Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.
Warning: Mentions of attempted suicide and Odin's A+ parenting.
Loki found no sleep that night, though he felt exhausted. The closest he came to it was dozing off, somewhere in that realm on the edge of sleep, images flitting before his eyes before jolting awake again, mind wandering for a while before returning.
On the other hand, he found he had no desire to get up or do anything else. He sighed and turned over, though he was comfortable enough. He had spent enough time in the healing room beds as a child to have gotten used to them. The sterile white sheets, the white walls, the tile floors. The rooms were as familiar to him as his own hall in the Royal Halls.
No, Loki.
He squeezed his eyes shut and buried his face into the pillow, trying to force the thought away. He wondered what would happen next and curled up, pulling the blankets over his head. I want to die, he thought, not for the first time that evening. I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die...
He blinked and sighed, thinking back to what Eir had said about the healer. Well, he didn't have to go, he considered. He could always stop.
He sighed, unsure of what to do. Unsure of what he wanted to do.
I want to die, he thought again and huffed, wishing he had asked Eir for a sleeping potion before she'd left.
It was a long night.
Despite what Eir had expected, it was not Odin who tried to visit Loki the next morning, but Frigga. Eir raised her eyebrows and said "Good morning, my Queen. Here to see Loki?"
"I am," Frigga said, voice tight. She had been crying, Eir noticed. She was wringing her hands. Eir nodded.
"Let me check on him," she said. "I don't know if he's awake yet. Where is Odin?"
"Asleep still," Frigga said. "He woke prematurely from his last Sleep. He told me about what happened last night." She hesitated and Eir placed a hand on her shoulder.
"I'll check on Loki," she said and gave Frigga a small smile before retreating.
As it turned out, Loki was sleeping. The boy had rings under his eyes that made Eir wonder when the last time he'd slept was. She sighed and left again, closing the door behind her and returning to Frigga.
"He is asleep," she said.
"Thank you," Frigga said and left. Eir sighed and returned to her duties.
Loki awoke late in the morning, surprised that he'd fallen asleep. He sat up and looked around, seeing a basin of clean, possibly warm water and soap on the bedside, along with a tray of breakfast. A change of clean clothes sat on the chair next to the bed.
Loki washed and dressed first, not feeling very hungry. He drank the tea that came with it and nibbled on half a piece of toast when Eir walked in. "Good morning, Loki," she said. "How do you feel?"
Loki looked down t the toast he'd been nibbling on and put it back on the plate. "Decidedly not hungry," he mumbled. "And... Not my best," he admitted. He pulled his knees up to his chest, then rest his cheek on them. "How many other know about... me?" He asked.
"You mean your heritage?" Eir asked. Loki cringed, but nodded. She sat on the bed. "Not many people," she told him. "Odin, Frigga, myself, and three of Frigga's attendants, all of us sworn to secrecy."
"But surely the court suspects something?" Loki pressed. "That I'm not- That I-"
"It was brought up when you were a babe," Eir said, nodding. "Rumors flew about, but I think one of the more popular rumors was that Odin had adopted you from a fallen warrior during the war. The rumors died out long before you grew old enough to understand them. The Allfather claimed you as his, no one was going to disagree or protest."
Loki swallowed. "And was there any other intention meant for me?"
"Not that I was aware of, no," Eir said, shaking her head. "When I met you for the first time, you were a small babe. Odin introduced you to me as his son." She looked at Loki. "Whatever intentions he may have originally had for you, he had disregarded them shortly after returning to Asgard."
Loki nodded and said nothing for a few moments. Eir prodded and said "Have you thought about the treatment option we discussed last night?"
"I... have considered it," he said. "I would... I think..." He hesitated.
"You need not make a decision this very moment, Eir reminded him. "It is alright to come back and discuss it further with me."
Loki nodded as there was a knock at the door. Eir sighed and got up, walking to the door and slipping out. He watched the door until Eir came back in, sighing. "Loki, your father is outside," she said. "Would you like to see him?"
Loki bit his cheek. Logically, he knew it would be better to get this over with as soon as possible. On the other hand...
"No," he whispered. "Not yet. Please."
"Very well," she said and stepped out again. When she came back in again she walked over and felt his forehead, then his cheeks. "You could do with a little more sleep, I think. How did you sleep last night?"
