Andromeda Tales: You Put The Freak In Me.
Vetra Nyx stormed into the armoury and desperately wished she had a door to slam; for someone normally so collected, she was having an outright meltdown as the past twenty-four hours of her life had pushed her to what felt like the brink of insanity. It wasn't enough that she'd escaped a Kett stronghold and fought her way across half a desert to be rescued, or that she'd saved the lives of two of her crew mates along the way! No, now there was this, and in all her days she'd never felt so conflicted.
As she neared her cot her legs gave out, having been somewhat akin to jelly for the past half an hour. She crumpled onto the improvised sleeping space and pulled her sleeping bag over her head, groaning inwardly. She felt like an utter mess; still wet from the shower, with clotted wounds that needed seeing too, utterly exhausted and, in complete contrast to everything else, tingling and warm from the stomach down.
"Breathe Vetra...just breathe." she muttered to herself, trying to calm her heart rate, which presently was hammering at her chest like a machine-gun. "It was just sex."
The moment the words left her mouth the truth hit home. She'd had sex with Ryder. In the shower. After a battle.
She'd had frantic, adrenaline furled, happy-to-be-alive, desperate sex with Ryder, in the showers.
True, the great running battle and escape had stoked the fire in her belly beyond all sense and reason, and once safely aboard the Tempest she'd taken herself away from her friends, needing to calm herself in private lest she snap at them and cause offence. She'd known from day one that Ryder shared this reaction to near-death situations, and they'd grown closer over their shared secret love of the battlefield.
But that fire, which had sent her from her friends and into the showers, had not been so easily extinguished. Finding Ryder there, bloodied and beaten, had been comforting for her. It was good to know her dear friend was still right there with her, both on the battlefield and off.
Seeing his wound, a blistering streak of seared skin and muscle, had sent a shock of concern through her; a sudden alertness and desire to assess and protect. She'd strode into his cubicle, unconcerned by their respective nakedness, to inspect his battered body.
Up to that point everything made sense to her, but as their bodies had gotten closer and their touches more lingering, a heady fog had filled her mind and left her with nothing but intense sexual desire.
"No...not just that. Him...Scott." Vetra thought to herself, locking the armoury door for some privacy.
She knew it in her bones; had it been anyone other than Ryder in the showers, she wouldn't be close to hyperventilating in the isolation of a weapons lock-up. She wouldn't have felt comfortable being that close to anyone else, let alone naked and vulnerable. So it couldn't be that, in the afterglow of battle, she had acted on a primal desire to feel alive in the heat of the moment. She had acted on a primal desire to feel Scott, and the heat of his movements.
Spirits, she had wanted him so badly, in that crucial moment when he appeared to her as the most perfect being, and she'd tasted the salty skin of his neck and jaw. When he reacted with such sudden, smouldering desire she'd felt her heart skip a beat. Glancing down between them to find him just as worked up as she had been the final straw; she dedicated herself to having him, there and and then. Not because anyone would do, because only he would do.
When finally she'd seated herself upon him and they gave themselves over to the rhythm of passion, she'd felt something entirely alien to her, something so profoundly new it took her breath away.
Oh, she'd had lovers in the past, and those exploits had always satisfied her, but this was so far beyond mere satisfaction; in the last seconds of their joining, when all time and space ceased to exist in the face of the pleasure that ripped through her, Vetra had wrapped her legs around him and squeezed him as close as she could manage. In that brief moment she needed him, all of him, there with her.
To feel her body reacting, to feel him reacting to her, within her, to feel like she'd die without him and wishing only to remain with him in that shower stall forever. She rode that wave, bathed in the smell of his skin and the power of his body, delighting at the foul words that fell from them both and the gentle rocking motion that came after.
She'd never had it so good.
Slowly her mind cleared and her sense came back to her, and with them the sudden comprehension of what had just transpired; the power of the feelings that swept over her and the unsettling truth about the man who had brought them upon her.
