Sorry for the delay, life has been a bit challenging. But I give you the final installment of the story! I might end up writing another continuing from this, but for now I think it's time for this narrative to end. Thank you so much for all the support in reviews, I appreciate it. Hopefully I'll hear from you again in some other story ~
Carson opened the door to see Rodney sitting on the balcony, his legs dangling over the edge, and a bottle in his hand. The doctor gulped as his stomach dropped, and approached very slowly.
"Rodney?"
"Carson? Hi." Rodney said as he turned around and saw Carson walking towards him.
"Is everything ok? Why don't you come here and we can talk?"
"Huh? No, things are fine. Just thinking, you know."
"Alright, but why are you sitting over the balcony drinking?" Carson spoke carefully, still approaching closer… he was afraid he'd have to act quick and leap to catch the scientist.
Rodney turned his head to Carson again, who was considerably closer now, and smiled.
"No it's uh, apple juice. Promise." Rodney said, lifting up the glass bottle for Carson to see.
"Ok, but you're sure you don't want to talk about anything?" Carson said, seating himself beside Rodney.
Rodney exhaled.
"I guess we could talk if you want, but really Carson… I'm fine. Well, you know, as can be."
"So you're feeling ok?"
"Yeah. I mean I still do feel down often, but it's not as bad as it was before the medication. Still have the anxiety, but I've always had that so that's not so bad really. It's like… I still feel crap, but I don't get stuck in it."
"That's good to hear, Rodney. I will say, when I came in I got a bit worried about you."
"Jumping? Nah. The way I tried last time was pretty good, so I would just use that again I reckon." Rodney said, much to Carson's horror.
"What? I'm not letting you near those things, not in your current state…"
"Relax Carson, I'm not saying I'm going to run out and overdose again. I just meant that I'm not going to jump, and I had a lot of time to plan out the best ways before and jumping wasn't on that list."
"You made a list?"
"Yeah, well, that's kinda what I do, isn't it?"
"Can I see it?" Carson asked, still feeling a ball of anxiety in his gut.
"I… I don't know if that's wise, I mean I don't want you to get upset about it." Rodney said, shrugging his shoulders and drinking more juice.
Carson squinted at Rodney.
"Are you sure you don't want to show me so I don't know what you might try next?"
"No no, well maybe on some level." Rodney chuckled. "But if you really want to see it I can show you."
Carson nodded. He put his hand on Rodney's back.
"I couldn't live with myself if I lost you, you know." Carson spoke after a small silence.
"I don't know what I would do if I lost you either, Carson. I'm really sorry that I tried to leave you." Rodney responded, his voice low and quiet. Carson leaned his head against Rodney's shoulder.
"I know love. It's not your fault, it just happens. We deal with it. All I can say is I'm glad you're still here. And that I'm going to do everything I can to keep you here."
"Carson, you're doing plenty. Sure things are still hard, and I do still sometimes feel that urge to die, but I don't want to. You give me a reason to fight to stay."
"I'm glad."
"Everyone else being so understanding and supportive helps too, but you are the one that I stay for."
"You know what? I stay for you too." Carson said, smiling.
"Just me eh?" Rodney poked.
"Arg, shut it. You know what I mean." Carson said, sitting up and giving Rodney a playful gentle shove.
The pair sat there in silence for some time, just enjoying watching the sun set over the ocean behind the city.
"Carson, I can't help but be scared that I'm going to lose you, or you me, someday… beyond our control."
"What do you mean?"
"Our jobs put us in harm's way a lot… I mean, I've almost died often enough…"
"I know, love. It worries me too. But we can't just leave. We're needed here."
Rodney sighed heavily.
"Yeah. We're both needed here. People die all the time here, and you can't deny the mathematical probability that it'll be one of us eventually." Rodney said, beginning to ramble.
Carson was struck quiet for a while. As a doctor, death was just part of his profession. But he never really thought about it as a real threat on himself or his love. It was rather upsetting.
"Carson? You alright?"
Carson sniffled, aware of the tears filling his eyes.
"Yeah, Rodney. I just… I don't want to lose you."
"Listen to me, eh? I'm going to do my very best to stick around here for you. For everyone, yes, but mostly for you, ok? Sure I can't promise anything beyond my control, but I can promise my determination to stay alive."
"I don't want to pressure you, love…" Carson uttered, but didn't want to stop Rodney's promise.
"I'll still feel down, and like ending it no doubt, but I will fight that hard to stay alive. And when something happens threatening my life and all our lives, like it happens, I'll try as hard as I can to save me, er, us. I love you, Carson."
"I'm glad, and I love you too." Carson said, unsure what else to say.
"Well how about we get off this balcony? It's going to get cold soon. We can get dinner and snuggle for a while?" Carson offered.
"Yeah that sounds good. I'm glad that I can just … be … around you. I don't have to hide anything. Just be honest and me." Rodney said as he stood, helping Carson to his feet afterwards.
"Always, Rodney." Carson uttered.
Carson smiled, chuckling inside at how he came here worried about Rodney jumping, and now he was assured of Rodney's determination to stay with him. It was very comforting.
"Listen Carson, I er… just … I was just thinking, about everything we just said, about never knowing when something'll happen and we could die at any moment …"
"Aye?" Carson said, aware of how anxious Rodney suddenly became.
"I just, well… it seems that, since we are…essentially being here for each other… and since, yeah, all that… I normally, er, think things over way too much but it's obvious we might not have time for that, so er…" Rodney rambled, the anxiety whirling inside of him. It was so spontaneous, so unlike him, but he knew he wanted it.
