Part 5: [Save Your Heart]
When everyone told you not to date the person you were rooming with, they were right. The last two weeks leading up to finals are pure torture. Neither of you bring up the argument, Carter, or Brittany.
You're both just kind of tiptoeing around each other complete with over politeness and awkward silences that seem to fill the room all the time now.
You're not really sure why you two haven't broken up. Actually that's a lie. You're more afraid of being alone and by yourself in the world than almost anything. That's why you've always guarded your heart and you've always been the heartbreaker not the heart broken.
But now the rules have been changed on you. Your relationship is confusing and tense, but you can't be alone because then you would, well, be alone, as in lonely, as in unhappy. You'll take what you can get.
She's racing through her chemistry homework while somehow dancing in her seat and chanting the lyrics of 'Good Girls Gone Bad'. You almost feel like you're intruding on a private moment until she sees you in the doorway and practically drags you into the apartment.
Pretty soon the two of you are jumping on the couch singing and dancing to everything from The Script to the latest Gaga hit. Finally you both collapse back onto the couch sweaty and exhausted and remembering that homework still exists.
For those moments that you were laughing and dancing around on the couch you forgot about the weirdness that's settled between you. Now that a blanket of quiet and peace has fallen upon the room and both of you find that neither can look the other in the eye.
She breaks the silence first, "Are we doing this for the right reasons?"
The question is almost rhetorical. You both know that you're not doing this for the right reasons, but neither of you are willing to change that. There's a pause while you think of what to tell her, or how to tell her.
"Brittany is coming to visit, we planned it before all of, well, that happened, I mean to tell you but…"
"Yeah." She stares straight ahead, "So… what now?"
"I told you that I wasn't ending it."
"Yeah."
"With you it's comfortable."
"Hasn't been too comfortable for the past couple of weeks…"
"No, but we'll get over this."
"It's scary to be alone. I know."
She tries to soothe you with the words that are going to come with her hand on your arm.
"Don't."
You try to pull away but she doesn't let you. She takes your hands in her hands and uncurls you fists, letting your hands rest open and relaxed on hers.
"We're not staying together for the right reasons. This is just all messed up."
"Yeah and whose fault is that?"
You know what you're doing. You're trying to push her away, trying to make it hurt less. You're trying to stop the inevitable from happening. You've always relied on your sharp tongue to get you exactly what you wanted.
"We let this happen. Both of us."
She meets your gaze and just stares from across the couch. You let her study you for a beat before you interrupt her.
"What are you looking for?"
"Give me a reason."
"I need you."
"Not as much as you think you do."
"Lex, please don't do this."
You can already feel the ache intensifying. So far it's just kind of existed inside of your ribcage but now it's threatening to expand its territory.
"You know I have to."
"I know. I just – I can't be alone. I just can't."
"You can. I know you can. You know you can."
You keep your eyes downcast in a valiant effort to hide your tears, but she grabs your hands in hers, compelling you to look into her equally watery stare.
"We've had a great run Tana. It's been two and a half years of epic adventures. Two and a half of watching you change and grow up and watching you make me into a better person. I've enjoyed every minute of it. I still love you. Just not the way I did. And I think it's time that I let you go. My work here is done."
She smiles, slow and purposefully as though convincing both you and herself that she's doing the right thing, that you both can be happy without each other.
"I wish I could love you the way– "
"I know. I know."
You're silently crying as she pulls your head towards hers gently resting her forehead on yours.
She lays a gentle kiss on each cheek and is pulling away from you when you pull her in for the tightest hug you've ever given in your life.
As she wraps her arms around your midsection you whisper things like, "I love you", "Thank you", and "I'm sorry" while she tells you, "I know", "Thank you", and "I'm sorry too".
If letting go of Lex, your girlfriend of two years, feels this bad, you're not sure how you were ever able to let go of Brittany in the first place.
-/-/-/-/-/-
You're standing there caught between the gaze of piercing blue eyes and the stare of warm glowing brown eyes. The tension in the room is suffocating.
You came back from class to your apartment only to find your oldest friend and former lover sitting on your couch with your closest friend and freshly ex-girlfriend.
From the sounds of things, they had been talking to each other before you had burst through the door and interrupted them.
Now they're both looking at you and you're looking back at them.
The girlfriend you probably never deserved speaks first, "I'll let you guys talk. I'm going for a run, I'll see you later Tana, nice to meet you Brittany."
