Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel.

Claimer: I own Evyn.

TRIGGER WARNING: There is discussion of Loki's attempted suicide in this chapter. This was a very emotionally draining chapter to write for me, so if you get distressed, or triggered, I highly suggest you skip this chapter, or at least skip to the line-break (it's still emotional after that, but more like how "Thor: The Dark World" is emotional).

In this chapter, Loki is masculine and goes by "he/him/his" pronouns.

The room was silent, Loki looking at the floor. He had just finished his story to Evyn, pausing when Thor had pulled him up onto the Bifrost. His hands were clenched, nails digging into his palm as Evyn watched him.

"Loki," he said at last. "Was this the first time you attempted suicide?"

Loki clenched and unclenched his jaw a few times, taking a deep breath before giving a single nod, his eyes closed.

"What were your thoughts when Thor pulled you up?"

Loki licked his lips again and didn't reply. Evyn seemed to understand, for he said "Take your time."

"I was—" Loki hesitated, wanting nothing more than to flee. His shoulders were tensed and he wanted to go, to hide. "I was... angry." He mumbled, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment. "I wanted..." He cleared his throat. "I wanted..." He couldn't finish, his head bent to avoid looking at Evyn.

"Did you want Thor to let go?" Evyn asked, his voice soft, without judgment. Loki swallowed and gave a shaky nod. He felt weak.

"Here," Evyn said and poured Loki a cup of tea, handing it over. Loki accepted it, hating how his hands shook and took a sip. "Loki," Evyn said, sitting back again. "Was that your first attempt at suicide?"

Loki took another sip of tea and nodded, eyes still averted.

"Do you..." Loki paused and licked his lips. "Do you think I'm a monster?" His voice came out smaller than he had intended and he flinched. He heard Evyn shift in his chair.

"No, Loki," Evyn said and Loki flinched again No, Loki. "Loki, listen to me," Evyn continued. "I do not think you are a monster. I think you are a man who has held in too much and who has been afraid for a long time."

Loki looked up then, just a little, swallowing and glancing around. "Do... I'm not a monster?"

"You're not," Evyn confirmed. "Quite the opposite. I think you're a good man, Loki. Your heart is in the right place."

Loki nodded and took another sip of tea. "...But not the rest of me." Evyn sighed a little and Loki looked up. "What do you think is wrong with me?" He said.

Evyn tilted his head, considering Loki for a moment. "I think you're depressed," he said. "I think you're anxious. There's certainly an inferiority complex, most definitely an identity crisis. But I want to tell you something." Evyn steepled his fingers and said "You are Loki. You have always been Loki and you will always be Loki. There will never be anyone like you, though others may bear the same name."

Loki nodded. "I know."

"And what Odin did to you is not your fault."

"I know."

Evyn considered Loki for a moment. "Do you think about suicide often?"

Loki shrugged, his face flushing again. "No..." He trailed off. Evyn waited and Loki sighed. "Sometimes. But not- Not, I want to k-kill myself. Just... I just wonder..." Loki gestured a little and hugged his elbows, hunching in on himself. "I don't know."

"What do you wonder?" Evyn said, pressing lightly. Loki shrugged and Evyn hummed. "Take your time."

Loki was quiet for a few minutes before whispering "I just... Would anyone... miss me?" He bit his lip and glanced up at Evyn. "I think a few might. Mother. Maybe Thor." He clenched his jaw and looked down again. "I don't know," he whispered. "I don't even know why I- Why am I still here?" Evyn was silent for a moment.

"A patient once told me," Evyn said, "that there is a cat they look after. That they have a garden where butterflies land in spring and lay their eggs. They once told me that perhaps that was they had no large mission in life. Perhaps they were meant only to make sure a cat had a full belly and to make sure butterflies had a place to land. Perhaps their only real mission was to offer comfort and see others." Evyn tilted his head. "I myself have wondered why I am here. Perhaps I am only meant to be a healer. And perhaps, Loki, that is good enough."

