Dammit, how can just one conversation turn around my day so much. Damn, damn, damn I mutter with every strike of my boots on the deck.

We had all spilled out onto the bridge, laughing at the cuteness of miral in her engineering gold tucked in the sling, looking forwards to seeing family. Tom was imagining Harry's weight gain after a weekend of apple pie with his parents, and he was retaliating in kind with unlimited pizza and a weigh in challenge is being uploaded to the scuttlebutt. They commiserate with Chakotay until I remind them of my mother's chocolate caramel brownies, that is if he joins my family. There is a general eyeroll. Damnit we are not joined at the hip! I quickly let go of his hand. Seven wasn't on the bridge, Tuvok notified me that she expected me to attend her in astrometrics, we mirrored our eyebrow raises. Seven still doesn't follow command.

Admiral Paris commed and gave the disembarking plan. A landing on the presidio with a light lunch for guests. Crew could then either go home, though there were security concerns, or with family and counsellor availability, avail themselves of a Starfleet private resort, one of the new Hawaiian islands. Just voyager guests and chosen family. All needs catered. He had looked at Tom as he said this, clearly hoping to Tom would go home. When I muttered about Hawaii, I was told that I could break that need to my mother. More laughter and general excitement from the younger bridge crew. After, there was little to do on the bridge, so Chakotay left to organise the crews plans, and I took the time to talk to Tuvok, who would be returning to Vulcan. We were interrupted nearly immediately by Seven's imperious voice requesting my presence. Damn, I should have ignored her. Instead Tuvok informed me that I should not defer this, and left.

And stupidly, in my morning after blissful state, I went. Stupidly not tactically assessing the situation first. Stupidly not realising it would be an emotional court martial. Oh and I understand her, I understand her all too well and my heart goes out to her. And she damn well understands me, and all the buttons worth pressing are centred around abnegation, guilt, atonement. She damn well pressed them all.

So now, now I am damned well stomping back to the bridge. I have been dismissed. Captain's should not be so petty, but my parade is well and truly rained on. I angrily make a detour to the holodeck before going up to the bridge. I guess that they think I will make a grand entrance for the drama of the last day. All I want to do now is sneak in unnoticed, and sit in the ready room nursing a coffee whilst I untangle my head. Instead, I am going to followup a niggling doubt. As expected, when i get to the holodeck and look, i can see that there has been a copy of the whole night's events, and it doesn't surprise me that it is Tom. I make my own copy, and then delete all the recording in the holodeck from the doctor singing onwards. Just another thing to sour my mood further.

'hand it over, Paris' are my opening words as I stride out of the turbolift onto the bridge. He looks surprised, and looking around, I realise that there was going to be some fuss over my arrival. no doubt a damned 'captain on the bridge' I wave my hand. 'I love you all, we got here as family, yep we are home, but I am still the same hard assed captain. Hand it over, Tom, NOW'

The rest of the bridge crew are looking at me, appalled. They have no idea. Grabbing the data ribbon from Tom, I stomp towards my ready room. 'i'll take calls in here, tuvok, you have the bridge, Chakotay, please confirm the crews response to the starfleet disembarquement plan' I don't give him chance to say it is complete. Even as the ready room door closes I can hear them all turning to Chakotay. Damnit, it was annoying enough that they did that when we were just, well, whatever we damn well were. Now we are lovers, oh! I have to pause as that triggers the sensation of his lips on mine. Damnit! Janeway concentrate! Behaving like a fool cadet. I have perhaps 5 seconds before he comes in here, and I better make the most of that time. 'coffee, black', three, two, one and here is the chime.

'Captain?' hmm formal voice noted. i sip my coffee to extract as much strength possible from it before looking up at the concerned eyes of my first officer. ok, i can't do the full captain mode any more, even looking at him triggers my dizzy cadet mood. Guilt or no guilt, my armour is shredded. thank all the delta deities that I didn't do this whilst we were out there. How would I have been so determined. This had better be a short term aberration. instead, I power down from red alert down to yellow. I am ready to be humoured into a better mood, and he better damn well do it.

'commander?' I do like making him work for it still, I wouldn't want him to think he now has carte blanche to hover and mollify me with meaningless platitudes, or perhaps gentle kisses. Janeway! I twitch up my eyebrow, and then watch him wonder what his next move should be, but damnit, I think he has seen something in my eyes, as instead he goes for the full dimple smile at me. 'Kathryn, what is it? were you upset by the informality at breakfast? we can tone it down? or have you had news?' blast it to hell, he does always know how to get me into a better frame of mind. It is hard to stay in this prickly mood when faced with smiles and care.

