Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.

Claimer: I own Evyn. Clearly.

Loki didn't get up the next day. He couldn't really see the point, turning over in his bed to gaze at the curtains, not bothered enough to open them. He hadn't slept much the night before and he was still exhausted, eyes barely able to stay open. But every time he fell asleep, he dreamed of the dark, of the cold, of falling, falling, falling...

It was usually then that his eyes snapped open again. And so it was that he was still in bed, awaiting the inevitable time when someone would come and check up on him. He knew it was going to be one of his family—not family—but he still found no motivation to get up, instead focusing on the darker part of his head.

I'm never going to get better, he realized at about eleven in the morning. He hadn't even properly accepted that he was sick, but how could he not be? He'd managed to keep his nerves under control for decades, at least long enough to get somewhere more private than with Thor in a damn alleyway. He covered his face with his hands at the thought, shame digging its way through his stomach. Norns, Thor had seen. Worse, he almost seemed to care.

A knocking at the door broke him somewhat out of his misery. Blinking, he liftedhis head to check the time, finding it was about noon.

"Your Highness?" A voice called. "Your Highness, are you there? I was told to bring you some food."

Probably Thor's doing. Loki flopped his head back down on the bed. "Leave it out there, I'll get it."

"Yes, your Highness." The servant soon left and Loki sighed. He should get up. He should get up and get the tray, clean himself up, go do something...

…But what? He thought then, turning his head to stare at the door. He had no wish to see anyone, or to interact with people. He didn't really have any interest in doing anything except to go back to sleep. It was like a fog of exhaustion had settled over his mind. He sighed and buried his face into the pillow, closing his eyes and wishing he could simply vanish into thin air.

Would anyone even miss me? He wondered. Perhaps Thor and Frigga. But they would forget soon enough.

At the thought, he felt tears spring to his eyes and damn it all, why was he crying to easily? He curled up, pulling the blankets over his head and tried to forget.

When it became clear that Loki had no intention of joining them for dinner, Frigga looked at Thor. "Darling, how ill was Loki when you two got back yesterday?" She questioned, brows furrowed.

"I— Well, I don't— Nothing I thought some rest couldn't cure," Thor replied. Frigga considered.

"I'll check on him," she decided and got up.

When she reached his bedroom, she found a tray of what looked like an untouched lunch outside the door. Frowning, she knocked on the door. "Loki?" She called. "Loki, are you in there?"

There was no reply. She opened the door and peered in, waving a hand so the tray followed her in. "Loki?"

The room was dark, the curtains drawn. Frigga left the door open, letting the light spill into the room as she walked in. She could see a lump on Loki's bed, presumably Loki himself. She walked over, letting the tray settle on the bedside table.

"Loki, are you not feeling well?" She asked, whispering in case his head hurt. There was no reply and she sat on the edge of the bed, reaching over to place the back of her hand to Loki's forehead. He was warm, but didn't seem feverish. She moved her hand to his cheek and sighed, tucking his hair back behind his ear. "What is the matter, darling?" She asked, keeping her voice soft. "Thor said you were feeling unwell last night."

Nothing. She could see his eyes were open, but he wasn't looking at her. "Have you eaten anything today?" She asked. No reply. "Loki, please say something." Nothing. She reached out again and placed two fingers to his pulse. It beat strongly enough. "Darling, if you don't talk o me, I'm going to get your father," she said, pulling her hand away.

When there was still no reply, she sighed and stood, walking back out to find a guard, sending him to bring Odin before returning to Loki's bedside, murmuring to him as dread filled her heart. She was relieved when Odin finally arrived, Thor in tow.

"What's the matter?" Thor asked, peering behind Frigga. "Is he ill?"

"He's not talking," she said, looking at Odin. "He's awake, but he's not said a word. He won't even look at me."

Odin hesitated, then nodded. "Thor, go to the healing rooms," he said. "Bring Healer Evyn Dolrson."

Thor nodded and left, Frigga bringing Odin into the room. "Loki," he said, sitting on the bed. "Loki, tell me what's wrong."

There was still no reply and Frigga wrung her hands, giving Odin a worried look. Odin waved a hand and the lights came on dim. Only then did Loki blink, turning his head a little.

"Loki," Odin said, kneeling by the bed. "Loki, look at me."

Loki's eyes were closed, his face buried into his pillow. "Stop ignoring me, Loki," Odin ordered and Frigga walked over as well, sitting on the bed again, stroking Loki's hair.

