Chapter 4
Brendan's point of view
I know as soon as I close the door of the flat behind Steven that Cheryl's going to bombard me with questions, I've made it even worse for myself by kissing Steven in front of her, but I couldn't stop myself.
"Soooo.." Cheryl says and I can hear the excitement in her voice already, "You goin to try to tell me you and Ste aren't dating now Bren?"
"Jesus Chez" I mutter, as I sit down on the couch to which she thinks is a offer for her to sit beside me. "I don't date people, ye know that", you would think that my sister of all people would understand that all this stuff isn't easy for me and her pressuring me to label things really won't help matters.
"Then why did ye's go out yesterday and then come back here? Then you let him stay the night, which has never happened before plus you've been with him more than once.." Cheryl says as if she's had a speech written for this very moment, like she's been documenting everything that's happening between me and Steven so she can prove a point.
"So what I let him stay, we.. ye know. Then fell asleep. It's not a big deal that I've slept with the same lad a few times, wouldn't be the first time it's happened," I tell her but I know I don't mean it, I don't date people though, it's just not my thing and I doubt it ever will be.
"Your not being serious are ye Bren? Cause the way that boy was acting it was obvious he was into you! And I thought that ye felt the same for him? You's looked like it." She sighs to me with a petted lip,
"Yes I'm being serious Chez, it's just an attraction." I sigh, it's true it's just the attraction between us, only difference between him and other lads I've slept with is that I've actually had more than a few conversations with him. I could go out and pull someone else if I really wanted to.
"Well," she sighs while shaking her head and standing up, "Maybe you should tell Ste that.. It might mean more to him than you think, don't want to lead him on do ye?"
Is that what I'm doing leading him on? I can tell the lad likes me but does he think we're dating? Does he think because we've slept together a few times and went out that this means I'm his boyfriend in some way? I honestly don't know how this stuff works, why can't I just have fun with him and enjoy his company without anything else getting thrown into the mix, "Fine I'll phone him right now." I find myself saying, always have been too stubborn to just let things lie, plus if I don't then Chez will just think that it's the truth.
"Your going to phone him and say what?" she asks me,
"I'm going to tell him that we're just having fun, nothing serious." I mutter, it is just fun. I'm not settling down, if I was to settle then yeah if I had to pick someone it might be Steven. I was stupid to think this was going anywhere though, he's too young, he would be needy. I'm not ready to give up my freedom and have arguments or even have a boyfriend. I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that.
In the end I bottle it and don't phone Steven. I guess I'm being selfish, because even if it is just fun, its good fun. I am going to sleep with someone tonight though, and it isn't going to be Steven. Even if it is just to prove to myself that I can or more to the point prove to Cheryl.
It's eight o'clock already and I said to Steven I would phone him but neither of us have contacted the other. Maybe he's away getting another guy, I don't know why the thought of that gets me angry, jealous almost but then again I never did like sharing my toys..
I down the whiskey poured infront of me and make my way to the front door and walk round the corner to the pub. Even though it's my local I've only been here a few times, I look around but nobody seems to be catching my eye.
I order a whiskey at the bar that's when I see that kid that Steven was arguing with last night.. What's his name again, god knows slipped my mind. He looks wrecked though and when he looks up and sees me looking at him he grins but then shock is on his face when it must dawn on him where he knows me from,
"You were with Ste the yesterday yeah?" he slurs raising an eyebrow at me while he walks over to me,
"Yeah.. You were being a drama queen if I remember correctly." I mutter, smirk on my face.
He frowns "Yeah, you spoke to him today?"
"This morning.. When he left my house" I mutter, I almost sound like I'm bragging.
"You and him, are you's together?" The lad asks,
Together? What does that even mean? "No.. Just ye know" I say, now I'm feeling embarrassed, what?
"Well I doubt you's will be for much longer" he mutters, his face looks like he's just swallowed something sour,
"And whys that?" At first I think maybe Steven has said something about being sick of me but I doubt he'd be sharing that with someone that it seemed like he hated.
"Because Doug, Ste's ex. My fiancée told me last night that he still loved Ste and that he was going to talk to him in the morning." He mutters hands running over his face,
"Your fiancée? But he loves someone else?" I ask just to clarify,
He looks at me and I can see the tears rimming his eyes. "Yeah because if Ste doesn't want him or Doug changes his mind then I'll still marry him."
"That's crazy" I mutter, pathetic is what I mean to say,
"Yeah we'll I'm crazy" he slurs, "Anyway I'm heading home" he stands to get up but can't walk properly and I can't help but wonder how long he's been drinking for,
I decide to be a normal decent man and make sure the lad gets home okay but have no idea when I started to become some Good Samaritan, We get to Hollyoaks and were walking through the centre of the village when John Paul -yep thats his name finally came back to me- points to a building "Look! Carter and Hay, not Carter and McQueen!"
It seems to be a cafe or something, it's dark inside so I'm guessing it's shut "What are ye talking about?" I snap, this lad is really starting to annoy me.
"That's Doug and Ste's business." John Paul moans, Jesus does he ever shut up about the two of them.
We get to what I presume is his house and that's when he pulls me forwards and kisses me. I'm not really into it which is unlike me, all I can think of is full lips and these aren't anything like them, they're unfamiliar, the taste is different, the rhythm, I don't have that warm feeling in my stomach that I get when I'm kissing Steven.
I pull away and he grins at me as if he couldn't tell that I wasn't enjoying it.
"So you coming in?" he asks me.
"I don't think thats a good idea" I say,
"How's that?" He smirks at me,
"Well.. your drunk and ye have a fiancée." I sigh pitifully and there's a voice in the back of my head asking,
'When has that ever stopped you before?'