Scott Ryder. Human Pathfinder. Emphasis on the word "Human".
She'd felt shame in that moment; shame and guilt mixed with some small amount of revulsion. A human of all things! It's not like it wasn't a common enough thing in the Milky Way; many Turian women found humans attractive, but never Vetra. Just as sure as she was of her orientation, Vetra knew she did not find humans desirable.
And yet, she had. And infinitely more so than any of her previous lovers, all of them Turian. Vetra huffed angrily and went to her locker, retrieving MediGel, a bandage and bottle of pills. As she stripped off her clothes, she discovered a milky viscous substance in the seat of her pants. A sudden wave of revulsion and excitement made her throw the soiled garments across the room. She cleaned herself up as best she could with a cloth from her work bench and set about tending to her wounds. Once they were coated in MediGel and bound, she took two of the pills and swallowed them dry. The MediGel had numbed her wounds, but the pills weren't for the pain.
She pulled on some light civilian clothing and turned out the lights. Nobody ever minded her sleeping in the armoury, she practically lived there. She hit the mattress and fell asleep in moments, hoping against all hope that it would all have been a dream.
oOo
When Vetra awoke she groaned, it was becoming a habit. Her clock told her she'd only gotten five hours rest; she'd survived on less but she felt like she could do with double. Hauling herself to her feet was a monumental task, but once done it seemed only right she go in search of food.
The ship was on it's night shift, which meant Kello was on the bridge, Gil would be tinkering in the engine room, and all else would be sound asleep. It was the perfect time to make tea and find something to comfort her empty belly and turbulent soul. She watched the tea-bag float in the boiling water and, reluctantly, let her mind drift back to settle on the root of her turmoil.
Sleep never failed to bring her focus and renewed objectivity. If she boiled it down to the facts, everything was not so bad after all. How she reacted to the event, and the why behind it, that was where the problem lay. Vetra sat down and sipped at her tea.
Scott Ryder was a wonderful man. Vetra knew this. He was kind, considerate and brave; never cowardly or cruel, never brutal for brutality sake. He had a disarming honesty about him, and his witty charm turned the gaze of nearly every woman he met. More than this, he was a warrior of terrific skill and cunning; he revelled in the thrill of battle and gave his all for every foot of ground won against the Kett. Vetra fought by his side happily, joyfully even. Even amidst the gunfire he would still find time to crack wise, or hurl insults at their enemies. He loved every second of it, and she found that endearing.
There were times, in the midst of battle, when her eyes would find his and they would share a fraction of a second, knowing that this was where they belonged: together, knee deep in the shit.
She recognised in him all the qualities that appealed to her in a man. He was goodness, through and through. A good man, doing his best to improve the lives of others. She loved that about him, after the shady life she had led she'd never want a man like her. She'd want someone good. Someone with a clear conscience.
"Bastard. I bet he's not losing sleep over this." Vetra through angrily, staring into her tea.
She quietly wondered what Ryder would say, seeing her like this. She had always carried herself with such confidence, acted so much as one of the boys, so no one would ever need or want to peer into her any deeper. Her work, back home, had left her with little room for exploitable weakness, and for Sid's sake, she'd closed herself off from so many things.
Not that she thought for one second that Scott would ever leverage her insecurities against her, he was utterly above such underhanded tactics. That said, she couldn't show weakness in front of him, not when he had recently found himself fatherless and utterly unprepared for being Pathfinder. He depended on her, but still the thought of him seeing her fretting like a little girl…
She forced the thought from her mind with cringe. It terrified her just to think about thinking about it. She turned back to her food, scarfing down the Blast-Oh's and finishing her tea. She needed to work. Work and rest, rest and work. With a warm drink inside her, and nobody else about, she opted for rest, slipping into the crew quarters and into her assigned bed. Cora was snoring quietly into the bulkhead and Liam was half hanging from his bunk. Vetra gently rolled him back over before bedding down, wondering if, when next she woke, she'd be able to get a better grip on things.
oOo
Eight hours passed Vetra by as she slumbered. Her crew mates even left her to sleep when their shift came on; she was wounded after all, and had earned a good long rest. When at last she awoke and set about her day, she was pleased that at least her stomach had stopped churning so much.
