BPOV
My breathing was ragged as I pushed Matrix forward, encouraging her quietly as I looked to the side lines.
I saw everyone's face but the one that stood out the most was Edward, watching me with hope hi his eyes.
"Come on Trix, Just this last jump!" I pushed forward getting myself into the right position for jumping the game keepers brush. As I went forward everything slowed and in a matter of seconds I was on the ground, looking up to see faces watching me, haunting me.
Everyone was there saying hurtful things about me and then Edward and my father were the only two left.
Even the horse sees there's nothing special about you, you're just another drug addict. Edward's voice pierced my ears as tears welled in my eyes before he vanished and I was standing face to face with my father.
Just another druggy. You're nothing, you're not even my daughter, I don't know who you are, and you're a disgrace. I wish I had nothing to do with you. Leave, don't come back and don't dare touch Alaric. I heard the words and the scene changed to when my father picked my high, drunk ass up from an alleyway, just before the first time I ran away, 24 hours to be exact. I had wanted so much to change and I felt as I dragged my long nails across my arm, drawing blood painlessly.
"Bella! Wake up." I heard a voice say and I opened my eyes quickly gasping as I looked at my hands and saw blood on them before I looked up at Edward and shot out of bed quickly.
"Oh my god! What did I do? How are you, what did I do to you? I'll go get a cloth and clean you up!" I gasped, feeling the tears that had formed while I was asleep seeping into reality and sliding down my face as Edward grabbed my shoulders and pushed me down onto the bed.
"Bella, it wasn't me. You didn't hurt me." Edward said and used a cloth to wipe the blood from his chest before taking my arms lightly and turning them over so I could see my arms.
I gasped as I looked down at the long, deep marks going across my arms, one mark for each of my fingers. I quickly pushed myself up from the bed, making sure not to drip anymore blood onto the sheets before I ran into the bathroom and locked both the doors, sitting against one as I grabbed a wet cloth and slowly dabbed at my cuts.
"Bella, I'm calling Carlisle to look at you. He'll bring his medical kit." Edward called through the door as I winced and held back my tears, feeling the blood as it ran down my wrists more, now only small trickles even though the cuts were very deep.
"Baby, come out Bella. Let me wrap your arms." Edward called through the door as I put the cloth over my right arm where the cuts were and pressing lightly before repeating on the other arm.
"Bella, come out. I need to take a look at your arms." Carlisle called through one of the doors and I sniffed and winced as I got up and unlocked one door, letting Carlisle in before locking it again.
"Does it hurt?" Carlisle asked and I nodded before uncovering my cuts and hearing him gasp before he grabbed out all the things he needed.
"Bella, I'm going to put stitches in because they're deep. You'll still be able to ride tomorrow but you'll have to have your arms wrapped under your jacket." Carlisle said as I looked away, feeling the tugs at my skin as he stitched quickly, cleaning me up as he went before wrapping my first arm.
"I can't do it." I whispered under my breath to myself and Carlisle looked up at me and gave me a light smile before finishing and wrapping my Right arm just as tightly as he wrapped the left one.
"Come on, Sweetheart, come outside and see Edward. He's worried about you." Carlisle said, treating me like I was his child, kissing my forehead lightly and hugging me with one arm.
I shook my head and slowly unlocked the door, letting Carlisle out before closing the door and locking it, sliding down and leaning against it.
"Bella, come out please." I heard a little whisper and I turned and looked at the door, biting my lip before opening the door slightly and seeing Ricky watching me from where he was sitting on the other side of the door.
"No. I can't let Edward see me like this. Remember what happened last time this happened? I had to get help showering for god's sake. I don't want Edward to see me, I'm covered in blood and it hurts to try and clean it off." I said and sniffed before Ricky got onto his hands and knees and crawled through the gap in the door.
"Come on then, I'll help you get the blood off with a cloth." Ricky said as he locked the door again and I looked up at him as Ricky grabbed one of the clean cloths from under the sink and ran it under hot water before coming over and kneeling down in front of me.
"Thank you Ricky." I said as I put my arm up and Ricky wiped the blood that went from my elbow down to where the bandage started. Once he was finished helping me take the blood off I smiled at him and gave him a very light hug.
"Is Alice here?" I asked and Ricky grinned before getting up. "I'll get Alice to find you some clothes." Ricky said and I grinned before he left and I stood up, sighing as I looked at myself. I knew Edward had seen me in only my underwear, we had started getting changed in front of each other at night but we turned away when the other got naked.
When Ricky came back he had Alice with him and Alice handed me my clothes, Helping me when I needed it but keeping her back turned when I didn't need any help. Once I was done Alice hugged me lightly and took the things covered in blood and put them in a plastic bag.
"I'll get these washed. Anything else you need?" Alice asked and I bit my lip before picking up my hair brush.
"Will you brush my hair?" I asked, seeing as when I lifted my arms it pulled on the stitches.
Alice brushed my hair slowly before letting it hang freely down to a third of the way down my back. She left the room and I unlocked both bathroom doors before walking out into the bedroom and pulling Edward's hoody over my tee-shirt and jeans so my bandages weren't seen before walking into the lounge and looking at everyone.
They were all there and my mother sighed as she saw me before coming and hugging me, my father directly behind her. When Charlie went to put his arms around me I pulled away, looking at him carefully before walking over to Edward and leaning into him as he hugged me tightly.
"Sorry." I mumbled into Edward's chest and he kissed my forehead as Carlisle rushed everyone to continue as if nothing as happened.
