The mission had started fairly standard. Usual small (creepy) village, frightened townsfolk, and of course wraith. Rodney had found it interesting that while he sat there at the table, he wasn't afraid of the wraith lurking in the forest. He was on edge the first time he met Ellia, the teenage female wraith, but he wasn't afraid. Dangerous things just didn't scare him anymore - or so he had believed. He rather enjoyed having Carson come join him, and felt elated that something he found was of use to the doctor's research. Even when he had called out for Carson to hunt down the other wraith, he wasn't afraid. No, he felt more alive than he had in a while. So when they went out to look for Ellia, Rodney felt great. He chatted like normal, taking the danger in his stride - much to Carson's annoyance.

But then, at that moment Ellia turned on him, he felt the fear. He had been frozen, and it had been his beloved doctor to come to his rescue. Rodney knew it was a big thing for Carson to shoot anyone, and so was very grateful. He was more grateful when Ellia ran from them.

Rodney's heart was pounding and he couldn't breathe. He panicked, feeling for the marks on his chest that weren't there. Carson gave him a concerned look and patted his arm, knowing it would pass in a moment. Rodney decided then and there that death by wraith was never going to be an option he'd choose. Instantly, he whipped his head over to Carson, as if the Scot could hear his thoughts. Rodney couldn't believe he'd just thought about choosing a way to die. But there was no reaction. Rodney still stood there in somewhat shock, however this time over his own thoughts. He always believed that thinking suicidal thoughts was a horrible terrible thing to do, and would evoke awful consequences… but nothing happened. No one knew what he was thinking, and Carson was obliviously making his way through forest floor. Rodney took a deep breath and felt comforted at the freedom he now knew he had with his thinking.

The pair had been walking for no more than ten minutes when they heard a shriek. Feeling renewed from the freedom of thought, Rodney's bravery sparked again. They both ran towards the noise, something the scientist usually made a point to avoid, and found the ageing man they had acquainted with. Carson went straight to helping him, Rodney taking on the leadership role and instructing the villagers. It didn't last long, however, as the rest of the team joined along with the townsfolk.

Rodney stared at the man, laying there dying, as he told his tale. He felt … something… when hearing how the wraith fed on him. Sympathy, perhaps? He felt useless, and submissive to his outgoing team members. So Rodney just stood there, listening. Thinking to himself. Grateful to have Carson around. Then the man, Zaddik, took a final breath. His body relaxed, and he was still. Carson radioed the team, and did what little he could do to help, but Rodney simply stared at Zaddik's face. It looked so … peaceful.

Well, blood aside. Rodney thought to himself. No more fear, or crippling sorrow. Just… nothing. Nothing sounds good about now.

Rodney hadn't realised how dark he'd become inside until he heard those words resounding in his mind. He swallowed hard, and his gaze flickered to Carson hoping again that he wouldn't notice his train of thought. A cold wave of sorrow overwhelmed him, and he shivered in an attempt to seem normal again.

They had found John, covered in blood, and Carson went into doctor mode. The colonel insisted he was alright, but Carson ignored him. Rodney huffed to himself that Carson was ignoring him too… then hated himself for thinking such a thing. Of course doctor Carson was going to look after the bleeding team mate. So Rodney tried to be himself - and whinged and complained about a splinter he realised he'd gotten in his hand. He couldn't quite tell if he was being over the top or not, but no one seemed to say anything different. They were all a bit preoccupied anyway.

Carson was all ready to patch up his friend, when suddenly he was perplexed. There was definitely a wound there… and yet, when he cleaned it, there had been none. His scientific brain was having trouble wrapping around the idea of vanishing wounds. And he didn't believe the colonel's insistence that there was no wound in the first place. Rodney continued to complain behind him, but Carson knew it was either overcompensation to cover up his anxieties, or just a cry for his attention. The man did tend to do both these days.

Carson asked questions to try gather more information, and didn't appreciate John's carelessness about it all. Conceding to just run some tests, he let the colonel go. He sighed and handed the blood to his team, and walked over to Rodney.

"Ah, so come to check on my wounds finally?"
"There's no need for that Rodney." Carson responded in a dull tone. The scientist sunk into himself.

"Sorry. Your nurse fixed me up. I'm alright. I'll just get out of your way." Rodney responded in an equally dull tone.

"Hey, I didn't mean that love." Carson said, wrapping his arm around Rodney. "You did good today."

Rodney sheepishly looked up to meet the doctor's eyes.

"I tried."
"You were a little off sometimes but that's to be expected. If you were hiding everything and trying to be normal I think you passed." Carson said with a wink. Rodney chuckled briefly.
"More than you did it seems." Rodney responded. Carson let go of Rodney, and looked at him with a frown.
"What do you mean by that?" Carson enquired. He had been his normal helpful self, right?
"The retrovirus. It did the exact opposite of what you were trying to do. I wouldn't call that a pass." Rodney said, smiling, unaware of how hurtful the words were to Carson. He soon realised he'd said something wrong, however, when Carson's smile disappeared and he shied away.

Rodney was right, Carson had failed. He had worked so hard on the retrovirus and look at what happened: it had the opposite effect, causing the deaths of two people and endangering more… he and Rodney included. Carson sighed. It was his fault for giving Zaddik hope, maybe then Ellia wouldn't have taken it before it was ready.

"Carson… I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"
"No, you didn't. But you're right… I failed."
"Hey, you didn't say take the damn drug, did you? So how is it your fault? You weren't there, you didn't regulate it, you even said it's not ready. So don't beat yourself up about it ok?"
"That doesn't sound very Rodney McKay."
"Well, I've had a bit of help dealing with mistakes these past few weeks." Rodney responded, smiling in an attempt to make his boyfriend feel better. It seemed to work, as he smiled and leaned his head against Rodney.
"You're right." Carson said, and kissed the top of Rodney's head.

"Now, off with ye, I have a bit of work to do with colonel Sheppard's tests. But I expect to see you at dinner?"

Rodney nodded and left the infirmary, rather grateful at the sudden invitation to leave. He was feeling a terrible wave of guilt wash over him for what he'd said to Carson about the retrovirus. Carson only ever tries so hard all the time to care for people, make things better for people… and here he was acting like the biggest jerk on the base telling him that he failed and caused all this suffering and death. As he shuffled back to his quarters, he couldn't help but wonder what was wrong with him. He at least knew the first thing he was going to grab when he got into his room.