"Rodney love, what is it?" Carson asked, curious and worried. Everything Rodney had been talking about had seem so life affirming, but he was acting like he was going to do something irrational… and it kind of scared him.
Rodney gulped, looked Carson in the eyes, and sunk onto one knee.
"Carson…"
"Oh god…" Carson said as he suddenly realised what was going on.
"Carson, I know I'm not perfect, and I know I have a lot of issues still… but I want to be yours while I try make myself the man you deserve. If you'll have me, Carson, I would very much love to be your husband. I, er, don't have a ring ready, but I want to ask now… will you marry me?" Rodney asked, holding Carson's hand and continuing to stare into the doctor's sparkling blue eyes.
"Rodney… yes, of course I'll marry you! It's such a shock, I…I can't believe it's really happening." Carson said, tearing up again. "You don't have to change for me, love… but we will work on making things better, together."
Rodney stood, and kissed his new fiancé as the sun set beside them.
Carson and Rodney had both decided they need not be overly touchy-feely around the inhabitants of the base. They were comfortable just being together, and quipping with each other as they normally did; and so they didn't feel like they needed to make everyone else always see that they were together by constantly kissing or cuddling. Everyone knew about their relationship anyway.
Rodney had wanted to have the wedding as quick as he could, and Carson wasn't sure if it was because Rodney was worried about something happening to take him away from him, or if it was because Rodney needed a solid reminder to stay alive for Carson. Whatever the reason, Carson was more than happy to oblige. The prospect of having Rodney McKay as his husband made him reel like the time he had his first kiss as a teenager.
Rodney has asked Radek to be his best man. John had felt overlooked, but understood that so far, Radek had been a better friend to Rodney than he had. Instead of being bitter about it, he had decided to instead try harder to be a better friend to the scientist. Carson had had a harder time choosing someone. He was friendly with a lot of people, but no one person stood out. Eventually, he had decided to ask a colleague from the infirmary: Dr Keller. He felt like it shouldn't matter what gender his best man was, so asked her to be his best woman. Elizabeth was of course officiating, and much to their surprise, the entire base had turned out for the ceremony.
Rodney breathed deep.
"You ready?" He asked Carson, who stood beside him.
"Aye. Bit nervous, but an excited nervous." Carson said, smiling.
They both stood tall, and entered the gateroom. They didn't want to have a traditional ceremony, making one of them assume a female role and the other the male role by having one walk up the aisle. Instead, they decided to both enter together, and walk up together.
As they stood into the light of the gateroom, the crowd of people stood, and music started. They could see Elizabeth standing in front of the window, at the top of the stairs in front of the stargate. Radek and Dr Keller stood either side of her, and the rest of Rodney's team were up there as well. Everyone smiled as both Carson and Rodney walked down the aisle made through the middle of the crowd gathered to watch. They had their arms linked, both wearing suits, and beamed as they approached Elizabeth.
"We're all gathered here today to celebrate two of our senior officers, Dr Carson Beckett, and Dr Rodney McKay, joining together in marriage. The pathway we all walk here is a difficult one, and there are dark times for us all… and it is wonderful that through all that, we can find happiness and love. All of us here wish the both of you the very best in your future together, and we look forward to sharing your journey with you as we all continue to live and work together here in Atlantis. I know that there is no one present who opposes this union, but I am compelled to ask that any speak up now."
Elizabeth didn't leave any time for anyone to say anything before continuing.
"Now, I believe you both have written vows?"
Carson nodded, and took Rodney's hand.
"Rodney, you are truly amazing, and I can't fathom my life without you in it. When we both started out here, I felt the connection between us… though at first I thought it was more annoyance at your whinging." Carson said, chuckling, and followed by a round of short laughter.
"But it wasn't long and I managed to see the man behind the facade you present outwards. The kind, caring man who would do anything and everything for the ones he loved. You were always so anxious, and when I saw why, I saw how beautiful of a person you were. Yes, you still are arrogant at times, but you're brilliant, and amazing. You told me that you want to become the man I deserve, but you don't realise how lucky I feel that I have you in my life. It is I who will try to be the man you deserve in the years that are to come."
Carson managed to get through all the speech he'd memorised without tearing up.
"Carson. You are the most incredible man I've ever met. I know I discredit your field often, but it's because I feel so inadequate in comparison. Here in Atlantis, it's about as important as a physicist can be. No where else really can someone of my skill set be responsible for saving lives… but you, you do that wherever you go. It's who you are. And you saved me. I'm not talking about the many times you have actually saved me from dying with your medical skills, I'm talking about you, your caring and compassion, your patience and understanding, that saved my life. I was so ready to quit and you made me see the best part was still to come. And yes, I will keep working hard to make myself a better man, because that's what you deserve. I love you, Carson."
"Then without further ado, I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may now kiss." Elizabeth concluded.
Rodney used his thumb to wipe the tear forming in Carson's eye, and then kissed him. The base applauded, and the pair broke their kiss and held hands as they walked out of the room. They had a week of leave to do as they pleased for their honeymoon, none of which they intended to offer to do any work. Rodney was happier than he had been in a very long time, and Carson was euphoric. Rodney felt more sure than ever to fight as hard as his mind and soul could let him to stay living here with his wonderful, and devoted, husband. Things were better than they had been for a very long time, and Rodney, looking into the pure love and joy of Carson's face, knew that it would all be ok in the end.