The inhibitor worked, and amazingly the colonel managed to collect enough eggs for Carson to complete the gene therapy. The team hadn't really noticed Rodney's strange behaviour while on the mission at least. The ordeal had really taken it out of Carson… he was utterly exhausted. Rodney wasn't sure just how much sleep he'd gotten over the course of the past few days, but it couldn't have been very much. He regretted acting so brash with him while waiting in the infirmary with the others, but he needed to keep up appearances. The look he got at the time made him know Carson didn't really take it to heart at least.

Rodney looked at the list on his laptop before him, thinking. If Carson got that worn down caring for John … I don't want to do that to him as well. This caused Rodney to cross out two of the items on this list. He wasn't really sure about those anyway. Sure, he was proficient at cutting himself now, but he'd still avoided the underside of his wrists because of the pain… so he wasn't even sure he'd even be able to kill himself with cutting. As for jumping off the balcony… he might be able to do it, but he didn't like the thought of Carson having to see him like that, potentially inside out and spread across a few square metres. He loved the doctor, and couldn't bring himself to cause just that much trauma.

Rodney shoved the laptop away from him and hit the desk below in frustration. Why, WHY did I get involved with Carson? I'm a terrible person… make the man I love care for me more, so that when I die he hurts more! Rodney shouted at himself. He punched the table again, and stood to get his knife. He deserved to be punished, he felt. Here he was thinking about committing suicide, and he had a boyfriend who cared about him who would be devastated. Then came another of his disturbing thoughts. Why does it matter? You won't care, you'll be dead. He swallowed and looked about… it was cruel, but true. No matter what he did, or what hurt he caused if he went through with it… he didn't have to worry because he wouldn't care when he was dead.

He grabbed the knife and sat on the bed, and sliced twice on his arm. The skin was riddled with cuts all at different points of healing. His first one was barely visible anymore, but his more recent ones had just crusted over. The two he just made were deep and bled quite a bit, but instead of cleaning it up, he breathed deep and closed his eyes. Do I want to be dead? The question had to be asked. He could reason yes or no, but ultimately, it came down to how he felt. Do I WANT to be alive, or want it all over? He was inherently afraid of dying, but strangely the thought of his own death by his choice didn't scare him. Maybe it was the control he had of when and how? Given the situations he finds himself in, he could easily be killed in a number of slow and painful ways. I'll try for least painful or quickest, if I decide.

Rodney opened his eyes to see the bleeding had stopped, leaving a trail of blood dripping off both sides of his arm and down onto his pants. He cursed himself for being so careless. He didn't have a lot of pants to begin with, and now he had to work out how to get blood out of clothing. Given what the teams on the base go through, he was sure someone at least knew how. The only problem was saying how the blood got there in the first place. He took them off and threw them against the wall, and huffed. He glanced at the time, and decided he had better get himself cleaned up and ready for dinner at Carson's.

Rodney sat at the table, not conversing much. But really, there wasn't a whole lot to say. He just felt like crap, and Carson was obviously exhausted. Once, Carson's head lolled in sleepiness while he was putting the fork to his mouth, and so got sauce all over the side of his face and up his nose. Rodney chuckled at that, but couldn't remain happy for long. Carson had snorted awake, and smeared the tomato sauce across the side of his face. It was equally as funny to watch him try get the sauce out of his nose… which was why Rodney didn't attempt to help, but instead rested his head on his hand and smiled at Carson.

"I'm sorry I'm not much to talk to, love." Carson said as he cleaned up the dishes. Rodney helped (drying of course).

"It's fine. I don't have much to say either. But I'm proud of you."
"Thank you dear." Carson said, pulling the plug out of the sink.

"No I'm serious. You came through for him, and you fixed a mistake that wasn't even your fault."

Carson gave an exhausted stare into Rodney's eyes, and then hugged him.

"I'm just glad everything is going to be ok. It was really looking like it wasn't for a bit there."

"Yeah. I had faith in you though. When Elizabeth told us to say goodbye… I almost couldn't believe it. I didn't have to for long though, you called with a solution like a minute afterwards."

Carson didn't say anything, just embraced Rodney. They both enjoyed just feeling close to the other, and so stayed standing there for a minute or so. Eventually, Carson spoke softly.

"I feel like I'm going to fall asleep before I hit the mattress."

"I think you should do that. I'll see you tomorrow ok Carson? Thanks for dinner." Rodney responded, and gave him a kiss before leaving back to his own quarters.