2 Months Earlier

Rodney stumbled into his room. He couldn't stop the feelings of guilt overwhelming him. It was all his fault. He was the one that pushed forward with the test... he wasn't even as confident as he projected, he was just desperate. Desperate for anything to stop the wraith, to make up for everyone that died. Not just Collins... but everyone. He could have saved them if he'd only... Rodney sighed as he grabbed his target: a large bottle of whisky. He'd been saving this for a special occasion. Rodney huffed to himself... as if there could be anything worth celebrating now.

Rodney took the bottle with him and walked over to a balcony. People looked at him as he walked, he could hear them mutter amongst themselves but he didn't care. He deserved it, really. He destroyed that solar system, and almost killed Sheppard along with himself. Rodney seated himself on the ground of the balcony, and looked up to the night sky. He found himself wondering which one was Doranda... and so pulled out his tablet and looked it up. It didn't take long, and he'd found the star. He took a large gulp of the amber liquid, cringed, and then looked back up to the sky. It was still there... it was like everything that was plaguing his mind never happened.

Carson had seen Rodney fail before, but never on this scale. The doctor knew he was probably one of the few people on Atlantis that knew the truth about Rodney's bravado. They'd had a rather deep conversation at one point, and Rodney had told him about how he felt like he was responsible for everyone's safety, and the only way to deal with that pressure was to act like he could do everything - so that somehow he might believe it himself. Carson knew he was still arrogant, such was his personality, but it wasn't the obnoxious arrogance he projected outwards. He felt he was smarter than everyone, and therefore had to protect them. Carson hadn't realised just how big of a burden the man carried until that day. And today he would be carrying all of it, and the guilt as well. Everyone else was too angry at him to realise how hard he was taking it, but Carson could see it even from where he stood in the control centre as Elizabeth publicly berated him.

The doctor got worried then, and has only since gotten more worried as the day ended. Rodney had taken scolding from Elizabeth, Sheppard, Radek and even Teyla. He then slunk away, and hasn't been seen by any of them since. Carson quickly finished off his duties in order to go visit his friend, but hadn't been able to find him. He went to Rodney's quarters, but he wasn't there. Radek had assured Carson that he wasn't in any of the labs, and so the doctor was at a loss. No doubt the scientist was hiding, but Carson was more concerned for what kind of state he'd be in. He wanted to help! He was his friend, possibly best friend, after all.

On a whim Carson opened the door to a balcony not far from Rodney's place, and walked out searching. He wasn't there, but Carson could hear faint sobbing drifting over the gentle sounds of the ocean. He couldn't see him, but Carson knew he had to be out there somewhere… just a different balcony. It didn't take too long to find the right one.

Carson gently stepped out onto the darkened balcony, seeing his friend huddled up on the floor in the corner. Rodney had been crying, likely up until the door had opened, as evident by his red puffy eyes and wet cheeks.

"Carson?" Rodney asked, as if to make sure his friend was really there.

"Aye, Rodney, I'm here."

"Why are you here?"
"What does it look like? I'm here to be with you."

"Why?" Rodney asked, sounding defeated. Carson chose to seat himself beside his friend.
"Because you look like you could use a friend."

Rodney looked up at Carson, and the doctor could tell his friend was rather drunk already. Things were obviously not going well - Rodney barely drank as it was, so to see him trying to drown out everything with alcohol was a real warning sign.

"No." Rodney stated, closing his eyes and concentrating. "I mean, why would you bother?"

Carson was a little taken aback by the question. He wasn't sure if it was just drunk Rodney asking strange questions, or if he really thought that little of himself.

"Because I care about you."

"You shouldn't. I'll just hurt you eventually." Rodney stuttered, slurring his speech. Carson patted him on his shoulder.

"No, love, you won't. I promise." Carson said gently, and then his stomach dropped at realising what he'd just called Rodney. He suddenly hoped Rodney was too drunk to notice.

"You… you care that much?" Rodney asked, looking deep into Carson's eyes.

"Of course I do." Carson stated, meaning more than what it sounded like. He'd had strong feelings for the scientist for some time, but kept them to himself. And now wasn't the best time to bring them up. Although, it was tempting to because Carson doubted Rodney was going to remember much of their encounter anyway. Rodney seemed placated with his answer, and leaned his head on Carson's shoulder.

"Thank you." Rodney uttered. "You're my only friend."

Carson looked down at the man leaning into him, feeling a strong sense of pity. Again, he wasn't sure if that was just something drunk Rodney thought or if it was something he really believed. Time went by and neither man said a word. Carson had to keep looking down to make sure Rodney was still awake. Sure enough, Rodney's eyes stayed open, reflecting the light of the city before them, as they stared off into the stars.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Carson asked gently. He could feel Rodney shaking his head softly, but even that seemed uncertain.

"I can pretend it never happened."
"Rodney…"
"No, really… see that star there?" Rodney slurred as he pointed into the sky. Carson had no idea which one he was pointing to, but played along.
"Yeah?"
"That's were Doranda is. It's still there… not gone. Time, it's funny… Cause it is gone, really, but it's not for here. Did…" Rodney hiccoughed, "Did you know that? Time is just … just relative."
"No, I don't really think about it."
"Mhm it is. The further away you look, the further back in time you see…I just have to keep looking far away."
"Rodney…" Carson began, not wanting to disagree but also not wanting him to escape it all and not deal with the problem properly. But he was unable to begin, as Rodney started sobbing again, this time into Carson's shoulder. The doctor shifted to embrace his friend. "It's alright, love." Carson uttered to him while placing his chin on Rodney's head.

Rodney tried to take another large gulp of whiskey, but Carson took the bottle off him. Regrettably, there was only a small amount left lingering in the bottom of the glass.

"I'm sorry, Carsssssson." Rodney mumbled, having real difficultly articulating words.

"It's ok, Rodney. What's done is done now. We just have to move on and learn."

"No, I mean… you's takin care o'me, 'n I … I jussst wishh tha' I wasn't here 'nymore. 'S not fair on you…"

Rodney's words pierced Carson through the chest like ice. He focused on keeping his breathing steady in case Rodney noticed his shock.

"Ok, time for bed now." Carson said, standing and pulling Rodney to his feet. He had half a mind to take the scientist directly to the infirmary, but decided against it. That might not go down too well in the morning for anyone.

Carson half dragged Rodney into his quarters, and managed to get him at least on the bed. Rodney fell asleep almost instantly. Carson couldn't leave him alone, so decided to stay the night. He went into the small kitchen and poured himself a drink. Honestly, he wanted something stronger than water, but seeing how intoxicated Rodney was made him choose against it. He took off his boots and jacket, and flopped down onto the couch. He sighed, and rubbed his face in his hands.
"Good lord, what am I going to do now?"