Author's note: Thank you so much, everyone, for the reviews! There's nothing quite like good feedback. I was thinking about what everyone said about me turning Eric into an asshole. You're kind of right, and I found myself unable to live with that. I'm still reluctant to let him and Sookie have their happy ending, but I like writing about Eric. So I've decided to continue the story. I'm not entirely sure where it's going yet; I'll see how it plays out in my head.

Disclaimer: Again, I don't own any of these characters, they belong to Charlaine Harris. The lyrics are 'Terrible Love' by The National. Love that band. Birdy's version of this song is great though, too.

The first time Pam had sex with Eric after their unexplained departure from Shreveport, she remembered why she had vowed never to become involved with a man as long as she lived, and also why he had always been her only exception to that rule. It wasn't just because he was a fantastic lover. It was because the whole experience was intoxicating, even to her. She suspected that he'd had this mesmerizing power even before he was turned, and she knew it was misleading. Yet she couldn't help but be swept off her feet and give in every time he needed the distraction, and she often felt angry afterwards. Sad. Hopeless.

Their whole adventure wasn't going anywhere. It was a scattered, useless undertaking that only ever took them to places they had already seen. They'd had too much time on Earth, especially him. There was hardly any ground left for surprises.

The night was young, like the illusion of their bodies as they lay entwined in a king sized bed somewhere in a ridiculously expensive hotel. She was pinned beneath him, knowing she couldn't fight him off, and despite the dread in the pit of her stomach she knew she wouldn't even if she could. She could see his muscles move under his pale skin, hear the low rumble in his throat as he ravaged her like he could no human, and as she scraped her nails across his back she wondered how beautiful he must have been to Sookie. An unwanted image popped into her head and she growled in frustration. Misinterpreting the sound, he growled back at her, clawing at her hips like an animal and increasing speed. She moaned, temporarily distracted. Her mind took her back to the first time she had ever seen him, through her human eyes. Through the clouds of time she remembered how her human mind had marvelled at how amazingly beautiful he was, at the heartbreaking complexity in his deep blue eyes.

It's a terrible love and I'm walking with spiders

She sighed. She had gotten to know him on a level nobody else ever had and nobody else probably ever would. He shared everything with her, showed her every part of his ancient mind. She had found out that living for a thousand years didn't necessarily mean finding peace. During the time she had spent with him, she had seen countless images from his mind. Images of animals he'd hunted, women he'd made love to, people he had loved. He had seen civilizations come to an end, wars being fought. He had even participated. He had murdered innocent people. Eaten them like animals. Played with them, abandoned them, broken their hearts. He remembered all of their faces, and because of their connection, so did she. He remembered ancient landscapes; countries in the shape they'd been in centuries before her grandparents were even born. She had seen the world through his ancient eyes, and even though there was endless beauty in those pictures, unmistakably there was also grief. Rage. Deep, blazing pain. Remorse. Love. And because she had come to know him like no other, she knew that even after a thousand years he hadn't learned to process these things. He hadn't come even close.

Her train of thoughts was interrupted by her body's need for release. She snarled at him, pulling him towards her so she could grind her lips against his. When he growled at her, she bit him, angrily, drawing blood from his lower lip. He hissed at her, baring his fangs. She pulled back her upper lip and snarled again, showing him hers. She was not about to allow him the illusion that he controlled her. This had very much become a fight for her, and she regretted that. But she couldn't help wanting him, wishing she could be human again and take the place of the woman she knew he wanted. But that wasn't her, and that wasn't her place in his existence. It wasn't his place in her existence. For now, however, in this moment, she tried to imagine that it was, for his sake and her own.

It's a terrible love and I'm walking in
its quiet company

His mind was all over the universe. It filled him with frustration, because he had thought returning to his old lifestyle would bring him back to the man he used to be. He had been sure it was only her proximity that drove him insane, only her intoxicating blood that pushed memories from his human life into his head; memories that had been blurry and ancient before. He had thought that having sex the way he used to would make him forget about the emotional turmoil he had felt while being intimate with her. He had thought the images would fade in time. He had been wrong.

The sex still distracted him. Physical pleasure only took up a very limited amount of space in his mind, but anything that lessened the intensity of everything else was a welcome relief. During the time they'd been away, he'd had sex with Pam practically every night, and he had been endlessly grateful for her presence in his life, for the way she'd squeezed his leg for only a split second when their car had pulled out of Louisiana and his muscles had tensed with anguish. He had been sure back then that she could remind him of who he was. He had been sure she could help him excorsise the images from his mind.

But when he dug his nails into her shoulder and his teeth into the flesh of her left breast and growled with the release of his orgasm, a switch flipped on in his brain and he saw flashes of her face. Her shiny yellow hair. The light radiating from her being as she lost herself in passion. And before he had any control over his mind, Scandinavia during daytime flashed before his eyes. The place he'd grown up in. The people screaming, the howling of wolves. The lifelessness in the eyes of the only people he had ever known. Their faces, their excruciatingly motionless faces. The blood on his hands after he watched his father die. The bodies scattered, the beating of his heart when he'd realized he was left alone. Death. Silence. The sound of his own voice as he had cried out in grief and despair.