"Darling, please," she whispered. "Tell us what's wrong, let us help you."

Loki said nothing. Loki didn't move, though they tried to talk to him. It was a relief when the healer finally arrived. Odin turned and looked at Thor.

"Thor," he said in all seriousness. "What exactly happened before you two came home yesterday?"

Loki could hear them, could hear every word as Thor explained the story, how they'd gone into the market and how they had stopped and how Loki had asked to leave. He told them everything, every excruciatingly shameful detail and Loki was glad he was already curled up with his head buried into his pillow, jaw clenched as he squeezed his eyes shut.

Please, go away, he thought when Thor finished. Please, leave me alone.

He felt someone kneel by the bed and heard a voice—was that Evyn?—say "Loki, I need you to tell me if you're physically hurt. Just nod or shake your head if you like. Are you hurt?"

Loki blinked, the words slow to register. When they did, he shook his head. If he didn't reply, they'd just get more healers and people. "Alright," the voice murmured. "Thank you, Loki." The man turned away and told Odin and Frigga something. There was a sound of footsteps, the door shut, and the room was silent.

Evyn walked back, dragging a chair over to the bed and sitting down. "Your parents are gone now, Loki," he said. "I'm going to ask you some questions."

Loki waited in silence. When he said noting, Evyn continued. "Have you gotten up today?" Loki shook his head. "Have you eaten anything today?" A shake. "Anything to drink?" Shake. "Are you hungry now?"

Loki shrugged at the last one, hesitating a moment. Evyn hummed and he heard something move. "Here, Evyn said. "Drink this, if nothing else."

Loki looked up a little. The healer was wearing casual clothes, not the usual healing uniform he was used to. His hair was pulled back into a braid. Had they pulled him out of bed? What time was it? Evyn held pout a glass with a straw in it.

"It's just water," he said as Loki blinked. "Drink some, you may be dehydrated and that'll make your head hurt."

He moved the straw near Loki's lips and he accepted it, sipping and realizing he was actually quite thirsty. He drank it all and Evyn put the empty cup on the table, picking up a small cake instead. "Would you be willing to eat this?" He asked, letting Loki see it. Loki shrugged and Evyn said "Try, please."

Loki didn't move. He looked away and licked his lips. "'M really sick, aren' I?" He mumbled. Evyn paused.

"'M never getting better," Loki continued. Evyn put the cake down and placed his hands in his lap.

"I'm not going to lie to you, Loki," Evyn said. "Yes, I think you're ill and it isn't going to be resolved overnight, Loki. It could take a long time. And there will be bad days, days like this where you think you're going nowhere. But acknowledging you're ill is a big step towards getting better."

Loki said nothing and Evyn continued. "Loki, I can give you a medicine, if you like." Loki looked up and Evyn pulled a bottle from... somewhere. It took him a moment to realize that there was a bag on the floor.

Evyn placed the bottle on the bedside table. "This is it," he said. "You take one capful of this when you wake up, on an empty stomach. It won't make you happy," he explained. "But it'll help you focus on things. It'll reduce the bad days and the anxiety attacks."

Loki moaned softly and hid his face again. Oh, why did Thor have to tell everyone about that?

"Because he cares about you," Evyn replied. "And had it been my choice, I would have liked to hear it from you."

Loki realized he had spoken aloud and flushed, curling into a ball. Evyn smiled at him. "Loki, may I touch you?" He asked. Loki shook his head, hesitated, then nodded. Evyn placed a hand on his shoulder and rubbed a little.

"If this happens again," he said. "Then I want you to do something for me. I want you to get up, get cleaned, and change clothes. Keep a glass of water by your bed, eat something. It doesn't have to be healthy so long as you'll eat it. Then you can go back to bed. You've allowed bad days, Loki. They'll happen. But I want you to tell me about them."

Loki swallowed. "I hate this," he whispered.

"That's okay," Evyn said. Loki swallowed again and his his face as tears rose to his eyes. Evyn rubbed his shoulder again and said "Men are often taught that it is unmanly to shed tears. They are taught to feel guilty for wanting to do so, indeed for even doing so in private. But Loki, it is not something that people should be guilty about." He sighed and shook his head. "Crying is simply a show of expression. There is no weakness in it. It is showing emotion, like laughing when one is happy, or wanting to hit something when one is angry. But men are taught to bottle it away and that can cause problems."

Loki's breath came shaky and he curled up into a tighter ball, using the blankets to cover his face. Evyn continued to rub his shoulder. "It's alright, Loki," he murmured. "You don't have to bottle it up again."