I stand up from behind my desk and go sit on the couch, patting for Chakotay to sit down. The number of times we have sat here together. 'this is a little awkward, chakotay, and has put me into an unreasonable grouch' he grins at me. 'do you want to be captain and tell me? or Kathryn and then come closer?' eyeing him and starting to smile, I assure him that I Have what I need all ready, after all, I have coffee. at this he shouts a laugh and i find I am much closer than I had planned with him holding my hand. I'm not sure that I can be bothered to remind him we are on duty since we are on our own. I am not sure whether he is going to laugh or... get on with it Janeway!

'I have had an... encounter... with Seven in astrometrics. Well, i had said at breakfast we could discuss the, er, relationship changes later, and her later was efficiently as soon as admiral Paris cut the line' he snorts at that and I notice his arm snakes around my shoulders. 'where she asked her usual damn searching questions to understand her relationship termination.' a pause as we both think about this.

'I'm sorry Kathryn' he murmurs 'spirits, what an f-ing mess I have made' 'we' I counter.

'was it very... difficult?' I turn to face him and shrug. Did he not notice my mood?

I hand him my empty mug, which he obligingly fills with further coffee 'kathryn, you will limit this, when we are living together'

That certainly deserves a low level stare. 'is that a ... command? commander?' he grins, ignoring the signs of danger 'i will just need to provide an ... alternative distraction' I look at him in half horror. 'What have I done!' I whisper 'created a monster!' and my lips twitch with the smile, as I realise that he has suggested we will be living together.

'so, seven?'

'She had asked me last night, before the party, what my feelings were for you, and would be if you both remained a couple. I was honest that I would have done my best to be happy for you, to move on, but it would be hard. I thank everything that I am not going to have to, Chakotay, but I really would have tried. She asked if I would expect the same from her, as she wasn't sure that she could do this. I said I hoped that would be the case, and then she launched into a diatribe on my insensitivity to her needs, jealously taking you away, limiting her opportunity to embrace humanity - you presumably. That she felt anger and betrayal as well as shock at my disappointing behavior. That by limiting this opportunity to explore sexuality by my selfishness, I had lost her good opinion. She dressed me down Chakotay!. The doctor, apparently, removed one of her borg implants to allow her to feel emotion more fully, for you, Chakotay.' I feel him stiffen, but carry on 'last night she was hoping to engage in ... a more physical relationship..., as she thought you would be skilled and considerate - her very words before determining your compatability now her choices were expanded in the alpha quadrant.'

'she said copulation didn't she Kathryn' I snort.

'not then, Chakotay, she used the word later when she asked me if copulation with you had occurred and been satisfactory. I damned nearly lost my temper at the question. Instead, I told her that physical relationships were considered private, and not usually discussed so dispassionately.'

'and was it'

'was what?' damn but I think nuzzling around my ear is probably crossing the line, it is certainly affecting my ability to think

'satisfactory' and the damn man smirks at me. i get up swiftly and sit myself back down behind my desk. 'That's enough Chakotay! I'm bringing us back to order' and he shrugs, 'later then' and grins more widely at my heated flush.

'she did offer a surprise apology. She meant me to believe that you had been intimate, and had hoped that would stop this' I gesture between us 'she apparently always knew of our feelings, but had supposed that we wouldn't act on them. She had assumed that as long as we were in the delta quadrant that if you er...' 'copulated' he adds helpfully 'that you would be committed to her' he nods, we both know that this would likely be the case 'and that I wouldn't interfere, she has noted my 'inefficient predilection for self sacrifice' for others happiness' a smile ruefully at the accuracy 'so this was her attempt to dissuade me from interrupting your pairbond' I am nearly quoting.

'of course, I was trying very hard to empathise rather than shout at the deception, after all, I felt the shock when she announced your relationship, my heart broke, Chakotay' he has lost his smile again 'i know, kathryn, I...'

'sorry' I bite my lip 'i did and do understand, and I don't want us to keep circling around this. I was just trying to say I might understand how hearing about our relationship would make her feel. However, she told me that emotions were irrelevant. She was more concerned about her loss of stature with the crew, and the disruption to her familiar relationships as we entered the alpha quadrant. She had previously stated her anxiety about returning to the alpha quadrant, and she did not wish to be without her current collective. I did attempt to reassure her that we would be still all spending significant time together, and that I would always have time for her. however, she is more logical than that, and explained all the occasions that this would not occur.' I sigh, 'chakotay, we do need to make sure that all our crew, but particularly those like Seven have our full support for as long as it is required'

chakotay surprises me by his silence, and when I look at him, I realise that Seven's words have the power to hurt him, he was ready to transfer his love and devotion to her, and she admitted no reciprocal emotion to me.

'chakotay, I am sure that she did or does have feelings for you, she is just... Seven. I am not the right person for her to discuss this with. She did say that she chose you for your attractive qualities, the esteem that I and the crew held you in, your ability to enhance her exploration of her humanity and her understanding that just as you had never pushed me, that you would not push her in the development of the relationship. I had to agree that she showed excellent judgement ' and as his smirk starts to reappear, I cannot help remembering that she added that she felt his sense of humour was on occasion unacceptable, and that he had an irrational tendency to clutch at superstition. She would not miss adapting to this. I think I will delay telling Chakotay this though. I also won't ask again what he was thinking. I am amazed that this relationship went anywhere in the Delta quadrant even. A lonely man and an ex Borg desperate to feel.

