"Don't be sad you missed a day."

Carson was left sobbing. Radek had brought in Rodney's goodbye video, and he hadn't been able to hold it together. Not that he should, really. At least he was in his office where there was some privacy. Radek rubbed Carson's back, as it had seemed to help last time.

"Why, Radek? Why would he do this?"
"I don't know, Carson, but please remember he wasn't thinking properly. He didn't do it to hurt you."

Carson didn't have anything to respond. He knew Radek was right, and was glad that at least there was someone that was understanding and supportive for him. It was hard to be the sole support for Rodney all the time, despite wanting to do it. It was harder to be the CMO and expected to be detached and fine all the time. Well, he felt that way at least. His staff didn't really hold him to that expectation, as shown when he was curled up in the bed next to Rodney trying to come to terms with what had happened. They'd been rather understanding.

"Carson? I need to talk to you about something." Radek said once Carson had calmed down a little.

"Hm?" The doctor answered with a sniffle.

"When Rodney wakes, he … well, he likely won't be himself." Radek said, being sure not to say 'if'.

"I don't think there will be any brain damage, he didn't go without oxygen for any amount of time." Carson responded.

"No that's not what I meant. I … well, I've kinda been through this sort of thing before, many years ago. My brother - well, he tried, and when he woke up in the hospital he was… very angry. He screamed, he shouted at my family, said he hated them for saving him. Then he didn't speak to anyone for a long time. I'm not saying Rodney will do the same, but … if he does, please don't think he's … well, he is being honest at the time, but his thinking is different. He tried to escape everything and you brought him back to face it again."
Carson nodded. He had a vague memory of this kind of behaviour from his training, but it was from a while ago. He appreciated Radek trying to help, but at the moment it felt more upsetting than anything. Mostly because Rodney still hadn't begun breathing on his own yet, and talking as if he'd pull through felt a bit hollow.

"Dr Beckett?"

Carson and Radek turned to face the doctor that was in the doorway of the office.

"It seems like Dr McKay is recovering, but we thought you would like to inspect before we remove him from the ventilator."
"Yes, thank you." Carson said while getting up from the desk, not caring how coincidental it was. Radek followed despite not being sure he was allowed to be there watching.

Much to Carson's relief, he was able to take Rodney off the ventilator. He was still unconscious, but this was the sign he was after that the scientist would actually recover. Carson felt like a lead weight had been lifted from his chest.

"He's going to be ok." He breathed at Radek, who smiled and nodded back. With any luck, Rodney would wake up soon. Radek, however, doubted how 'ok' he was going to be when he woke.

Rodney saw blurred images of light, and became aware of his body. He blinked more, and made out that he was staring at a roof. He flickered his eyes about and saw monitors and various equipment about, and concluded he was in the infirmary. The pit of his stomach dropped at the realisation. He was alive. He now had to deal with the consequences of his attempt, and all the things he tried to run from. He groaned, not so much at the pain he felt all over, but at the thought of having to stick around. His body felt like he'd been run over. All the muscles ached, and he could barely move any of them. He felt nauseous, his throat was dry and stung, and his nose and sinuses burnt. Being alive was really shitty, he concluded.

His eyes focused on a form looking over him. It was Carson. Rodney noticed that he looked pretty terrible; his eyes were red and strained, his face was gaunt, and he looked exhausted. But Rodney couldn't feel any pity for him. Instead, he felt annoyed… angry, even. Carson was the one who saved him, and so was the reason he was still here in this misery. He loved him, but he couldn't feel that either. All he could feel was hurt, and pain, and dread… and hatred for the man that forced him to feel all these things.

"Rodney?" Carson asked, worry laced in his voice. Rodney just looked away from the concerned Scot's face.

"Rodney, what is it?"
"Why?" Rodney grumbled, his voice hoarse.

"Why what, love?"
"Why did you save me?"

Carson didn't respond. The words slapped him in the face and stabbed him in the chest. He remembered what Radek had told him, but it didn't stop the sting of those words. How could Rodney think he would do anything other than save him? Rodney tried to roll over on his side, but his muscles were still painful - and so he gave up with a grunt. Carson stroked his shoulder, but Rodney still didn't look at him.

"Can I get you anything?" Carson asked, his voice hushed.

"Since you won't give me what I want, some water will be fine." Rodney snapped, eyes squinting at the doctor. He didn't care if he hurt Carson… in fact, he felt like it was only fair Carson hurt as well.

