Three Weeks Later
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Clarke headed for Raven's door, talking over her shoulder to the group assembled in the apartment. "I'll have him over here in a few minutes! Try to keep it to a dull roar and don't let Jasper drink all the booze before the actual birthday boy gets here!"
She pulled the door shut behind her to a few grumbles, probably from Jasper, and made her way down the hallway to the elevator.
It was slower going than normal, given her extremely high heeled shoes, so she had a few minutes to think on her way to Bellamy's.
She was currently wearing those black leather, laser cut-out, peep-toe, stiletto booties…aka, the 'fuck me' shoes she'd loaned to Raven a while ago. She paired them with a royal blue mini-dress that was probably her favorite piece of clothing ever. It had a sweetheart neckline and wide straps, but her favorite part was the back, which dipped low, and then had multiple cut-outs that ran around to the sides. It was tight, and it was short, and she probably should've found something else to wear, but it was Bellamy's birthday and she wanted to look fantastic, dammit.
Clarke got in the elevator, pressing the button for the ground floor, and thought about the past few weeks as she looked up at the numbers.
She'd gone home after leaving Bellamy in his sister's care, and it had taken her a couple of hours to grab breakfast, shower, and unpack her things. She'd tried to settle back into something resembling her normal routine, but the entire time, she'd found herself thinking about Bellamy: wondering if he and Octavia were doing okay…wondering if he was missing her as much as she was missing him…or if he'd even noticed that she was gone at all. And, most of all, wondering where the hell they went from here.
She'd known he hadn't been happy about how she'd left things, but he had to realize that it was a bit of an uncomfortable situation for her, what with Octavia finding them tangled up together and them having no real explanation…or at least not one that made any sort of sense.
She'd kept replaying the morning in her head, and she couldn't help but to ask herself why he'd seemed unhappy about the way she'd left.
Was it just because she was being a spaz?
Was it because he wanted her to stay…as a friend? …or as…more?
Or…was it because she'd been his emotional support system through one of the biggest losses he'd ever faced in his life and she was abruptly bailing on him?
It was that final thought that had made her pull out her phone, ignore the awkward butterflies in her stomach, and text him.
He hadn't responded right away, and she wasn't sure if it was because he was busy with Octavia or because he was ignoring her, but she could tell he'd been reading her messages, so she just kept texting.
Honestly, if they were the kind of friends that could play tonsil hockey when the situation warranted, she wasn't going to feel even a little bad for sending eight unanswered texts in a row.
It had taken a while, but she'd eventually worn him down, and they'd started texting more than they ever had.
They talked about Octavia, Abby, their friends, their jobs…they sent each other memes, got into in-depth discussions about everything from the allegorical situations on Bewitched that were supposed to show the problems a husband could have with his powerful wife, especially in a time when women weren't supposed to be powerful, to whether Pluto deserved its demotion or not.
(For the record, Clarke voted yes, because science and consistent criteria, while Bellamy voted no, because you can't just take that away, Clarke. Don't you have a heart?! Besides, what am I supposed to do with that damn mnemonic now? My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine doesn't really have the same ring to it, now does it?)
From there, she'd teased him, asking how often he'd needed to use that particular mnemonic since he'd graduated from high school over a decade ago, and he'd texted back something about how he'd be damned if he was going to miss those Jeopardy questions if he could help it.
They got into an easy banter that felt almost like the one they shared when they were a few feet apart instead of a good 30-minute drive apart, and Clarke made sure to keep up the contact, even though she really was swamped with work and studying for her exams, because she'd promised him that she'd be there for him…and she was going to be, even if she couldn't do it in person at the moment.
Honestly, she wasn't sure how she'd handle seeing him in person…if she'd be able to handle seeing him in person.
She wasn't sure how she was just supposed to go from kissing him any time she wanted…holding him any time the mood struck her…to treating him like just another one of her friends. She wasn't sure if that was possible.
They'd gone almost the entire week without seeing each other, which was definitely weird for them, but she'd been unwilling to put herself in that situation so soon, so she'd used Octavia's visit as an excuse to stay away.
On her last day in town, Octavia had called Clarke, insisting that she join the Blakes for breakfast before her plane left.
