Part 3: [The Beginning]
The combination of finals taking up all your time and winter break right after it, make it impossible to have a serious conversation with Lex. She seems to be just as confused and thoughtful about the kiss as you are because she doesn't push the subject.
It's not until you're both back at school after vacation, Lex back from her home town Chicago and you back from a vacation with your parents to Florida, that you get a chance to finally bring it up.
You're secretly glad that your parents decided to visit your aunt in Florida with you because you're sure that going back to Lima and seeing certain people would have just made you more confused.
Still, you're a little homesick because you've been away from Ohio for nearly five months now.
You'd never thought there'd be a day when you would actually admit to yourself that you freaking miss that Podunk town.
Thank god you're back at college now though. Throughout winter break, every single time you went to the beach, your mother would comment on every girl who passed by saying awkward things that mothers should never say like, "That woman has nice breasts, but my gaydar isn't that finely tuned" or "Wow. She must go to the gym to get legs like that" or "So are you a boobs or butt kind of girl?"
Though it was mortifying to hear such things come out of your mother's mouth, you knew that she was just trying to show her acceptance in the only way she knew how.
If you're being honest with yourself, you didn't even really look at any other girls while you were away. You had one girl on your mind and it wasn't a blonde haired, blue eyed, dancer. No, your mind was on an Asian girl who had re-ignited that flame inside your body simply by kissing you back.
You're a little bit worried to see her mostly because you think that it could turn out to be very awkward, especially since you know that you need to talk to her before more shit goes down.
When Lex sees you she pulls you into a tight hug and whispers, "It's good to be back," in your ear. You relax a little bit because she's not acting awkward, although you're not actually sure if she can act awkward seeing that she always seems completely at home in her own skin.
You snap out of your daze long enough to stutter, "I think we should talk."
She just nods knowingly and the two of you sit silently for a couple of seconds before she speaks.
"Are you going to bring anything up to talk about, Tana? Cause I think it would help the process along." She's got a glint in her eye and a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips, and you can't help but chuckle at her attempt at making you feel more comfortable.
"I kissed you."
"You kissed me and I liked it."
"I liked it too."
It's that simple. She leans in, one hand on your waist and the other barely ghosting the junction where your jaw meets your ear. Her lips gently graze yours, caressing, easing you into it.
Your lips part slightly and you sigh a little bit as she presses harder, but just as you're getting into it, she pulls away. Her hand keeps your face close to hers; so close that your noses are barely touching and your foreheads are millimeters apart.
"What does this mean?" she asks. There's none of that usual swagger and confidence in her voice; she sounds vaguely vulnerable and it just makes her more whole and complete and more lovable.
"It means," you start, but you're fearful of what you're about to say, so the words get caught in your throat. You've never felt nervous to say them but you figure maybe it's because you're usually demanding rather than asking.
"It means, that on Friday, you, uhm, me, uh, get me food."
She looks at you quizzically, her eyebrows knit in quiet concentration, trying to figure out what the hell you just said.
"Sorry, I mean will you go out to dinner with me on Friday?" you mumble, your eyes avoiding her gaze.
You've just made a complete fool of yourself. Who would want to go out with someone like you? It's suddenly like your brain has been flooded with all the insecurities of high school.
Maybe you read into the kiss the wrong way. Why would she want to go out with you you're not nearly as good as she is and –
"Only if it's a date." She interrupts your thoughts.
"It's definitely a date."
-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-
Friday rolls around quicker than you had imagined it would. You're more than a little nervous.
This is a real date, not a dinner with Britt or a prequel to sex with any slew of guys. This is a legit date where at the end of it you'll be happy with a goodnight kiss. You sigh and try to shake out your jitters.
Your hair is down and you've got on your leather jacket over a purple v-neck with tight fitting skinny jeans and your old beat up vans. You feel good about yourself. You look like a badass, but not too masculine.
You see her and immediately smile. She's got a white collared shirt on with a loosened blue tie, and blue jeans tucked into beat up combat boots. Her hair is down and those adorable glasses are on her face.
As she approaches you she speaks, "I know how much you love to see the glasses. So I put them on just for you." She grins and winks as she slips her hand into yours.
"So where are we off to?"
Her confidence is almost infectious and her energy definitely is. You can still feel the butterflies lingering somewhere in the pit of your stomach but you no longer have any doubt in your mind.
This girl makes you feel good about yourself.
She makes you feel empowered and you didn't even have to tear anyone down to get that satisfaction of feeling on top, of feeling hot, of feeling badass. Just the way she looks at you and smiles a little bit wider or the way she sneaks playful winks at you, just for you, makes you feel all tingly and warm inside.
"You'll see where we're going."
You pull her into the car that you've borrowed from one of your floor mates for the night.
"Didn't know you had a car."
"Borrowed it."
"Are you still not telling me where you're taking me?"
"Nope, you'll have to see for yourself."
You're driving her over to the abandoned Naval Base at the Marin Headlands. She's expressed an interest in seeing the sunset from there multiple times, plus there's a beach nearby. When you get there and you've driven up to the trail she looks at you with those glowing brown eyes and reaches over the center console to hug you before bounding out of the car.