He's about to reply when the door burst open and out comes Steven. What's he doing here?
"What the hell? Why werr you just in my house?!" John paul screams hysterically, I'm really hoping it's the drink that's making him so scatty,
"Aw shut up will ya? It's Doug's house, Doug's my mate which means I can visit him if he wants me to," Steven says and looks at me as if he's just registered that someone else is here other than them two and a frown forms on his face.
"Did you just sleep with Doug?" John Paul says his voice cracking, Steven's about to reply but he doesn't get a chance, "You did didn't you? You really are unbelievable, your not even going to be happy with him you just want him cause I've got him!"
"Obviously not, we were talking about the deli." Steven sighs while trying to push past,
John Paul stops him in his tracks with a shove to the chest but it's him that ends up off balance, "Stop with the lies! Why would you be over at OUR house talking about the deli?!" This guy definitely brings a new meaning to jealous boyfriend. All he gets in return from Steven is an eye roll,
All of a sudden John Paul points to me, shit, why am I getting brought into this? "Yeah well we were planning on sleeping together that's why we're here, so you can go tell Doug two can play at that game."
Stevens eyes automatically go to mine, he looks disappointed almost sad but as quickly as it comes I see his expression harden, he looks back to John Paul and smiles an odd smile that definitely isn't a happy one.
"I didn't sleep with Doug but he's my best mate. Ya just told me you were goin to sleep with someone else, I'm not gonna keep that from Doug. Keep that in mind right, when Doug's finished with ya" he smirks, then goes to make a quick exit not sparing another look at me.
I feel like going after him but John Paul grabs his arm first, "Don't ruin mine and Doug's relationship just because you aren't happy. Just because it isn't you that's getting married to him."
Steven laughs a cold laugh "If I wanted to marry Doug then I could. You know it, I know it and Doug knows it," he says with a smirk then shakes John Paul's hand off him.
He goes to leave again and this time he makes it round the corner. "I gotta go." I mutter not sure why I'm even telling him while I start jogging the way I've just seen Steven walk, he's got his hood up and hands in his pockets.
When I finally catch up with him he looks at me,
"What do you want?" he asks pouting.
"Hey what's all this about? I wasn't going to sleep with him" I say, I don't understand why I'm explaining myself and what I don't understand more is why I didn't want to sleep with him.
"And your telling me why?" Steven mutters, he doesn't sound like the same person I've gotten to know.
"I thought.." I mutter but don't finish the sentence. I thought he cared? I guess so, it doesn't seem like it.
He stands still "Ya thought what?" he asks sounding frustrated, have I annoyed him?
"I don't know." I reply with a huff,
He shakes his head and smiles not the friendly smile he sometimes gives me this one looks bitter and annoyed before he asks me a question I'd like to know the answer to myself, "Then what're ya doin Brendan?"
"I just thought I should explain.." I sigh, he looks confused and I feel confused.
"Explain what? About how your disappointed that I got in the way of you doing whatever to John Paul?" he says, wait a minute is he jealous? Is that what this is about?
"Are ye jealous?" I ask, I don't know why that makes me feel happy, it makes me smile and he notices.
He looks away from me "No. Why would I be jealous?" he mutters but I can tell he's lying. This must mean he cares. I pull him closer to me and try to hide my small grin.
"Nah don't think just cause ya can't have your way with him you can come to me," Steven says as he attempts to push me away.
"Ye think I'd rather him than you?" I ask and I realise I don't want anyone apart from Steven, this doesn't mean I'm one hundred percent committed to him but it means for now I'm happy with how it is. I don't want a John Paul or some other faceless lad, what I want here and now is Steven.
"Well yeah, suppose." He mutters, pouting again.
"Thats daft ye know. If ye were in the pub I wouldn't even notice him." I tell him,
"So ya were plannin on sleeping with him?" he asks but I can see some of his mood drifting away there's a hint of a smile there,
"No" I say, and I'm telling the truth, I might have went out looking for someone tonight but John paul never crossed my mind. Even if I saw someone that I would usually go for I don't think it would cross my mind.
"Okay" he smiles at me, believes me without questioning it, well too much at least.
"How about we head to mines? Get a takeaway on the way there?" I offer, Cheryl's going to have a field day when she sees I'm with Steven,
"Yeah okay" he grins at me with a nod,
I wrap my arm around him to pull him back to me and this time there's no resistance as our lips meet. It's a slow kiss, our tongues dancing together. It's full of passion but it's not just sexual.
He pulls away and he's frowning, looking at the ground "Brendan?" he asks in a small voice.
"Steven?" I reply
"What's goin on with us?" he asks "Like what are we? What are we even doin?" Its the first time one of us has asked that to the other out loud. Even though it's been in the back of my mind since the first night together, and I'm guessing it might have been in his.
Do I want to try this, I mean really what have I got to lose? "What do you want us to be?" I reply avoiding eye contact now, suddenly the grounds peaked my interest,
"I dunno.. I know I like ya, I don't want anyone else to have you." He mutters voice shaking,
I look at him and he's nibbling at his bottom lip, fiddling with his hands. He doesn't want anyone else to have me? I don't want anyone else to have him.. "How about we see how it goes?" I offer, "Let's not put a label on it, but if I've not to get with anyone else then neither have you." This way I'm pretty much getting what I want but I'm not needing to actually come out and ask for it,
He looks at me, bright blue eyes directed at me and cracks a smile. What is happening to me?
"Alright." he nods and says through his grin.
I smirk at him before pulling him into another kiss. This ones short and sweet but I keep my arm around him while we walk to the chinese, which is more than what I've done in public with anyone else.