"Not... Not my most restful," he admitted, looking away. She hummed and took a potion out of her pocket. "Drink this," she said. "Sleep. You may spend another night here. But Loki," she added before she left, taking the breakfast tray with her. "I advise you to face your problems soon, rather than letting them catch up with you."
Loki nodded, fingering the vial of potion. "Thank you, Eir," he murmured and she left. He laid back down, unscrewed the vial, and drank the potion inside. He had just enough time to screw the top back on, and place the vial on the bedside table before falling asleep.
When Loki next woke, it was dark. Ten o'clock, or so, he supposed, judging by the time he fell asleep. There was a try of supper sitting on his bedside, but he still wasn't feeling particularly hungry. He picked at it, nibbling on some of the vegetables. He felt guilty for not being that hungry, and felt like he should eat something. He forced himself to eat the vegetables and drink the water that had come with it before getting up to use the bathroom.
When he was returning to his room, he paused and hid, seeing Odin and Eir.
"I must see him, Eir," the Allfather said. "He needs to understand what he has done, he needs to be—"
"Loki understands what he has done, my King," Eir interrupted. "How many times must I repeat myself? He is not well."
"Then put him on treatment!" Odin insisted. "I demand he be put—"
"Loki is an adult," Eir said, crossing her arms. "As such, he has the legal right to refuse treatment."
"And you want him to?" Odin asked. Eir sighed.
"Of course I do not. As a healer, I wish to see Loki return to health, however, if he does not grant us permission to treat him, there is very little I can do."
Odin sighed. "Is there any way I can force him to decide?" He asked.
"Not if you wish to keep the sliver of trust he has in you," Eir said. Odin's lips thinned. Loki slipped back to his room and curled up on the bed until Eir came in.
"Loki, your father is here again," she said.
Loki nodded. "I'll see him."
Eir raised her eyebrows, but didn't reply. She left and returned with Odin. She looked at Loki and said "I'll be out here."
Loki nodded and sat up in the bed as she shut the door. He then turned and looked at Odin, who was giving him a piercing look. Loki knew the look; he and Thor had long ago agreed that it made them feel like he could see into their very souls. Loki stared back blankly, not giving anything away.
"Do you realize," Odin asked, "what you have done?"
Loki said nothing, refusing to look down or away.
"Then why don't I tell you?" He continued and began to pace. "You were King for exactly two days. In that time, you sent the Destroyer after your brother and friends, destroying a small Midgardian village. You put your mother and I in danger, killed Laufey, demolished the Bifrost... For what?" Odin stopped in front of the bed, anger shining through. "Did I not punish Thor for doing nearly the exact same thing? And I'm willing to believe in this moment that you let the jotnar into Asgard during Thor's coronation as well. So what," Odin said, voice raising, "what could have possibly been going through your head?"
Loki let out a humorless laugh. "You don't know? Truly?"
Odin blinked at him, eye narrowing. "What do you mean?" He asked.
Loki considered Odin for a moment before standing. "I'm done," he said and walked do the door. "That's it. I give up."
"What are— I am not done talking to you, boy," Odin growled, standing in front of the door, crossing his arms.
"You never listen, do you? You never see," Loki said. "If you don't know what, then perhaps you should have paid more attention."
He shoved past Odin and out the door. Odin grabbed the back of his collar and pulled him back into the room, closing the door. "Explain." He said, crossing his arms as Loki huffed. "Now."
"Why? Are you going to listen?" Loki mocked, crossing his arms to mirror Odin.
"I always listen," Odin said.
"You never listen!" Loki hissed. "And I'm done wasting my time to make you hear. I'm done trying to make you see because if you haven't by now, then it's a lost cause. Move."
"No," Odin said. "We're going to figure this out now."
"There is nothing to figure out!" Loki shouted.
"You tried to die!" Odin shouted back. "You tried to die and I want to know why that is, Loki!"
"You want a reason? I'll give you a reason." Loki walked up to Odin and looked him in the eye. "I'd be better off dead than with you for a father."
He regretted the words the instant they left him, but there was no taking them back. Odin's shock shone through and Loki stood tall. "Let me out," he said, voice flat. Odin moved and he opened the door, leaving it open behind him as he fled from the healing rooms, shame clawing at his stomach.
Notes:
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