Edward and I were to ride to the stables and walk the course again. As we walked out the front door Charlie went to speak to me but I walked closer to Edward and sped up a little before rushing to the car and jumping into it.
The day rushed by and by the time it hit 7 o'clock, Edward and I were just sitting down in the hotel, alone as we snuggled up on the couch.
"What happened this morning?" Edward asked as he sat with me between his legs, lying across the couch as I snuggled into him and sighed.
"Reoccurring dream. Nothing to worry about." I said and Edward looked down at me sighed before kissing my forehead.
"Everything to worry about. You looked a mess this morning, like you'd seen a ghost and it scared me so much. I wanted to take you in my arms and not let anyone touch you but you ran off. You've been avoiding Charlie all day as well." Edward whispered and I sat up and crossed my legs, facing the TV with Edward sitting facing me with one leg crossed and the other hanging off the couch.
"Please, can we not. I can't live through that two times in the same day. Heck, once in a life time is enough for that. Edward, I promise I will tell you everything, eventually, but I literally can't at the moment." I whispered, not noticing that I was trying to dig my nails into my arms until Edward grabbed my hands and pulled them forward, away from my body so I couldn't hurt myself.
"Ok, ok Bella. I believe in you, I trust you. I know you will tell me eventually and I know I can believe and trust in you. I have you know you can Believe and trust in me too, for when the time comes where you really open up to me, fully." Edward said and I nodded before he took a deep breath, looking into my eyes.
"Because, I don't think I can wait much longer, Bella. You're still living in the past. I promise I can be your future, I can wait but until you stop living in the past, I don't know what to do for you now and I can see it's hurting you more than it's hurting me." Edward said and I looked into his eyes, trying to see where he was going with all of this. I was confused and I bit my lip and tried to see the answer in his eyes.
"What do you mean? I don't get it Edward." I said and Edward looked down at my hands in his and kissed my knuckles before letting go of my hands.
"I'm going to stay with the rest of my family tonight. I'm sorry Bella, but I don't know what I am to you until you can live with your past being just that. The past." Edward said and I furrowed my eyebrows, watching Edward as he get up and grabbed his large bag from beside the door before walking out, leaving me sitting there.
I saw quiet for a few moments, listening to the sounds around me, hearing as Edward got in the car and started it up before leaving. Leaving me, leaving us and leaving an empty void inside of me.
"I still don't understand." I whispered to myself and I pulled my knees up to my chest and rocked myself back and forth before suddenly bursting into tears and grabbing at my hair.
I didn't know what to do. Without Edward I was that druggy that everyone hated, with Edward I was the person I wanted to be and at that moment, I was lost and didn't know what to do.
EPOV
"Hey Ed, what are you doing here? Where's Bella?" Jasper asked as I walked into the lounge of their hotel room. I had left my bag in the hall way and I sighed as I sat down beside Jasper, everyone watching me.
"I'm staying on the couch tonight. I can't stay there anymore. Bella's back at the motel alone." I said and Alice looked at me with a worried look on her face before she shot up from her seat, grabbing her keys and a small bag of clothes before coming over and slapping me.
"You jerk. She's so lost right now and you've left her. I wouldn't blame her if I get there and find blood everywhere!" Alice shouted at me and I held my cheek where she had slapped me as she bolted from the room, leaving me there in shock with my family around me.
Everyone got up and left to their rooms, all except Carlisle who moved closer to me and sat down on the coffee table.
"Edward, what did you tell Bella?" Carlisle asked in his doctor voice and I took a deep breath before telling him everything that had run through my mind and everything I had said to Bella.
"Don't you love her?" Carlisle asked and I put my head in my hands and growled to myself before glaring at Carlisle.
"Of course I love her! But I can't be her toy for her to cling to when she doesn't know what to do anymore. She won't tell me anything and even though I trust her with every fibre of my being I can't have her using me as…I don't know…as her answer to everything." I growled and Carlisle sighed before getting up and leaving me alone to my thoughts.
BPOV
I heard the door as it opened and I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, noticing the blood on my hands before quickly locking the doors and turning the water on.
I washed my hands and the bandages quickly as I heard someone walking around out in the hotel before I wrapped the bandages so they covered the newly made, smaller cuts in my arms as well as the large stitched ones.
"Bella?" I heard Alice's voice and I looked in the mirror, still seeing blood on my face before I washed it off and slowly walked out to where she was looking at everything I had thrown all over the ground.
"Alice?" I croaked, my voice dry and crackled from crying so much. Alice rushed to me and hugged me before pushing me down onto the couch and rubbing my back as she sat with me.
"Everything he says in a lie." Alice said before I could say anything and I shook my head and clasped my hands together as I crossed my legs.
"He's telling the truth, Alice. Edward can't be with me while I'm still living in the past. If I want any life with Edward it has to be a thing of the future and even though he says he can, I can't expect him to wait for me. I can't get over my past and he can't do anything to help me. Edward and I aren't good together. I'm broken, he's whole. I'm hurting him every time something happens. He's better off with someone else, he can't love me while I can't love." I said and Alice looked at me and sighed before hugging me.
"Bella, do you want me to stay with you tonight? I'll help you get ready in the morning, I have all my things for tomorrow. Rosalie can be your groom tomorrow and Edward can be mine." Alice said and I smiled at her before nodding.
"Thanks Alice." I smiled before we got up and walked to the bedroom. Alice borrowed some Pj's and helped me get into mine before we climbed into the bed and I listened to her as she fell asleep before slowly, sleep eventually came to me.