Loki let out a sob, choking on it as he shuddered. Evyn pulled his hand away as he cried. Loki found himself unsure of quite why he was crying, but unable to stop himself. He was angry and upset and scared and he didn't know why.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, he quieted, sobs turning into hiccups. He sniffed and Evyn handed him a tissue, Loki accepting it to blow his nose

"How do you feel?" Evyn asked, voice still quiet. Loki wasn't really sure. He said as much and Evyn nodded. "That's alright," he said. "Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what we're feeling. Here," he said and took out a small vial, about the size of Loki's small finger. "Drink this once you've eaten something. It'll help you sleep tonight."

"Thank you," Loki said, wiping his eyes. He was sitting up now, making it easier to blow his nose. Evyn smiled nodded.

"You are very welcome, Loki," he said. "Would you like to talk some more, or would you like to wait until our Saturday session?"

Loki hesitated, chewing on the inside of his cheek, unsure of how to answer. Evyn waited patiently until Loki said "I think... Do you have any questions for me?"

"Some," Evyn asked. "Would you like me to ask them?" Loki nodded and eyed the honey cake. Evyn passed it over, noticing his gaze, and Loki nibble don it, not really hungry, but eager to sleep once the healer left.

"How long have you been getting panic attacks?" Evyn asked. Loki chewed and thought.

"Since I was a child," he said, voice still shaking. "I just... became better at hiding it."

"Are you able to tell me the symptoms of your attacks?" He asked. Loki hesitated. "You don't have to," Evyn reminded him with a gentle smile. Loki shook his head.

"I hyperventilate," he said. "And my chest gets tight."

"Does being on Asgard stress you?" Evyn asked. Loki hesitated.

"I— Maybe? No. I don't know," Loki said at last and flushed.

Evyn smiled and nodded. "That's alright," he said. "Have you ever experienced episodes like this before?" He indicated the bed and Loki looked down.

"A few times," he admitted. He tightened his shoulders and mumbled "People don't notice."

"Does it bother you that people don't notice?" Evyn asked. Loki shook his head.

"I don't know."

"That's okay," Evyn said, "Have you ever had an episode after an attack?"

"...Once," Loki admitted.

"Alright." Evyn leaned back. "Do you have any questions for me?"

Loki lowered his head and shook it. "No, sir," he said. Evyn raised his eyebrows a little at the title.

"Alright," he said. "Is there anything else you wanted to talk about this evening?"

"No," Loki whispered. Evyn nodded and picked up his bag, putting it in his lap.

"I'm going to go, then, if that's alright," he said. "But first, there's something I think you should know." He leaned forwards a little. "Shame isn't the same thing as guilt. Some people don't know this, they use the two words interchangeably, but there's a very big difference."

Loki looked up at Evyn, blinking at him in confusion.

"You see," Evyn continued, "guilt is the opposite of innocence. Sometimes people are remorseful for things they've done-in which they'd feel guilty-but not always. Guilt implies that what you've done is wrong. Shame on the other hand... Shame is deeper." Evyn sighed and shook his head. "Shame is a mix of feeling guilty with a streak of self-loathing. It's a big difference," he added. "And Loki, sometimes people do things that are bad, but that does not make them a bad person. Understand alright?"

Loki swallowed, trembling again as he nodded. Don't cry again, don't cry again, he pleaded with himself.

Evyn watched him for a moment. "Loki," he said. "You are not a bad person."

"How do you know?" Loki whispered, squeezing his eyes shut. I'm a monster, I'm a monster, I'm a monster, I'm a—

"Because very few people in the Nine are truly bad," Evyn replied, breaking Loki out of his thoughts. "Oh, people make mistakes, sure. And mistakes have their consequences. But mistakes don't make people bad."

"Then what does?" Loki asked, looking up at him, hating how desperate he sounded. Evyn smiled a little.

"I'm not sure," he said. "I've yet to meet someone who is truly bad."

Notes:

Alright, so before you pull your dictionaries out and call me out on this, guilt and shame ARE IN FACT DIFFERENT THINGS. Guilt doesn't always mean regret (it's a conviction, it doesn't necessarily mean the person regrets what they did), so while shame involves guilt and regret, it also has to do with self-loathing/thinking you're a bad person.

Really, mistakes don't make people bad, guys. This is something I learned a while ago, and I figured this was a good way to pass that knowledge onward.

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