"Hey Radek, can I talk to you a sec?" Rodney asked, after the lab had been emptied save for himself and his fellow scientist.

"Sure, Rodney, what is this about?" the Czech asked, despite having some idea of where it was leading.

"I er, well… Carson has given me some pills. He wanted me to let you know."
"Alright. Why?"
"Oh just cause… well, I have been having some trouble with anxiety for some reason and er… these should help."
"Ok, but I meant why do I need to know?"
"Ah, right, yes, yes… Um I assume so you can help? I don't know. I don't want anyone else knowing, is all, and maybe you could help me keep it a secret? Or just so if you notice a change you know it's no big deal, nothing to worry about."
Radek nodded, knowing it was rare that his fellow scientist was this open to him.

"Ok Rodney, thanks for letting me know."

Rodney nodded, and straightened himself up. He had been trying hard to keep his calm, and not let anything much seem the matter. He was still the head scientist after all, he needed the others to have faith in his abilities.

Rodney collapsed on his bed. It had been an exhausting day. Nothing major had happened, but he found it difficult none the less. He hadn't struggled with anxiety much, so that was a bonus, but absolutely everything was an effort. He lay here now, unable to move, a great weight crushing his chest. He just felt so…tired. Not sleepy, but tired. He couldn't be bothered taking off his shoes, he couldn't find the strength to take his jacket off, and he just didn't want to eat. Breathing seemed hard enough. He just wanted it all to stop, somehow.

Rodney lifted his head and glanced at his table. He'd snuck in his combat knife. He had felt guilty, and stupid, at the time. But now… now it seemed like he'd made a good decision. Kitchen knives were for eating, combat knives were made for harming. He found a new source of strength as he got up and walked over to the table. He took the knife in his hand and seated himself.

"Too obvious…" he said to himself as he looked at his fingertips. He instead rolled up his left sleeve. There he could hide it easy enough. He exposed the sensitive skin underneath his wrist, but couldn't seem to make any cut there. Instead he turned his arm over to the rougher side, and placed the blade's edge on the skin. He knew it wasn't technically conventional, from what he knew anyway, but that seemed better anyway. He pressed harder, and dragged the blade across. It stung, and while that was the intention, he found it too slow. He was torn between getting the pain for distraction and not hurting. He just couldn't seem to maintain causing himself harm. Instead, he drew the blade up and then struck it down in a single quick motion, creating a long cut. This one bled a lot more than the first, and he was pleased with himself.

"Ah, that's better." Rodney spoke as he watched the slice fill with blood. He liked seeing that there was damage, rather than actually feeling the pain. He didn't know if that made him a coward, but he didn't care. He touched the wound gently, letting the blood dab onto his two fingers. He looked at them for a while, just looking at the blood and the hurt it represented. He was overwhelmed by another wave of despair as he thought of what he was doing, and that he didn't even know why he felt this way in the first place. So he struck himself again, partly as a punishment this time. The second strike wound was close to the first, in the middle of his forearm, and again deeper. Blood spilled out quicker, and even beaded into a blob at the end. He knew it wasn't much, but it was something at least.

He put the knife down and took a deep breath, focusing on the stinging sensation in his arm. Somehow he felt calmer inside… he didn't try to understand why for once, he just accepted that it helped. The hypochondriac in him knew he should clean the wounds, despite them being minor, and so he rinsed his arm under the sink. He patted his arm dry, and then rolled his sleeve back down. Good enough, he thought to himself.

Radek had gone back to Carson and told him what Rodney had said, and wanted to know more about the pills… just so he knew what to expect. Carson felt proud of his boyfriend; he knew just how difficult it must have been for him to talk to Radek. He also felt a surge of excitement when referring to Rodney as 'his boyfriend', even if it was only in his mind. He told Radek of the calming effect the pills were to cause in the even of a panic attack, but there wasn't a whole lot more he needed to tell; it was all pretty simple really.

The doctor spent the evening with his partner again, and was glad to see Rodney was seemingly alright. He still and an air of anxiety about him, but that was just normal really. The scientist was a pessimist by nature, and usually worrying about something. Still, Carson felt glad that he was able to do something that was of help.

They had dinner, and then lay on the couch together with a movie. They were in Carson's quarters again, since he felt better being closer to the infirmary in case of an emergency. The only problem was that he tended to get more visitors than Rodney, and so the chance of the two of them being caught together as 'more than friends' was a lot higher. Carson had been gently stroking Rodney whom lay in front of him, and Rodney had relaxed a lot under his touch.

"At least I get to come home to you." Rodney uttered. Carson snapped his attention to the scientist, since there had just been silence and the quiet hum of the movie. He couldn't guess what Rodney had been thinking about in his internal dialogue, but was glad it had a positive ending. Carson didn't know what to say, and so leaned over and kissed Rodney.

Rodney kissed back, and slid his hand around the doctor's neck. Carson tingled at Rodney's touch, and tentatively slid his hand down the scientist's chest as they kissed. Rodney broke the kiss and hummed in enjoyment - it had been a long time since he'd received such intimate touches. He looked up at Carson, staring deep into the Scot's blue eyes, and saw a gleam of passion in his eyes. Rodney's breath caught in his throat, and he felt adrenaline surge through his body. Any thoughts of going slow or resisting his urges flew out the window with that one look from Carson.