I've gotten a couple of reviews about the fact that I need to put up more descriptions on what genderfluid means. I forget at times that not everyone is as involved in the LGBT+ community as I am; as such, non-binary pronouns have become a sort of second nature to me. So, seeing as I'm apparently bad at explaining stuff, here's a wiki that explains what genderfluid means in much simpler terms. Let me know if the link doesn't work and I'll send it directly.

From now on, when Loki is non-binary, I'll mention it up here with the disclaimers. Speaking of which...

Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.

Claimer: I own Evyn Dolrson. Clearly.

In this chapter, Loki is feminine and uses "she/her/hers" pronouns.

Loki discovered she was female when she left her hall one afternoon, climbing up to the rafters and walking along them, heading towards her session. She liked traveling this way, unseen for the most part, since it was rare that anyone thought to look up. Her balance was perfect, but she found herself half hoping she would fall off. Sometimes she shook herself out of these thoughts, sometimes she had to climb back down to make sure she didn't actually fall.

Some days, she wondered why she even tried to stop herself.

The medicine had, for the most part, been working. She didn't feel happy, but she hadn't fallen back into an "episode," as Evyn called them. She also hadn't left the palace grounds for a month now and was becoming rather irritated.

She climbed down to the floor and knocked on the door, waiting for Evyn to call her in. It was a surprise when he opened the door, smiling.

"I thought we'd have our session in the gardens today, if that's alright," he said. "It's such a lovely day, I thought it a shame to miss it."

It was indeed a nice day, though Loki hadn't been paying much attention. The weather had been turning colder as autumn approached. But today was warm; the sun was shining and there was very little wind. Loki usually loved this sort of weather, walking through the city to purchase seasonal fruits.

"Loki? Are you here?" Evyn asked and Loki realized her mind had been drifting.

"Hmm? Oh, that's fine," Loki said. "I don't care."

"Alright," Evyn said, smile returning. They walked towards the gardens, side by side. "What were you thinking about?" He asked.

"Nothing," Loki said. "The weather."

Evyn tilted his head. "Nothing, or the weather?"

"The weather," Loki said, wishing he wouldn't do that.

"It's a nice time of year," he said, ignoring Loki's mental wishes. "It's like this on Alfheim nearly year-round."

Loki hummed in response. She had been to Alfheim on several occasions, but only ever for official reasons.

"How have you been feeling lately?" Evyn asked. Loki rolled her eyes. This question always irked her as well.

"Fine, I suppose," she said.

"You seem a bit different today."

Loki stiffened at the remark. "How so?" She said.

"You're wearing looser clothes," Evyn said. "And your hair is up."

Loki had indeed pulled her hair back into a sort of half-updo. Thor had worn his hair like this once or twice, but usually put it in a more elaborate way. Loki couldn't be bothered to do the same.

"I felt like it," she replied. They soon stopped at a stone bench and sat, enjoying the breeze.

"I have something for you," Evyn said and Loki glanced at what he was holding. He handed it to Loki, who frowned.

"...A coloring book."*

"And pencils," Evyn added. "I had a lot of my patients draw. It's a good stress reliever."

Loki flipped through the book, finding various pictures of flowers inside. "Why flowers?" She asked.

"Why not?" Evyn replied with a shrug. Loki closed the book, chewing on her cheek.

"Thank you," she said, knowing that the book would probably end up tucked away from prying eyes in her bedroom. Evyn smiled and a silence stretched.

"Loki," he said at last. "What happened during your kingship?"

Loki's heart skipped a beat and she blinked, then turned to look at him, eyes wide. "What?"

"Your kingship," Evyn repeated. "What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Loki was quick to answer. Evyn blinked.

"Alright," he said. "What about Thor's coronation? What was your point of view?"

"Why do you want to know?" Loki asked, anger simmering under the surface. Her hands were growing hot and her stomach felt like it had dropped out from under her. She swallowed and Evyn replied, calm as ever.

"Loki, we have been doing sessions for several weeks now," he said. "I want to know more about you. Both of those things are major life events."

"And do I have to talk about them?" Loki snapped, standing up. Evyn raised his eyebrows slightly.

"Not if you don't want to," he said. "We could talk about your brother inste—"

"He is not my brother!" Loki snarled and then stopped, a cold feeling spreading through her body. Evyn tilted his head to the side.

"How do you mean?"

Loki's mouth felt dry. She swallowed and turned away. "I'm getting hot. Can we go back inside?"

"Of course," Evyn said and stood, handing the book and pencils back. They returned to the session room and Loki walked in, Evyn closing the door behind them. But instead of sitting, Loki paced.

"Loki," Evyn said, sitting down, his voice quiet. "Can you tell me what you're feeling right now?"

"No," Loki snapped. Evyn watched her for a few moments.

"You seem irritated," he said at last. "And angry. Possibly upset and confused. That's okay, ut I think we need to talk about it."