'chakotay, she said she had disregarded me as I rival as well because, because I am too old. That I couldn't compare to her youth and beauty. My best years were behind me!' I don't mean to grind this out, it shouldn't bother me so much. But I feel old now. I am less beautiful.' Even I know that I am being ridiculous, jealous of her youth.

'Kathryn, love, you have always been beautiful, and you always will be, but love, our love, isn't about age or appearance. Is it? It is about who we are, the connection we share, dammit I love you for your fire and spirit. For you.!' he has both my hands in his,and his eyes, so full of love and sincerity that I curse myself for foolishness. 'i know, really, but... Well she is damned Borg perfection! Even I didn't really think I could be a rival, I nearly determined just to let go rather than be humiliated!' he kisses my forehead and I regain my sense of humour.

'thank the spirits for Janeway pigheaded stubbornness' I give a shout of laughter and agree.

'and then she asked about our 'copulation', that she had thought that one should have a significant number of dates to confirm compatibility before copulation was permissible if one planned to have a stable relationship rather than to just relinquish one's higher cognitive function to baser needs.' at that Chakotay roars with laughter. 'Hence your mood Kathryn! Don't worry, seven years of dates should count, if her opinion on this matters to you.'

I let him think that last sentence a while longer.

'kathryn? you think who else might be thinking that? the crew? the admiralty? your family? me?' and there you have it. damnit. the spectacular about turn of my mood. 'kathryn' and he is perched on the desk, taking my hand in his. 'is this what has upset you? and the damned jokes at breakfast? i love you, I see that we have had a seven year courtship, even if there are a few... detours and glitches on the way. Last night was perfect, wonderful. I can't believe you care this much about what others think'

'not others' i force out 'our crew, our voyager family. I realise that I want them to not... think less of us, cheapen what this means for us.'

'oh Kathryn' and he strokes my face 'half of the crew last night couldn't believe that we hadn't been a couple, if discreet, for most of the journey, they have all known of my feelings for you, and given last nights outpouring of love, i am damn sure that they knew your love for me. Didn't you see how happy they were for us in the mess? I am sure Seven is fairly unique in her viewpoint, that damned doctors socialisation programme.'.I hear Chakotay subvocalising threats and i have to buck up. Clearly I also have some issues of confidence too.

'this, us, means everything to me Chakotay, I don't want it to feel cheap, or tawdry or anything else than the pure expression of love long cherished '

'then, so be it Kathryn. Where we lead, they will follow and be truly happy for us, as they always have been. And where does Paris come into this?'

'oh, well' and i feel a bit shamefaced about this now 'he took a holo of the *whole* party and I was feeling a bit... exposed... about my er dancing and then our...' and I tail off.

'stand up Kathryn and come here, front and centre!'

A passionate kiss of affirmation later and we are walking out to an absolutely silent bridge.

i put my hand up ' I apologise, I have been somewhat hasty in my temper today. No, Tom, you can't have it back. Senior team to the briefing room.' I don't invite Seven, I know her opinion.

when we are there, I ask their honest opinion of the new relationship between myself and the commander. 'If there are any objections or concerns I want to hear them now.' Chakotay smiles 'not that I am going to brook any interference, not after all this time' I drawl. I might as well be absolutely clear.

Tuvok is first to speak 'I am very glad for you, Captain. I wish you health and prosperity together. Mr Chakotay is an excellent choice for life partner as he has been for first officer.' he turns to Chakotay 'I expect you to continue to perform all duties to the best of your ability' and is then quiet. I am not sure whether to be shocked or giggle. Does he mean all the implications? A small quirk suggests that he does indeed. 'thankyou Tuvok, your approval is important to me' manages to come out without a squeak. Harry and Tom talk over themselves to give their approval. B'elanna jumps straight in, wondering why it is anyone else's business. the whole crew is ecstatic, and why would we think that there is a damned prob... its Seven isn't it. Ah yes, B'elanna sees straight to the heart of it.

I am grateful for all their opinions, and the senior crew promise to review what the crew thinks, but suggest I assume that they are all glad to see us happy. I remind them, B'Elanna in particular, that seven does have a right to feel uncomfortable, and I expect all the senior team to keep that thought uppermost and help her acclimatise. 'adapt' B'Elanna snorts, loud enough for me to notice.

I find that Chakotay and I are holding hands. 'resistance is futile' he murmurs to me, and we take our place back on the bridge in time for Admiral Paris's final hail. It is time to bring this ship home.

-0-0-0-

this chapter perhaps mostly written as I think there would be some seven fallout. She is pretty direct.