It occurred to her that she might need some advice. Someone more in tune with their emotions might be able to help her get a handle on things. Most importantly, she had mused over her second breakfast, she at least had put a finger roughly on the issue. She could recall now with a clear mind the events that transpired in the showers, and objectively conclude that it was, in spite of everything, truly wonderful. She recalled the last moments when she'd hurried out of the shower, leaving Scott alone, and her stomach twisted violently. There was guilt there, and she needed to know why.
As an Angaran, Jaal was very free and open with his emotions. It was a refreshing quirk of his people,;they held nothing back when it came to their feelings, and so had a rather deep insight into matters of the heart. Jaal had become something of a ship counsellor, something Lexi had fully supported, for some reason.
Vetra cleared away a few chores before heading to the tech-lab and finding the Angaran there, elbows deep in a piece of salvaged space junk. It looked like a recon-probe.
"Hay Jaal, what have you got there?" Vetra asked from the doorway. He looked up from his work with a beaming smile
"Ah, Vetra! A wonderful bit of...well actually I have no idea what it is, but it's still wonderful. Please, come in. Have a seat." he said, pulling a dust blanket off a pair of chairs he had restored for Liam. Vetra closed the door behind her and took a seat, smiling at the Angarans warmth and childlike intrigue with broken machines.
"So, how may I be of service my friend?" he asked, sitting himself alongside her with a multitool in one hand and a piece of salvage in the other.
"I had some free time, thought I might come and pick your brain about something." Vetra stated. Jall smiled and turned to the piece of salvage in his hands.
"We have much free time here. What is on your mind?"
"I was thinking about how Angarans interpret and act on their feelings. It's pretty interesting...I was wondering how you deal with feelings of guilt." Vetra explained. Luckily, Jaal was a very literal individual and took her curiosity at face value.
"Ah, guilt. Yes. We Angaran feel it keenly, we rely on it in a way." Jaal said as he worked, removing parts and replacing them.
"How so?" Vetra asked.
"Through guilt, an Angaran knows that by word or deed, he or she has brought shame on themselves, and their family. For example, there is no shame in striking down a foe, especially when lives are at stake. I feel no guilt over the lives I have taken. However, if through action or inaction a loved one were to come to harm, a responsible Angaran would be ashamed, and through guilt know action must be taken to make amends. No Angaran can live with such guilt and will always seek to set matters right, or die trying."
Jaal spoke in a slow, contemplative manner, working all the while. He'd hand bits and pieces for Vetra to hold, involving her in his work.
"Guilt is the soul's call to action, an imbalance in one's true self that lets us know we must make things right and rid ourselves of our shame, our misdeeds. Guilt is a good thing, really. It means you recognise your failings, and care enough to feel badly about them. What are you feeling guilty for, Vetra?"
Suddenly Jaal was looking at her, and Vetra could swear he saw right through her. His eyes were piercing and soulful, as if with a mere glance his heart could see the troubles of her own, and he cared. She hated to lie to him.
"Nothing at all Jaal. I was just wondering, y'know?"
Jaal smiled at her and nodded, turning back to his work.
"Then permit me, as your friend, to arm you for the day when you might. It is one thing to feel guilt, but another entirely to act upon it. Where does one start? Sometimes the answer is beyond us, but look here…" Jaal said, holding up the piece of junk, which lay now spread open in his hands. He closed the device back together, making it once again a nondescript gray cube of metal. "I had no idea what this was, what it's purpose might be, and so I had no way to fix it. But now…"
He opened up the device again, exposing its components, one of which was clearly burned out.
