another Quidditch game.

I didn't stop thinking about what I am going to say to Draco when he'll finally stop avoiding me.

I wanted to shout everything I wanted to say to him. To shoot so many curses at him. He had to figure out what I am feeling.

Mostly I was very angry, I didn't think about being sad or miserable.

Draco though looked annoyed, concerned and sick.

I couldn't stop myself from feeling worried about him being sick. I felt so confused. I didn't know what to think, what to do with my all feelings.

But it went clearer and doesn't care anymore. He really doesn't, and I finally understood it right before I went out to the Quidditch field.

I saw him. Walking on the corridors with two girls next to him.

I.. I felt so... so not me. I felt betrayed.

I felt so weak, so small, so stupid.

I was such a fool! What made me think that after he broke up with me in that kind of cruel way he would like to 'talk about it'?

I'm so hopeless, I never knew that.

I almost ran to the Quidditch fields, as HE was left behind, probably haven't even seen me.

I sat next to my friend, quietly.

The game started but the noise of the crowd sounded so far away. The moment I saw HIM in the corridors haven't left my mind.

When what I saw on the corridors finally sank into my brain, and I understood it means I couldn't see anything. Not in my mind, and not physically. Everything was so blurred.

I got up from my seat, actually running to my dormitory.

I sank into my bed like a little girl, crying my soul out.

I guess I never thought about how much time Draco Malfoy took from my life, and what part he took in my heart.

I was so mad, I was broken.

I wanted to curse him, make him feel terrible. Make myself feel better.

In the next two weeks, I barely ate and slept.

I got out of my bed only to get to class and then back to bed.

I felt so bad I didn't want to talk or even to see anyone.

My friend was very worried. All this attitude isn't me. she thought I was sick, but I barely talked, so she couldn't know exactly.

I needed some air, I was inside the castle for too long. I couldn't do it anymore.

one o'clock in the morning I got out to breath the cold and fresh air with a big sweater and my wand, holding it tightly. I felt so useless. It was terrible, I was so afraid of what I become, so not me.

It has to get easier somehow. It won't be my first love or my first breakup...

I was interrupted by a noise behind me.

I held my wand closer. Ready to curse who or whatever it was. It was nothing. Probably the wind.

Suddenly Draco Malfoy was standing next to me.

I held my wand, trying to stop my hand from shivering, ready to jinx him.

He said nothing. He hasn't told me to take down my wand like he'll deserve everything that will come on him.

He stood there in total silence. I wanted him to say something. I wanted to be able to scream at him. But no sound came out of my mouth.

And again I felt the tears go down on my face.

"How dare you..." I said quietly "how can you do this to me!? Why did you do it?"

He looked at me in complete silent until he said the most useless thing I could think about.

"I'm sorry..."

I went mad.

"I'm sorry?! I'm sorry?! Are you sorry? Are you being serious? I have never thought, in my howl life that someone could be such a fool. Such heartless as you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry?! Have you ever thought what was going on with me these last month?! Have you?" I was disgusted. I was so angry. "You are such a fool"

When I saw his face I felt a little bit sorry for what I said. He looked like someone who has been punched in the face.

"And I am still sorry..." he said in a very low voice "deeply sorry..."

It seemed like he really meant it.

My head was exploding.

I felt I was going crazy.

For the first time in my life, I felt scared. This whole year was crazy.

I had doubt if I could fulfill the dark lord's wishes.

Why me? Why?

When I stood there, next to her I felt for the first time that I did something wrong. She looked hopeless. So beautiful. But hopeless.

"I'm sorry," I said, without being able to explain myself.

She went mad, and she had full rights to be. I deserved it. I deserved everything.

I wanted to tell her why I did it. I wanted to tell her everything, I wanted to tell someone who won't tell coward, even though that's what I was. And if she will tell me that I'm a coward she will be the only one I'd like to hear it from.

But I couldn't tell, I couldn't risk myself and even her.

All I wanted was to stand there, next to her, without talking, in complete silence and pretend that none of the bad things happened. Forever.

Slowly he tried to reach for my hand but I couldn't let him.

I just couldn't.

And I broke into tears again.

Draco didn't know what to do with himself, he seemed so confused, so lost.

In a very weird way, I felt his arms around me in what was supposed to be a hug. As the time passed with my tears watering his black suit the hug got tighter and less weird.

I don't remember when we let go of each other, but I surly remember that I couldn't see where I was going when everything so blurred around me.

"I'm sorry..." he said again. But it wasn't the kind of apologies for something wrong he did, but for what he will do. And with these last words, he left, leaving me behind with the urge to jump from the astronomy tower.