Clarke had shown up at their favorite diner, the one beside the hospital, with a smile on her face but around 1700 pterodactyls flying around in her stomach. She'd greeted Octavia with a warm hug, then smiled tightly at Bellamy, giving him a quick, slightly awkward hug, really more similar to something she'd give Murphy, if she were forced to.
They'd had a nice breakfast, the three of them back together again for the first time in over a year, but thankfully, Octavia had done most of the talking, either not noticing or not commenting on the fact that Bellamy and Clarke weren't really talking to each other, only to her.
Breakfast had ended, Octavia had gone back to California, and Clarke had gone back home, although she'd immediately texted Bellamy, asking if he was free to go bowling the next day with their group of delinquents, because Clarke missed him, dammit. (Although she hadn't included that in the text.)
She missed him fiercely, but she wasn't ready to be back in a super intimate situation with him again…not when her feelings were so raw and she was still unsure of his.
The next few weeks had consisted of a lot of group activities: game night, trips to their favorite bar, and even a hike one semi-warm Saturday. Clarke even went over to Bellamy's apartment alone a couple times, but always made sure to do it early enough in the day that she wouldn't be tempted to stay long enough to spend the night.
It was slightly awkward and she always felt like they were both barely breathing at times, waiting for something to happen…waiting for the elephant in the room to say something and force them to face what they were ignoring…but it never happened.
Clarke had just stepped up to Bellamy's door when she wondered if tonight was going to be more of the same.
She raised her hand and knocked a few times.
Bellamy opened the door a few seconds later, his eyes automatically lighting up when they landed on her.
That was the last thing Clarke noticed before her eyes swept down his body, which was clad in dark jeans and a form-fitting black long-sleeved t-shirt.
By the time her eyes made it back up, over the clearly defined muscles in his chest and shoulders, she took a second to notice that his hair was even more attractively disarrayed than normal before her eyes again went to his.
He however, apparently hadn't finished his perusal of her…outfit…because his eyes were still glued to the cut-outs in the sides of her dress, which were barely visible from the front.
When he seemed to realize that she was watching him, his eyes hurriedly skimmed over her chest, then back up to her face, a bit of a dazed look on his face as he took in her hair, which was a little wild in its waviness, because why wouldn't she rock sex hair with 'fuck-me' shoes?
He opened his mouth, as if to say something, but Clarke decided to push the envelope.
She grinned a little wickedly, holding her arms out and spinning a slow circle to let him see the back and sides of her dress…and all the bare skin it exposed.
By the time she faced him again, she was biting her bottom lip, more than a little ready to jump his bones, and his reaction didn't help in the slightest.
He was staring at her a bit dumbfoundedly, his eyes almost glazed over. "Fuck, Princess," he muttered, voice low.
Clarke felt heat cover her entire body, especially her…lower regions. It was on the tip of her tongue to respond, 'Yes, that is exactly what you should do.'
She managed to keep it in her proverbial pants though, at least for the time being. "You like?" she managed to say instead, a devious glint in her eyes.
"You look…" he paused, seemingly at a loss for words. It wasn't until a moment later when he seemed to realize his chin was on the floor and he managed to collect himself a little, a slight flush on his cheeks. "That dress is…uh…something," he finally managed.
She smirked. "I had to go all out. It is your 30th birthday, after all."
He studied her for a minute, then nodded.
"You look great too…especially for an old man," she teased.
As if the words 'sex on a stick' hadn't been playing on a loop in her mind since he'd first opened the door.
"Ha-ha," he responded, rolling his eyes.
She grabbed his arm, tugging a little. "Come on. We don't want to be late meeting the others. We'll need to get you back early. What time do you go to sleep now? Around 10:30?"
"Are you going to do this all night?" he asked as he grabbed his wallet and keys off the counter, then locked the door behind him.
Clarke waited until he turned around to join her to answer. "I'm going to do this for at least the next 5 years, until I turn 30."
He snorted good-naturedly and started walking down the hallway beside her.
They'd only gone a few feet when they met a woman coming the other way. Bellamy placed his hand on Clarke's back, moving behind her to get out of the way.
They both smiled at his neighbor, then moved back into a side-by-side position to continue on their way to the elevator.
Except…Bellamy didn't take his hand off her back.
It was silly, really. It was a casual touch that they'd shared dozens, if not hundreds, of times before.
But not while their relationship was on such tentative ground between friendship and romance.