Loki nodded, not looking up. Evyn sighed and said "Loki, I want you to keep a journal." Loki looked up at that, frowning a little. Evyn continued, "Every time you see something that you like, that makes you want to live, write it down. It doesn't have to be much; maybe it's a sunrise. Maybe it's a person. Maybe it's a flower, or someone's laugh, or even just a food you like. Write it down."

"Why?" Loki asked. Evyn smiled.

"I'm getting there," he said. "When you feel sad, when you feel like you want to die, look at it. When you can't remember why you're here, look at it." Evyn smiled at Loki and said "Maybe Fate doesn't have a large part for you to play. Perhaps you are meant to teach children how to read, or buy apples to give away to people who need them, or plant flowers in the garden, watch sunrises, and read books. And you have to ask yourself if that is enough.

"You're a good person, Loki. And I think the children would miss you. I think your family would." Evyn leaned his elbows on his knees, resting his chin in his hands. "I would miss you, too."

Loki's head snapped up to look at him, eyes wide. "You would?"

"I would," Evyn confirmed. Loki blinked sipped his tea, looking into the cup.

"Thank you," Loki said. He fidgeted his fingers for a few minutes and then gave a little smile. "Did I tell you Thor wants to learn a little sorcery?"

Evyn smiled and shook his head. "No, I don't think you did," he said. Loki nodded.

"It seems like... He says he wants to understand me better."

"That seem like a good idea," Evyn said. "Do you have any interest in teaching him?"

Loki looked up, startled. "He hasn't asked." He then shook his head. "We haven't been on the best of terms. We've only spoken once since he, ah, found out."

"I see," Evyn said. "It seems like he's trying to reconcile with you." He took a sip of tea. "Have you thought about what I said on the subject last? Telling him what it is he has done wrong?"

Loki shook his head. "No, not yet," he replied. "I've been..." He trailed off, waving a hand. Evyn nodded.

"That's okay," he said. "Loki, do you want to reconcile with him?"

Loki hesitated, pouring himself some more tea to avoid answering. "I think," he said when he sat back. "I think... I don't know. I... I want to. But..." He trailed off again. Evyn said nothing, simply waited. Loki shrugged and didn't continue, averting his eyes. "Yes," he whispered at last. "But I don't know how."

Loki twisted his fingers, feeling his eyes sting. "What if he doesn't like it and decides to stop? It- Sorcery- People don't succeed with sorcery right away. It takes years, and Thor's never really tried it before."

"Ah," Evyn said, nodding in understanding. "You're afraid he'll get bored." Loki nodded and Evyn hummed. "That can be difficult. Would you like my advice?"

Loki nodded slowly.

"I think," Evyn said, "that you should wait for him to come to you and ask. Perhaps provide him with books to get himself started, but don't commit yourself to his cause until you know that he is committed. Let him know how long it takes. Tell him it won't just happen instantly; you and I know some branches of magic are easier for people to grasp than others, but make sure he knows that. Start simple."

Loki considered it for a few moments. "That sounds... reasonable," he said at last. "I- Thank you."

"You're very welcome," Evyn said and smiled. He then glanced at the time and said "And what do you know, time's up. Don't forget your journal assignment!"

Loki nodded and stood, thanking Evyn again before heading back to his rooms. Once he was alone, he sat at his desk and sighed, scrubbing his hands over his face. When he looked up again, he saw the coloring book Evyn had given him. He had been filling it out at his leisure, and he pulled it out now, flipping it open and taking out a box of colored pastels, choosing a soft yellow and beginning to work on a flower.

Frigga came the next morning with breakfast, knocking on the door. There was no reply and she frowned, opening the door and peering in, letting the breakfast tray float in behind her. "Loki?" She called, walking through his parlor and through to his study, then the bedroom, moving on. "Sweetness, are you awake?"

It was then that she heard it. Music, playing somewhere. She carried on, through the dining area, letting the tray settle itself. She eventually came to what she had always thought of as Loki's storage room. The door was open and she peered in, opening it a little more.