"...now I have taken it apart, I can see it is a simple sensor relay, and the timing node is destroyed. Now I can fix this problem. Remember this, Vetra: the first step to solving a problem is to take it apart. Once done, you can see what is broken, and how that one small thing may impact the workings of a much larger machine. Does this make sense?"
Vetra nodded and smiled at Jall, who smiled back.
"I'll let you get back to it, thanks Jaal. I mean it." Vetra said, standing to take her leave.
"You are always welcome. Stay strong, and clear."
Vetra departed and made for the armoury. With Jaal's words sinking in, and the strange feelings that the Angaran was more perceptive than he let on, Vetra had a call to make. Sid had always been the one to turn to in times of inner turmoil. As much as she was a pain in the ass, she was more of an authority on relationships than Vetra could ever hope to be. Sitting herself down at her desk, Vetra placed the call.
"Well lookie here! A call from my Big Sis. Is it my birthday?" Sid squealed, answering the call. It was good to hear her voice again.
"Hay Sid. Uh...do you have a minute?" Vetra asked, shifting some things around her desk absently.
"Always, I'm off duty anyway. Sis, why are you calling me on an encrypted channel? Oh! Is there something clandestine going on?" Sid asked excitedly.
"Sorta. No. Uh, maybe? I dunno Sid. I need your advice, I think. I'm in a bit of a bind here."
"Oh no...Vetra Nyx, what did you do?" Sid demanded, sounding more like a stern parent than Vetra ever had.
"Ryder." Vetra stated.
"Ryder? What, did you shoot him or something?"
"No! I uh...we, I mean. Shit...okay, here it is. I had sex with him."
"..."
"Sid?"
"Details, woman. Right now. Spill it!"
"We'd just got back from an engagement with the Kett. We were in the showers and...Sid, don't make me tell you everything, I'm freaking out here." Vetra pleaded, resting her head in her hands.
"That sounds...mmmmmh...how was he?" Sid asked in a sly, hushed tone.
"Sid! Are you not hearing me, I had sex with a human!"
"And I'm asking how it was. Indulge a girl would you, I'm trying to help."
Vetra sighed and resigned herself to what was to come.
"It was...really good. Amazing even. Top marks." she said nonchalantly.
"Really?! Oh wow, I knew he was an impressive guy but a great lay too?"
"A fucking savant."
"Well, shit on me." Sid said with a laugh. "So what's the issue?"
"I'm not into humans. I felt...after, y'know, I felt dirty. Sick inside." Vetra confessed.
"How would you know if he's the only human you've jumped? I'm assuming he's the only one…"
"Yeah, what's your point?" Vetra snapped a little hastily.
"Well, you say you don't like humans but you've never had the data to back that up. Now you do, and you say it was great…"
"The sex was great." Vetra interjected.
"Yeah okay, so how about him. Tell me about him, not what he did. What was his body like?" Sid asked.
"He was...warm. Wet, from the shower. Bloody too, he was hurt. I was inspecting his wound, and he started looking at mine and...all the touching just got me worked up."
"Not the what, Vet, the who." Sid reminded her.
"Okay! He was...is… wonderful. He's strong, built, y'know? Firm in all the right places, but still soft! Humans are so damn soft, and the hair! On his chest, his legs. Okay I quite like that bit."
"What about Little Pathfinder?" Sid asked teasingly. Vetra paused for a moment before answering.
"There's nothing little about him, Sid."
Sid made a noise that sounded like she'd choked on something, while squealing and falling off her seat at the same time.
"Vetra, sis, if you don't want him, can I have him? Please?" she begged in excited desperation.
"No! Find your own human, he's mine!"
"A-HA! Got you!" Sid crowed. Vetra felt her heart almost stop as the words that just fell from her came hurtling back at full force. "You love the son of a bitch, don't you?!"
"For fuck's sake, Sid! I don't do humans!" Vetra insisted. "I felt sick after. I may as well have slept with you!"
