Rodney sniffled, trying to keep the tears back. He felt so sad, but hated why. Carson hadn't checked up on him, hadn't said anything to him about how he's feeling, and hadn't been around much at all for the past 24 hours. Rodney knew why, he was utterly exhausted after everything that happened with Sheppard. But that didn't stop his feelings from raging. Knowing Carson was just tired didn't stop him feeling rejected and unwanted. And the conflict between feeling bad, and hating himself for being so selfish as to feel bad given the reasons, was making him feel worse. He didn't dare take another of the pills he'd been given to calm himself down. Not when he was in his lab and the team was just in the next room. After what happened last time, Rodney wasn't sure if he had the guts to try it again.

Then on top of everything, Rodney was still exhausted himself from not sleeping and worrying about John. He couldn't focus on anything that was in front of him from exhaustion alone, without even considering his internal conflict that was paralysing him. He found his fingers running over the surface of his knife, feeling the soft texture of the handle. He could feel the urge to use it, to stop the emotional and confusing turmoil within himself and focus on that single stinging feeling, look only at the blood. That clarity was so very tempting. But he was at work, in his office, and anyone could walk in.

Speaking of, Radek just entered his lab.

"Rodney, we're all going to the mess for lunch."
"Ok, I'm not hungry. Err… just ate." Rodney said, covering up any reason for suspicion.
"Right." Radek said, and nodded, before leaving. Rodney waited until the shuffling sounds stopped echoing down the corridor and there was silence before grasping his knife in his hand. He pulled up his sleeve revealing his left forearm, laden with cuts, and struck down upon it. He was quick and efficient. He made only two cuts before stopping to watch the blood flow. The turmoil inside calmed, and there remained only the depressive sadness that lingered constantly. He briefly wondered to himself how long he could keep this up before they found him, or he broke down completely… or even perhaps made a mistake and needed medical attention. There was a twang of panic in his gut at the thought of being shipped back to Earth, but he quenched it with another quick blow to his arm - this time the underside, but not at the wrist, causing a lot more sting.

Rodney just sat there, and closed his eyes. He tried to just focus on the pain and the relief it brought him. No other thoughts. Just here, now, and the pain.

"My god, Rodney!"

Rodney froze, an icy chill drenching him. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't move, he couldn't even open his eyes to glance over to where he heard Zelenka's voice. He was utterly immobile in the moments before panic settled into his chest. There was no hiding what was happening, no explaination that would get him out of it. Conceding he'd lost the battle for peace and freedom already, he sighed and grumbled back to Radek in an unusually dark voice.

"What do you want, Radek?"

Rodney lowered his head and frowned, and then opened his eyes and flickered them over to the doorway. If he hadn't been sitting there bleeding from his arm, he might have looked dangerous.

"What the hell are you doing?" Radek exclaimed. Rodney grumble-snorted.

"I would have thought that obvious. Now why are you here?"

"I… I wanted to see if you wanted to join us at the mess. Company and all…" Radek mumbled, unable to take his eyes off Rodney's bleeding arm. He didn't know what to do - Rodney seemed to be keeping it together a lot more than he actually was, it seemed. Did he call Carson in to help?

"No." Rodney growled, and turned his head towards Zelenka. "I don't want anyone."

"Oh."

"So leave."

"No, I can't do that Rodney." Radek said, his voice faltering slightly. He knew he couldn't just leave Rodney in this state. He cared for the man, and wasn't about to let him torture himself any more than he already had.

Rodney sighed. He hadn't been able to scare Zelenka away. He closed his eyes, and suddenly looked defeated.

"You're going to tell Carson, aren't you." It wasn't a question, but a resigned statement.

"He doesn't know?" Radek asked, but it was actually more a statement as well. If Carson knew, the wounds Radek could see in various stages of healing would have been bandaged up and cared for. It was seeming more and more like he was the only one aware of Rodney's habit, and was left wondering if that made it his responsibility to report. On the one hand, it was his chief scientist. On the other, it was a good friend. Could he do right by both accounts?

"No. And I don't want him to know." Rodney responded.

"Why not?"
"Because it would only scare him. He's really sensitive, and I don't want to worry him."

"He's a doctor, Rodney, if there is anyone qualified to deal with this it's him."
"Doesn't stop him being sensitive, and that definitely gives him the power to control me." Rodney said, unsure exactly why he was explaining himself to Radek. It felt rather nice, if he was honest, that he could just talk and not care who heard what.

"You mean you're afraid he'll confine you to the infirmary?"
"Yes, and then the base would find out, and then I'd be shipped off back to Earth and replaced."

"Rodney…"
"No, that's what will happen." Rodney stated determinedly, and so Radek knew better than to argue.

"We don't know what would happen. But I doubt they'd just ship you away… they need you here."

Rodney sunk into himself, wrapping himself in his arms - blood or not.

"They haven't needed me since Doranda. Isn't it obvious? They don't trust me, they don't want me. I don't want them to get an excuse to get rid of me… my whole life is here."

"Alright, alright… I don't think that that's true, but that's not the issue here Rodney." Radek said, and walked in closer to Rodney now he wasn't afraid that he'd lash at himself again. In fact, the scientist looked more like he was going to cry.

"I … I've been hiding it for so long, and I've almost been caught a few times… but I am just so afraid of Carson finding out." Rodney pleaded, hoping Radek would feel for him and not run to tell the doctor. Radek pulled up a seat and sat in front of Rodney.

"Rodney, I care about you a lot. Dr Beckett has a right to know, since this is causing damage to you. If you don't tell him I think that I will have to. I want to keep your trust, Rodney, but not at a cost to your health."

"I'll tell him." Rodney said after a moment. If it was going to be him or Zelenka, perhaps he could get away with more time or not telling at all if Radek thought he was going to do it.

"Rodney, I'm one of your best friends. I will be able to tell if you don't."

"Not that I won't, but I doubt that you could. I mean you don't really know much about me."
"I think that maybe I do. I know you and Carson are dating, or however you want to put it. I know you're struggling with things that I can't help much with. You like things to be clear, concise, problem and solution type of situations. Having an emotional problem is no doubt rather difficult for you. And I know you're afraid to ask for help. But listen to me Rodney, you can come to me for help. So ok, I won't say anything to Carson for now, but you have to soon or I will anyway. In the mean time, please, Rodney, if you feel like you need to do this… call me first. I won't be angry or upset with you regardless of what you say, and even if you end up … you know… anyway, at least you've come for some help first. Do we have an understanding?"

Rodney thought a moment at Radek's proposal, ignoring the fact he knew about his relationship with Carson. Seemed like his choice was be ratted out now, or try tell Carson before being ratted out later. But 'later' meant he had to talk to Zelenka. 'Now' could mean he'd be dragged from his office and the whole base made aware of what was going on, whereas later he could convince Carson to keep it quiet.

"Alright. Yes. I'll tell Carson soon and come to you in the mean time." Rodney said, begrudgingly. Radek smiled and patted Rodney on the shoulder.

"You should take care of that now." Radek said, his head nodding in the direction of Rodney's bloodied arm. Radek really wanted to take the knife off him, but knew that there was a thousand other places around here to get a knife so there was little point. At least Rodney would contact him if he had the urge to do it again. He hoped, at least.