And not while Clarke's entire back was almost bare.
Weirdly enough, the cut-outs in her dress almost made it seem even more erotic than if her back had been bare, like with a crop top or a bathing suit.
Clarke had to try even harder to balance in her heels, her equilibrium thrown into outer space by the unexpected intimacy.
"Where are you guys taking me again?" Bellamy asked as they stepped on the elevator.
"Uh…" Clarke scrambled a bit, trying to remember the cover story they'd concocted. "There's a club over by the college. They have a great DJ…dancing. You know, do your 30th right."
"Mmhmm," he hummed non-committally, stepping into the elevator behind her and pressing the button for the ground floor.
Clarke turned her head away, trying to hide her grin.
Bellamy, especially for the last few years, was definitely not a 'club' sort of guy. Drop Ship was his favorite bar, and it was fairly sedate…and she was pretty sure he mostly went there for the cheap beer, greasy onion rings, and the pool table.
She knew him better than she knew herself most days, so the fact that he was acting like he was happy about their 'plans' to take him to a college club, full of hammered 21-year-olds, designer cocktails, and techno music was…well, she wasn't sure whether to be amused or offended.
She and the others had decided that this was a good cover story though, that way he'd be extra happy when he realized they were throwing him a fairly low-key party at Raven's.
Supposedly, they were going to meet at Raven's so she could be the designated driver, allowing the birthday boy to imbibe to his heart's content.
They reached Raven's door, and Clarke knocked a few times before turning the knob and pushing the door open, Bellamy's hand still casually resting on her back.
They stepped inside…and were immediately greeted with a loud "Happy Birthday!" from everyone, and it was even mostly in unison.
Clarke looked up at Bellamy, and found him with a huge grin on his face, which he promptly hid in her hair, pulling her against his side.
She laughed, leaning up to kiss his cheek. "Happy Birthday, Bell."
Just after that, people started coming up, saying hello to Bellamy and wishing him a Happy Birthday, and Clarke scooted away, trying to give everyone room.
She ended up standing in the kitchen with Raven, watching as Bellamy kept grinning, slightly embarrassed at all the attention he was receiving.
He ended up getting swept up in the wave of people who eventually led him into the living room.
Raven's apartment wasn't all that large, but Miller, Bryan, Jasper, and Monty had all shown up early to help her move things around a bit to make more room.
All that was left in the living room was the couch and the TV, which meant the coffee table, end tables, and everything else was in Raven's bedroom.
It was a pain, but it gave the 20 or 30 people in attendance a little more room to breathe.
Clarke peeked around the corner, and found Bellamy in the middle of all of their friends…and some people she didn't really know, some of whom were his co-workers, and a few others who had tagged along with someone else.
Clarke's eyes ended up locking in on Roma, who she wasn't exactly expecting.
Her heart stuttered a bit, feeling a clench of jealousy she hadn't felt since…well, since she'd seen Bellamy with Gina. Except, this time, it was even worse, because this time, Clarke was fully aware that she was in love with Bellamy.
Bellamy…who'd fucked Roma too many times for her to count.
She didn't think they'd…hung out…in years…but Roma had shown up tonight…so maybe she was wrong about that.
Honestly, it wasn't a conversation they'd had…and it wasn't one she wanted to have.
She was, however, aware that he was a very attractive man who had been prone to one-night-stands in the past, so she'd probably be naïve to think that his sex life had been as non-existent as hers had been recently…but some part of her hated that thought.
The thought that maybe…as she was falling deeper and deeper in love with him…sharing so much of her life with him…he may have been out picking up girls in bars or calling up his old fuck-buddy…it didn't just make her jealous.
It hurt.
It hurt in a way nothing to do with a relationship had ever hurt before…not even when she'd actually been cheated on by Finn.
Because this was Bellamy, and everything was more with him.
She unconsciously pulled her lower lip into her mouth, biting on it mercilessly as she fell into some tailspin where she realized that Roma knew Bellamy in a way she didn't…in a way she probably never would.
And that really fucking hurt.
She was so lost in her self-pity spiral, she didn't even realize that Bellamy had extricated himself from the group and had made his way up to her…until he reached out to touch her elbow.
"Hey," he said, a half smile on his face and his head partially tilted in confusion. "What's wrong?"