"Don't be like that, love." Carson spoke, but left before Rodney could respond. He walked over to the table to get a cup of water, but rested heavily on the bench with his arms. He took some deep breaths, but he couldn't hold back the tears. He felt like his insides were tearing themselves apart, leaving a huge empty cavity inside. This was indeed going to be difficult. But no matter what Rodney said, or could say, Carson was still grateful that he was alive. Sure, the words would hurt, but the feeling he had when he was afraid Rodney wouldn't make it … nothing would be worse than that, not while he was still with him.

Carson returned and helped Rodney drink some, still feeling the internal conflict of being happy Rodney was still alive, and hurt at Rodney's attitude. All he could do was breathe deep, and hope that it would pass once Rodney started getting used to the idea that he was alive, and going to stay that way as far as Carson was concerned.

"Leave me." Rodney spoke, and Carson nodded. He really didn't want to, but he wanted to respect Rodney's wishes. In fact, he felt fairly anxious not being around Rodney. He felt he needed to be there to stop him making another attempt, to comfort him, to make sure that he was really there.

He left the room and out to the waiting area. Radek, bless him, had taken it upon himself to communicate with the senior staff about Rodney's condition. Carson was very grateful to not have to deal with that as well. Still, he did have to talk to them somewhat. They'd been wanting to come visit since Rodney was taken in, but Carson had denied them. Now that Rodney was awake, he could have visitors, but he wanted to warn them what they were getting themselves into.

"Carson." Elizabeth spoke as the doctor entered the room.

"Elizabeth." Carson responded. "You can go see him now, since he's awake. But I need to warn you - he's not in his normal state of mind."
"What do you mean?"
"He was pretty convinced he was going to die, and is not happy that he's having to face everything he was trying to escape. He's being rather… hurtful. Try not to take what he says too personally, he's just not thinking clearly. The desperation and disappointment are just overwhelming right now." Carson said, speaking not only to Elizabeth but to the rest of Rodney's team that were gathered.

"Still," Carson said, sniffling, "It does hurt."

Teyla walked over and stroked Carson's arm supportively.
"I'm alright, dear, thank you."

"I beg to differ Carson, you look terrible. I think you should get some rest." Elizabeth spoke.

"I will, soon." Carson spoke, not sure when he would get around to it but hoping to placate the base leader.

They agreed to see him one at a time, and Carson sat nearby to monitor Rodney - incase of medical problems arising or more self harming attempts. Carson kept feeling the sedative he had in his pocket. He didn't want to use it, considering what Rodney's body had just went through, but he would if it looked like Rodney was about to cause more harm to himself.

Elizabeth's meeting had gone about as expected: Rodney had been avoidant, gruff, and occasionally hurtful. At least he seemed to calm down a little when Elizabeth assured him that he wasn't about to be sent away because of what happened. Carson smiled at that. Teyla and Ronon came together, since neither of them had much to say. Rodney didn't really have much to say to them either. It was just a 'get better soon' and 'thanks' kind of conversation. John's encounter was next.

Carson expected there to be a lot of griping and snapping, with the colonel behaving arrogantly and orderly like before. But Carson was surprised, since John came and sat beside Rodney quietly. Neither man spoke for a while, and even though Carson knew he shouldn't eavesdrop on the conversation, curiosity got the best of him.

"I'm sorry, Rodney." John spoke sullenly.

Rodney's eyes moved from the empty space beside him and up to meet the colonel's.

"I didn't understand what you were going through, and I thought you were just making a scene to get attention and forgiveness. I acted like a jerk because of it. I was insensitive and didn't bother to consider your feelings or why you were doing what you did. I… I have seen how desperately you've fought to save our lives as well as your own, and so when I heard you'd tried to end yours…I saw how bad it must have all been. And I felt so damn guilty over how I treated you, and I was so scared I wouldn't be able to apologise for it. I'm sorry, Rodney, I really am."

Rodney didn't interrupt, but just stared into the colonel's eyes as he poured his soul out. He nodded softly, and John got up and left without another word being shared between them. Rodney was left in the bed, processing the information that had just being delivered to him. It wasn't often that Sheppard was that apologetic, or sincere. Carson felt in himself that he forgave him for his actions. Deciding it was best to just leave Rodney there for the time being, hopefully to get some rest, Carson went into his office to do the same. He couldn't bare to go to his quarters, even though he knew Rodney was in a safe place. He knew he would have to eventually, but he planned to take Rodney with him instead.