Rodney had been restricted to light duty once Carson had been confident enough to release him from the infirmary. He'd expected initially to get looks from everyone, and the usual hushed chatter as he walked by. But instead he'd just been greeted with smiles from those he looked at directly in the eye, and ignored by the rest. It was, in fact, better treatment than he received before Doranda.

John had been respectful towards him. Elizabeth had stopped demanding things from him and that he act a certain way. Teyla and Ronon basically treated him the same, except didn't even blink if he said he needed some extra time for whatever reason. Carson was still watching him closely, but that was understandable at least. Overall, people were treating him pretty good, and Rodney felt much better for it. He didn't really understand just how much other people's opinions and treatments affected him until he'd witnessed the change. He had been secretly terrified, covering up panic inside, once he'd been released. But now, all that anxiety had just taken a back seat. It wasn't gone; he could feel that it all could come back full force the moment someone said something even seemingly innocuous, but he was glad to be free from it all the time none the less.

Carson had convinced him to start taking antidepressants the day after he'd tried to escape from the infirmary. He'd been on them for about a month now, maybe a little longer, and he was actually feeling a bit better. He wasn't sure if it was because of the meds, or the change in attitude towards him, or both, but he didn't really mind. All the dark feelings and thoughts were still there inside him, but it was easier to put them aside. He didn't know if that's what he was supposed to be doing, but it helped. Carson said that it was fine as long as he didn't just keep ignoring them and let them build up hidden below the surface. The doctor was worried it'd all explode one day and overwhelm him, and make him attempt again. Rodney couldn't say that he was wrong.

The one thing that he'd been worried about most was the medication affecting his problem solving ability and sharpness of mind. Carson had managed to convince him by arguing that he wouldn't be required to be the 'saviour' while he was still struggling with suicide, and that he might as well try since if he did die, then he wouldn't be there to help anyone with his mind anyway. Rodney still didn't like the idea that he would need to likely change medications, even a few times, until one worked. As a physicist it was a difficult thing to understand that the same problem could have different solutions; so one medicine might work to treat the same thing in others but not him. But, he'd agreed to try, so he tried not to let it bother him and just hope instead the one Carson thought best would work from the start.

Rodney had spent a lot of time in his lab going over some old projects, mostly to make sure that he could still concentrate and understand them. Sure it could be a little paranoid as his boyfriend suggested, but he didn't care. He was doing something constructive at least. Radek had stayed in close proximity to him for most of the day, and Rodney didn't know if it was because he had been asked to keep an eye on him or he just chose to do it himself. He tried to bury the thoughts that Radek was watching him to spot out mistakes in his work. The Czech's friendly demeanour, and disinterest in Rodney's projects, helped to keep the scientist from thinking such things about his colleague-come-friend.

His appointments with Dr Heightmyer had become less frequent, going from daily to every second day, and now twice a week. He was glad to be on the expedition in that regard: the psychiatrist's job was to help just the expedition members, and so he'd been bumped up to the priority list after his attempt. Carson had admitted to him that he had spoken to Dr Heightmyer and requested such frequent sessions. As it turned out, people back on Earth usually didn't get such regular help even after suicide attempts. It made him sad to think that there were people out there who felt as he did, who tried to end their lives the same as him, but were so alone or considered insignificant that they were sent on their way without any intervention or support. Just maybe an appointment with someone once a fortnight. Or put in hospital for a few days then nothing following up. He wasn't sure he'd have been able to get to this point without so many people looking out for him.

It was the second appointment this week for him today, and he was waiting out the front of the doctor's office. It was nice, not having to be embarrassed from seeing her.

"Rodney, come in."

Rodney smiled and got up, and walked in to the usual seat.

"How have you been since we last talked." Kate asked.

"Alright, I guess. Just spending most of my time looking over old projects, or just thinking. Or spending time with Carson."
"Oh, good, how is that going?"
"Fine? I enjoy his company, and I think he enjoys mine."
"Come on Rodney, we both know he loves you dearly. Of course he enjoys spending time with you."
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Rodney said, blushing a little.

"Was the there anything you wanted to talk about today in particular?" Kate asked, and Rodney scrunched up his face in thought.
"I... I honestly don't know. I guess cause there's so much I could say, I don't know what is more important?"
"That's alright, and it doesn't matter what's most important. Tuesday we talked about the urges for self harm, would you like to continue talking about that?"
"Um, sure." Rodney said. It was still a little uncomfortable to talk about, but Dr Heightmyer had been very understanding about it.

"Have you done any since we last spoke?" Kate asked, no tone of insinuation in her voice.
"No, but I have wanted to. I just tried hard to resist, since I know Carson doesn't like it."
"That's good. I can understand it might feel restrictive, or like a pressure placed upon you, that Carson doesn't like you harming yourself. But I know we've talked about him disliking it because of not wanting to see harm come to you, not because you feel you have to come to it."

Rodney nodded. It did feel like he was under pressure to not harm, and often that made him feel trapped, but ultimately he wanted to do what he could to get better and make Carson happier.

"It is, yeah, but ... I want to try, for him, you know? I mean I still have the urge, almost all the time, but sometimes it gets so bad and I don't know what to do."
"What do you do, in those times?"

"I ... I talk to Radek. He's offered to be there, and he's actually a really good listener. I mean I still enjoy poking fun at him and all, but it's become more just professional banter to cover up that he's a good friend now. I know I should go to Carson, and I talk to him about it afterwards, but at the time I find it too hard to bring it up with him. I guess it's because of that pressure? I don't know. Carson always seems to want to fix it, you know? Fix the wound, or talk about the consequences, or try stop the feelings and urges. Radek just listens. He asks a couple questions but just waits, and never tries to make me feel like I can't cut. Like, that he's there to help me not do it but it's my choice and he'll help afterwards just the same."

"It's ok, that makes a lot of sense, don't worry. I understand Carson's nature is to help and prevent harm, and I know it's hard for him to allow harm. I know you've said he's much more understanding about the urge to harm, but he's still a doctor... and he will always try to prevent harm innately. I guess that's where that pressure comes from, even when he's trying hard to be supportive. It's good that you have Radek there for that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning self harm in any way. But it seems having that freedom is helping you choose not to hurt yourself, and that's the most important thing."

Kate smiled at him. Rodney smiled back, glad that he can be open about the things that he really needed to resolve. And he felt a bit proud that the psychiatrist was glad he was doing the right thing to help himself. He felt like he was truly making progress.