She nearly squeals in excitement as you hand her a backpack full of food and shoulder your own.
As soon as you're situated and ready, she's grabbed your hand and is all but dragging you up the trail.
As you huff up the seemingly never ending hill (you grew up and lived in flat as a pancake Lima Ohio for your entire life, hills are pretty daunting), Lex just kind of bounces along. She has lived in California her entire life, and she can climb hills with the best of them. The dirt road has finally flattened out there are bits of broken concrete everywhere.
The two of you slip through a crack in the wire fence easily; living with Lex, there's so much running and being active that you're pretty sure you've lost weight since you went to college.
This place is awesome. There are old rundown buildings scattered everywhere. Graffiti covers nearly every available surface and it's not the crappy kind of graffiti either. Grim reapers of all different kinds are painted onto the walls.
Intricately drawn faces, ghosts, and characters from cartoons adorn the inside walls of many of the buildings. There's broken glass and metal spilling out everywhere. The place is perfectly run down.
You somehow end up sitting on a rooftop shoulder to shoulder ready to enjoy the sunset with some food.
"I made us sandwiches. Here's yours; pastrami, pepper jack, sprouts, mixed greens, mustard, no mayo, pickles, no lettuce, no tomatoes, on sour dough, right?"
"Well, Santana Lopez, you sure know how to woo a girl. And you brought coke! Extra points!"
"So you're okay with not going out to a fancy restaurant?"
"I want to get to know you, not try to awkwardly feel bad for ordering something super expensive. I'm a low key kinda gal. Sandwiches and coke with a pretty sunset and a gorgeous girl is quite enough for me. Besides, fancy restaurants bring out the awkward in the best of us."
"I'm glad you like it."
You sit in a comfortable silence as the sun sets and darkness envelops you.
She breaks the silence first, "Tell me something I don't know about you."
"I was a cheerleader. Captain of the squad for some time as well. Our coach was totally crazy though. She wanted to shoot one of my friends out of a canon. Your turn."
"I was in a band, I sang back up and played the bass."
"I was in glee club. We won Nationals my senior year. It was so validating."
"I ran track and field. I did the 800 meter run and the triple jump. I made league in both."
"Until this year, I had lived in Lima, Ohio all my life."
"I moved to California when I was 16."
"Really? Why?"
"To live with my aunt."
"Where are your parents?"
"I don't really want to talk about them."
You can see the look in her eye with the last traces of sunlight. She's got an angry glint hardening them into a darker brown. She's shut down. Whatever it is you know well enough not to push it, so you quickly change the subject.
"Okay. I'm a sucker for the Lord of the Rings Trilogy."
"The second one was definitely the best."
"Oh come on. Return of the King is the one that won the Oscar."
"Oscar does not always translate to the general public liking it."
"Star Wars or Star Trek?"
"Both, but Star Wars I guess because that was my introduction to sci-fi."
"Did you ever watch the Dune movie?"
"They made an awesome book shitty."
"I know!"
The conversation carries late into the night. Soon the stars are out and you find yourselves lying down, backpacks as pillows, hands linked between you, blanket thrown over your bodies for warmth.
"Thanks for the best first date ever Tana."
"Thanks for being the best first date ever."
You grin at each other before turning your heads back to the stars.
-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/
"Shit."
You're running around the room like a headless chicken, dropping expletives left and right when Lex walks in from her last class of the day.
"My parents are coming for an impromptu visit. They want to meet you."
"What did you tell them?"
"No. As my new roommate. They want to meet my new roommate."
"Oh. Cool."
"They don't know that I'm dating, much less that my girlfriend is living with me. So..."
"Yeah keep it on the D.L. I got it."
"Thanks. Oh shit, they're here!"
You run past an amused Lex, before running right back into the room.
"Wait. Why is that your outfit? I didn't even know you owned flannel."
She looks down at the flannel, skinny jeans, combat boots, and the fedora she's holding in her hand. She just grins.
"Yeah, I do look particularly…well…Pink v-neck instead of the flannel and lose the fedora?"
"Thanks Lex. Best. Girlfriend. Ever." You punctuate each word with a chaste kiss before running straight out of the room again.
Your parents walk fast and get to your room, and to Lex before you do.
"Oh. You must be Santana's new roommate. We met the old one, the bible crazy one, but we've never met you."
"I'm Alexandra, it's really nice to meet you Mr. and Mrs. Lopez."
"Ah, and with such good manners. So what are you studying here?"
"Engineering. Mechanical Engineering."
"Ohh, a smart roommate. And so cute too. Boys will snap you up in no time!"
Lex just raised both her eyebrows and forced a sort of smile/grimace onto her face as she nodded.
You leap in before you parents can mortify you in front of your roommate, your girlfriend. Screw being on the down low. Your parents should be fine with it. You and Lex have only been together officially for a month but you've known each other for many months now.
"Mom, I actually have something to tell you."
"Oh god, you're not pregnant are you? Wait, you can't be. I have to say it is very nice not to have to worry about an unexpected grandchild. Unless…"
"No mom, I'm not pregnant. I'm actually dating–"
"Well I simply must meet this girl."