"I don't want to," Loki said, beginning to tremble as the cold feeling spread further.

"Why not?"

"I don't—" Loki shook her head. "I don't know, okay? I don't know!"

"I think you do," Evyn said.

"I don't!" Loki shouted, turning. "I don't know!"

Her hands were clenched, shoulders tense, teeth bared in a snarl as her chest heaved. Evyn was quiet for a moment before he reached into the basket besides his chair, searching through it for a moment. "Catch this," he said and tossed something to Loki, who caught it without looking. "Open it up."

Loki opened the container, jaw clenched, and pulled out a white, almost gluey substance. She took it out and said "Now what?"

"Sit down, please," Evyn said and Loki glared at him before sitting. "Now," he said. "Focus on the putty. What does it look like? What does it feel like? What does it smell like? Use your senses, there's no wrong answer."

Loki rolled her eyes. "It feels sticky," she said, tone flat. "And slimy."

"Good," Evyn said, nodding. "What else?"

"It's white," she continued, sighing. "And it smells like too many people have been touching it."

Evyn smiled. "What else? What can you do wit I?"

Get it stuck in Thor's hair. The thought came to her out of nowhere and she blinked. "Get it stuck in hair." She stopped squeezing it in her hands and let it relax. "Pretend it's spilled milk. Slip on it if it's put somewhere careless."

"Is that all?" Evyn asked. Loki ground her teeth.

"I can throw it at people," she said.

"Would that relieve your anger?" He asked.

"Maybe."

"Throw it at the wall, then."

Loki looked up at him in surprise. He indicated the wall. "Go ahead," he said.

And so Loki threw it. She put force behind it, letting the putty fly from her hand. It landed on the wall with a satisfying smacking noise and stuck to the wall.

"Better?" Evyn asked.

"No."

"Then do it again."

Loki did, walking over and gathering the putty and throwing it at the opposite wall, letting out a scream this time as she did. She then walked over and punched the wall with another scream, then again and again until Evyn got there and grabbed her wrists, pulling her away. "Let me go!" Loki screamed. "Let me go! Let me go, you bastard! Let me go!"

He released her and she yelped, catching herself as she stumbled forwards. She stopped screaming and looked at him, her back pressed against a wall. She hadn't been expecting him to actually let her go. Her chest heaved and she wrapped her arms around herself, trembling as the anger dissolved. Her breath trembled and she let herself slide to the floor, squeezing her eyes shut as she curled up.

Evyn knelt down in front of her, not saying anything. Loki clenched her jaw to try and stop it from trembling, hiding her face until Evyn said "Loki. It's okay. This is okay. You can cry."

"I hate this," she let out. "I hate this, I hate this, I hate this!"

"That's okay," Evyn murmured. "That's okay."

"It's not okay!" She hissed in reply, tears still flowing down her cheeks. "I hate this place, I hate Odin and Thor and you the entirety of fucking Asgard. I haven't left the grounds in forever and I can't without dissolving into a m-mess!"

She buried her face in her arms and cried, tears wetting her sleeves, gasping for breath and leaning into Evyn as he placed a hand on her shoulder, rubbing it in reassurance. Loki reached up and grabbed it, squeezing it. "I-" She hissed in between sobs. "I hate everything."

Evyn carefully wrapped an arm around her, like he wasn't sure if she would allow it. Loki leaned further into his embrace and he settled down, humming. "That's okay," he repeated. "That's alright."

It felt like a long time before she quieted, her face flushed, her face a mess of snot and tears. She sniffed and Evyn held out a few tissues, which Loki accepted with a quiet "Thank you."

She blew her nose, wiping her eyes with her sleeve as she stood, Evyn's grip on her elbow to steady her. She went to the chair and saw down, Evyn pouring her a glass of water. "Here, drink this," he said,l passing it over. "I often find I feel dehydrated when I cry."

Loki's cheeks felt hot and she sipped, not saying anything. Evyn settled back down and said "Loki," he said, voice still quiet. "Why do you think you reacted like that?"

Loki sniffed and shrugged. "I don't know," she whispered. "I'm sorry."

"Thank you for the apology," he said. "And I'm not angry at you. I was just worried you would hurt yourself." He paused. "Did you hurt yourself?"

Loki shook her head and he nodded. "That's good," he said and checked the clock. "Unfortunately, our official session has just ended. But you may stay if you wish to compose yourself before leaving."

Loki nodded and blinked a little. Evyn stood and walked off, gathering the putty and putting it back into its container.

"I'm adopted," Loki said at last, feeling hollow. "And I didn't know until recently."

Evyn sat down again, putting the container of putty back into the basket. "Would you like to talk about it?"

"Session's over," Loki mumbled, glancing up. Evyn smiled a little.

"I don't have any pressing matters to attend to," he said. "If you need to talk, then go ahead."