He rose with a speed that frightened even himself. The lamp from the night stand flew across the room, crashed into the wall with a loud thud and landed on the floor without a scratch on it. He loudly cursed in Swedish to keep himself from punching the wall. Damn vampire hotels. Why did they have to make everything so resilient?

When he looked to the right he caught a glimpse of Pam standing across the room, one of the sheets from the bed wrapped around her slender body. She looked anxious. Desperate. Frustrated. Her hair was messy and her eyes bewildered. He could smell her sweet shampoo from where he stood and hear the shaky breath she drew when she looked at him. He could tell she was fighting not to cry and he couldn't stand it. She spoke his name, her voice unsteady, and he could already feel the horrible truth in what he knew she was going to say. He clenched his hands into fists, his nails digging into the skin of his palms.

'Please don't,' he whispered. He knew he could command her not to speak, but instead he begged her, surprising even himself with the intensity of it. He hoped she could hear the unspoken apology in his mind. He simply didn't know what to say to her.

She slipped back into her dress in seconds. Like always, she understood him, and that fact only made this worse. 'Get some sleep,' she said before exiting the room. She didn't tell him where she was going, but he knew without a doubt that she'd be back without him having to summon her.

He was resisant to follow her advice. He hadn't slept in days and the bleeds were slowly getting out of hand, but falling asleep was difficult. Lying in the dark with only his mind to accompany him was a horrifying experience. So he stood in the corner of the room, naked and bewildered, for hours without realizing. The emotions were controllable when he wasn't near the person who had provoked them so suddenly, but in a way that was even worse. The images of his dead family flashed before his eyes and he was capable of feeling nothing, only emptiness. It made him feel hollow. He thought about Pam and the unspoken pain in her eyes, about the way he had used her and her devotion to him to run away from things that were too big for him to handle. Hatred crept inside him, directed at the person he'd become, and for the first time in his existence he thought to himself that he really was a monster.

And I can't fall asleep without a little help
It takes a while to settle down my shivered bones
Until the panic sets

Pam was hunting. She knew she was in no state to have to control herself, but she had no choice. She hadn't fed in days, unwilling to leave him. She didn't want to admit it, but she feared he might do something that couldn't be corrected. She was thirsty though, and she needed her strength.
She enjoyed the sensation of the wind on her face while she crouched on top of an office complex. This city was large, but it was easy to cross it and difficult to get lost. If there was anything positive about this situation, it was the small amount of enjoyment she got out of hunting in a different place. They had been here before, shortly after she was turned, and her memories of anything that had happened after she'd become a vampire were clear as day, but it still felt refreshing.

On the pavement beneath her, oblivious to her stare, was a young girl in a very short skirt and a tank top. She was wobbling in the high heels of her ten dollar shoes, and Pam sniffed in disapproval. Cheap shoes. That was a good enough excuse.

The girl didn't scream when she sank her fangs into her neck and fed almost absent mindedly. Her blood tasted slightly off; probably drugs. For a moment she wished she were still susceptible to human drugs. She wondered what Eric had felt when he had tasted the blood that had nearly driven him insane. She wondered what he had seen in that hotel room just now. She wondered whether she was ever going to convince him that he had to stop running.

She didn't like what this unique half-human did to her Maker, but she knew better than to think it could be made undone. Watching him the way she had for these last few weeks had driven her to the only conclusion that made any sense. He must really be in love with this girl. She must really be the only person on Earth who could help him deal with the things that were keeping him awake and turning him into a frightened child. And as much as it pained her to lose the most important person in her universe to someone like her, she knew it would probably help him. She loved him, and she knew the consequences. She couldn't let him suffer. She was physically unable to.

'I wasn't here. This never happened,' she said to the shivering girl without really thinking about it. Glamouring people was second nature to her like it was to any vampire. She was about to let the girl go and disappear when her eyes once again fell on the cheap pumps.

'Oh, and one more thing. Throw away the shoes.'

The girl nodded, staring mindlessly into her eyes. When she let her go, she stumbled aimlessly into the darkness, losing her balance every few steps. A stab of anguish shot through her as she realized what that reminded her of. Her body shook with sobs as she cried cold, bloody tears over his pain once more.

