"Carson I'm sorry." Rodney pleaded.
"I don't want you be sorry, love, I want you to be safe." Carson responded calmly.
"Carson, let me go!" Rodney shouted, insistent on leaving the infirmary before his team and Elizabeth came. He couldn't believe that this was the outcome of him being open with Carson. He felt betrayed, almost. Intellectually he knew that Carson was just following his obligations, but emotionally he did feel like Carson was ignoring his feelings and just making his life miserable on purpose. He was trapped, and felt so panicked from having lost any control of the situation. He could feel his muscles shaking, his heart pounding in his chest… he just wanted to get out of there.
"Rodney, I'm very worried about you. You made yourself quite sick last night with the alcohol, and those cuts were getting dangerously deep. You also have been doing that for a while now, and didn't say anything to me!" Carson tried to keep himself level, but the emotional hurt bled through.
"I couldn't! Not cause I can't talk to you, but cause you'll tell everyone else! Which you did! So you see why I couldn't tell you?" Rodney huffed, eyeing out the exits. He knew the others would be there soon.
"Rodney, how can I help if you keep it all to yourself and just pretend things are going better than they are?" Carson asked, exasperated.
"How do you expect me to do anything other than pretend? I'm expected to be perfectly fine all the time!" Rodney snapped back, and froze when he heard voices approaching. Carson eyed him carefully, wondering what was going through the scientist's mind. He then heard Sheppard's voice echoing through the infirmary and understood. He turned to go greet Rodney's team, but before he'd taken a step, Rodney bolted.
Carson barked commands to his team, who caught Rodney within moments. He shouted, writhed, and collapsed to the ground sobbing. This concerned Carson even more - Rodney usually didn't behave in this manner, or even consider it.
"Sedate him and put him in the bed over there." Carson instructed his team. He then went to meet with Sheppard and Elizabeth, intending to keep them away from Rodney for the time being. It was all clearly very stressful, and he wanted to reduce that stress as much as possible for his boyfriend. Before he moved around the corner, he took a deep breath. It was difficult to remain objective.
"Hullo, I would like you to come this way and talk if that's alright. I don't think it's in Rodney's best interests to have anyone see him right at this moment." Carson said professionally, and moved his arm outwards to get the group of people to move to the waiting room.
"Surely it's fine." John said, and shifted to move further into the infirmary.
"I assure you colonel, it's not. He's just been sedated and so might not even be conscious. Now, please come with me." Carson responded, and began to shuffle the team out into the waiting room.
No one could question the doctor's authority, and so simply followed and took seats for themselves. Ronon looked confused, but not unkind. Teyla seemed to be concerned, much like Elizabeth. John, however, just looked annoyed.
"Now, I don't know what you've heard…" Carson began, but then was interrupted.
"That Rodney's gone too far with the drink and is pouting for attention? Yeah we heard." John said, arms crossed. Carson gave him a cold stare.
"That is not fair or appropriate, colonel, let alone accurate."
"Well then why don't you tell us what IS accurate? John retorted.
Carson sighed again. This wasn't going to be easy, it seemed.
"Rodney has depression and anxiety. I would suspect he had the anxiety for most of his life, but the depression is new and what's causing the most issues. His anxiety has just gotten stronger, and less controllable. It's a common enough illness, but still has a lot of stigma associated with it. Hiding it just makes it all worse, though. He needs help and treatment like any other illness, and not to be told he can just 'get better', alright colonel?" Carson explained looking directly at John, whom shifted uncomfortably.
"He seemed to be doing fine though, why all of a sudden have this outburst?" Teyla asked, genuinely confused.
"Rodney tried his hardest to pretend things were fine in fear of his treatment by all of you if you found out he was struggling."
"Why?" Ronon asked, ever simply.
"Because honestly, reactions like the colonel's only serves to make things worse."
"Why would he think we'd treat him with anything other than support? Are we not his friends?" Teyla enquired.
"I know love, it's a difficult situation. While you would be caring to him, part of the problem is his paranoia of being ignored, or scolded, for things beyond his control. Which is a real possibility, to be honest." Carson said while smiling to Teyla, trying to ignore Sheppard's annoyed expression.
"That sounds very backwards. I know I don't know a lot about this kind of stuff, but it sounds a lot like the Tenebris." Ronon spoke.
"I agree, I believe it is the same thing from my understanding?" Teyla reinforced, turning her attention to Carson for more information.
"I … I don't know what that is." Carson responded.
"It is a condition amongst most peoples I have encountered here. It is called the "darkness", a cold sorrow that fills someone up inside and stops them from being able to be happy, or feel things at all. More than just being sad - it is like being possessed by an entity that takes over at any time. My people used to think it was wraith spirits taking over the body and draining the life from you." Teyla explained.
"Same with ours. It would take a long time, but the friends and family could beat the spirit and set the person free - or so the legend goes. I don't know if it's true or not, but whatever it is… it needs others to beat." Ronon explained. Carson was glad that both Teyla and Ronon were understanding.
"Yeah, that's basically the same. It's mostly caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, not dark spirits - although I would imagine at times it'd feel like it."
"This is all well and good, but what do we do?" John interrupted.
"We can't have him around if he's a liability." Elizabeth spoke, and immediately Carson got angry.
"That's exactly why he didn't want to tell any of you! You just see him as an asset or a liability, not as a friend or even person that has feelings and needs! Shipping him off back to Earth will just make everything worse for him. No. We need to try deal with this here between us."
Elizabeth shut her mouth and straightened, not used to being snapped at.
"Well, what do you suggest then?" Elizabeth said, turning the burden back upon the doctor. Carson hung his head in his hands.
"I don't know, I'm not a psychiatrist. And I can't be the psychological help for him anymore… not solely, at least. I didn't even notice the self harm until last night when he told me. Zelenka even noticed before me for god sake, and I'm his bloody boyfriend."
Carson peered up once he said that, not having thought about it. Ronon just raised his eyebrows, Teyla smiled, John looked a bit uncomfortable, and Elizabeth just nodded.
"That doesn't mean he doesn't trust you, Carson. It'd be hard to confide in you I guess when you have a duty of care over him." Elizabeth said, attempting to now comfort Carson. She might be a little unsettled about the whole situation, but at least could see when her CMO was struggling.
"I know, I just… it hurts, you know? I care for him so much, and that suffering was happening right in front of me."
Carson knew he wasn't giving very helpful answers. He was still at a bit of a loss over it all, himself.
"Look, just for now, be kind. Don't scold, or say things like 'get over it', 'snap out of it', 'start acting right'…. those kinds of things aren't helpful. Just … be there. Don't force him into things, and just listen. You can come through now, he's probably lucid now."
The group nodded and rose, following the doctor into the infirmary.