Author's Note: So sorry it's been ages since uploading! I've had some stuff on, but there are a few chapters coming now!
A few days had passed, and Carson hadn't talked about Rodney's feelings. They had met after Carson's shift ended each day, but mostly there wasn't much deep conversation that went on. They watched a movie, they talked of Carson's home in Scotland, of Rodney's childhood, then of Carson's childhood, and of their previous romantic interests. They cuddled often, and kissed on occasion - they wanted to take things slow. Rodney hadn't actually had a relationship with a man before; but considering he'd only had a relationship with two women, there wasn't much bias involved. Most of his interests had been only interests - and he'd only vocalised to others about the female ones in an attempt to keep that other part of himself hidden. He'd been bullied for it as a boy, and so had kept men at a distance save for some one-night experiences. Carson, on the other hand, had a long term relationship with a man in Scotland during med school, a few shorter term ones (also all men), and a couple of brief encounters with both sexes.
Things were going fine, almost as if that night Carson found Rodney drunk hadn't had happened. That was until Collins' funeral. Carson had watched Rodney stand there stoic during all of the speeches, and deliver a short speech himself void of emotion. He seemed like he was detaching himself as best he could to just function… Carson could tell something was off. The others around, however, thought Rodney's emotionless delivery was in poor taste, as they still all blamed him for the death in the first place. Carson wanted to slap them all.
After the casket was sent back through the Stargate to Earth, the crowd dissipated to the mess hall where they could have some time to talk to each other. Rodney sunk down into himself at the gazes he received in passing, but didn't move to follow. Carson hung back, wanting to watch what he was doing but give him space. The scientist gazed up at the Stargate.
"I'm so sorry." Rodney uttered, his voice catching in his throat, and then turned away. He didn't go to the mess, however. He walked up the stairs and out to the balcony near the control room. Carson followed quietly - he felt silly being concerned Rodney might jump, but he'd never forgive himself if that happened and he'd just walked off to the mess hall.
Rodney leaned against the railing, breathing in the salty air. He was glad he'd managed to hold it together for the service, but it was all rising up to the surface now. He didn't usually have this bad a reaction to the loss of a base member, but for some reason it was affecting him more than before. Maybe because it was directly his fault this time? He had been in charge, he was the one pushing forward with the experiment, he was the one who told Collins to go in there.
"It's my fault." Rodney said as he started to cry. He held his hand up to his eyes as they leaked. He heard the door opening. Great, he thought. He rubbed his eyes and tried to pretend nothing was wrong, and refused to look at the person entering. Probably Elizabeth coming to scold him for his speech. He suddenly felt a hand on his back, and turned to face the one person he wanted to see right now.
"I'm here love." Carson uttered, looking into Rodney's red puffy eyes. He knew better than to say 'it's ok', because it sure wasn't. The scientist didn't say a word, just turned and leaned into Carson and cried. Carson embraced him gently, and just let him cry into his chest. Rodney reached up and held the doctor close as his body shook.
"I…I don't want to… go into see everyone…. right now." Rodney spoke through sniffles.
"You don't have to. Just go have a lie down in your quarters, or mine if you'd prefer."
Rodney nodded, face still against Carson's now wet jacket.
"Yours." He said, feeling rather vulnerable. Carson nodded and slowly made to move. Rodney followed without much resistance.
Carson's quarters were fairly close to the infirmary. It had a kitchen much like Rodney's (a feature reserved only for some select living quarters), and the layout was pretty identical as well: door opened into the living area, bedroom with ensuite to the room on the right, kitchen on the left which overlooked the living area. However, instead of diplomas on the wall, Carson had it filled with images of Scotland and his family. There were more little items scattered about the place, and a blanket on the couch; there was a packed med kit on the floor near the door, and a smaller one at Carson's bedside. All in all, it was a lot more cosy than Rodney's.
Rodney crept onto the bed. The feeling that felt like ice in his stomach, rising up into his chest to stop him breathing properly, was back. He curled up as best he could into a ball, and just looked at the wall with eyes half open. Carson stood looking at him, with furrowed eyebrows. He was getting concerned that these feelings weren't about to just go away, and his friend was becoming clinically depressed. He had taken psychology at university, much like most med students, but he never pursued it. He preferred things he could physically interact with. It didn't help that in the morning, Rodney needed to start his duty shifts again.
Carson sat on the corner of the bed.
"Do you want to spend the night?"
Rodney looked up at his friend, looking for any hint that the invitation was for something more than just sleeping. Finding just a friendly gaze staring back at him, he nodded. He didn't feel up to progressing their relationship any further right now.
"Alright, well I'll make some pasta for dinner a bit later on." Carson informed, but Rodney didn't react.
"Do you want to talk, love?"
There came a whine from Rodney, like he was trying to speak but his vocal chords didn't want to oblige.
"It's alright, the offer is there later on if you want." Carson said, and petted Rodney's arm a few times before getting up and moving to the next room.
Rodney lay in the bed, unable to sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, he just felt like he was falling into a cold darkness. There were just the memories of his failures, of people who died because of him, of times people he cared about had almost died because of him. He felt like crying again, but without much reason. Except he also felt like he was too exhausted to cry. So he just lay there, listening to a negative internal monologue.
Carson lay sleeping beside him, snoring very softly. Rodney rather liked it; it was a constant confirmation that someone who cared about him was there. They were back to back, but not actually touching. Rodney felt the stab of that dark ice again. He felt so guilty for allowing himself to become closer to Carson. That wonderful and kind man deserved much more than him, he thought to himself. And, of course, he was just setting Carson up for more pain in the future. Eventually the doctor would grow sick of him like everyone else, and then leave him. He deserved that pain, he felt, but he knew it would hurt Carson too… and he couldn't do that. He caused so much pain already. The feeling of crying was bubbling up again at the thought of Carson leaving him - he'd be truly alone then. Rodney took a deep breath that broke a few times upon inhaling, but it seemed to placate that rising tension feeling.
His eyes flickered to the clock. It was only an hour until he needed to get up and go in to the lab for his first day back on the job. He honestly didn't want to. He felt exhausted, despite being unable to sleep, and didn't feel up to putting on the façade again. Being confident, exuberant, demanding, orderly… it all seemed a bit daunting. Especially considering how everyone else wouldn't have forgotten about what he'd done.