I hope you all found the last chapter acceptable, and that it did serve a purpose. Thanks for the reviews so far, and to just say something to the lovely abilenevespa: I totally agree with you, but I really needed to put it in... hopefully this chapter will explain a bit more!

Carson sat on the edge of the bed, with his head in his hands. How could he have done that? He was overwhelmed with guilt, and anger towards himself. He'd uttered an apology to the sleeping form beside him, sprawled out and snoring, but it was more as practice for when Rodney woke. He sighed and looked up to the roof. He was a doctor, how on earth did he want sex as a self harm? He'd gotten a small rectal tear, and so felt a constant uncomfortable throb from his rear. But he knew that just happens sometimes, and wasn't a serious issue. His demand of no condoms, were, however, serious. At least he knew Rodney didn't have HIV, but he needed to get himself tested anyway. More embarrassingly, he would need to get Rodney tested. Just to be sure. It was really pressuring on him; a little injury could be just forgotten, and they'd just heal... but STIs could be lifelong.

"What's up, Carson?"

Carson looked down and saw Rodney peering at him. Carson's stomach dropped.
"Thinking. Regretting…"
"What? You regret last night? I…I'm…"
"Relax, Rodney, it's my actions, not your performance or the decision to do things with you."
Rodney sighed relief, after suddenly fearing Carson was rejecting him.

"What do you mean then?" Rodney asked, sitting up.
"I… I never should have forced you to be so rough."
"Oh, that? I don't mind, Carson, I mean, if you like that kind of stuff, then I'm…"

"No, not really that. I mean I do like some things kinda like that but not quite that … way. What I mean is… I was desperate for feeling you were alive, Rodney."
"I gathered."
"But I also tried to use doing things rough and dangerous as a kind of punishment."
Rodney suddenly felt a bit awkward.

"Punishment? Er, what do you mean?" Rodney asked, coughing uncomfortably.

"I never really understood what you meant when you talked about that desire for self harm. Not until I felt it yesterday when I saw I'd lost you again. I felt like I had failed you again, and I just felt overwhelmed by the need to be punished for it. I hadn't felt like that before. I wanted you to hurt me…"
"It's alright, Carson…" Rodney tried to say, but couldn't think about reasons to support it.

"No, it's not… I crossed the line, love… I should never put you in that position."
"Carson! Stop blaming yourself so much. I get what it's like, and I don't hate you for doing it. You weren't thinking normal, and that's just what it's like when you're stuck in that mentality of self harming. I would cut, and think of nothing but wanting that pain and blood. I wouldn't think that you'd see it later on and a huge issue would come, I didn't think about how I would hurt you that I did it and didn't come to you first… those kinds of things just don't come to mind, and it's not because you're being selfish but because you just are in a different mindset."
"That's pretty deep, Rodney."
"I've had a long time to sit and think about things that are deep, lately. Experience makes you wise, I guess." Rodney said, shrugging, and patted Carson on the shoulder.

"I still never should have asked you not to use the condom." Carson spoke in a hushed tone.

"I did kinda object, cause that's… yeah, not really a good idea… but what's done is done. Again, it's just cause you were thinking of the desire for harm, and the consequences and other things that might affect your decision just don't apply for some reason. The fact that it was an obvious bad idea just doesn't register. I get that, really."

Carson turned to face Rodney, and hugged him close.

"I don't think I really understood what it was like for you until now. All the training and medical advice doesn't really give the same understanding. I'm sorry, Rodney, for guilting you for not coming to me. For harming yourself. For thinking it was as simple as just getting you to talk to people about it all. I… I never considered just how much your thinking changes in those moments."

Rodney just held him for a while, stroking gently down Carson's back. There were faint red marks from where he'd scratched him. His eyes wandered about to see if there were any other injuries, and noticed some blood on the sheets.

"Are you hurt, Carson?" Rodney asked. Carson just shook his head.

"Nothing bad, physically."