"Oh Vet, super fucking gross! What's wrong with you?!"
"That's what I'm getting at. That's the feeling I had: disgust. With myself." Vetra sighed again. This conversation was harder than she imagined, longer too. Damn her insightful sister.
"Okay, but still you went there, and loved it by what I'm hearing. I know if I was butt-naked with a Vorcha, I wouldn't hit that if my life depended on it. Thinking about it...eesh no. Yuck." Sid pointed out with an audible shudder.
"So...what, I'm deluding myself?" Vetra asked.
"I can't say, but I will tell you this: I didn't know I liked Krogan until I had one quad deep in me two nights ago."
It was Vetra's turn to fall off her chair with a cry. That was her little sister talking!
"He was in Vortex…" Sid continued. "We got to talking. He's young, works in Hydroponics, he was sweet. I took him home and had him 'till the sun came up, so to speak. Krogan, by the way? Not as rough as you'd think. He's coming over tonight, wants to take me on a romantic date. He'll be taking me alright…"
"Sid! I know you're grown up but I'm still your sister, damn! I can't hear half this shit, I don't need to know...okay, how big was…"
"Massive. Too much, actually. Ryder?"
"Filling, and then some."
It had been so long since Vetra had enjoyed some girl-talk with her sister; six-hundred years too long, in fact.
"So, equipment spec's aside, let's review. You like him as a person, you like his body, and you love what he can do with it. I'm not hearing an issue here, Sis, other than some old preconceptions. Y'know, nobody ever told you it wasn't okay to sleep with a human. How was he about it? What happened after?"
"I ran." Vetra muttered.
"Come again?" Sid was deadpan.
"No, I said I ran. I split. I freaked out, got off him, grabbed my gear and ran away."
Sid was silent for a few moments before Vetra heard her younger sister sigh deeply.
"Oh Vet...please tell me you're kidding. No, don't bother, I can always tell. Oh sister mine."
She sounded sad, not upset or tearful, more like filled with regret.
"Sid, what's up?" Vetra asked gently. She knew her sister.
"These...these words should come from me in person, but we don't have that option right now. Have you seen or spoken to him since?"
"No, I don't even…"
"Than be quiet, sister. Listen to me. Back home, I knew...I've always known what you did to keep me safe. The people you worked with, the sacrifices you had to make, I know about it all. Hear me when I say you don't have to do that any more. Not with Scott Ryder. You don't have to be made of stone around him.
After you left with him, I dug up his file. Had to call in a marker to get it but I did. Vetra, the man you're flying around the stars with is...he's complex. You say you ran out on him, he felt that. Going by his psych profile I'd say that really took the wind out of him. From what I read from the reports, and I'm paraphrasing here, but he's not the kind of man to sleep around, y'know? Oh he flirts, he flirts like a pro, but it's a smokescreen, that's all."
Vetra let this all sink in. Putting aside the fact that Sid had access to classified material, she didn't know how she felt about Ryder's psych profile. Could he really be that kind of man?
"So, in a nutshell?" Vetra asked.
"He's golden. You can trust him. He'd sooner jump on a grenade than hurt people he cares about. You can let him in, Vetra. If that's what you want, of course. Tell me, just between us, what does he mean to you?" Sid enquired.
"I...I don't know the words, Sid. I want to but I just don't know them. I shoot stuff, I don't recite poetry." Vetra confessed.
"Well think about it. Think about it hard, and the moment you know go and talk to him! Don't let this lie, you hear me? He deserves better than to feel used."
"Sid...what if I do like him? What if it's more than...what if it's more?"
That was the big question: was there something wrong with it all, with her?
"Then we're both freaks, but I'm gonna' climb on a Krogan tonight and get nasty, and no fucks will be given to what some proud, noble Turian citizen may say about it. Be a freak, own it. The stars won't go out because you fell for a human." Sid pointed out.
"What if he...doesn't? Y'know...feel that way?"