She looked up at him, shaking her head absently.
His hand came up to her face, his thumb gently tugging on her lip until she released it from in-between her teeth. "Clarke…"
His thumb on her mouth sent enough of a shockwave through Clarke to snap her out of it, and she stepped back, heading back into the kitchen. "I was just coming to see what you wanted to drink. We've got beer, whiskey, rum, vodka…there's also a bunch of pop and juice and shit if you want to make a…" she trailed off when he stepped closer, his hand coming back up to her face.
He ran his thumb over her cheek soothingly, his eyes studying her worriedly. "Princess…stop. What's wrong?"
What's wrong?
She didn't think 'I'm so in love with you, it hurts' was exactly the answer he was looking for.
She stood there, in Raven's kitchen, and she knew Raven was standing at the counter, quietly putting junk food in bowls and trying to remain inconspicuous, but all she could do was stare up at him, thinking about how they were in the perfect position for her to lean up and kiss him.
And, she knew, from experience, that kissing him made life better.
But she couldn't.
That wasn't what they were to each other.
Just as one part of her brain started to fall back down the rabbit hole into thinking about all the things she didn't get to experience with him, and probably never would…another part of her realized that she also got a part of him no one else got.
She was getting it right now.
He was here, at his own birthday party…and, at the moment, he couldn't care less about his friends in the other room, the presents, the food, or the booze. He was standing in the kitchen, caressing her cheek and looking at her like he'd do anything in the world to make her problems go away…and all because he'd noticed she was upset…from across the room.
She launched herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck.
Her movement took him by surprise, and it took him a moment to react, but when he finally did, he huffed a bit of a laugh into her hair, then wrapped his arms around her waist.
She held onto him, feeling the solidness of his chest against hers, the warmth of his arms around her, and she realized that she might never know what it was like to be…intimate…with him…but she knew what it was like to be loved by him.
Because he did.
He loved her.
It might not be in the way she wanted…it might not be in the same way she loved him…but he, without a doubt, loved her.
And, even if it was platonic, even if it wasn't everything she wanted…being loved by Bellamy Blake was one of the best things she'd ever experienced…maybe the best.
And while Roma…and whoever else Clarke didn't really want to think about…might know what it was like to have sex with him…
She was the one he'd drop everything for.
She was the one he'd fight for.
She was the one he'd hold while she cried.
And she was the one he needed…the one he trusted…in the darkest moments of his life…and the one he sought out in the happiest moments of his life.
She bolstered herself with the realization that, if she couldn't have all of him, she was definitely getting the better end of the deal.
She wasn't sure how long she'd clung to him, but his hand started running up and down her spine, sending tingles through her.
"I just want to make sure you have a good birthday, okay?" she finally said.
He pulled back enough to see her face, looking at her a bit oddly, as if he didn't quite buy it.
Somehow, they'd ended up holding hands, and she squeezed both of his with both of hers. "I know life hasn't exactly been easy on you lately, and I just want you to have a good birthday. You deserve…" she paused, trying to get 'everything' off the tip of her tongue. "You deserve to have a good birthday, Bellamy."
He studied her for another minute, as if trying to gauge her sincerity.
She kept her face as neutral as possible. It wasn't as if she was lying about what she'd just said.
Finally, one corner of his mouth turned up. "I already am," he replied, then dropped one of her hands, using his other to tug her back toward the living room. "Come on."
She started to follow him, until she remembered why she'd stuck her head into the other room in the first place. "Wait! You need a drink!"
"Beer is fine for now."
She nodded, and turned around to get it, but Raven was already shutting the refrigerator door.
The brunette quickly popped the caps off two beers, and handed them each one with a smirk.
Bellamy accepted his with a nod of thanks, then resumed pulling Clarke into the other room.
Almost everyone turned to look when they reentered the room, and Clarke realized that everyone had to notice their joined hands.
Roma certainly noticed, if the pursing of her lips and her glare was anything to go by.
Clarke couldn't resist the slight smirk that crossed her own lips, but she did, at least, try to hide it by taking a sip of her beer.
And when Bellamy tugged her over to introduce her to some of his co-workers and their significant others…all while still holding her hand in his…Clarke realized that yeah, she could definitely handle this.
A/N: Friendly reminder, cause that's just who I am as a person.
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