Planning

Harry was strangling Umbridge, Ron was stunned, but not surprised; it had been only a matter of time. But then, wait…suddenly Harry turned into a giant snake of some kind. Oh no! The snake opened its mouth and out poured hundreds of live spiders. They were crawling toward him! He couldn't move! Suddenly the wind was knocked out of him, the dream vanished instantly, and his wide eyes took in the ceiling of his dorm.

"what—what did—huh b—what?" Ron sputtered. His body was stiff and jumpy from shock, so much so that he couldn't think straight.

"Shut up Ron! We have no time for your stupidity!" a voice said next to his ear.

Ah, of course. The weight on top of him should have made it obvious—light enough to be a girl, but of course no girl would ever choose to pounce on Ron. "Harry? What do you think you're doing?" He sounded alarmed and shaken he knew, but he was too groggy for anything else.

"Ron. My brain is laying an egg. We must tend to it now before it hatches and flies away before I can bond with it."

There was a long moment of silence. Neither could see the face of the other through the darkness. Ron pictured Harry's face as a maniacal grin and lopsided eyes; another option perhaps mouth twisted in some horrible half grin-half frown, eyes wide and glossy. But soon a snuggling face against his cheek assured him that Harry was only slightly smiling with his eyes closed—glasses on.

A complete lunatic on a spree of violence and murder would forget to put his glasses on, right?

"What the bloody hell could that possibly mean?" he finally asked, after his panic gave way to annoyance.

"Mmm," Harry hummed, nuzzling his face. Dear god and mother and mercy, No!, Ron thought. "It means I had a great idea and I need your and Hermione's help to plan it out." He said, thankfully having finished nuzzling. "Now, we have to figure out a way to get Hermione down to the common room, since my plan requires thinking and you're no help in that department."

"If I'm so stupid and can't help you, why did you wake me up?" Ron asked, annoyed.

"For emotional support of course, my love." Harry said romantically.

"Okay, it's now officially time to get off of me." He sat up, forcing Harry to back off a bit.

"DO YOU TWO MIND GETTING IT ON SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN OUR DORM ROOM!" Yelled a sleepy Irish voice from across the room.

"No, no, we weren't-" Ron started, but was cut off by Harry.

"Oops, sorry! Hormones and all that, you know how it is."

"Shut up, everyone!" This time it was Dean who yelled.

Ron sighed. "Let's just go." He said, resigned.

/

Luckily, there was a girl in the common room who could fetch Hermione for them.

"You with the female anatomy! Go up stairs and tell Hermione Granger that she is needed in the common room. Tell her it's an emergency, tell her it's only Ron and that Harry isn't there. Don't think you can just run up there away from me and ignore my request. If you do that will see to it personally that your soul rots in the most horrible pit of hell for all of eternity!" Harry yelled in the girl's face, hovering threateningly.

The girl's eyes shined with tears and she hastened to ascend the stairs.

"Harry! She was only a First Year!" Ron chastised.

Harry stood up straight and crossed his arms. "We do what needs to be done."

"Only that wasn't necessary at all."

"Shut your face. And back off a little you smell like aging bananas when you first wake up."

Before Ron could say anything else a tired-looking Hermione came down the stairs. Amazingly her hair didn't look any different than it usually did, her face was unchanged as will. She was apparently a graceful sleeper and this annoyed Harry, for when he first woke up his hair was skyward on one side and ridiculously flat on the other; that's not even mentioning the bags. Oh the bags.

He smirked when she saw him.

She did not so much as blink upon seeing him. "Like I didn't know you'd be down here too." She said unimpressed.

Harry smacked his lips in annoyance. "Whatever. I need you to help me plan my vengeance against Dolores. My brain gave birth to a fantastical epiphany earlier and I need help nurturing it."

"Are you having some sort of maniac episode?" She asked.

"I don't think so. Probably. But that doesn't mean I should waste this amazing idea."

She sighed. "I suppose there's no stopping you. She is an annoying idiot. What is your idea?"

Harry smiled deviously. "I'm going to ninja her glockenspiel." He said ominously.

Ron and Hermione looked at each other. Hermione was concerned, and Ron was confused as to what a ninja was.

