Carson got up, sore from the couch, and started making himself some coffee. Initially he tried to be quiet, but after there wasn't as much as a stir from Rodney, he went about things as normal. He hadn't managed to get a whole lot of sleep, and he was due in the infirmary in 20 minutes. If Rodney didn't awake by then, he would have to either call in late or leave the man behind. Carson really didn't want to do either. He was glad he didn't have to decide, as it was at that moment he heard a loud groan from the bedroom. Carson grinned softly, and stood in the kitchen with his coffee awaiting Rodney's no doubt less than dramatic entrance.

It was a few minutes, and some cursing, later that Rodney stumbled out into the living area that separated the bedroom and kitchen. Carson stood there, looking serious but amused at his friend's dishevelled appearance. He took a sip of his coffee, and Rodney froze.

"Wha? Carson? What are you doing here?"

"Good morning to you too, Rodney."

"Yeah yeah yeah, but seriously, why are you in my quarters?"

"You don't remember?" Carson asked, more for the fun of it since he obviously didn't.

"What? What happened?"

"I found you out on the balcony having drunk what I hope wasn't an entire bottle of whiskey, and so I brought you here and stayed the night in case you needed me. Which, by the way, you did… otherwise you'd have quite the mess to clean up today." Carson said while he took another sip of his coffee, hinting at the rounds of vomiting Carson had managed to aim at the toilet (mostly). Rodney seemed a bit stunned.

"Oh. Sorry." he said, as he fidgeted with his sleeve.

"It's fine, Rodney, that's what friends do."
"Ah, so we are still friends?" Rodney asked, a tone of hope in his voice as well as one of doubt.

"Of course we bloody are. Now, how are you feeling?"
"Like Ronon punched me in the face…"

They both chuckled, but Carson knew Rodney was trying to distract from the seriousness of the issue.

"Aye, physically you're going to be in a bit of pain for a while. Hopefully that's enough of a deterrent against doing it again. How about, you know, emotionally?"

"Huh? I'm fine." Rodney said bluntly, looking away from the doctor's concerned eyes.
"Rodney…"
"Seriously, Carson… everything's just fine now."

Carson raised his eyebrow as he finished his coffee.
"Look, Rodney, I have to go into work now. But I do want to talk to you once my shift finishes at least, or earlier if you want to come in. I understand that you've been restricted from working for a few days?"
Rodney said nothing, but nodded.

"Alright, well, I assume that mean you have to stay put here."
"Basically. I can… yeah."

"I'll come back at the end of the day, alright?"

Carson put his cup in the sink, and headed to the door. He knew he couldn't pose his intentions as a question, since Rodney would just decline. He already was insisting he was fine, which Carson knew better. He was stopped as he stepped out of the door, however.

"Carson… Thank you. For staying with me."
"Any time, love." Carson smiled, allowing himself to use the endearment. He hoped Rodney would remember being called it last night, but he didn't need to stick around and find out the response right now.

Rodney sat on the bed. His head was swimming. He was on his third glass of water, but it didn't quell the throbbing. But he couldn't bring himself to go to the infirmary. He felt like he didn't deserve to be free of pain, not after everything he'd done. He couldn't remember exactly what had happened last night… he remembered crying, but not much else. Carson had been there, obviously, but he had no idea what had transpired between them. He didn't know what it was that he'd said to make Carson so worried. He was Rodney McKay, he was a genius, and most importantly, he was always supposed to be ok. That thought only served to make him feel more depressed. Always having to present to people that he was fine, that he was outgoing and confident, because that's what they expected and they wouldn't accept anything less. He didn't know why people couldn't see past his façade, but he knew that right now no one would even want to. Not after what he'd done. He was just so hopeful that he'd finally have found a way to save everyone… but instead, he just broke everything. No one would trust him again, and what use was he if he couldn't use his brains to save those he cared about?

That was just it. He wasn't useful anymore. Rodney sighed and sunk down into himself. Being needed was all he had. And now? He was confined to quarters. They were probably out there celebrating getting a break from him, he thought. Everyone except Carson. Oh, Carson. The doctor that was the exception to every rule. He cared for Rodney unconditionally, and the scientist couldn't fathom what he'd done to deserve it. He felt a sharp stab of guilt at the memories of him giving Carson shit for this and that, poking fun at medicine, bothering him constantly with his hypochondria… that man really had no reason to like him at all, let alone care about him so much as to stay with him last night of all nights.

"Enough, McKay." Rodney growled at himself, to stop the train of thought he was having. He didn't need to get up any hopes that Carson might like him as more than a friend. Carson deserved more than that anyway, he told himself. He deserved just more pain.

Carson finished off his duty shift on time. He initially had wanted to go see Elizabeth before he started, but that idea flew out the window when he was supposed to have already started and he was rushing to a transporter.

"Elizabeth, can I speak to you for a moment?" Carson asked as he approached her office. She invited him in to sit.

"What's this about, Carson?"

"I need to talk to you about Rodney."
"Oh." Elizabeth said with a subtle groan. That was one of the last things she wanted to discuss.

"That's exactly why I need to talk to you." Carson huffed, not impressed with the base's general demeanour towards their head scientist.

"Alright, I'm listening." she said, her detached diplomatic voice resounding through.

"Aye, he made a mistake, but that's no reason to treat him the way everyone is. All he was trying to do was give everyone some way to fight against the Wraith. He fought hard to find something to protect all of us."
"I'm not questioning his motives, Carson. Well, to be honest, I think it had more to do with his ego than saving all of us…"
"Well that's where you and everyone have got it bloody wrong." Carson snapped, and the leader of the expedition raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"I'm sorry to be blunt, Elizabeth, but I don't think people quite understand. Rodney puts on a good show of confidence, but that's only because he's trying to convince himself he can do these things. And he only needs to do that because he feels he's responsible for everyone, and it's up to him to protect us all. Aye, he's still a bit arrogant about that, but the point is that he's doing it out of fear of losing us, not to boost his ego. I would have thought you of all people would know that, Elizabeth? He's shown time and again that he put himself in danger before others, and he never lets on just how bloody terrified he is about it. Sure he complains but he still does it!"
"Alright, but I don't see what this has to do with things right now." Elizabeth stated, still sitting back in her chair.

"You honestly don't see how someone who tries his very best to protect us all, out of responsibility, might be reacting to being scolded and punished for a failure to do so?"
"It wasn't just a failure, Carson, it was a massive explosion that almost kill him and John."
"Aye Rodney goes all out, I know, but the point is…he's suffering more than you know."
"Suffering how?"
"He's not just had his pride hurt, he's a wreck. I found him last night drinking himself half to death, out on a balcony. He sobbed for a good half hour on my shoulder before telling me he wished he wasn't here anymore -"

"He wants to leave Atlantis?"
"No, he meant it in the sense of not wanting to be anywhere anymore."

There was a sobering silence that settled over the room. Elizabeth took a moment to absorb the information. Rodney always seemed so full of himself, she never thought scolding him like she did would affect him much. He always defended himself enough…

"What do we do?" She asked finally.
"I don't know, I can't be certain it wasn't just something he said while being that drunk. I put him to bed and stayed with him over the night. This morning he tried to pass me off, saying he was fine. But I know he's not, and everyone treating him like he's a failure and not trusting him isn't going to help."

"I'm not sure what I can do about that…" Elizabeth defended, but was honestly unsure how to change the attitudes of everyone on the base without hearing what she'd just heard.

"I'm going to go see him now. I just needed you to be aware of it, and be open to helping me if the need arises. And to stop punishing him like he doesn't care."

Elizabeth nodded at Carson, and so the doctor took that as a cue to leave.