Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.
Warning: Loki experiences a panic attack in this chapter caused by over-stimulation.
It was the next day that Loki allowed Thor to take him into the city to look at the book. Loki wore a hood over his face and led the way to the bookshop. It didn't take long to get there, Loki knowing the shortcuts. When they arrived, Loki turned to Thor.
"Stay out here, I'll be right back."
"What? No, I can come in," Thor said.
"It's alright," Loki assured him. Thor crossed his arms.
"I'm coming in," Thor said, stubborn. Loki grumbled and went into the shop, Thor following and lowering his hood.
Madame Ivra looked up as they entered, the cat on the counter. She smiled when she saw Thor and stood, walking Over. Loki smiled and she said "Ah. There you are. I hope you got my note?" She said, looking at Thor.
"I did, madam," Loki assured her. "Now where is it?"
She smiled and patted his cheek. "This way, this way." She led him into the back, Thor staying behind to pet the cat.
"Watch out," Ivra called behind her. "He scratches!"
Loki grinned and watched as she brought down the book. "Well, go ahead," she said, letting him undo the wrappings. He breathed out a sigh and reached out to touch the cover before pulling back. "May I?" He asked.
"Be my guest," she said, standing back and crossing her arms. He gently lifted the cover and sighed again.
"Oh, this is beautiful," he breathed, eyes flickering over the illustrations and lettering. She grinned and let out a chuckle.
"I knew you'd want to see it," she said, sounding smug.
"Is it for sale?" Loki asked, flipping the pages with delicate fingers, careful not to rip or irritate the paper.
"Just for you," she said. "Ten dyr."
Loki looked up, giving her a skeptical look. "Oh, come," he said. "This is worth much more than that. "Ten fyth at least."
The old woman raised an eyebrow. "Do you want to play more?"
Loki sighed, looking back at the book. "How much did you buy it for?" He asked.
"Three dyr," she said, looking smug again. "Pool fool had no idea what he had."
Loki gave her a disapproving look. "That's practically stealing."
"I'm just trying to keep a living," she defended, but she was smiling. Loki sighed and reached into his pocket for his money purse, counting the money out. "Here you are," he said, putting the money in her hands. She smiled and pocketed the money.
"Thank you, Highness," she said. "Would you like to take it with you, or send someone to pick it up?"
"I'll take it with me," Loki replied, wrapping the book back up. "Thank you."
"Thank you," she replied as he picked up the book, asking back. "Oh, and did you like the stone?"
"I did," he said, slowing to offer her his arm back up the stairs. "Though I am confused for it's purpose."
She shrugged. "Is it helping?"
"Perhaps," he said, frowning at her. She grinned.
"Then at least you know it works," she replied. "Now," she said as they reached the counter, Thor standing decidedly away from the cat. "Was there anything else I could do for you?"
"Not today, thank you," Loki said, giving her a smile. He turned to leave.
"You know," she said, stroking the cat's ears. "That stone works best when it's resting around the neck."
Loki paused. "I'll keep that in mind," he replied and turned long enough to scratch the cat behind his ears. He purred and Loki grinned, Thor huffing. Loki smirked when he saw the three scratches on Thor's hand.
"Good afternoon, Madam Ivra," Loki said. "Come on, Thor."
They left the shop, the book tucked under Loki's arm, hoods back up as they walked in silence.
"Shall we walk through the marketplace?" Thor asked. Loki shrugged, so Thor led them over. Loki remained silent as they weaved through the crowds. It was loud, it was crowded, and Loki found it wasn't long before he wanted to leave. He tugged at Thor's sleeve.
"Can we get out of here?" He asked.
"In a moment, I want to look at that," Thor said and walked over to a stand. Loki clenched his jaw and followed, eyes flickering around the crowds, trying not to touch anyone, or lash out when someone accidentally brushed up next to him. He began to count in his mind. One. Two. Three. Four. Five...
"Thor," he said. "I think we should leave." Eight. Nine. Ten. One. Two. Three...
"One more moment isn't going to kill you," Thor replied, distracted by jewelry. "Do you think Mother would like one of these?"
"Yes," Loki said, not bothering to look. "Can we leave now?"
Thor ignored him and Loki clutched his book to his chest, breathing getting harder. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears.
Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. It wasn't working as it usually did, Loki's nerves unraveling at the seams.
"Alright," Thor said, accepting his purchased package. "Now we can— Loki, are you alright?"
Loki had his eyes squeezed shut, wanting to cover his ears with his hands. "Get. Me. Out. Of Here." He ground out, breathing quick. He reached out and grabbed Thor's arm and Thor led him from the market.