Loki opened her mouth to speak, but there was a knock at the door. Evyn sighed and said "Hold on a moment."

He opened the door and slipped out, returning a moment later. "Sorry about that," he said, sitting down again. "Please, continue."

Loki nodded and licked her lips, taking another sip of water. "I'm adopted," she repeated after a while. "But I didn't—" Loki sighed. "I suppose I should tell the whole story. And to start that, I must tell you about Thor."

Loki sipped more water and put the glass down. She was always better at telling stories when she could use her hands. "Thor has always been an arrogant man," she said. "Always. He thinks he can hit things with his hammer and never think quite enough about the consequences. He is predictable, but all bets are off when he is angry. He scares every man with his temper, which can be ignited with so much as an ill-placed insult. He is all too forgiving, naïve, trusting, foolish, and blind to the sufferings of those who are less than him." Loki paused and took a deep breath.

"Regardless of all this," she said. "He is Odin's favorite and heir. And that is where the story begins.

"Thor has always been the favorite, ask anyone. He is the shining definition of what an aes should be. As such, he has many admirers and can easily get what he wants. The unfortunate thing is that only I could see his worst. He is dangerous and irrational. So when Odin announced that he would be crowning Thor in three years time, I had to say something.

"And so I went to Odin's study," Loki said, rubbing her eyes. "I tried to voice my concerns to him, but he wouldn't listen." She paused there and licked her lips again, picking up the water for a sip.

"I should probably tell you about Odin as well," she said, putting the glass back down. "He never listens to me. He never sees me, but when he does, he treats it like it's— like I'm an inconvenience. I've spent years trying to get his attention, but it seems that no matter what it is I do, I'm never quite good enough for him.

"And so it came to pass that I went to his study to voice my concerns about making Thor King. Hel, I brought it up on multiple occasions, but every time I dared, he brushed it off as 'yet another desperate bid for power'," Loki knew her voice had gone bitter, but she couldn't help it. "And that was even after I announced that I wasn't interested in the throne.

"Oh, but no one listens to Loki," she continued, sarcasm dripping in her tone. "No, no, no! But then people don't take my advice and they get in trouble. Oh, then they listen, don't they? 'Loki, get us out of trouble,' or 'Loki help us we messed up,' or even 'I know I've insulted you five times today, but I need you to do this for me,' and when I say 'no,' they'll scream and they'll plead until they blame everything on me. And if I relent and help, guess who never gets thanked? Or acknowledged? Or—and this happens the most—Thor takes all the damn credit!"

Loki was pacing now in front of the sofa. She stopped and dropped her hands, sighing as she sat back down. "I'm sure you know by now at least a few of my nicknames," she said, voice hollow. "Loki the Liesmith, Loki Silvertongue, Loki, Weaver of Words... Nearly all of them have something to do with my ability to speak, all referring to my ability to lie." She looked up at Evyn. "And yet not once has anyone asked me what I think of it. No one wonders if I like it."

Evyn had been silent, watching in consideration. Now, he said softly "What do you think of it?"

Loki blinked, now unsure to what to say. She chewed on the inside of her cheek and wiped her eyes. "I don't know," she said, voice dropping. "I don't— I wouldn't care," she looked at the floor, running her fingers through her hair. "I just wish..." She sighed. "I just wish someone would believe me when I spoke."

Evyn said nothing and Loki sighed again, standing up. "Thank you," she said, picking up the coloring book and pencils. "I'll see you next time."

"Alright," Evyn said, also standing. "I'll see you then."

Loki nodded and walked to the door, but paused and turned. "Evyn?"

"Yes, Loki?" Evyn asked, looking up.

"...I don't hate you. I- I shouldn't've said that."

Evyn smiled. "Thank you, Loki," he said. "I don't hate you either."

Loki nodded and stepped out of the door, closing it behind her and walking back to her hall. She felt raw and exposed and she was almost positive she looked like a mess. When she reached her hall, she closed the door and sat down at her desk, sighing and tossing the book and pencils in front of her, leaning back and closing her eyes.

After a while, she sat straight and looked at the coloring book. With hesitance, she opened the cover, picked out a colored pencil, and began to draw.

Notes:

*Thank you to Nyx_Ro on AO3 for the idea of Loki having a coloring book, as well as everyone who reviewed/followed/favorited!

In future chapters, when the story is in someone else's POV, Loki's pronouns will always be "he/him/his." This is not meant to cause gender-dysphoria, but if you are especially triggered by such things, let me know and I'll put a warning in the beginning of chapters where that happens. The only reason I vary between feminine, masculine, and non-binary pronouns is so that you guys know what gender Loki is in a given chapter, everyone else uses "he/him/his" pronouns for him at all times because he's not told anyone other than Frigga that he sometimes feels otherwise. I will announce this again at the beginning of the chapter where this happens.