"Then you're gonna have to suck it up and be stone for a while. Talk to him, and when you do, make sure you apologise and take note of how he reacts. He's got sarcasm and wit, but he won't lie to you. I guarantee it. Just take some time to think, first."
"Thanks Sid. I will. Everything okay with you?"
"Work sucks, but in a few hours so will I." Sid said devilishly.
"Fuck, Sid!"
"That to."
"Sid!"
"Gotta' go. Swing by next time you're on the station. Bring Ryder. Promise me?"
"I promise, Sid. Thanks again. You're a good sister."
"Love you! Bye!"
oOo
Vetra had plenty of time to sit and think. After what felt like an eternity, she left the armoury and went for lunch. Ryder, as it happened, had been found unconscious in his quarters and rushed to the MedBay. Scuttlebutt said he'd suffered an extreme allergic reaction; Lexi had to put him in a drug induced coma to be safe. Vetra instinctively knew it was her fault; she'd seen her blood on him when they'd finished.
"Hell...the sex alone could have killed him." Vetra thought to herself with some morbid amusement. "I could ride him to death."
Ryder recovered in swift time and started making the rounds, after eating all the pasta on the ship, so Vetra heard. She wasn't ready for him, she still had to think, and so made every effort to dodge him. It proved futile on such a small ship, and she felt awkward being in the same room as him. She ran back to her work to bury herself in it. She needed time.
She found some peace working on one of Ryder's rifles. It was an M98-B "Black Widow" Anti-Material Rifle. Every sniper learned to fear this weapon, as it was meant for killing only two things: tanks and other snipers. It boasted the longest range and greatest stopping power in the Alliance Armoury, second only to the original M98 Widow. Ryder affectionately called his "Widowmaker". Apparently, a lot of people did.
Ryder's rifle was old, much older than the production model. Vetra guessed it was a prototype or a field-test model. The recoil dampeners were shot, and getting replacement parts was out of the question for what was practically an antique. Vetra wanted to fix the rifle for Ryder, as if fixing it would fix them. Right then, the man himself walked in, and Vetra's insides turned to ice. She cast her eyes down at the disassembled rifle and tried to shut him out.
"What do you want Ryder?" she asked, taking up a new tool to probe around the guts of the rifle.
"Uh...just checking in. Everything okay with you?" Ryder asked, stepping closer to inspect the weapon. He was too close, she wasn't ready for this, and damn it all, did he seem...okay?
"Everything apart from the interruption. These weapons won't maintain themselves, so if you don't mind…" Vetra said. It came out much colder than she wanted. She cursed herself for being so afraid.
"Something's bothering you, and I'm a lot of things but blind isn't one of them." Scott said firmly. "Listen, Vetra...if you want to talk…"
"Oh Spirits, why do you have to be so kind? I can't do this to you Scott." Vetra thought. She wanted to come up with something to say, something to reassure him and get him out of the Armoury until she had something more to offer, she needed a plan, but her mouth got there first.
"I don't need to talk about it. I really don't. How about you?"
His expression almost killed her.
"Don't see that we've got much to talk about. I'll leave you to it."
And then he was gone.
oOo
Vetra spent the rest of the day working on his rifle and deep in contemplation. She made a list in her head, checked it twice, of every reason she shouldn't want to be with Ryder, and it came to naught. On the other side of the coin, there had always been something there, and in a sudden moment of clarity Vetra realised nothing else mattered. No one else mattered save him.
She'd hurt him, possibly twice now, and her guts twisted to think about it. The guilt was upon her, what had Jaal called it? The soul's call to action. She needed to make things right, and to know if he felt about her...whatever it was she felt about him.
She needed to see him. If it all went wrong then...well, that was life. She hurried to his quarters and hit the buzzer. He called her in and she strode over the threshold. Time to be brave. Time to let him in.
"Okay, I need to talk about it."
AN: Had to get this off my chest before moving forward.
Toodles x