"It's just there's blood…"
"Oh, small rectal tear, it'll be fine. But, er, I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to test our blood for any infections from my… mistake."

Rodney knew what Carson was asking, but decided it was better to just let him do the tests than tell him he was fine. Instead, he wanted to continue talking about some more of the deep emotional things. It wasn't often he felt like it was the right time to discuss these things, and wanted to take advantage of it.

"We all make mistakes, Carson. It's just what happens when we try deal with things without being able to think properly. I mean, I still feel just as horrible as when I tried to end my life, but these past couple of days have made me see that trying to do it was a mistake. I wanted to escape because I didn't see a way of it getting better… and I didn't see the pain it caused, and honestly I didn't care about it. I just wasn't in a place to care. But my team have been really open to me being not ok … I don't have to pretend all the time, and that's a big relief. I didn't realise how much hurt and just… restriction… that was causing me. I admit I still have episodes where I am back to that same mental state, where I don't consider the bigger picture and consequences and all. But at least I guess I'm a bit more aware of it now?" Rodney spoke, trying not to ramble. Carson listened intensely, nodding occasionally.

"To be honest, Carson, I really want to just be able to tell you that I'm there in that place and have you know what to do, and not judge me for it. And I didn't think I could until now, really. I always felt like you would stand over me as the great doctor and expect me to just make myself think properly, as if it was just a matter of effort. To just deal with all the emotions." Rodney said, looking directly into Carson's eyes. He could see the pain that Carson felt from his words, but knew he needed to say it.

"I'm really sorry you felt that way, Rodney. I… I felt like I didn't know how to go to you to help, and just expected you'd come to me for everything. Most of the training and stuff I have is all about how to deal with the patient when they tell you things or behave a certain way … it doesn't say a whole lot about how to help someone that isn't just coming to you and telling you everything." Carson admitted.

There was just silence for a while, as the two held each other. While things were roughly as bad as it had been for both of them, they at least felt like the other understood. And for Rodney, that was the most important thing. He started to feel like there might be a way to work out the problems and survive. Maybe not be free, but live.

"It's really hard for me to come to anyone for help. I spent my whole life being the achiever, and even here, it's usually up to me to be the saviour of everyone. I have to always be able to be relied on, and so that makes me feel like it's too uncomfortable to go to people being anything other than reliable." Rodney said after a while.

"I can understand that, love, but know it's not true. At least not with those closest to you."
"I don't know if I will be able to do it, Carson."
"Come to me for help? Or any of us?"
"Yeah." Rodney responded, not entirely sure that was what he was talking about, but conceded anyway.
"Well, what if I helped? I can try come to you and ask if you are alright more often? Give you the permission to be not ok and get some help?" Carson offered, hoping that it might make a difference.
"That might be nice, yeah." Rodney said, still unsure, but willing to hope that it might work.

"It's not going to just be better, Carson. It's going to be a long time… if ever…" Rodney added.
"Obviously, you silly bugger. Of course I don't expect you to just get better over the next couple days of me asking you how you are." Carson exclaimed, giggling.
"I just mean, I'm not being … unhelpful, or …or, like, unwilling to try to get better and all…if things stay like they are." Rodney mumbled.
"I know, love. I am still a doctor, you know, and so do know a little about what goes on."
"Right, sorry. Well, sometimes." Rodney blushed as he apologised, but smiled while he hinted to last night, trying to remind the doctor that he wasn't angry over his actions.
"Hehe, yeah… that. Well, as awkward as recent events are, I think at least some good came of it."
"Hm?"
"I got to understand you a whole lot better. And, hopefully, that'll be enough to help you get back to being alright again."

Carson smiled, and kissed Rodney gently.
"And…" Carson added, pressing his hand against Rodney's chest. "Being alright again doesn't mean that you're not allowed to have down times as well."
Rodney nodded, glad that Carson added that last part. He knew it was mostly to try and placate the anxious voice inside his head that would say that once he was better, he had to stay better… and that pressure made it impossible to even start on the road to recovery.