Lex grabs her running shoes and is out the door before you've even processed what the hell just happened.
"Hi." Brittany watches you.
She seems more careful around you, more tentative than she would have been two, nearly three, years ago. That's a weird thought: two years.
It's been two years since you've seen her in the flesh. For the past couple holidays you would either, drive to Lex's aunt's house to enjoy dinner and spend a relaxing weekend away from school or find a way to get your parents out of Lima to other parts of the country visiting various family members.
You know exactly why you avoided Lima. You weren't sure if those blue eyes would send you running. Sure, you were in love with Lex, but it felt different than when you were with Brittany.
You chalk it up to their markedly different personalities and dispositions. But now those blue eyes are in front of you. They're all you see.
Your instincts (or lack thereof) shock you. You have no impulse to run, no impulse to kiss her; you really just want to hug the girl that used to be the only friend you'd ever need.
"Hey." Well, what else were you going to say?
"So that was..."
"Lex, my roommate, and uh, well, ex-girlfriend." You pause before you say the word girlfriend.
"Oh." Her face remains neutral, passive even. You can't tell how Brittany is feeling and it's making you uncomfortable, so you change the subject quickly.
"It's been a while huh."
"You haven't come home for Christmas in a while and it's your birthday next weekend but I don't have next weekend off. I have this weekend off though."
"Oh."
"So what's going on in your life?"
"I've been good. I love it here. Everyone is open to everything. No one looks at you funny and no one judges you. College has been liberating. How are you? How's the dancing?"
"It's good. I really like it. Everyone is really good but i think that it's making me better."
"That's good. How's Man– Rachel and Kurt?"
Brittany tilts her head adorably as she studies your eyes.
"If I didn't know you better I would say that you actually care about them. They're good though. Enjoying New York and the big city lifestyle…"
"It is very them."
Though your exchange of words is a little forced and awkward, you two lapse into a comfortable silence. You don't want to ruin the moment but you have to know. Brittany has always known you so well but it still surprises you when she answers your unasked question.
"There's a guy in my dance class…"
You nod because you kind of already knew she had a boyfriend. You knew because she came to visit knowing you had a girlfriend.
You're pretty sure that had she still been single she wouldn't have come here. The temptation to slip up and go back to their old ways would have been too great.
-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-
The two of them get along just fine. You're not sure why you ever doubted that they would, it's not as though Lex blames Brittany for the demise of your relationship and Brittany has pretty much always been nice to everyone.
You're glad that your ex-girlfriends can get along so well but at the same time you're a little bit unnerved. When Lex came back from her run she didn't try to talk, didn't corner you, and didn't ask questions. She just took a shower and came back in fresh clothes asking if you and Brittany wanted to go out.
So that's how you find yourself strolling down the street watching Lex and Brittany burst out in fits of giggles. You're all a little drunk when you decide to go into a nightclub for a little dancing.
You tell the Lex that you'll get the drinks and when you get back to the table the two of them have already left for the dance floor.
You can't look away. Brittany has always been mesmerizing when she dances but it's the shorter girl that surprises you. You never realized how good a dancer your girlfriend actually is. You two may go to frat parties and all but those were mostly about the drinking and the sex and there wasn't a whole lot of dancing going on.
The whole experience kind of turns you on. They both may carry the title of 'ex' before girlfriend but you can't help but enjoy the show.
The two of them try to drag you to the dance floor but you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom.
When you come back Lex is gone, back to the apartment in a cab according to Brittany.
Reluctantly you allow yourself to be led out to the dance floor. You're dancing front to front and a little bit too close for 'just friends' but you let it slide. You and Britt have always been closer than most girls are.
You dance until your legs feel rubbery and you collapse like a rag doll bending yourself over on a bar stool. You feel two strong arms spin you around and familiar lips, insistent but desperate on your own mouth before you can even register what's going on.
Then you realize that Brittany is kissing you and Brittany has a boyfriend and you just broke up with your girlfriend of two years and you just can't do this.
You dig the heels of your hands into Brittany's shoulders before pushing her away. Her eyes are confused and apologetic.
"You're with someone else. I don't do that anymore. You can't play with my feelings."
You're not even sure if you were able to string together anything coherent, but it doesn't matter because your head is clouded by plumes of tequila, vodka, and Brittany.