"Where should we go?" Thor asked, voice riddled with concern.
"Get me somewhere quiet," Loki hissed, his chest feeling tight. "Now."
Thor led him into a side street, Loki's eyes shut tight, still wishing he could cover his ears, gasping with people bumped into him. He was stumbling.
Slowly, excruciatingly slowly, the crowds thinned, and Thor led him into an empty alleyway. Almost at once, Loki leaned back against the wall, sitting down and gasping for breath, Thor taking the book out of his grip. Loki curled up and covered his ears at last. He had his eyes squeezed shut, trying to force everything back, trying to clear his mind—
"Loki," Thor said, voice soft. "Loki, take a deep breath."
Shut up! Loki wanted to scream. Shut up, shut up!
Loki knew what to do. He wasn't a child, damn it all. He took the breath regardless, heart still pounding.
Breathe in, one, two, three, four.Hold it, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Breathe out, one two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Repeat, one, two, three, four...
He repeated the cycle over and over again, trying to subdue the panic and tightness in his chest. It felt like hours before he felt himself beginning to relax. He was exhausted and he knew Thor was still watching him, eyes full of concern.
"...Loki?" Thor asked when Loki didn't speak. "Are... Are you well now?"
Loki remained silent, sitting for a moment longer before pushing himself up onto his feet, hand resting against the wall as he rubbed his eyes, still refusing to meet Thor's. Thor handed the book out, wordlessly, and Loki accepted it, hugging it to his chest.
"Let's go home," Thor said, voice still low. Loki nodded and began to walk, leading the way through back alleys and streets and trying not to fall over. They didn't speak a word until they were back inside the palace, heading to their halls.
"Loki, what was that?" Thor asked.
"Nothing," Loki replied, quiet. Thor stopped, looking at him in bewilderment.
"Nothing? That's what you call nothing? Loki, how often does that happen," he asked, "for it to become 'nothing?'"
"It... hasn't happened for a while now," Loki admitted, eyes still fixed on the ground. "I'm sorry you had to witness it."
"So this has happened before," Thor concluded.
"I don't care to speak about it," Loki replied.
Thor glared. "I do, Loki," he said. "How long ago was this 'last one?' When was the first? Why—"
"I'm tired, Thor," he interrupted, shoulders slumped. "I need to be alone."
He turned again and Thor caught his arm. "Why did that happen, Loki?" He asked quietly. Loki pulled his arm away.
"I don't know," he mumbled. "It just does."
"So when you said you wanted to leave," Thor said, understanding lighting his eyes before turning to anger. "You knew that was coming? Why didn't you say anything?"
"I can control it!" Loki tried to insist, knowing Thor wouldn't buy it.
"Oh, well, if that was controlling it, I'd hate to see what out of control looks like," Thor said, sarcasm dripping in his tone.
"Don't use sarcasm, Thor, it suits you ill," Loki sighed, leaning against the wall and closing his eyes. "I'm done talking."
He turned away, hoping this time to get away when Thor followed him. "Loki, please," he said, anger still tinting his voice. "Why did you say nothing?"
Loki stopped and turned again, facing Thor. "Thor," he said. "What you saw is something you weren't supposed to, something I try my utmost hardest to keep private." He hated this, his inability to lift his head and meet Thor's eyes, this weakness. There was a lump in his throat and he knew if he didn't leave soon, he was going to start crying or screaming.
He wasn't sure which was worse at this point.
"Please, Thor," he said, trying to keep his voice steady. "I'm tired. I need to be alone for a while."
Thor hesitated, then sighed. "Fine," he said. "But this conversation is far from over, brother."
Loki nodded, not bothering to answer verbally.
"Will you be attending dinner with us?" Thor asked and Loki shook his head. He couldn't face that, not now. Thor sighed. "Alright," he said. "I'll tell Father you weren't feeling well when we came back." It wasn't a lie, really. That's good, Loki thought. He's a terrible liar. "Would you like me to send something up?" Thor added, pulling Loki from his thoughts.
Loki shook his head again and walked off, not looking back. He reached his hall without meeting anyone on the way and walked in, closing the doors behind him. He walked into his bedroom and undressed, laying his cloak and book down, untying his boots and placing them next to the dresser, and changed his clothes. He then laid down on the bed and curled up, pulling the blankets over himself.
It was only then that he began to cry.
Notes:
The currency system I use here is one I made up. The copper coins are called kobs, the silver are zovels, the gold ones are gyders. 15 kobs to a zovel, 20 zovels to a gyder. 500 gyders is a mye, 1,000 gyders is a dyr, 1,000,000 gyders is a fyth.
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