It's a terrible love and I'm walking with spiders
It's a terrible love and I'm walking in
its quiet company

Sookie Stackhouse was lost. Back in what seemed like another lifetime, the idea of her boss being a shapeshifter had seemed like too much to comprehend. But today, as she sat on the porch of her grandmother's faded yellow house and pondered that night nearly three weeks ago, she felt as though her mind might rupture. She desperately wished Gran were still alive to help her make sense of the way she felt. But Gran wasn't alive, and she was all alone on the porch that suddenly seemed enormous. When she closed her eyes, she could still see him on his knees, taste his tears on her own lips, smell the forest in his hair. The look in his eyes as he had clung to her had made her so, so sure he would never betray her. She was still unwilling to believe he would. But if that was true, then what happened? Where was he? She didn't want to listen to the part of her that said he was likely never coming back, but she couldn't overlook the fact that Pam was missing too. He wouldn't take her with him if he planned to come back.

She never thought she was capable of falling in love in an instant. Even with Bill, it had taken her a while. But with Eric, it had been different. Something had switched on inside of her when he had begged her not to leave and decided that from now on, she was obligated to love the tall, blond vampire at her feet. She had been determined to never make him suffer again. But as his absence slowly burned a hole in her memories of that night, she had no choice but to conclude that apparently she had.

He had been gone faster than she had been able to comprehend, but the grief and the fear she had seen in his eyes had stayed with her. Somehow, she had provoked something inside him that had sent him running for the hills. Frustration coursed through her at the thought and she wondered why it was that all the men in her life were either afraid of her or lying to her.

She snapped abruptly out of her thoughts when the phone rang. Startled, she rose to her feet. She rarely received phonecalls anymore. Without consciously wanting to, she had pretty much withdrawn from everyone in her life, unwilling to abandon her endless trains of thought about Eric to participate in social situations.

She got to the phone just in time. 'Hello?' It sounded hoarse. She didn't speak much these days either.

'Sookie, it's Pam.'

'Pam? Oh my God, where are you? Where's Eric? Is he-' She swallowed, attempting to block the horror scenarios from her mind. 'Is he okay?'

There was silence on the other end of phone, and then a sigh so miserable that she immediately knew Pam was suffering worse than her. Her stomach turned and she suddenly felt sick. 'Pam, talk to me. Please.'

'Calm down. Eric is...' She didn't seem to know how to finish that sentence. That wasn't reassuring.
'He's with me,' she concluded. A light switched on in Sookie's mind. He was still there. Her brain then went into overload and she started blurting question after question down the phoneline.

'Where are you? Why the hell didn't you tell me? What-'

'Sookie, listen.' Pam's voice, for the first time ever completely empty of sarcasm and impatience, drew her attention. In fact, she sounded like she'd been crying. She wondered with sick fear what could get Pam into such a state except something horrible involving Eric.

She heard Pam taking a deep breath down the phone, apparently struggling with how to deliver her message. She sighed before she spoke again.

'He's not doing well. You have to come get him.'

He would be mad at her if he knew. In fact, he would be furious. If he hadn't finally been sleeping, he could have commanded her not to do what she just did, and she wouldn't have been able to disobey him. But she had beat him to it, and even though she hated herself, she hated Sookie and she hated this situation, she knew she had acted in everyone's best interest. Including her own.

When she had returned from hunting, he had been curled in the fetal position on a corner of the bed, wearing shorts and a white T-shirt. She had thought he was sleeping, so she had covered him with a sheet and planned to walk away, but he had grabbed her hand and stopped her.

'I'm sorry,' he had said, his eyes on the wall in front of him. 'I should not have dragged you into my misery.'

'No,' she had answered. 'No, you shouldn't have. But you did, and I'm here, and I'm telling you, Eric...' She shivered unwillingly, hating the words she was about to speak. 'We have to go back.'

'No, I won't go back.' He hadn't moved, hadn't even raised his voice. The simple meaning of what he said next was enough to crush her. 'You have to go back alone.'

She had gasped. 'No.' Getting up, she kneeled by his side of the bed and stared at him furiously. 'If you think I'm going to leave you here, you are seriously-'

He silenced her with his stare. Sitting up, her put his hand on the back of her head as had been his habit for decades. 'I'm sorry, Pam. But I can not do this to you anymore. You will go back.'

Her eyes filled with tears and she sobbed, knowing what would come next.

'As your Maker, I command you.'

She watched his sleeping figure and silently apologized to him. She would have given anything to be able to help him herself. She would have died to protect him, given up her soul to take his suffering away. But she couldn't, and she knew it, and she was down to her last bit of strength.

'I'm sorry, Eric,' she whispered. 'I can't take any more.'

And I won't follow you into the rabbithole
I said I would, but then I saw your shivered bones
They didn't want me to

She got into the car anxious and exhausted, driving slowly even though that wasn't like her. She hoped her desperate action wouldn't turn against her.
She thought of the flashes of his memories that had slipped into her mind during their intimate moments. Once again she saw the sun, birds she'd never seen before, a blue sky. Remembering his grief over never seeing it again, tears welled up in her eyes. The anguish of these past weeks fought for a way out and she sobbed until she couldn't drive anymore. She pulled over on the side of the road and cried for everything she couldn't do until her tears dried up. Then she started the car and drove back to Shreveport.

It takes an ocean not to break.