Loki had his back to her, still in his nightclothes, hair mussed on one side. He was playing the piano, head bent and moving as his fingers moved along the keys. Frigga smiled and leaned against the doorway, hands clasped in front of her. There was no music sheet for him; he played either from memory or improvisation, or perhaps a little of both, she thought. The tune sounded faintly familiar.

When it finished, Frigga gave a sigh just loud enough for Loki to hear. The boy whipped around, blinking when he saw her. "Oh," he said, glancing down, his face reddening. "I- I didn't hear you enter."

"Forgive me, Loki," Frigga said, walking in. "You play very beautifully."

"...Thank you," Loki mumbled. Frigga smiled and pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

"I come bearing breakfast," she said, pulling away. "Are you hungry?"

"Yes," Loki said, standing. "Thank you, Mother."

Frigga patted his cheek and smiled, leading the way back to where she had left the breakfast tray. They sat down and Frigga began taking things off of the tray. "When did you start playing again?" She asked. "You loved it so much when you were younger, and you were always very talented."

Loki gave a little shrug, mumbling something in reply. Frigga smiled and said "You know, the jotnar have lovely music as well."

Loki groaned and put his head in his arms on the table. "Really?" He said. "Must we do this again?"

"I think it would be a good experience," Frigga said for the umpteenth time that week. Loki huffed and sat up again, stabbing the fruit on his plate with unnecessary viciousness before eating it. Frigga sighed. "Loki," she said. "You cannot avoid this forever."

"I'm not avoiding it," Loki said. "I'm not!" He insisted when Frigga raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm just... considering it."

Frigga put her fork down and placed her hands on the table, lacing her fingers together. "Have you talked to Healer Evyn about it?"

"I have," Loki said.

"And?"

Loki glared up at her. "Mother, please," he said. "What I say in sessions are none of your business."

"Fair enough," Frigga replied, but couldn't help but feel disappointed. "But still."

Loki sighed and put his fork down. "Why," he asked, "is it so important that I go to Alfheim and meet other jotnar?"

"Because though your father-"

"He is not my father!" Loki hissed, standing up, his hands braced on the table. Frigga looked up at him, her face calm.

"Then am I not your mother?"

Loki's jaw and fists clenched. He straightened and considered her for a moment before turning away, looking out the window instead. Frigga stood and moved around the table to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Loki," she said, her voice soft. "Am I not your mother?"

He refused to look at her, even as her fingers carded through his hair. "Loki," she whispered.

"You are not."

The words hung in the air between them and Frigga sighed softly, continuing to comb her fingers through his hair for a moment longer. "Always so perceptive," she said, her voice shaking slightly. "Of everyone but yourself."

She pressed a light kiss to his cheek and pulled away, even as he turned to face her, lips parted a fraction. Her eyes were filled with tears, but she refused to let them fall as she turned towards the door.

Loki didn't call her back.

Notes:

I don't know that I've made this clear, but given the events from the past few days, as well as the nature of this chapter, I find it necessary to say this:

I read every comment I get. I reread every comment I get. I re-reread every comment I get, because I love you all too much to express with words. I cried and I worried when I heard about everything that happened on Friday; I have readers all over the place, and it makes me feel sick to know that one of you could be hurt, because I would never be able to find out. YOU are the reason I continue to write and post my work. YOU are what motivates me through my day so that I have time to write and post.

So when I say thank you for your comments and your follows and your favorites, I don't just mean it because I'm a selfish walnut who likes attention. I say thank you and I mean it, because you mean something to me. Because you, readers, are very, very dear to me. YOU MATTER. No matter who you are, or where you are, you mean something. You are not worthless, even if people tell you that you are. You are not stupid, even in you sometimes feel like you are. YOU ARE YOU, and that is nothing to regret. You are beautiful, you are smart, you matter, and you and your emotions and opinions are valid.

So thank you, readers. Thank you for being you. Thank you for reading, and commenting, and sharing your love with me. Thank you for giving me the motivation to get through my day. If there is something you want to say, or if you ever need to talk, I will always listen, even if I don't always know how to reply. You are heard.

Thank you.