wonder her palms weren't bleeding. "You two are such idiots!"
"Karin?" Ichigo gasped, clutching his stomach. "Shouldn't you be asleep?"
"With all of this noise?" she bit back. "Plus, the reiatsu pouring out of this room is so crazy that I'm shocked we haven't been attacked by a Hollow yet."
"I would be surprised if Ukitake didn't place a kido barrier around this place," Toshiro answered in monotone.
"And you!" Karin continued, staring the white-haired boy down. "Can you imagine what it was like when I saw Ichigo drag your body in out of the storm that your reiatsu created? Then, I wake up and you two are ready to go for each other's necks."
The heat in the room was actually causing Toshiro to sweat. "Karin…"
"I hate you!" she screamed. "If something is wrong, you don't let it boil until you explode!"
"If I was following your example, though, Tenth Division would be notorious for its high rate of deaf Shinigami," Toshiro quipped flatly.
"This isn't funny!" she growled.
"I wasn't joking," he answered. His reiatsu elevated to rival hers. The epic battle of fire and ice.
"Are you sure?" she asked. "Because it feels like everything is a joke to you, even friendship."
Toshiro blinked at that. The overuse of reiatsu finally got to Karin and she collapsed to her knees in front of him, still refusing to cry or back down.
Now eye level with the two, she said, "You're the coldest person I've ever met. Does that make you happy?"
"You need to lower your reiatsu before you exhaust yourself," Toshiro advised.
"I don't care," she mumbled, eyes already half-lidded. "Answer my question."
"Karin," Ichigo scolded in his soft older brother tone.
"Answer it!"
"I can't," Toshiro responded.
"Why?"
"Because that's all I've ever been."
She chuckled, a faint sound. "So…you're a liar, too."
"Karin…?"
A delirious smile was perched on her face. "It's freezing in here."
Ichigo finally managed to get over to his sister's side, holding her upright.
"Ne, Toshiro?" she asked. The smile didn't leave. "What do you do…when someone is hiding something from you and…even when you know that something is wrong, they still won't tell you?"
He made full eye contact at the familiar question. "I don't know."
"I didn't think so," she said. "When you find out, tell me."
Ichigo lifted her into his arms after this. He placed her under the cover of her sleeping bag. She was already unconscious. He turned back to the door. Toshiro was standing with one hand on the frame, his eyes fixed to the girl who was able to make him question his own ways and look for a new solution.
"If you're leaving," Ichigo said, "then go already. No one's stopping you."
Toshiro hesitated.
"But," Ichigo continued, "if you're going to stay, then you'd better start looking for those answers."
Toshiro hung his head. "I was told that if I didn't go to the Academy, I would eventually kill those around me with my reiatsu."
"What?" Ichigo inquired.
"Earlier," Toshiro replied, "you asked me if I ever chose to be a Shinigami. That is your answer."
"Oh," Ichigo muttered. "You know, I won't tell anyone."
"That was never the problem."
The problem was that he'd never learned to open up. He would have to start now, however, if he ever wanted to answer the question Karin had asked him. Maybe letting go of this one mirror fragment of his past would not cut deep into his flesh with its edge, but instead stop him from seeing that pained person in his reflection.
He thought over Karin's words again. She'd asked what to do when someone when someone hid something from you. Yet, he heard the underlying message.
How are you going to stop yourself from hiding?
…
Thank you: -SoManyUpsAndDowns-, Windschatten69, fan girl 666, and Saki Mamoutu.