Carson had released Rodney after they had made a 'mental health support plan' for him, and run down actions for him to take in a 'crisis'. Rodney laughed inwardly at the word. He knew what they meant by it, but he certainly had a different opinion of it now. To him, a crisis would be him strapped to a bed, with no control or say in what was done to him. Not him feeling suicidal or like harming himself. No, those were quite calming thoughts. As Rodney sat in his room, he felt the urge to cut himself again. But he couldn't, not with everyone eyeing him closely and Carson checking him each night. In a way Rodney felt he should be grateful that there was someone that cared enough about him to put in that effort. But at the same time, he just felt guilty for getting that close to someone that was genuinely nice enough to put that effort in for him - when he was just going to end it all and leave Carson alone and miserable.
Rodney sighed inwardly at the thought of leaving Carson. It still hurt him to think of the poor man's suffering… but he reminded himself that he wasn't responsible for protecting everyone from hurt. He shouldn't have to suffer just for the sake of everyone else's comfort. And again, the same thought resounded in his mind: he wouldn't care when he's dead. So even if he felt guilty for leaving Carson, and the others, it wouldn't matter in the end. He wouldn't feel it after he did it. He knew it was selfish, but he honestly couldn't care. He wouldn't care about that either when he was dead. The appeal of feeling nothing was so enticing that it dominated over all other thoughts. Sometimes he felt unsettled at how quickly, and how easily, he was thinking about suicide. But those moments were few and far between since being released from the infirmary. Having to listen to all the talk of planning for his safety, like he was just an uncontrollable stupid child… it was more than he could bear. Their fake care wasn't going to fool him.
"People only care that you don't die. They don't care to help you stay alive." Rodney uttered to himself bitterly. He'd been forced to talk to Dr Heightmyer once already, the day after leaving the infirmary. He had another appointment today, only two days later. It seemed excessive to him, but it didn't matter anyway. Sure, frequent visits might help if he was still trying to fix everything, but they were just a hinderance when he was going to escape instead.
Rodney had been at his computer for most of the time since he'd been put on leave. He was collecting all of his various projects together and organising them, and finishing off some of the ones that were almost done. He'd typed a few more of his musings down, thoughts that just ran across his brain in passing, just in case they lead to more breakthroughs by those who continued his work. Rodney huffed to himself, remembering how happy Carson was to see him working and focusing his mind. To the doctor, Rodney was trying hard to be normal and keep going like he always did… working on projects, writing down ideas to investigate in the future. Soon enough Carson would realise how wrong he was.
Rodney stood, having finished putting his 'affairs in order'. He peeked out of the door to make sure no one was standing there eavesdropping, as had been the case once before, and then went back inside and set up the video camera. He sat down to record his messages. He'd done this a couple of times before, when they feared impending doom, and so knew generally what he was going to say. He started off with the usual explanation of where his life's work could be found, and a goodbye to his sister (without going into details). He addressed his team, and Elizabeth. And then started on the more emotional things.
"Zelenka. Radek. I'm sorry for the way I treated you all this time. You were a good man, and a good friend, and didn't deserve the negative treatment that I gave you. And I should have listened to you. It's funny to think how differently this all would have turned out if I had just been less of an asshole and just listened to you. But I didn't, and now it's up to you and, and, and whomever … to continue some of the work I started. I know that if you end up taking my place as chief scientist, you'll do an excellent job. Even if it doesn't seem like it, I really valued your input and dedication, and your friendship. Thank you for trying to help, as well." Rodney said, nodding at the end.
"Carson. I don't know what to say. I know you're hurting, and probably angry at me. And knowing you, angry at yourself. But please don't. None of this was your fault, and you did everything you could. I feel guilty for getting so close to you only to leave you like this, but I can't go on anymore. You were too good for me, and maybe if things had turned out differently, we could have grown old together. If I had turned out differently. Been a better person for you. It's ok to be sad, but don't stay sad. You are amazing as a doctor, a friend, and a partner. They need you. I love you, and I'm so sorry. If it weren't for you, this would have happened a lot sooner - so you saved my life, every day, for over two months. Don't feel bad that you missed a day." Rodney spoke, tears flowing by the end. He turned off the camera, and went and curled up in the bed for a while.