"Lex. I'm dating Lex. Lex is my girlfriend, mom." You reach over and grab the hand of a slightly bemused, mostly shell shocked Lex.
"Who is Lex?"
"Alexandra?"
"Oh. Alexandra? Well Santana you picked a good girl. Such a pretty face and gorgeous hair with a nice smile, and perfect body, and she's an engineer."
"Mom. Not appropriate."
"Sorry. I didn't offend you did I, Alexandra?"
"No, ma'am not at all."
"Oh, cut the ma'am business. I may be your girlfriend's mother, but I'm not that old."
"Of course, Ms. Lopez."
Your parents drag you both to a fancy restaurant. Lex tries to protest and say that you should spend time alone with your parents as a sort of familial bonding thing but your father basically formally requests her presence at dinner.
You end up at the restaurant sharing one side of the booth with her, the arrangement effectively ending your attempts to start a footsie game.
When a lull in the conversation appears, your mother excuses herself to the bathroom and not so subtly asks you to accompany her. You shoot an apologetic glance at Lex and a warning glare at your father. Lex just half smiles at you while your father smirks, amused. Reluctantly you follow your mom into the bathroom, where she begins to touch up her flawless make up.
"How do you feel about her mom?"
"I think she's a wonderful contrast to Brittany and I think she likes you very much. She is well-mannered, able to hold intelligent conversation, and handles your mood swings quite admirably for someone who has only known you for less than a year. Keep her around for a while, Santana. She makes you happy. And honestly, I don't think I've seen you this happy in too long a time."
"Thanks mom." You hug your mother before pulling away and looking her dead in the eye.
"No more embarrassing stories or prying questions please mom."
"Isn't it a mother's job to humiliate her daughter in front of the new girlfriend?"
You sigh as you follow your mom back into the restaurant where you hope that your girlfriend hasn't been permanently traumatized by your father.
"Hey are you okay?" you whisper into her ear as you brush back a piece of her hair from her face.
"I'm good. You're dad's pretty cool."
You smile. "I think he tries really hard."
The two of you chuckle quietly as your parents beam back at you from the other side of the booth. You sling an arm around your girl's shoulders and she snakes one around your waist.
You never imagined that you would be having a non-disastrous dinner with a girlfriend and your parents, but then again you never imagined to have you parents actually accept you or to have a girlfriend as laidback as Lex, who would be able to take the blow of a surprise parent meeting.
-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-
When your parents finally drop the two of you at your dorm room late at night, you're exhausted and thoroughly embarrassed.
What began as a non-disastrous meal had turned into some kind of 'Santana Lopez' roast. Your parents had every embarrassing story to tell Lex and you could do nothing but feel humiliated the entire time. She interrupts your internal rant.
"You don't have to feel embarrassed, you know? Those stories, they just prove that you're multi-dimensional, that you're protective of anything you love, and that you're determined. Don't think of them as humiliating Santana. Stories that we feel embarrassed by make us human. Those are the stories that really make up a person. It's not the successes that define someone. It's the stories about how people get things done regardless of how it looks to the outside world. The stories that you don't want to tell anyone are always the best ones."
"How did you know I was embarrassed?"
"Your face was actually flushed and you were quiet. You didn't talk like you usually do."
"This whole ordeal has been a nightmare. My girlfriend sees me humiliated by my own parents."
"You're a beautiful person Tana, inside and outside. It's okay to drop the high school act of pretending. I will never judge you. You'll be loved for exactly who you are. Be proud of yourself. Own yourself. All the parts of yourself."
"How are you always so confident? Not that I'm saying that you're cocky. I –You just always know who you are, you never seem nervous, and you're never really that awkward."
"I know who I am and I'm not going to apologize for it. It's not like I don't care if someone is judging me, but I know that they only judge because that's what humans are programmed to do. I can't change who I am and that's something that I've accepted. I wasn't always this confident you know. I tried to pretend that I was only into guys for a while. I tried to deny away the gay half of me, but I couldn't. As much as I tried, I couldn't erase and rewrite this side of me that I desperately wanted to be rid of. We all want to fit in in one way or another."
"How'd you accept the fact that you were into guys and girls?"
"I fell in love with a girl one summer. It basically forced me to come to terms with the fact that I was half gay."
"What happened to the girl?"
"She wasn't interested. It was a case of unrequited love, but I have to thank her for leaving no room for doubt in my mind. She turned out to be a great friend after all that."
"Unrequited love sucks."
"It does."
"Thanks for telling me all of that."
"Thanks for listening."
"You can just say 'you're welcome' you know."
"I could."
"Cheeky."
"Goodnight Tana."
"Night, Alexandra."
"Please, never call me by my full name again."
"Ha. You realize that I'm going to do it more now that I realize how much you don't like it?"
"Don't forget that I'm the one who knows about the time that you–"
"On second thought, I'll keep the Alexandra thing to myself."
"Good girl."
In the darkness you fall asleep a smile gracing your lips. You are finally at peace with yourself.