-/-/-/-/-/-/-
You stumble into the apartment and immediately follow familiar steps to Lex's bedroom. She's lying in her bed one arm over her head the other resting on her bare, untanned stomach. As if she senses you watching her, her eyes flutter open and she stares at you with a furrowed brow.
"You okay? How'd things go with Brittany?"
You don't even answer her, well not in words anyway, you break down and start sobbing. She doesn't question you when she pulls you into the bed and just hugs you tightly from behind.
Tears continue to fall until your eyes drift closed and you fall into a fitful sleep.
You wake up to an empty bed, an empty room swathed in sunlight. You walk through the flat calling out to her until you reach the living room. Your voice dies in your throat when you see who she is sitting with.
"San. Santana."
Brittany reaches out to grab your arm.
"No. Don't touch me. No. I can't do this."
"Tana… tana…Santana."
Lex huffs a little bit as she watches you flee the room without looking back. Before you make it out of earshot you hear Lex speak, "Wow. What happened with you guys last night?"
You don't hear Brittany's mumbled response before you've holed yourself up in you room.
-/-/-/-/-/-
A quick tap to your door jolts you into an upright position.
"Tana it's me. Brittany is gone, for now. It's just me."
You reluctantly cross the room to unlock the door and let Lex in. She doesn't enter your room though, she just stands in the doorway leaning uncomfortably against the door's frame.
"I know you don't want to… but you've gotta talk to me about this. If not me then her or Quinn or somebody. You've got to sort out your head."
"I thought that things would be different. I thought, I mean, I thought that..."
"She would be single and run back into your arms?"
"Kind of. Well, yeah. Isn't love supposed to triumph over everything? Conquer all and all that? It's just if she loves me why can't she be with me?"
"Is that what you think? That Brittany doesn't love you? Because she didn't wait for you?"
"Well what else am i supposed to think?"
"She loves you Santana. She adores everything you do. She's incredibly proud of you, incredibly proud of who you have become. She just needs time. The timing is off. That's all."
"Time? Timing? Shouldn't love be reason enough?"
"Tana, you're lucky you've pretty much figured yourself out, at least for now, and you know what you want, you have your dreams. Britt hasn't quite figured herself our like that yet."
"Britt? What are you two? Are you friends now?"
"Don't do that Santana. She just needed an ear to listen to her. I'm on your side. I always have been and I always will be."
"I know you are."
"Let me tell you a story. My story. The one that I've avoided telling you for two years. The one that you should have been told a long time ago. Let's talk about my parents."
Your breath nearly hitches in your throat. Lex has never brought up her parents or talked about them. In fact the one time you tried to get her to talk about her parents, she shut down for two days. You knew better than to ask again after that.
"I grew up in Chicago with fairly traditionally Chinese parents. No T.V. on the weekdays, 100% or failure, be the best in everything, that kind of parenting. The summer I turned sixteen, I had a best friend name Rion. I had also just met the girl that would change the game, Skylar. She and I became really close friends over the summer. I knew that I liked her and not in the purely platonic sense. I realized that it was something else. But I had gone out with guys before and I had this feeling around some of the guys too. So I went to Rion, to tell him what I thought I was. To tell him that I thought I was bisexual."
She sighed deeply meeting your eyes for the briefest of seconds. You can see the hurt and betrayal written in her eyes.
"I thought that it would be better to have someone to talk to. I didn't know that the entire thing was some kind of screwed up love triangle. Rion told me that he loved me. I told him that I loved Sky. Rion got pissed, saying that I was only doing it to screw around and then outed me to my parents. I came home to find all of my stuff on the street and a note telling me never to come back. I took my car and drove to California, to my aunt."
She pauses briefly again before choosing to continue. Tears are leaving long track marks down her face and you wish you could reach over to brush them away.
"It was all so fucked up. Sky was the first girl that I truly liked, maybe loved. It didn't even matter that I didn't know how she felt. It wouldn't have changed anything. I just – after being betrayed by my best friend and abandoned by my parents…"
She sighs deeply, drying her tears on the sleeve of her hoodie.
"I don't ever tell this story because it makes me think about how quickly a 'friend' can ruin you. This story, I don't share with everyone Santana. I'm your friend. I will always be on your side okay? I know betrayal."
She turns to leave but before she completely crosses the threshold she turns back towards you.
"Brittany loves you despite her current relationship status. Give her time and the chance to prove it. She waited for you. It's your turn to wait for her."