"That doesn't mean something sexual, does it?" Hermione asked.

Harry looked affronted. "No! I'm not that cruel! It means to destroy something innocent, something that only wants to make music. You know, it's the same kind of metaphor, or is it symbolism, as 'To Kill a Mockingbird'. And you call yourself a bookworm,"

"I have never called-" Hermione started correct.

"We'll have time for semantics later. For now we need to plan. What does Umbridge like that is innocent?"

Hermione and Ron pondered. "Oh! The kittens!" Hermione answered after a moment.

Harry nodded his head slowly, evilly. "Yes, precisely."

"Harry, you can't hurt a kitten to punish Umbridge." Ron protested.

"I'm not going to. It's the kitten plates I'm after. I think I ought to smash them all."

"Well, that will certainly annoy her; but Harry, she can just repair them with magic," said Ron in rare moment of sense.

"You're right. And besides, it's not clever enough. I need to show my devious side with this one. Oh, maybe I should replace the pictures of kittens with pictures of puppies. Yeah, that's twisted, and unexpected. Wait no, I should put pictures of penises on the plates. No! I'll keep the plates as kittens, but I'll arrange all the plates in the shape of a giant penis. Yes, that's it!"

"Wow." Hermione said. "Is that what it's like inside your head?"

"I wish that was all that went on in my head. I wish." He said wistfully, getting lost in his head. He shook the weirdness off and got back to business.

"Hermione, I'm going to need you to research and teach me some really strong sticking spells so it will be hard for her to rearrange it. Or it might be better if you apply them yourself since everything I do beside the Patronis and Experlliarmus is weak and flimsy."

Hermione shook her head. "I'm not going to encourage you in any way Harry."

Harry reached over and took her hand. "Don't think of it as helping me. Think if it as hurting Dolores."

That convinced her immediately. "Fine, I'll do it."

"Ron!" Harry yelled, making the dozing redhead jump. "Even your stupid brain can help us. You can distract Satan while we're violating her domain of evilness."

Ron looked confused again. Poor sod. "Eh?"

"Keep Umbridge busy while we're fixing the plates, can you do it?"

"I can yeah, I'll get Fred and George to help."

"Beautiful." Harry said giddily. Then something seemed to worry him. "Wait. Hermione we are going to be creating a penis, so I don't know if you'd choose not to have to look at it…or what?"

"Harry, I'm a fifteen year-old genius…I know what a penis looks like." She said as if it should have been obvious.

Harry grimaced. "Okay. Gross. Creepy. But okay, good."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "I'm going back to bed. When exactly do you plan on doing this?"

"Within the week, I need time to observe her. Obviously we can't do it while she's teaching because she can see her office door. I'll have to think about it some more tonight."

"Aren't you going to sleep?" She asked, turning back from the stairs.

"Ha! As if I ever sleep. I haven't slept since Madame Pomfrey knocked me out with a sleeping potion a week ago." He said proudly.

"Why does that not surprise me?" Hermione asked herself, heading to the dormitory stairs.

"Then what do you do all night?" Ron foolishly asked.

"Mostly I sit in the wardrobe sobbing and hugging myself for comfort. Sometimes I curl up in the shower with the water running over me. If Seamus was particularly mean to me the day before I'll lick him some. If I'm not doing any of that I'm sitting on your bed watching you have nightmares or, you know—not nightmares." Harry said waggling his eyebrows.

"Are you serious?"

"Do I look like a prematurely aging haggard older gentleman? No, I'm Harry Potter."

"Oh that is so funny and original, Harry." He stood up and pointed at Harry. "Don't watch me sleep. And don't lick Seamus either, if not for his sake than for yours. Ew"

Harry thought about this. "Hmm. You have a point there cutey."

Ron made a disgusted face. "I'm going to sleep. I've had enough of you."

"Goodnight my love, see you in the morning darlin'."

"STOP!" Ron yelled. "It's not funny." He whined, climbing the stairs.

"No, but your reactions are hysterical!" Harry called after him.

"ARRRGH!"

"Hehehe." Harry allowed himself a sinister giggle before he settled himself and planned.