Sorry for the delay! Hopefully now I will have more time to write, now I'm settled into the new place for a few months. Thanks for all the reviews, they really motivate me to keep writing!

Rodney threw his jacket at the wall the moment he was in his quarters. He'd gone too far, gotten too comfortable. He just couldn't handle it anymore. He strode into the room and headed for his stash of alcohol. He had a couple of bottles of wine that he'd been saving, and a bottle of scotch. Not wanting to waste the wine, he grabbed the scotch. Normally he'd just take sips of a single glass over the course of an evening, but not tonight. He wrenched open the bottle and took a big swig. He stifled the choke that came from the burning liquid and managed to keep it all down.

"I can't deal with this." Rodney spoke to himself. He sat down at the table in front of his laptop, and forced another large mouthful of amber liquid down before settling the bottle down on the table. He pulled up a file on his computer. Just a simple text file, labeled "ideas", and so would be inconspicuous to anyone looking about his things. Yes, he was always paranoid about that. The list appeared before him, all but two of the options crossed out.
"Time to make a bloody decision, McKay."

Rodney carefully considered the two words: electrocution, and overdose. Electrocution sounded like it could be rather painful, but if done right probably wouldn't hurt for very long. Overdose was rather lengthy, but if he got the right stuff he might not even be conscious for the dying part. He had a lot of experience with technology, and probably could build something to electrocute himself fairly easily. But it just didn't feel right. Sure, he would be killed by his work… but he didn't want to chose what he devoted his life to… to be the end of his life. Then he remembered the blister of pills Carson gave him.

Rodney pulled them out and inspected them. They didn't have much information with them, just "benzodiazepine as Diazepam 20mg". He'd taken two, and been kind of knocked out for a little. Taking more would probably knock him out entirely, as Carson said they were used as, or at least part of, anaesthetic. He had a suspicion that just taking a large dose, such as the remaining 6 pills, wouldn't kill him. He would need a bit more than what he had. That could prove difficult - however dating the CMO would come in handy there no doubt. Carson had the key on him at all times, and could easily be swiped for a little. He still wasn't sure that it would be enough though. Drugs like that tended to be reasonably safe.

He took another swig of the scotch bottle. Then it occurred to him: these drugs were depressants, and since alcohol was also a depressant, they probably were dangerous to take together. Well, he knew that generally most drugs shouldn't be mixed with alcohol because of changes in the effects. Seemed to be a reasonable enough plan. He crossed off 'electrocution' and circled 'overdose'. He nodded to himself, glad that he had a plan now, and closed the laptop.

If he was honest with himself, he wasn't really sure when exactly he had decided that he was actually seriously considering suicide. Just that he was now. Maybe no one really just decides? Maybe it just gets to a point when it doesn't seem like a bad option anymore?

He drank another mouthful, feeling himself getting drunk.

"I think I'll go out on the balcony."

He opened the door, and sat on the floor with his back against the glass, facing the city. The lights sparkled in the night, especially with the shimmering reflections on the water.

"This is my home." Rodney spoke softly. If I'm to die, I want it to be here. He felt a resolution within himself, and something that could only be described as relief. Was it because he felt like the end was soon, and then all the suffering would be over? Or was it the alcohol dulling his mind? Rodney shook his head. It didn't matter. He was comfortable with dying. There were so many ways he could die, on so many pointless planets or aboard wraith cruisers scattered about the galaxy… it was comforting to know his end would be here, where he was once the great Doctor Rodney McKay.

Carson was doing the late shift, since he'd wanted to stay in bed a bit longer. No one minded, in fact they had all assumed he'd take the whole day off. But the Scot was insistent, and being in command meant that no one could really tell him no. Carson was still tired, but he felt most comfortable being in the infirmary, ready to help if needed. He was even more glad to be back at work when he glanced Radek approaching him.

"Evening, Radek."
"Good evening, Carson. They have you on the night shift?"
"No, just until 22:00. Wanted to sleep a little extra."
Radek nodded. He really wanted to tell the doctor about Rodney's self harming, but he'd said that he wouldn't yet… and he was a man of his word. But he still had to say something, at least, to get the idea across that something wasn't right. Rodney probably wasn't handling being caught very well, and to be honest, Radek was worried what he was doing now. He'd kept a close eye on him for the remainder of the day, but he could hardly follow the man back into his quarters.

"I just wanted to talk to you a little about Rodney." Radek said, trying not to sound too worried. He sat on the chair that was beside Carson.

"What's wrong?" Carson asked, his mind jumping to all kinds of conclusions.

"Oh, just … today he seemed really down. He tries to hide it a lot but I came in on him when he thought we'd gone, and he looked really awful. I just wanted to tell you so maybe you can check in on him."

"I will, thank you Radek."
"Have you…er… noticed anything like that about him? I mean more than just being down?" Radek asked, trying to see if Carson knew already about the cutting or even that Rodney was down enough to do that.
"To be honest I have been so busy lately. He's seemed alright, and while I thought that maybe he was just showing me what I wanted to see so I wouldn't be distracted… I hadn't really had the time to look closer into it. I feel pretty terrible about it." Carson said, digging the palms of his hands into his eyes. Radek felt guilty for bringing it up now, but at the same time knew it couldn't wait.

"Try not to blame yourself, Carson. But just as a friend, I would recommend you go see him sooner rather than later. I think he really needs you right now."
"You think it's that serious?" Carson asked, brow furrowing.

"Um, I can't say for sure what's going on but I have a feeling that he shouldn't be alone right now. And I think it better for his partner to be there than me."

"How?"
"Oh it's pretty obvious Carson. But don't worry, I doubt you'd bother - or even surprise - anyone here in Atlantis." Radek said with a knowing smile. Carson was a bit unnerved by the information both about Rodney and about his supposedly secret relationship with the man.

"Thank you Radek. I'll go see him shortly, I should probably end my shift early here."

Radek stood and nodded, thanking Carson, and then left again. The doctor really appreciated him coming in and telling him about Rodney, especially since he'd been so busy that he hadn't had a chance to check in on him himself.

Carson went and informed his staff he was leaving early, again receiving no comments asking why (sometimes it's good to be the boss, he thought). Radek didn't tend to overreact, so his comments had left Carson rather concerned. Did something happen in the work day? The doctor quickened his pace for Rodney's room. He couldn't help the tension rise inside his chest as he worked himself up with various 'what if' scenarios.

When he got to Rodney's place, he rang the 'doorbell'. He could let himself in already, being permitted by Rodney and also have a medical override, but didn't want to barge in. He didn't hear a response, and so entered of his own accord. All the rooms were dark, and only illuminated from Carson's presence.

"Rodney?" he called out, eyes searching for the scientist. It didn't take long to find him - he was sitting on the ground on the balcony with his back against the glass that faced Carson standing in the doorway. Rodney didn't make a move to see who was in his quarters now that the place had lights on again. Carson walked out to join him.