Rodney sat at his computer. He stared at the readings, but didn't absorb any information. He was lost in thought about the previous night with Carson. He'd been so excited for everything they did, and he physically enjoyed the whole ordeal. But right now he couldn't feel anything. How could he have felt such happiness and excitement last night, and sit here unable to enjoy anything at all? Not even the memory of what had happened? He was just empty. His work meant nothing to him at all. He'd been given time alone even, and yet he wasn't happy. He felt like he couldn't be happy about anything again.

Rodney slumped in his chair. Carson was right, he was depressed. He'd browsed a little in the medical database about the condition, and everything fitted. But he couldn't bring himself to take the antidepressants. He'd been right about them affecting one's mind, and he couldn't let that happen when everyone's lives depended on his clear quick thinking. He still hadn't gone off-world since the Doranda incident, but his team had planned for a recon tomorrow. Rodney wasn't sure he was ready. If he felt tomorrow the way he did today, then he wouldn't be much use and could even be a liability.

He felt a sudden stab of panic at the thought he'd be responsible for another death. The thought that followed was a particularly disturbing one: unless it was yourself. He knew he shouldn't think those things, but he couldn't stop himself. And he couldn't deny the truth that he would feel a whole lot better if it was him that died instead of his teammates - particularly if it was his fault. He was needed to get people out of situations here though. But then again… if he wasn't around, they probably wouldn't get into the situations in the first place. At least that's what Rodney thought to himself. And he wouldn't put people's lives in danger.

Rodney suddenly felt the urge to cut himself again. His entire body felt heavy, and he had the feeling of breathing being too much effort, and he just wanted an escape. He was alone in his lab, however he also wasn't in his combat gear… and so there weren't any knives nearby. There were some in the main lab, however.

He didn't need much time to decide, and left his computer processing the simulation he had been running. It didn't take long to arrive in the main lab, where he nodded at the people and pretended to look over some thing in the corner where the tools were kept. He was glad Radek wasn't around. Sneakily, he slid a small tool knife into his pocket. He snapped his head around to the others in the room in case they had seen him, however they were ignoring his presence. Rodney quickly, but not suspiciously, left the room and headed back to his own lab.

He returned to his seat in front of his computer, and noticed briefly that the simulation had failed. He hadn't expected much else, all the other simulations had failed … but that was just what happened in science. He lifted his sleeve up to the elbow and pulled the little knife from his pocket. Wasting no time, he ran the blade over the top of his left arm. It stung, but he did it quick enough for it not to linger too long. He'd grown comfortable with the practice, and was going deeper and deeper with his cuts. He only did a couple at a time since that was all he needed to feel the relief. He smiled a little to himself when he saw the blood well to the surface, feeling a little proud he'd come far enough to cause that much damage.

"Rodney?"

Rodney jumped at Radek's voice, and was filled with panic. He quickly pulled his sleeve down as he turned around to face his fellow scientist.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."
"What do you want Radek?"

"I thought you might have been looking for me."
"Why would I do that?" Rodney snapped, more just out of the panic still stirring in his gut at almost being caught self harming.

"I don't know, but the others in the lab said you came in and pretended to look about and left again so I thought that you might have wanted to speak to me?"

Rodney's mind, and heart, ran a million miles an hour. So his behaviour had been noted as suspicious, but he could get out of it all if he came up with a reason why he would need to speak to Radek.

"Uhhh…." Rodney vocalised, trying hard to breathe normally.

"Rodney are you alright?"

Radek had noticed the anxious behaviour… but at least he wasn't questioning Rodney's motives anymore. Instead of answering, Rodney shook his head slightly. He could feel the panic attack still rise up within him, and he wanted nothing more than to hide the little blade sitting beside his computer… but he knew that he shouldn't bring attention to it.

Radek moved forward and reached his arms out to gently pat Rodney on the back - he didn't really know what to do in these situations. He honestly hadn't believed Carson about just how much his fellow scientist was struggling with things, but standing there watching it happen was quite the eye opener. Rodney had initially flinched at Radek's touch, but found the contact soothing.

"It's alright Rodney, I won't tell anyone."
Panic rose further… tell anyone? About the cutting? Did Radek notice? Rodney's mind was swimming, and he noticed he was becoming dizzy. He hadn't noticed himself hyperventilating.
"Tell?" Rodney questioned.

"I don't know what's going on but it's ok to have rough times. I'm sure you're not the only one having trouble with anxiety given the kind of things we have to deal with. Do you want me to leave?"

Rodney nodded. Radek stepped away, but still had concern for his friend.
"Thank you." Rodney uttered. He was relieved at least that Radek was only talking about anxiety. Radek smiled and nodded, and left. Rodney waited a moment before grabbing the blade, making sure it had no blood on it, and then put the cap back on and hid it in his drawer. Radek was right though… given the stresses he and a lot of people here were under, it would seem normal to have anxiety. He doubted resorting to self harm would be normal though.

Even with Zelenka gone, Rodney still felt tense.
"Good time to try these I guess."

He took out the strip of pills from his jacket, and punched two into his palm. He swallowed them with a gulp of water, and sat there waiting to feel any different.

"Well these are useless." Rodney uttered after no more than a minute. He stood and began to walk out to the infirmary to complain. He knew it wasn't really Carson's fault, he was only trying to help, but he needed to vent out the emotions inside of him and right now, a loud complaining session appealed to Rodney to do the trick.

He hadn't gotten far, however, when he started feeling strange. It was like an invisible blanket descended down upon him, and he was being beckoned to sleep. His limbs felt heavy, and everything just seemed to be moving slower.

"Huhhh" Rodney exhaled, surprised at the sudden overwhelming feeling. It was then he noticed things were tilting sideways… he was falling over. But he couldn't find the strength in his muscles to correct himself, and so toppled to the floor.

"Ow." He muttered to himself. The pain receptors in his body still seemed to be working fine. Rodney tried to get up, but instead found himself flailing his limbs carelessly about. He just giggled at the predicament - he felt like a beached whale, unable to right himself. That thought just made him snigger more. He felt like his mind was clouded, but he couldn't notice how altered his state of mind was. He didn't even notice that there was now a group of scientists standing around him. He just felt… floaty. It was rather nice, he decided, once he got used to it.